The CaliRado Cyclist

Cycling Cinema - Getting Flicked

2010-03-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

While suffering through the recent Academy Awards, it was impossible to overlook the fact that everyone has different tastes. It was also impossible to ignore my tendency to dislike most of the flavors on display. From the wardrobe choices to the actual Oscar winners, the entire event provided a broad spectrum of preferences for me to ridicule. Even though professional bike racing often leaves much to be desired from an organizational standpoint, at least it's not as foolish as Hollywood.

It is no secret that I often make stupid movie references when writing about cycling - largely because I enjoy both subjects. However, while I almost always like bike racing, I have not liked an overwhelming majority of films viewed during the course of my lifetime. I don't really count anything that I saw during my youthful "Star Wars/Muppet Movie" phase so at this point, I would put my rate of pleasant movie watching at about 20% over the last 25 years. Not a good percentage.

Not coincidentally, I haven't seen a single movie that was nominated for an Academy Award this year. And honestly, there is virtually nothing that could make me pay to watch 7 out of the 10 films up for the Oscar in 2010. When searching for entertainment, I have no desire to watch anything that will make me feel any emotions other than happiness, curiosity or excitement. Therefore, Precious and The Hurt Locker will certainly not be passing before my eyes anytime soon. I would much rather watch Enter the Dragon or Fletch for the hundredth time than put myself through five minutes of Mo'Nique screaming or people getting blown up in Afghanistan.

While cycling may not get as much play as cheesy football films with Sandra Bullock or feel-good heart-warmers about abusive mother-daughter relationships, WWII killings, and creepy blue people, it is not for a lack of effort. Regardless of my recent frustration with Hollywood, there have been some solid cycling-related films in the past. And besides, as long as they keep letting Robin Williams into these award events, we will always be one moment away from an uncomfortable “bikesexual” joke or Lance Armstrong testicle reference in the mainstream media. Thanks, Mork.

Obviously, Breaking Away and American Flyers are well known, and a few people may even think of Quicksilver as a cycling film, even though it is really more like an odd semi-Brat Pack kind of thing. I'm sort of down with the bike messenger scene (I did work in the Financial District of San Francisco after all, and watched them all hang out and smoke cigarettes at the corner of Market and Sansome as I rode to and from Marin...with gears) but for some reason I only remember Jami Gertz. The point is, there are a number of other less recognized elements of cycling in Hollywood history. In fact, although there have been a few memorable films dedicated to the sport, most of my favorite bike-related cinematic experiences have come from movies that covered different subjects.

For example, I was 9 years-old when The Karate Kid came out in theatres, and the main thing I liked about Mr. Miyagi was that he fixed Daniel-san's bike after Billy Zabka and his crew pushed him down the hillside in Reseda. I can't remember when I actually saw KK for the first time but I know that scene endeared me to Miyagi far more than him making Daniel "paint the fence" and basically just fix up his house. Any jerk can come up with chores but it takes a pretty cool guy to fix up a busted BMX bike for an Italian kid he doesn't even know and then kick the snot out of a bunch of high school dudes in the middle of the night.

On a side note, I was also always intrigued by Miyagi's willingness to let the pool turn into a swamp at the apartment building Daniel-san lived in. The guy had a full-on Japanese Tea Garden and a bunch of sweet cars at his own place but the apartment building he managed was a Katrina-level disaster. In retrospect, was Miyagi actually a slum lord or something? Regardless, I always respected him for sticking it to The Man (and John Kreese). Although The Man rarely hangs out in Reseda, CA.

A year after The Karate Kid was released, another great movie came out that had some memorable bike scenes in it. Of course, that film was Better Off Dead, starring a very young John Cusack, Winchester from M.A.S.H., the fat kid from Head Of The Class, an awesome Zabka-esque bad guy named Stalin, and the always creepy Curtis Armstrong (Lance's cousin) as the always creepy Charles DeMar. But even though skiing was the primary sport in the movie, one of the better recurring themes (aside from the AWESOME Asian dude that played the bad guy in Karate Kid II, who talks like Howard Cosell) was the bike riding paperboy who really wanted his two dollars. You know...sort of like a professional cyclist looking for a contract.

Even though I never had a paper route as a kid, I always sympathized with the paperboy in Better Off Dead. I mean, come on, the guy is putting in the miles so give him his money. Sure, he has a tendency to chuck papers through garage door windows, but there was probably not a clear "Accuracy Clause" in his contract, and you can hardly blame him for accomplishing his job with energy and vigor. Besides, I always thought it would have been much easier for Lane or Mr. Meyer (aka Winchester) to just pay the kid a couple bucks and get him off their backs. Maybe if they tipped the little dude, he wouldn't keep flinging stuff through their windows?

Anyway, I will always have a place for Breaking Away, American Flyers and all of the other documentaries and race videos in my vast media collection, but the less prominent role of cycling in numerous random movies should not be overlooked. Whether it's Elliott and his flying friends in E.T. or Ronald Miller riding over to mow Cindy Mancini's lawn in Can't Buy Me Love, the bicycle will always have a place in Hollywood. Whether that Lance movie ever gets made or not...
Wait, Precious is about a quest for the the Yellow Jersey and The Hurt Locker is another Paris-Roubaix documentary, right? Maybe I should just get Mr. Miyagi to true my wheels while I watch Rushmore again.

Man, Oman...I'm Just Saying

2010-02-22T12:34:00.001-08:00

I often have visions of riding my bike through beautiful parts of the world. Places like Tuscany, Marin County, southern France and of course, the Middle East. Don’t get me wrong, I love lush hills and beautiful forests but nothing beats scorching hot, flat, windy terrain to really bring out the joy of riding a bicycle. Throw some hefty prize money in with the subtle scent of burning oil and you’ve got yourself a perfect location for a major professional bike race. Actually, make that two. Hello Tour of Qatar and Tour of Oman, thank you for your donations.

So…basically, someone at ASO must have sniffed out a few deep pockets in the desert, because now we have over two weeks of world class bike racing taking place in countries whose monarchs are desperately trying to figure out what to do when the oil runs out. Their strategy is to stimulate tourism but admittedly, there is a not-so-subtle irony to having countries that profit immensely from fossil fuels endorsing a sport and industry that actively promotes alternative forms of transportation. Beyond ASO’s connection to golf, tennis and motorsports, there seems to be little relevance for bicycling in the Middle East outside of Eddy Merckx’s endorsement and boatloads of cash.

While this portion of the calendar may not be terribly exciting for many European and North American fans, it must be a pretty nice part of the year for the riders. In addition to awarding more than $12,000 to the overall winner of each event, both the Tour of Qatar and Tour of Oman offered over $20,000 for each stage and rolled out a heavily air-conditioned red carpet for the race caravan. When it comes to wealth and the desire to show it, few hosts are as accommodating as Qatar and Oman. As such, the races have been more exciting than anticipated, and the overall sentiment from the riders has been positive.

However, I can’t help but wonder about the long-term effects of this model on cycling as a spectator sport, not to mention how it reflects the relationship between the UCI and ASO. The prize money for these events is certainly enticing but the other primary factor is that most of the “wild-card” teams are likely trying to secure favor with ASO so that they can participate in other events like Paris-Nice and the Tour de France. So basically, we have two weeks of racing in the desert with minimal spectators, lots of money, and a fleet of teams who are there in order to secure spots in later races. Again, I’m not sure how much this helps the sport in the long run.

So...just out of curiosity, I decided to do a little bit of research on Qatar and Oman. Courtesy of my good friend Wikipedia, the following tidbits may be interesting. But then again, considering that the source was Wikipedia, they also may or may not be correct. Regardless, I think there is some interesting food for thought about the countries who claim be ushering in the New Year for bike racing. History, hills and cultural significance be damned...

Qatar: Overview

Qatar is an Arab emirate in the Middle East, occupying a small peninsula on the northeastern coast of the larger Arabian Peninsula. It is bordered by Saudi Arabia to the south.

Qatar is an oil- and gas-rich nation, with the third largest gas reserves and the highest GDP per capita in the world. An absolute monarchy, Qatar has been ruled by the al-Thani family since the mid-1800s and has since transformed itself from a poor British protectorate noted mainly for pearling into an independent state with significant oil and natural gas revenues.

During the late 1980s and early 1990s, the Qatari economy was crippled by a continuous siphoning off of petroleum revenues by the Emir, who had ruled the country since 1972. His son, the current Emir Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, overthrew him in a bloodless coup in 1995. In 2001, Qatar resolved its longstanding border disputes with both Bahrain and Saudi Arabia.

Since 1995, Emir Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani has ruled Qatar, seizing control of the country from his father Khalifa bin Hamad Al Thani while the latter vacationed in Switzerland. Under Emir Hamad, Qatar has experienced a notable amount of sociopolitical liberalization, including the endorsement of women’s suffrage or right to vote, drafting a new constitution, and the launch of Al Jazeera, a leading English and Arabic news source which operates a website and satellite television news channel.

The International Monetary Fund states that Qatar has the highest GDP per capita in the world, followed by Liechtenstein. The World Factbook ranks Qatar at second, following Liechtenstein.

Qatar served as the headquarters and one of the main launching sites of the US invasion of Iraq in 2003.

Government and Politics

Qatar has an emirate government type, based on Islamic and civil law codes. It is a discretionary system of law controlled by the Amir, although civil codes are being implemented. Islamic law dominates family and personal matters; the country has not accepted compulsory International Court of Justice jurisdiction.

Economy

Qatar is sometimes referred to as the Saudi Arabia of natural gas. Qataris’ wealth and standard of living compare well with those of Western European states. With no income tax, Qatar, along with Bahrain, is one of the countries with the lowest tax rates in the world.

Environmental Issues

Qatar has the highest per-capita carbon dioxide emissions, at 55.5 metric tons per person in 2005. This is almost double the next highest per-capita emitting country, Kuwait at 30.7 metric tons (2005) and three times that of the United States.

Qatar has had the highest per-capita carbon dioxide emissions for the past 18 years. These emissions are largely due to high rates of energy use include natural gas processing, water desalination and electricity production. Between 1995 and 2011 the electricity generating capacity of Qatar will have increased to six times the previous level. The fact that Qataris do not have to pay for either their water or electricity supplies is thought to contribute to their high rate of energy use. Despite being a desert state they are also one of the highest consumers of water per capita per day, using around 400 litres.

Geography

The Qatari peninsula juts 100 miles (161 km) north into the Persian Gulf from Saudi Arabia and is slightly smaller than the state of Massachusetts, USA. Much of the country consists of a low, barren plain, covered with sand.

The highest point in Qatar is Qurayn Abu al Bawl at 103 metres (340 ft) in the Jebel Dukhan.

Population

Expatriates form the majority of Qatar’s residents, and the petrochemical industry has attracted people from all around the world. Most of the expatriates come from South Asia and from non-oil-rich Arab states. Because a large percentage of the expatriates are male, Qatar has a heavily skewed sex ratio, with 3.46 males per female.

In July 2007, the country had a growing population of approximately 907,229 people, of whom approximately 350,000 were believed to be citizens. Qatari citizens follow the dominant Hanbali branch of Islam practiced in neighboring Saudi Arabia, therefore it is considered the culturally closest Persian Gulf state to Saudi Arabia.

The majority of the estimated 800,000 non-citizens are individuals from South and South East Asian and Arab countries working on temporary employment contracts, in most cases without their accompanying family members. Most foreign workers and their families live near the major employment centers of Doha, Al Khor, Mesaieed, and Dukhan.

Qatari Law

When contrasted with other Arab states such as Saudi Arabia, for instance, Qatar has comparatively liberal laws, but is still not as liberal as some other Arab states of the Persian Gulf like UAE or Bahrain. Qatar is a civil law jurisdiction. However, Shari’a or Islamic law is applied to aspects of family law, inheritance and certain criminal acts. Women can legally drive in Qatar and there is a strong emphasis in equality and human rights brought by Qatar’s National Human Rights Committee. Qatar also has the largest fines in the world in terms of traffic violation as per the recent change in 2010.

The country has undergone a period of liberalization and modernisation during the reign of the current Emir, Hamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani, who came to power in 1995. The laws of Qatar tolerate alcohol to a certain extent. However, the few bars and nightclubs in Qatar operate only in expensive hotels and clubs, much like in the UAE. Also like in the UAE, Muslims are banned from drinking alcohol. Expatriate residents in Qatar are eligible to receive liquor permits permitting them to purchase alcohol for personal use through Qatar Distribution Company, the only importer and retailer for alcohol in Qatar. Under Qatar’s Sharia, alcohol is illegal in public.

In common with other Persian Gulf Arab countries, sponsorship laws exist in Qatar. These laws have been widely described as akin to modern-day slavery. The Sponsorship system (Kafeel or Kafala) exists throughout the GCC and means that a worker (not a tourist) may not enter the country without having a kafeel, cannot leave without the kafeel’s permission (an Exit Permit must first be awarded by the sponsor, or kafeel), and the sponsor has the right to ban the employee from entering Qatar within 2–5 years of his first departure. Many sponsors do not allow the transfer of one employee to another sponsor.

Health Care

Hamad Medical Corporation (HMC) is the premier non-profit health care provider in Doha, Qatar. Established by the Emiri decree in 1979, HMC manages four highly specialised hospitals: Hamad General Hospital, Rumailah Hospital, Women’s Hospital, Psychiatric Hospital and the Primary Health Care Centres. These hospitals are quite sophisticated by the standards of the region, with most hosting advanced fMRI and other scanning machines. Most of them have many patients affected by Down syndrome and other mental illness caused by the high rate of cousin marriage in the country.

Human Rights

Qatar is a destination country for men and women from South and Southeast Asia who migrate willingly, but are subsequently trafficked into involuntary servitude as domestic workers and laborers, and, to a lesser extent, commercial sexual exploitation; the most common offence was forcing workers to accept worse contract terms than those under which they were recruited; other conditions include bonded labor, withholding of pay, restrictions on movement, arbitrary detention, and physical, mental, and sexual abuse.

According to the Trafficking in Persons Report by the US State Department, men and women who are lured into Qatar by promises of high wages are often forced into underpaid labor. The report states that Qatari laws against forced labour are rarely enforced and that labour laws often result in the detention of victims in deportation centres, pending the completion of legal proceedings. The report places Qatar at tier 3, as one of the countries that neither satisfies the minimum standards nor demonstrates significant efforts to come into compliance.

The government maintains that it is setting the benchmark when it comes to human rights and treatment of labourers.

International Rankings:

Institute for Economics and Peace
Global Peace Index
16 out of 144
United Nations Development Programme
Human Development Index
33 out of 182
Transparency International
Corruption Perceptions Index
22 out of 180
World Economic Forum
Global Competitiveness Report
22 out of 133

Oman: Overview

Oman is an Arab country in southwest Asia on the southeast coast of the Arabian Peninsula. It borders the United Arab Emirates on the northwest, Saudi Arabia on the west and Yemen on the southwest.

The Dhofar Rebellion was launched in the province of Dhofar against the Sultanate of Muscat and Oman and Britain from 1962 to 1975. As the radical-leaning rebellion threatened to overthrow the Sultan’s rule in Dhofar and produced disorder in other parts of Oman, Sultan Said bin Taimur was deposed by his son Qaboos bin Said, who introduced major social reforms to deprive the rebellion of popular support and modernised the state’s administration. The rebellion ended with the intervention of Iranian Imperial ground forces and major offensives by the expanded Sultan of Oman’s Armed Forces.

Politics

Chief of state and government is the hereditary sultān, Qaboos bin Said Al Said who appoints a cabinet called the “Diwans” to assist him. In the early 1990s, the sultan instituted an elected advisory council, the Majlis ash-Shura, though few Omanis were eligible to vote. Universal suffrage for those over 21 was instituted on 4 October 2003. Over 190,000 people (74% of those registered) voted to elect the 84 seats. Two women were elected to seats.

The country today has three women ministers Rawiyah bint Saud al Busaidiyah - Minister of Higher Education, Sharifa bint Khalfan al Yahya’eyah - Minister of Social Development and Rajiha bint Abdulamir bin Ali al Lawati - Minister of Tourism. There are no legal political parties nor, at present, any active opposition movement. As more and more young Omanis return from education abroad, it seems likely that the traditional, tribal-based political system will have to be adjusted. A State Consultative Council, established in 1981, consisted of 55 appointed representatives of government, the private sector, and regional interests.

Labor

Omani law does not provide the right of union formation. The law forbids a strike for any reason. Collective bargaining is not permitted, however there exist labour-management committees in firms with more than 50 workers. These committees are not authorized to discuss conditions of employment, including hours and wages.

The minimum working age is 13, but this provision is not enforced against the employment of children in family businesses or on family farms. The minimum wage for non-professional workers was $260 per month in 2002. However, many classes of workers (domestic servants, farmers, government employees) are not required to receive the minimum wage and the government is not consistent in its enforcement of the minimum wage law.

International Rankings:

Institute for Economics and Peace
Global Peace Index
21 out of 144
United Nations Development Programme
Human Development Index
56 out of 182
Transparency International
Corruption Perceptions Index
39 out of 180
World Economic Forum
Global Competitiveness Report
41 out of 133

Even though it is somewhat disconcerting to research these friends of ASO, there are obviously many other countries that are far less appealing than Qatar and Oman if you're looking to develop your sport. Or pad your bank account.

So there you have it. Just a nice little background story for the last few weeks of professional bike racing. It’s always good to know some history…unless you’re getting paid to ignore it. D’oh.

Or is it Doha?

Suspended Disbelief - Reality Sucks

2010-02-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the culprit is old age. It may also be a result of the economy. There is no question that Winter is at least partly to blame, and the sad end of Jersey Shore on MTV is certainly a factor. Whatever the combination of reasons, I've been a bit depressed lately.

The Super Bowl was a nice distraction, and I was happy for New Orleans but the viewing experience ended up being bittersweet. The commercials almost ruined it for me. My expectations were pretty low to begin with (since I do not particularly enjoy talking babies or snack and beverage-related humor) but I was especially bummed out when Joe Montana somehow ended up on a Sketchers ad for those ridiculous-looking clubfoot sneakers. It was so bad that he didn't even show his face and only did a voice-over with his name on the screen but still. This is not something that the best quarterback of all time should have been doing. The 49ers would never have won four Super Bowls with a Sketchers-wearing QB, and you can be sure that Ronnie Lott would rather cut his whole arm off than do a commercial like that.

It was also somewhat odd to see Lance Armstrong and various other people acting like Lance Armstrong in a Michelob Ultra commercial. I didn't mind the stunt-doubles and uber-extremeness of drinking low-calorie beer but I think that they officially killed any hope of coolness by using that freaking "Woo Hoo" song by Blur (Google "Woo Hoo Song"). That song actually makes me angry at this point. But strangely, it also makes me want to consume some crappy light beer while watching stupid movies starring Denise Richards and Drew Barrymore. Seriously though, that song came out in 1997...can we get some tunes from this century on the extreme playlist?

Oh wait, I just remembered that the Halftime Show featured a band of 65 year old dudes, so...maybe 13 years isn’t that bad.

Anyway, it's not like I'm sitting in a dark room listening to Cure records or anything but I have been a bit gloomy lately, and am trying to locate the positive mojo that usually influences my demeanor. The problem is that the world is often a horribly depressing place, and it is sometimes quite difficult to remove oneself from the soul-crushing weight of reality on display in places like Haiti, the UCI, Iraq and Massachusetts.

But the problem is not really reality. Reality and I have always had a somewhat contentious relationship anyway (I did grow up in Marin and Boulder...) so its influence on my mental state is debatable at best. Like many Americans, I will always have to shield myself from reality in order to avoid oppressive feelings of guilt for being so obscenely, ridiculously lucky. Again, reality is not the problem.

The problem is that my relationship with professional athletics - the primary tool with which I have historically detached myself from reality - has been damaged to the point that I am now having trouble separating the sanctity of sports from the nasty truths of human nature and life on planet Earth. There is no escape anymore.

The sports world is largely entertainment, but it is so much more. Professional athletics allow us a rare glimpse at a world which acknowledges concrete rules of play, with exceptionally qualified performers operating in a constantly shifting and unpredictable environment. Sure, there are always people who circumvent the rules but more than most, it is a world that overwhelmingly rewards those who deserve it.

What makes sports even better is that we have access to highly quantifiable statistics of performance that confirm the value of professional worth and success. There are very few cases of nepotism in sports and no one simply inherits a career as an athlete. Regardless of circumstance, the sporting world does not tolerate notions of entitlement. Unless you are a football coach (which seems to be the only profession that appreciates Bush-level name recognition) there are very few opportunities to coast on the efforts of your relatives or the relative size of their bank accounts.

For the most part, this is a great phenomenon but it can lead to some potential problems with how we, as a culture, view professional athletes as human beings. For example, just because some guy from a tough neighborhood can catch footballs exceptionally well and endorse a line of shoes does not mean that he is necessarily an excellent person off the field. But for some reason, our culture often views world-class athletes as better human beings, not just better physical specimens. Perhaps this is why we are so often disappointed by them.

In reality, the gift of supreme athletic prowess is arguably more random and unfair than any inheritance or trust fund could ever be. Physical superiority in sports is far more rare and discriminating than any Good Old Boys Network or family business could ever be. After all, you can’t buy things like coordination, size and speed.

All of these factors have likely contributed to my appreciation for cycling, a sport in which physical gifts and family finances are important but often trumped by determination, effort and sheer force of will. All things considered, bike racing favors those who have experienced adversity and possess the character to fight through suffering, not those who were conveniently born taller or wealthier than most.

I learned early on that professional athletes and other celebrities are really just normal, flawed people who happen to have benefitted from a rare combination of luck and talent. There is no doubt that most of them are very good at what they do, and probably work very hard at certain times, but I have never been under the illusion that they are somehow better or happier than most of the more anonymous people I have met in my life. It seems that the only real difference lies in the fact that normal people don’t have a vicious pack of reporters and pundits destroying them in the national media whenever they happen to get in trouble. Such is the price of fame in 2010.

The problem is that until recently, I have been able to remove the cold reality of normal life and human nature from my blind appreciation of professional sports. I used to be able to forget that my favorite baseball players were probably on steroids or that many of the players on my favorite football team were most likely not the kind of guys I would want my little sister to go on a date with. I knew these things from the start but at least I could suspend my criticism long enough to escape into the excitement of the competition for a few hours.

I fear that I no longer have this luxury anymore, as professional sports continue to become just another tabloid media-covered minefield. Thankfully, I still believe that professional cycling has one of the highest ratios of “good guys” to “bad guys” but it’s been a long time since I thought everyone who could ride a bike fast was a decent person. With that said, I think I’d be pretty cool with my little sister dating a bike racer, especially considering my prior hope that she would hook up with a professional golfer. Yeah…not so keen on the golf guys anymore.

In an effort to maintain this depressing theme, as well as the portrayal of cyclists as a pretty decent group of people to root for, please find the following 2009/2010 sports stories that have broken down the wall between the joy of entertainment and cruelty of life below. I have tried to limit these to one sentence because this stuff should not really be news to anyone at this point.

Football - Chris Henry died after falling off the back of a pick-up truck being driven by his wife, with whom he was arguing at the time of the accident.

Basketball - Gilbert Arenas was convicted of felony gun possession charges after displaying three firearms in the Washington Wizards locker room, then verbally challenging Javaris Crittenden, with whom he had gotten into an argument over gambling debts.

Baseball - Mark McGwire finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs during his career, including the year that he broke the homerun records of Babe Ruth and Roger Maris.

Tennis - Serena Williams was fined a record $83,500 for verbally assaulting a line official at the U.S. Open who later claimed that she feared for her life.

Soccer – John Terry, captain of the English national team, has been accused of having an affair with the wife of a former friend and teammate.

Golf - Tiger Woods got caught with his pants on the ground many, many times.

Hockey – I can’t think of many scandalous hockey stories right now but I’m pretty sure there are toothless maniacs getting into trouble somewhere.

Yeesh. There are obviously many more examples of scandalous behavior among many other athletes in many other sports but again, this should not be a surprise to anyone. At least John Edwards and Charlie Sheen don’t play sports for a living. Woo Hoo!

Santos - Australian for Bike Racing

2010-01-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, the 2010 UCI professional road racing season began in Australia this past week at the Santos Tour Down Under. In mid-January. I don't know who this Santos guy is but he is obviously not a procrastinator. I mean...I like bike racing but this just seems really early for a season that culminates in late Fall. Shouldn't pro cyclists have a longer break than professional golfers? Oh wait...maybe that is not the best example.

Actually, the TDU has historically been an Aussie-centric event in which a bunch of Southern Hemispheric (is that a real term?) dudes battle for Outback Steakhouse stocks, kangaroo pelts and crocodile vests. It was dominated by Michael J. Dundee in the mid-eighties and then Stuart O'Grady later on but has recently been shamed with victories by guys from Spain and Germany. While this cannot make Russell Crowe very happy, somewhere near Walkabout Creek a young boy who has killed multiple large reptiles is dedicating his life to reclaiming the TDU crown. Watch out Greipel.

Strangely, even though Andre "Bavarian Koko" Greipel won the event in convincing fashion yet again, there was a lot of interesting activity from guys we are usually accustomed to seeing at the front in July during the Tour. With names like Armstrong, Evans, Sanchez, and Valv.Piti (oh wait, he wasn't allowed in the Tour) at the front and showing form, it was a more interesting race than I have seen in previous editions.

Unfortunately, we ended up seeing some of these guys in new kits that really should have been thought out a bit more in the offseason. I continue to be perplexed by the overwhelming redness of the RadioShack and BMC offerings, Garmin seems to have given up on being cool and again, I am really just horrified by the Footon-Servetto debacle. It's bad enough to rock flesh-toned lycra but these cats are also being forced to wear yellow helmets. I wonder if they are planning on just making them wear Hot Dog On A Stick uniforms for the Tour de France.

We'll get back to the visual aspects of the Tour Down Under shortly but it seems like we need to talk about Andre Greipel a little bit first. For anyone who watched the coverage on Versus or any of the overhead shots on YouTube, it was clear that he was on a totally different level. I mean, even though he got caught out a couple of times, the guy was about 5mph faster than anyone else in the race. It was not close at all, despite what Team Sky would have you believe.

On at least two occasions, The Gorilla came from over 10 riders back and basically made everyone look like kittens. In fact, I would argue that right now, he and Cavendish are the two fastest guys in the peloton. Barring injury, I predict they will win 15 Grand Tour stages between them this year, and I put their combined over/under for the season at 43.5 wins.

But now we need to address Greipel's nickname. I don't know how many Gorillas there are in Deutschland but it seems like kind of a weird association, despite the fact that he is a pretty big guy. However, the bigger issue is that I am having difficulty determining whether to refer to him as "The Gorilla" or just simply "Gorilla." In addition to being entirely irrelevant, this is really annoying to me as a writer...and fellow primate.

Therefore, I will hereby refer to Andre Greipel as "Koko" in honor of the smartest gorilla ever to be referenced in an episode of Seinfeld. I think Koko is actually smarter than the chimpanzee that Kramer fought with (Bonus Question: What was the chimp's name? Answer below) at the zoo. Yeah, Koko...that Gorilla is alright. Besides, it was either that or "Magilla" or "Ronnie from the Jersey Shore" and "Koko" is just easier to explain. I would kind of like to see Greipel fight Ronnie though, and then Ina Yoko-Teutenberg can grapple with J-Woww. Then maybe Cavendish could throw down with The Situation?

Sticking with the highbrow sophistication of tabloid media, and understanding that my wife is currently caught up in the Red Carpet Season on the E! network, it follows that I am inclined to form my own Fashion Police for the bike racing world. And honestly, it's looking kind of grim in 2010 so far but there have been a couple of bright...well, er...less embarrassing spots that are worthy of note.

Two of the aforementioned bright spots could be seen on the feet of Lance Armstrong, who has finally made the leap to white shoes. Honestly, I thought he would have cured cancer before rocking white kicks and dishonestly, I would probably be almost as satisfied either way. Almost. I don't know if LA took my earlier words to heart and begged Nike to throw something hip together for him or not but regardless, it's good to see that he has finally come to the Dark...er, Light Side of the Shoe Force. Good grief, it's about time.

Not so cool are the red RadioShack tubetops and BMC ladybug kits. Don't the team managers have any say in this process? I cannot imagine Johan Bruyneel or Jim Ochowicz advising their clothing sponsors to come up with embarrassing kits for their riders. And I am certain that Mike Sayers was not consulted prior to the authorization of that much fire engine red in the design.

Having said that, I guess the BMC kits are a little more exciting than their "Weekend Warrior" theme from the past few years. Seriously, they looked like Cat.3's last year. I like the squad and what they are doing but there has not been a more anonymous looking team in the professional ranks. And yes...I will heckle teams that are too flamboyant as well as those who are too plain. Come on, it's hard enough looking like a cyclist (tan lines, odd proportions etc) so the least we can do is minimize the damage from a wardrobe standpoint. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, until next time...Barry and the other banana-throwing monkeys say Peace. And watch out for the ones that aren't throwing bananas. Seriously, Kramer was lucky it was only fruit. After all, Barry could have thrown a Footon-Servetto kit at him.

2010 Pro Tour Team Preview: T-Z

2010-01-14T13:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is getting a little out of hand. First of all, the UCI website is making subtle changes but doesn’t seem to be acknowledging my bigger arguments from Pro Tour Preview A-F and G-S. For the record, multiple teams do not have the proper sponsor names listed, and the rosters are lacking updated information as of January 14, 2010. For example, despite being the most talked-about rider in the offseason, apparently Bradley Wiggins is not riding for anyone this year.

And now, with the most recent UCI news update (since the first UCI race starts in two days...in Australia) Lampre is basically just being embarrassed in public like a kid who didn’t get his homework in on time. I do not doubt that the paperwork was not properly completed (this is bike racing in Europe after all) but that does not change the fact that this stuff should have been addressed and finalized months ago. It is ridiculous for the UCI to have to hold their hands during the licensing process or make concessions to teams that cannot step up to their end of the organizational bargain.

I know that this is just bike racing, and not global finance or high technology but it would be nice if there was more than a hint of professionalism within the top-tier of this sport. Perhaps the cycling world would be better off if slacking, disorganized and marginally qualified teams were punished for being so. But then I guess the UCI wouldn’t get that big chunk of money for the Pro Tour license so…it makes sense that they are being lenient. It still makes everyone look bad though. Especially everyone wearing that ridiculous pink and blue Lampre kit.

Finally, the UCI website has switched the Sky name around a few times but, as mentioned earlier, still does not have Wiggie Smalls on the roster. They seem to be going back and forth between Team Sky and Sky Professional Cycling Team, with the latter being the most recent entry. But it was Team Sky when I started this thing, so I’m keeping them that way. Same with Saxo Bank, which is now listed as Team Saxo Bank. Good grief, it would be nice if this stuff was worked out before mid-January.

Now, from the Department of Redundancy Department, please find the "Team" teams listed below.

• Team HTC-Columbia (USA)

Team HTC-Columbia was sadly misnamed Team Columbia-HTC until very recently on the UCI website. However, I would like to give the UCI folks the benefit of the doubt and just hope that they are dyslexic instead of lazy. At this point, I would kind of like to see them get creative and put something like "Team THC-Colombia" up there, just to see if anyone notices. Now that would make for some great High Road jokes. If you can't have a sense of humor at the UCI headquarters...it's going to be pretty bumpy ride.

As for Bob Stapleton's crew, they basically got raided by Team Sky but were able to hang on to Mark Cavendish for at least one more year, which had to have been the only real goal this past offseason. As Wiggie Smalls proved, contracts can be broken when Rupert F-ing Murdoch is paying for your lawyers, so it was good to see Cavendish stay loyal. It says a lot about the relationship between Captain Cavman and Big Money Bob, who I still think is one of the best owners in professional sports.

As a result of the recent British Invasion and subsequent Pillaging, Team THC-Colombia (just checking if you're still paying attention) is noticeably thinner in the ranks than 2009. But the squad is still positioned to get some decent individual results and keep Cavendish where he needs to be in order to win another 20-30 races, as Andre Greipel gets more and more frustrated by only winning 10-20.

In addition to the leadout train, hopefully they will also help Cavendish think up some new finish line post-up moves. The "DZ Nuts" salute in Paso Robles was pretty creative/obscene but I have a feeling that he is still kicking himself for fumbling with his glasses a little bit in the Tour. He could have popped a wheelie on the Champs Elysees last year, so I am hoping that he starts upping the degree of difficulty somehow. Maybe take a foot out of the pedals like he did with Cipo in the Tour of California a few years ago. I still can't believe he did that, but somehow it adds to the legend in a strangely positive way. Far more positive than say...pointing at your junk in white shorts, for example.

Besides Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch sprints, it will be interesting to watch the progression of Greipel and Tony Martin in 2010. I'm still not sure what kind of rider Martin is or will be, but he has Rolf Aldag in his corner and could give German cycling fans a bit of GC hope after some painful years. For some reason I feel better about watching him and The Gorilla race than I ever did with Michael Stoolmacher.

• Team Katusha (RUS)

I must admit that I did a double-take when Cycle Sport listed Katusha as the top team in one-day races for 2009. I guess it makes sense, considering Sergei Ivanov's win at Amstel Gold and Pipo Pozzato's Springtime wheelsucking but the scientist in me wants to come up with a better formula. Not to be critical, but it seems like Quick Step taking both Flanders and Roubaix, as well as Sylvia Chavanel's impressively consistent mediocrity, would have put them on top. I don't know, maybe I need to crunch the numbers a bit before I tick off any Russian dudes (or Cycle Sport for that matter).

In a perfect world, 2010 will mark the triumphant return of Robbie McEwen as a sprinting threat against youngsters like Cavendish and Farrar. At the very least, I would like to see more head-butting and profanity in the peloton, and Robbie Mac is the best at that kind of stuff. When I mentioned how Saxo Bank had some tough guys their team preview, I neglected to explain that Australians are actually in a separate class by themselves. Seriously, even Cadel Evans is kind of scary in a weird, unpredictable way but can you imagine having the King of Australian Badassery hollering at you?

There is no real frame of reference for this but for some reason, I have a recurring nightmare about Robbie McEwen yelling at me and using weird Aussie words that I don't really understand…although I can infer that they are not complimentary. Trust me, it's a bad dream but somehow I feel tougher for having it.

• Team Milram (GER)

For the record, I have never been a fan of the team kits that actually try to portray something about the sponsor. For example, the old Castorama overalls (similar version worn here by the one and only Laurent Brochard) were far more embarrassing for Laurent Fignon than his loss to LeMond in the '89 Tour and despite their popularity and my appreciation for Danny Van Haute's crew, the Jelly Belly kits have never been kind to my eye. Therefore, I just cannot imagine how the giant milk stains on the Milram (a dairy company) jerseys were authorized in the first place, let alone repeated in 2010. In fact, I'm not even sure if they are milk stains or if they are trying to make the riders look like skinny blue Holstein cows. At least they don't have big white splotches on the shorts too. That would be REALLY bad.

Despite the jerseys, Milram is a decent squad that will get a number of medium-to-high quality top-5 finishes with guys like Gerald Ciolek and Fabian "The Other Fabian" Wegmann. I will always think Wegmann is cool because he won the final San Francisco Grand Prix, which is my favorite event of all time. It really was a great race but I still can’t reconcile how Charles Dionne won 40% of the times it was held. Regardless, Wegmann could win something big someday and Ciolek will probably continue to have crazy head spasms which keep him from the top step. Seriously, watch him sprint with Cavendish and notice how one looks low and fast while the other looks like he may be having an epileptic seizure. It’s hard to look at sometimes.

Anyway, I have been trying to think of a clever pun about crying over spilt milk or something in an effort to make my G-Pa and Dad proud but I can’t seem to conjure up anything fit for print. Sorry guys, I feel like I let the family down.

• Team RadioShack (USA)

I really don’t know much about this team or any of its riders but I guess there are some guys who used to be on other teams, one dude who used to be an actor, and the director is a motivational book author from Belgium or something. I don’t know, it’s been hard to get much information on this organization or how they even managed to raise enough awareness and money to warrant a Pro Tour license. I mean…it’s not like they’re trying to cure cancer or something, right?

Even though I can’t say much about Team RadioShack (yet), I would like to take this opportunity to tell the primary sponsor that I still think it was messed up to charge me $36 for a new cell phone charger in 2005. That was wrong, and I will never forgive you for asking for my number and then ripping me off on the charger so that I could use my phone - which you then apparently wanted to call me on. It’s kind of funny in retrospect but I will always hold a grudge against The Shack for taking advantage of me like that. I literally felt dirty when I walked out of the strip mall.

But with that said…thanks for sponsoring this poor little bike racing team full of starry-eyed, hopeful youngsters. Really, thank you. Dare I say it’s…Shacktastic?

• Team Sky (GBR)

Team Sky is another team that seems to be having some trouble getting in the news and promoting itself lately. Either that or I have trouble understanding British people...or digesting anything from the Murdoch Empire other than The Simpsons. Actually, Arrested Development was great but Rupert’s henchmen put a premature end to that so…yeah, not too excited about Fox-related stuff on a few levels. I am aware that the News Corporation only has a 39% stake in British Sky Broadcasting but that is still a little too close to the Bill O’Reilly Zone for my conscience. Does this mean that Glenn Beck is going to start talking about bike racing? I need to stop thinking about this.

In somewhat Imperialistic, cut-throat fashion, the new British team (that we’ve known about for years) went about nabbing riders like Bradley Wiggins, Edvald Boasson-Hagen, Thomas Lovkvist, and just about any other English speaking guys they could get their money-laden hands on. The Wiggins project was particularly awkward but actually made me think that bike racing is becoming a little more like a real professional sport, replete with contract disputes, lawyers and blatant lies in the media. Then again, that may not be as nice as it sounds.

So…basically, Team Sky poached a number of big name riders from American teams and is rapidly embodying the somewhat fancy, pompous reputation developed by most of the British people I know. I’m not sure what it is about the Brits, but these guys are not making a ton of friends in the peloton and they haven’t even raced yet. Perhaps George Bluth Sr. from Arrested Development was on to something when he warned Michael, “Sure, they’re polite and the men all sound gay, but they will rip your heart out, and their breath…”

Thankfully, we won’t have to wait long to see how Team Sky and all of the other Pro Tour squads (which Lampre may join eventually) fare in 2010 because the season is just about to get underway in Australia at the Tour Down Under. I can’t think of many better places to kick off the rust and sweat through some new team clothing, although I hope nobody makes Robbie McEwen or any of the other natives mad. Even the new World Champion (who is not riding for a Pro Tour team, in case you didn't hear my consternation the first time) has proven to be pretty tough. Like I said before, mess with Australians at your own risk. Just ask the management at Omega Pharma-Lotto. D'oh.

2010 Pro Tour Team Preview: G-S

2010-01-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

Please forgive the unavoidable delay since my last preview of Pro Tour teams A-F. It seems that the graphic and disturbing nature of the new Footon-Servetto kit has caused the FCC to consider charging the team and the UCI with Cycling-Related Crimes Against Humanity, and now journalists who have referenced them publicly are being interrogated. I had three guys in suits and sunglasses banging on my door the other day, asking me if I knew anything about the new kit design, its possible effect on school children and general notions of public decency. They then confiscated my computer for nearly a week and I just now got it back. Strangely, all references of the team have been deleted from my hard drive.

In addition to the Footon-Servetto delay, I was planning on giving the UCI a chance to kick off the vacation dust and make some changes to its website. But...as of January 11, 2010, our leaders in Switzerland still have not gotten around to updating the Pro Tour pages to include Lampre-Fondital among the public list of licensed teams. Therefore, I guess they missed the bus, and Damiano "Fresh Prince" Cunego will have to bear the brunt of the UCI giving me extra time to think of new Carlton and Jazzy Jeff jokes.

Please find the G-S teams listed below. Again, this content is based on the UCI website so it may or may not be accurate. And again, the T's are going to be ridiculous because of the inexplicable use of "Team" as a first name. Whatever.

• Garmin-Slipstream (USA)*

*Please note that the team is not yet recognized as Garmin-Transitions on the UCI website. Again...on January 11, 2010 the correct sponsor name is not listed. Sweet.

Anyway, now that brooding Brit Bradley Wiggins (aka Wiggie Smalls) has followed the pounds to Team Sky (although you wouldn't know it from the UCI lists) the team will be able to focus on helping Americans Christian Vande Velde, Dave Zabriskie and Tom Danielson in stage races throughout the season. Additonally, the emergence of Irishman Dan Martin will give Jonathan Vaughters and Matt "Lt. Jonathan Kendrick" White viable GC options in almost any kind of event throughout the year. In a strange way, I feel like each of these guys has a lot prove this year, either to confirm that they deserve the recognition or to finally make the leap to the next level. The effect of resident Mad Scientist Allen Lim's defection to RadioShack will also be interesting to watch as the season progresses.

One of the biggest hurdles to success in 2010 will be trying to solve the Cavendish Conundrum for Tyler "Farrah Fawcett" Farrar in the sprints. I don't know if the big man from Washington will be able to close the gap to the Teen Wolf of Man but it would be nice if we finally got around to consistently pronouncing his name correctly. It's hard enough to finish second a hundred times in a season, let's at least make sure to get the guy's name right as we describe his frustrating near-misses. Okay Phil and Paul?

All in all, I see Team Sky's cherrypicking of Pro Tour talent as the best thing that could have happened to Garmin-Transitions in 2010. With the diminished Columbia train, not to mention the removal of Wiggie Smalls and his snotty aloofness (seriously, why call out Armstrong and tick off most of your primary competition in the off-season?), I see the Argyle Armada being a more focused crew who will be better prepared to fight with Cavendish and support VDV, DZ and Tommy D in the stage races. My hunch is that 2010 will be the most successful year in the history of this team. I would also like a job with them...but I swear that has nothing to do with my prediction.

• Liquigas-Doimo (ITA)

It sounds weird but...Liquigas is freaking stacked. I really don't know how else to say it. A quick glance at the roster shows names like Bennati, Chicchi, Kreuziger, Nibali, Pellizotti, and Basso, not to mention a bunch of other intensely greased up and cologned Italian dudes. I can't point to much hope for the Spring Classics (even though Quinziato stepped up last year) but Kermit the Frog's favorite team looks pretty decent in both the sprints and the GC for 2010. As Italian cycling slowly fades in to the past, the Gas Face crew is keeping the torch lit for a little while.

Perhaps the most intriguing component of the lime green gang is the established rivalry amongst Franco "Soul Glow" Pellizotti, Roman "Holiday" Kreuziger, Vincenzo "Nibbles" Nibali, and Ivan "The Terrible" Basso. As far as I can tell, none of these guys really like each other and they all seem to be equally good and flawed at the same time. It's like they stocked up on a bunch of cats who probably can't win a Grand Tour but will certainly be fighting each other for spots in the Top 10. I don't know if this is a strategic benefit or not but the drama in 2010 could be Astana-esque.

My only other thought is that they really, really need to do something about those kits. Enough is enough. It's time to leave the 1989 Kawasaki theme in the closet, where it belongs. With that many narcissistic Italians on the team, you would think they'd have switched to something a little cooler by now.

• Omega Pharma-Lotto (BEL)

Having lost Cadel Evans almost immediately after winning the World Championship, the Omega Pharma-Lotto team basically gets no reward for years of near-misses by the snippy Australian. Without placing blame on anyone, I wonder how many times in recent history a new World Champ has bolted for a team that, at least on the surface, is in an inferior league. BMC may be stronger than OP-Lotto on paper, but the fact remains that a Pro Tour team lost the rainbow jersey to a Pro Continental team that has virtually no guaranteed starts in the biggest Pro Tour events. One could argue that Evans' salary is probably less than the cost of entry into the Pro Tour, and yet his presence guarantees BMC entry into the best Pro Tour events. So...why are these other teams spending millions of dollars to get a UCI Pro Tour license again? Good grief, I think my head is going to explode.

Anyway, Leif Hoste will probably finish second in excrutiating fashion during some big races this Spring but at least he won't be crashing with Johan Van Summeren anymore. That's a good thing, I guess. Now he can just crash and lose on his own.

Philippe Gilbert will probably continue to win late-season races while the rest of the field except Cunego and Sammy Sanchez are recovering from the Spring Classics, Giro and the Tour. I know it puts some pressure on, but seriously, why wouldn't you just target late-season events like the Vuelta and Lombardy with the understanding that half of the best guys in the world are basically on vacation or getting ready for the off-season? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like more guys target the Spring and Summer than the Fall. After numerous dismal starts, maybe Gilbert and Omega-Pharma Lotto are just good at playing the odds. It sure worked in 2009.

• Quick Step (BEL)

Barring yet another cocaine bust, Quick Step seems like they are fading from the spotlight, not to mention the ranks of the power teams. With the exception of Tom Boonen, the biggest name on this team is the Patrick LeFevere (or Lefevre..or LeFavre) who is essentially a prototype of the typically arrogant and self-serving Belgian director. How many times has LeFevere been involved in disputes with riders over the last few years? Honestly, I don't even know...but I'm pretty sure it's more than any other Pro Tour figurehead. Sadly, it is turning out that Quick Step represents the old guard of Belgian "Goombah" mentality more than any other organization, and they had better hope the Spring turns out well or else it's going to be ugly in 2010.

If I could bet my entire life savings on something, I would (maybe) put everything on the odds that Quick Step does NOT win either Flanders or Roubaix in 2010. After so many years of dominance, this feels like the year that it all falls apart for the historically successful Belgian team. Sorry Tomeke, but I can't envision good fortune for your team, let alone for anyone who wears socks that combine the World Championship stripes and the Autobot logo (see above photo). Seriously, that is totally unacceptable. You only missed the "Transformer's Are Cool" bus by about 20 years there Big Guy. Besides, everyone knows that the Decepticons were way better than the Autobots. Come on, Bumblebee or Sound Wave? No contest.

• Rabobank (NED)

Does anyone really root for Denis Menchov? Honestly, I don't know. Has there been anyone in the history of professional cycling who has won as many Grand Tours and gets less credit or publicity? Again, I can't think of anyone who has been more successful and less popular. Is it just a function of sucking in the Tour? Really? By results alone, he is one of the best riders in the last 20 years but you'd be hard pressed to get anyone to mention the guy's name in the same sentence as Pantani or Ullrich, or even Basso. Arguably, only Armstrong and Indurain have been more successful since 1990, so it must be the fact that he crashes so much, thus allowing slow, fat journalists to fool themsleves into thinking that he's not that good.

It would be nice to see Oscar Freire win something again but we really need to get Robert Gesink some help. He seems to be following the Menchov formula of being exceptionally strong but strangely prone to decking it at the worst possible time. It's not even like he crashes in groups or anything, he just flies off the road for no reason. I am beginning to wonder if the Rabobank team is cursed, after watching Rasmussen, Menchov, Horillo, Flecha and now Gensink flailing across the road and into the bushes so many times. I know that Flecha has gone to Sky but he was another example of a guy who just couldn't manage to stay on his Rabobank team bike. Maybe if they change their boring kits, they will have better luck. Wishful thinking...

• Saxo Bank (DEN)

As usual, the Saxo Bank empire is built on the combined "Hard Man" foundation of Bjarne Riis, Jens Voigt and Fabian Cancellara. I always laugh when I think of bike racers fighting but honestly, are there three other dudes in the sport who you think could take The Bald Eagle, Chuck Norris and Tony Montana in a street fight? I don't think so. But I would pay just about anything for the Pay Per View if someone wants to set up a tag-team match in the Octagon.

This actually brings up another question: Is hitting the deck at 40 miles per hour more painful than getting punched in the face or kicked in the ribs?

Although I have never been punched in the face (yet) or kicked in the ribs (yet) I would have to assume that crashing on a bike is WAY worse. If some tatooed donkey clocks me in the jaw, I figure I fall down and curl up like a child while someone comes over, stops the fight and takes the other idiot off to jail for a few hours. But you can't take the easy way out in bike racing; bad things are going to happen if you crash at any speed and they are probably more gruesome and painful than taking a fist in the mouth. Therefore...I think Jens Voigt will beat up Kimbo Slice and will win the MMA title in a few months. Then he will win the Criterium International while wearing the championship belt around his waist...just to show that he can.

Interestingly, the Schleck Brothers (aka Schlecks N Effect) are going to probably get more media attention than anyone else on the team in 2010. For some reason, people think that Andy can beat Contador (which he can't) and that somehow the siblings are strengthened by each other (which they aren't). After all, if the 2009 stage to Ventoux was any example, there is nothing to be gained by Frank having anything more than a Lieutenant role in the GC of any Grand Tour. The bottom line is that unless they can do a "Face Off" style surgery that allows Fabian Cancellara to time trial for Andy, the Saxo Bank crew will not get to the top step of the Tour any time soon. Sorry Luxembourg.

With that said, Bjarne's Army will again challenge for the title of the best team in the world, after having given up that claim to Columbia and Astana for the past few years. Especially with recent news that Saxo Bank will be pulling its sponsorship at the end of 2010, you can bet that B. Riis will have everyone's feet firmly in the flames all year.

Stay tuned for the 2010 Pro Tour Preview: T-Z coming soon...

2010 Pro Tour Team Preview: A-F

2010-01-05T10:07:00.001-08:00

As of January 5th 2010, the most recent Pro Tour team information on the UCI website is from late November 2009. Sweet. The website lists 17 Pro Tour teams although there has been news that Lampre was granted the 18th Pro Tour license. Unfortunately, the UCI apparently takes the entire month of December off, and has not bothered to post this information on their website. But that's okay, I'm sure this makes it easier for everyone to line up sponsors and funding when you don't even know which races you will be eligible for until January.

Can you imagine if we didn't know which teams were going to be playing in the NFL, NBA or MLB just a few months before the season? Oh, the Giants are going to be a Minor League team this year? Really? I know cycling is a unique business and there must be some kind of rationale for such tardiness and ambiguity in the licensing process but I am consistently amazed by how shabby professional cycling looks in relation to other sports. Reading the UCI website is a rather fascinating, and oddly depressing endeavor.

In spite of this unfortunate circumstance, I will attempt to provide a brief overview of the 17 Pro Tour teams listed on the UCI website as of early January 2010. It should be noted that the teams are listed alphabetically, although many of them actually have the term "Team" as the first name (Team Columbia-HTC, Team Milram, etc) so there will be an inordinate amount of "T" listings. Again, I am basing this off of published information from the UCI so don't blame me for the confusion. There will be further analysis upon completion of this list but this will have to do for the time being.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 UCI Pro Tour Team Pre Preview:

• AG2R La Mondiale (FRA)

AG2R La Mondial 2009 is remembered for Rinaldo Nocentini’s run in the yellow jersey during the Tour de France, but they are also notorious for orchestrating one of the strangest mid-season kit changes in recent memory. Not really having any household names on their roster after the departure of Christophe Moreau, the French squad went about their pre-Tour business somewhat anonymously in a somewhat boring blue and white design. However, the team underwent a curious fashion transformation which somehow led to the inexplicable vision of the yellow jersey accompanied by brown cycling shorts. How this happened is still a mystery. A crazy French murder mystery. Brown shorts are better than white or yellow, but the whole thing just seemed awkward. Although strangely, I ended up thinking the splotchy white and blue jersey with the brown shorts was kind of cool.

Besides Nocentini and his Franco-Italian soul-patch, the squad is built around the Efemkin twins (I think Vladimir and Evgeni are the Russian names for Mary Kate and Ashley), the future of Nicholas Roche (and history of his father) and the ghost of Cyril Dessel’s yellow jersey from 2006. Sadly, the main thing I think of with Dessel is how many times his name was pronounced "Cereal" by the OLN announcers. We'll see if the brown shorts come back in 2010 because I'm not sure if I see another yellow jersey run in the near future.

• Astana (KAZ)

What do you get when you combine the government of Kazakhstan, the best bike racer in the world, the worst Tour champion ever, and a sketchy super-freak nicknamed after wine? You get Astana 2010, that’s what.

The UCI Pro Tour website continues to recognize them by the same name but this Astana team is a shell of the 2009 version and sadly, continues to keep the horrible baby blue and yellow kits. The only significant difference is the inclusion of a few large red Specialized logos which look like stickers.

Contador could probably finish on the podium of the Tour by himself but it will be interesting to see how he and Vinokourov share the load over the course of the year. Lance and Johan were going to leave and do their own thing anyway but they clearly realized that Astana is Vino’s team, the result being a severely weakened 2010 squad in almost every respect. The addition of Oscar Pereiro seems like a PR move, cashing in on his tainted Tour win yet again. Unless he crashes in spectacular fashion (yet again) I doubt he will be of much interest. He's like a guy who won the lottery but still needs to work. The motivation just isn't the same. It will be interesting to see if this attitude creeps into the rest of the team as well, especially Contador, who almost seemed ready to take 2010 off if Astana didn't come up with the dough.

• Caisse d’Epargne (ESP)

The Spanish team of Spanish riders won the 2009 Tour of Spain, which was good for them (but horribly bad for those who think that the Italian ban on Valverde should be enforced worldwide) and theoretically good for the country. I don't know though. Spain's reputation has not been enhanced by anything stained with Operacion Puerto blood and unfortunately, Caisse d'Epargne won the Vuelta with a guy who seems to be clearly involved. Unfortunately for cycling fans, he also happens to be really good and just won a Grand Tour while banned from racing in another country. This is not what the sport, or Spain's reputation for that matter, needs right now.

All Valverde issues aside, CdE does have other riders who deserve positive attention. Luis Leon-Spinks Sanchez is one of the sharpest and exciting young talents in the peloton and it will very interesting to see if he can continue his progression as a stage racer. After all, he is basically the only guy to beat Contador in the last few years with his victory in Paris-Nice. His tactical sense and time trialling are stronger than Valv.Piti's and he could be in a position to benefit from lying slightly off the main radar in a Grand Tour.

The signing of La Chien, Christophe Moreau was curious, but at the end of the day (and beginning of 2010) Valverde remains the gigantic elephant in the CdE bus.

• Euskaltel-Euskadi (ESP)

We knew Samuel Sanchez was good (2008 Olympic Champion - in case you couldn't tell from his gold-highlighted helmet and bike) but his performance in the 2009 Vuelta was quite impressive, and showed that he may be a Grand Tour contender as well. He just better hope that there are no more team time trials ever again because his stubbornly Basque team is stubbornly one of the most insignificant squads in the Pro Tour. I am beginning to think that their biggest contribution to most races is providing a nice splash of bright orange in Graham Watson photos.

After Landaluze tested positive, it is difficult to name many of the riders on Euskaltel-Euskadi. This is not because I don't know who they are, it's because their names are literally hard to pronounce. They are just a massive jumble of x's and t's and k's, with vowels in odd places (see Amets Txurruka, etc). He may not admit it but I am certain that this is Phil Liggett's least favorite team.

• Footon-Servetto (ESP)

Even though 2009 was a barren, meager year for Fuji-Servetto, at least they got another sponsor with an "F" name for 2010. That was pretty convenient, and I can't wait for my spellcheck to suggest calling them "Futon" throughout the season. That will be fun.

After losing Juan Jose Cobo and his shinguards/socks to CdE, this team is pretty unremarkable. So unremarkable that I really can't think of anything significant they did last year or are likely to do this year. Personally, I will consider Footon-Servetto's season a success if they manage to be mentioned in North American cycling media more than five times the entire season.

• Française des Jeux (FRA)

The best thing that I can say about FdJ is that they are really loyal to their original jersey design. Other than having one of the most familiar kits in the sport, there is really not much else to say about this French team. Seriously, I really wish I had more to say about these guys but with the exception of Sandy Casar’s occasional stage win, there are very few big results to be seen.

While still maintaining their image as a French development team, two of the more intriguing riders are Wesley Sulzberger from Australia and Jussi Veikkanen from Finland. If nothing else, they have great names and are actually pretty decent finishers as well. I would really like to hear the name “Juicy” on the PA at a big event. Whenever you can get the title of a Notorious BIG song pronounced in your name, you are destined for good things. This is why I always thought that Yaroslav Popyvich should have changed his name to Big Popo, but that is another story.

Stay tuned for more shortly...

2009 Road Season Recap - Good Riddance

2009-12-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

As far as I am concerned, 2009 was a truly lame year on almost every level. It may seem myopic to cast such judgment on the last 365 or so days of history but for me and almost everyone I ever speak with or listen to, this is a fairly common sentiment. For nearly everyone except Mark Cavendish and people who like vampires, the past year pretty much sucked and there seems to be a general sense of relief that the first decade of the 21st century (don't get started on the semantics of this statement, you know what I mean) is coming to a close. Besides, according to the Mayans, Nostradamus and the History Channel, we only have a few more years before it’s all over anyway so hopefully 2010 will make up for the last year of lameness. After all, it would be nice to enjoy the final years of human existence.

On that positive note, let’s look back on 2009 in a semi-chronological, semi-freestyle manner, since excessive research is certain to be excessively depressing. Here we go:

January: The most historic event of the year (sorry Lance) takes place as Barack Obama is inaugurated President of the United States of America. Unfortunately, he inherits a rat’s nest of domestic and international problems that even exceeds Pat McQuaid taking over the UCI from Hein Verbruggen. Perhaps Barack and Pat should have a pint sometime and discuss how impossible their respective jobs are. Who would want those positions? I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

February: The fourth edition of the Tour of California takes place, marking the return of Lance Armstrong to the U.S. peloton after a few years of running around with Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. Alright, alright, alright. Despite having his bike stolen and hitting the deck a few times, LA proves that he is serious (duh) and helps Levi Leipheimer take his third consecutive victory in the Amgen ToC. Perhaps the most intriguing result is captured by Tom Peterson, the young American hopeful who hangs with LL and takes the stage win into Santa Cruz ahead of some big names.

March: The European season begins in earnest with Paris-Nice and the beginning of the Armstrong-Contador rivalry on Twitter. Contador bonks and loses to Luis Leon-Spinks Sanchez which prompts LA to publicly heckle his own teammate and show the first sign of his true resentment toward the Spaniard. Go Team!

Tirreno-Adriatico provides some early season sprints, climbs and TT’s as well as a podium of sketchiness in Scarponi, Garzelli and Kloden. Tyler Farrar manages to surprise a distracted Mark Cavendish and beats the Manxman to the line, thereby allowing the American media to fool itself into thinking he might do it again. Understandably, Cavendish holds a grudge and goes on to frustrate the American for the rest of the year.

Milan-Sanremo is perhaps my favorite race, and the 2009 edition of the event confirms its reputation as a Classic. The biggest question is always who can get over the final climbs in good position for the finish although it seems that the sprinters have little difficulty handling them these days. This is again evidenced by Mark Cavendish having enough energy to burst from the pack in the closing meters to nip a courageous Heinrich Haussler in a photo finish after nearly 300 kilometers. If you listen closely, you can hear all of the other sprinters emitting a collective groan as they realize MC is only 23 years old.

April: The Tour of Flanders is an amazingly complex and difficult race, which makes it somewhat odd that the 2009 edition plays out almost exactly the same as the prior year. Similar to 2008, everyone follows Tom Boonen and ends up watching Stijn Devolder ride away with the race. Good for Belgium, not so good for Filippo Pozzato, who confirms his status as Boonen’s Spring shadow.

Norwegians are cool and Ghent-Wevelgem gives a glimpse at the future of Nordic bike racing goodness. Despite the truly bothersome phonetics of his name, Edvald Boasson Hagen is going to be a good one for the Classics and the sprints in years to come. He’s like a younger, Scandinavian Tom Boonen. The only thing that is unfortunate is his apparent ignorance of cycling history. And his haircut.

Later, in Paris-Roubaix Pozzato again plays the role of greasy-haired follower as Boonen rides steadily away from a bunch of people who can’t manage to stay on their bikes. Thor Hushovd is in a great position to get into the Roubaix velodrome with Boonen but decks it into the crowd as the Belgian rides away for his third win.

In the hilly classics, a Russian guy with the most Russian name ever (Sergei Ivanov) wins Amstel Gold for a Russian team, an apparent cheater nicknamed after a cartoon character (Tin-Tin) wins Fleche-Wallone, and Andy Schleck rights the wrongs of the 2008 Liege-Bastogne-Liege with an impressive win in La Doyenne.

May: The Giro d’Italia becomes a farce as Danilo DiLuca defies all rational thought and actually contends for the overall victory. Despite the semi-obvious ridiculousness of DiLuca and his drug-ridden performance, Denis Menchov proves too strong and too robotic to beat, securing his third Grand Tour victory ahead of names like Basso, Armstrong and Sastre. As usual, Menchov crashes in the final time trial, perhaps just to remind us that he is not a cyborg. One would think that robots would be better bike handlers.

June: The Dauphine-Libere again proves to be a strange event as Alejandro Valverde wins for the second year in a row. Perhaps Valv.Piti is more motivated than his competitors since he is not allowed to race in Italy and is prohibited from competing in the upcoming Tour de France. Interestingly, Alberto Contador seems more than willing to let his compatriot take the victory, perhaps hinting that he will rely on Spanish support during the Tour.

In Switzerland, Fabian Cancellara wins a Tour de Suisse that could not be more suited to his capabilities. Nevertheless, after a mediocre Spring campaign Fab-Can shows that he will be a force to be reckoned with for the remainder of the season.

July: For anyone really paying attention, the Tour de France is a formality as Alberto Contador proves, yet again, that he is on another level. Despite media efforts to create competitive tension, the race is essentially over the moment Contador finishes the prologue in Monaco. Nobody is going to beat Cancellara for the first yellow jersey but the Spaniard is faster than Bradley Wiggins, Cadel Evans and a full 22 seconds in front of Armstrong after only 15 kilometers. No one can drop him (or even stay with him) in the mountains, and Contador goes on to win the final time trial as well, raising eyebrows and crushing dreams along the route around Lake Annecy.

Understanding that Contador is going to win unless Lance is willing to stick a pump in his spokes, the remainder of the Tour is an open audition for the future 2nd and 3rd place finishers over the next few years of Spanish spider monkey-style dominance. Andy Schleck seems to be a contender in the mountains but will have to get a lot better in the TT’s while Wiggins holds his own on the climbs but will have to prove that he is truly deserving of recognition as a future contender to Contador’s throne. If anything, the 2009 Tour de France proves that AC is not quick to back down and may have as much inner fury as his pseudo-teammate from Texas. This is scary.

Also scary is the fact that Mark Cavendish is virtually unbeatable in bunch sprints. Never before in my experience has someone dominated finishes the way that Columbia and Cavendish did in 2009. As such, the final stage on the Champs Elysees is the most impressive victory of the entire Tour, as George Hincapie crushes the run-in on a broken collarbone (almost single-handedly destroying the Garmin train) and sets up Mark Renshaw and Cavendish for the easiest and most convincing sprint finish I have ever seen. On the biggest stage possible.

August: Despite many near-misses throughout the year, Tyler Farrar finally catches a bit of momentum with an impressive win at Vattenfalls and a near-sweep of the Eneco Tour. Unfortunately, very few people have ever heard of these races.

Back in the States, Big George Hincapie uses his post-Tour, post-broken collarbone fitness to ride away with a third USPRO Championship in his hometown. After getting jobbed by Garmin-Slipstream during the Tour, Melanie’s husband gets a popular win in the Road Race as Dave Zabriskie saves face for the Argyle Armada and takes home yet another Captain America skinsuit in the Time Trial.

September: Despite Pat McQuaid’s prayers and ongoing battles regarding Operacion Puerto, Alejandro Valverde actually rides an intelligent race and wins the Vuelta Espana. Cadel Evans suffers extremely bad luck and Tom Danielson continues to subject the world to flashes of brilliance followed by painful disappointment. As screwed up as it seems, very few people are surprised by any of this. On the positive side, Tyler Farrar, Ryder Hesjedal and David Millar all win stages for Garmin-Slipstream, continuing a solid late-season rush that they all wish would have happened a couple months earlier.

In the Show Me State, Dave Zabriskie time trials his way to victory in the Tour of Missouri. Interestingly, the win is the first for DZ in a stage race and he is put under intense pressure for the final days of the event, despite the generally false assumption that Missouri is flat.

The World Championships are held in Switzerland and Fabian Cancellara comes very close to pulling off a truly amazing TT/RR double-gold performance. After destroying everyone in the TT, Fab-Can seems to be the strongest in the Road Race but falls victim to a late attack by Cadel Evans who goes on to a solo victory. No one argues that Evans is not worthy of the win but I have to wonder if we will ever witness someone come that close to wearing both professional rainbow jerseys.

October: Philippe Gilbert corners the market on late-season form and goes on a tear, winning four post-Worlds races in a row. The biggest win comes in the Giro di Lombardia as the Belgian shows his all-around skill by hanging with Sammy Sanchez on the final climb and descent before handling the Olympic champion in the final sprint. It remains to be seen whether Gilbert can keep his momentum through the offseason and challenge for some of the Spring Classics but if the final weeks of the 2009 season are any indication, he will be a confident challenger in 2010, despite his weird shoe design.

All in all, 2009 was a pretty entertaining year in the cycling world. Sure, there were many things that I did not recall in this process and there are many reasons that the aforementioned events stuck out to me, good and bad. But at the end of the day (or year), bike racing continued to provide a welcome diversion from the mundanity of my existence and yet again confirmed my optimism for the upcoming season. I can only hope that 2010 turns out better than 2009 on every level. Especially for Chris Horner.

Veterans Day Discourse - The Price of Courage

2009-11-11T05:53:00.000-08:00

Veterans Day means many things to many people. Personally, it is a time to reflect on the horror of war and honor those who have died in battle. But mostly, it is an opportunity to be exceedingly grateful that I have never had a compelling reason to join the military. I am also quick to recognize how lucky I am to have even had a choice in the matter. Thankfully, the thought of being forced to war (a frightening reality in the U.S. until 1973) is utterly inconceivable and I am thoroughly appreciative of the ability to consciously, legally avoid situations where I am forced to kill or be killed.

Since my generation has never had to worry about a draft, there has always been an assumption that one joins the military to either a) locate some financial assistance or a future career, or b) satisfy some kind of psychological urge for structure or violence. This is a generalization, of course, but also neatly sums up the core themes of Armed Forces advertising campaigns, so these opportunities must be appealing to someone. Without question, the decision is certainly a combination of various critical factors and there are obviously very complex reasons for signing your life away to Uncle Sam for a minimum of two years. Yet somehow I imagine that the best soldiers (at a time when enlistment is not mandatory) possess a healthy appreciation of (or at least a tolerance for) the latter elements.

For the record, I say all of this with a strong military presence in my family and deep respect for the security we enjoy courtesy of our Armed Forces. But beyond this appreciation of personal fortune and the sacrifice of others, I generally accomplish my patriotic duty for Veterans Day by watching football all week long and drinking domestic beer. I do this most Fall weeks anyway but recent military-themed NCAA and NFL programming over the past few days has forced me to come to a seemingly unpatriotic and unsettling conclusion: America killed Pat Tillman.

For those familiar with Tillman’s story (and more importantly, with the extent to which he has been glorified by the media; especially NFL-related sports outlets), this statement may fall somewhere between mildly shocking to grossly offensive. In truth, even I am disturbed by the potentially inflammatory nature of a claim that, if misinterpreted, may seem to minimize the inherent value of a life taken in the line of duty. It should be clear that this is certianly not my intent. It just seems as if his legacy should be examined within a semi-objective cultural context that serves as more than a vehicle for Chris Berman's labored superlatives, a heavily-orchestrated soundtrack and Arizona Cardinal football highlights.

Theoretically, Pat Tillman left a successful NFL career and sacrificed his life defending the United States of America. This is his lasting public legacy. But in reality he has (in the media-driven wake of his horrifyingly un-glorious death) become a depressingly simplified representation of a highly dangerous, uniquely American mix of arrogance, aggression, and tragedy. In reality, Pat Tillman, and most importantly his death as a result of being shot in the head three times by “alleged” friendly fire in Afghanistan, represents little more than a grim casualty of this country’s fundamental political, industrial, military and sporting ideology. Kill or be killed.

In public, Pat Tillman’s legacy is recounted with words like “hero” and “warrior.” In private, by those who truly loved him and miss him, there are likely unheard cries of “victim” and “waste.” These are not angry, mean-spirited words. They are deeply, painfully sad words. To his family and his country, Tillman was a tragically willing manifestation of a culture that outwardly encourages personal sacrifice while comfortably judging the world through television sets in the safety of warm living rooms. His legacy is carved in stone among the largely irrelevant flag-waving, jersey-wearing masses but Marie Tillman is now a widow and his family has been forever devastated by his choice to fight in a war that he may have ultimately come to question.

Pat Tillman was different than most people, and probably did not have much in common with many of those who now claim to idolize him. He was a man of extreme action and outward strength, whose life was brutally extinguished in an effort to embody values few possess, and which rarely exist in the real world. By representing an almost Hollywood-esque vision of patriotism (and perhaps, from a psychological perspective, subconsciously motivated by a personal desire for revenge as much as an active civic responsibility) Tillman consciously put his sworn obligation to care for his wife and family behind by volunteering for a starting position on the front lines of a lopsided war taking place halfway across the globe.

In 2002, Pat Tillman turned down a contract offer from the Arizona Cardinals of $3.6 million over three years to enlist in the U.S. Army. This money would have secured the financial future of his wife and family, while still allowing significant room for charitable contributions to any number of military causes. A fraction of Tillman’s annual salary would have been able to enrich the lives of hundreds of families already affected by the war(s) in Afghanistan and Iraq. But instead of maximizing this potential good will, he chose to quit the NFL, leave his family and risk becoming yet another number in the growing death toll.

Again, it should be clearly reiterated that I have immense respect for Pat Tillman on many levels, both personal and professional. It is virtually impossible for me to take issue with someone who has, at least in principle, sacrificed his life for my country. While I may disagree with his perceived logic and decision-making in this particular instance, such differences of opinion are common among thoughtful human beings and certainly not indicative of a personal desire to damage his reputation in any way. For the record, my concern is with the cultural context of his death and how it has been portrayed and manipulated by the media. In fact, Tillman’s reputation (and what it says about America) is what I am most concerned with.

Judging from standard media portrayals, Pat Tillman was the epitome of a contemporary hero, exemplifying the best “warrior” qualities of a football player, soldier and the All-American Man. However, I fear this description is misleading and potentially dangerous. One would hope that such a Man would place higher value on his potential contribution to family and society. Such a Man would ideally put these obligations above his own short-term personal motivations, no matter how noble they may have seemed to him at the time. Sadly, it is difficult to locate this mentality in the final act of Tillman’s life and subsequently, he has been reduced to a caricature of himself within much of the mainstream media. His legacy has now moved from that of a curiously tragic figure to a one-dimensional ultra-man who made the courageous, yet largely inexplicable choice to turn his back on millions of dollars in order to fight a war that ultimately, did not require his presence.

The mysterious nature of Tillman's death and subsequent controversy regarding its details have only served to further distance his public story from whatever the original truth may have been. It seems that no one (including the U.S. Army and his family) knows exactly what led to Pat Tillman being shot three times in the head by a fellow American soldier and at this point, it is difficult to separate the gruesome reality from the glamorized "warrior" images that now serve as the only visual reminder of his life for the general public. Strikingly similar to football, the true violence and danger of war is often masked by a shining, heroic facade of valor and honor. Tillman may have honestly embodied these traits as he performed his duty on the football field and battle field but in reality, both endeavors likely favor those who are willing to sacrifice any such notions. Valor and honor cannot guarantee a safe return home.

By all accounts, Pat Tillman was a good man, a good football player, and a good soldier who actually had very intelligent, critical thoughts on the war effort. By nature, one would assume that he would probably be uncomfortable with the title of “Hero.” Instead, he would likely prefer to be remembered as a “Patriot” and seemed to exemplify this description in both thought and action, perhaps more than almost anyone I can recall in my lifetime. That was probably enough for him and it should be enough for us. Heroes only exist in myths and sadly, Pat Tillman’s life and death are very real.

Conversation With The Devil In A Silver Subaru

2009-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

The stretch of 4th Street leading south past the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine rises sharply but is fairly easy to ride up quickly without too much effort. Unfortunately, there is a stop sign at the intersection with Mapleton Avenue at the top of the hill that kills whatever momentum you have carried up the incline, and there are usually enough cars going up or down Sunshine Canyon to force an awkward “No, please, you go” scenario when you get there. That is, if you bother to stop at all.

The silver Subaru revved unnervingly behind me as I began to accelerate through the intersection, grinding my previously perfect but now painful gear back up to speed. I knew from the sound of the engine that this car had just performed a “California Roll” through the stop sign and was quickly bearing down on me as I crossed over Mapleton Hill. Normally this is not a concern but the street was beginning to narrow and there were cars parked all along the right curb, cutting my lane by a full four feet almost immediately. This did not matter to the silver Subaru, who raced along side me going well over the speed limit, pushing me further to the right and forcing me to brake in order to avoid doing a Davis Phinney impersonation into the back of a Lexus SUV.

I pulled back into the street and watched as the silver Subaru accelerated toward a large truck that was heading up to one of the many remodeling and construction projects on Mapleton Hill. For a moment I was certain that there would be a head-on collision, likely resulting in various unpleasant injuries and an even more unpleasant 911 call by yours truly. But honestly, a darker part of me kind of wanted to see the Subaru taste a little instant karma (as well as the bumper of a fully-loaded Toyota Tacoma).

The trucker laid heavily on the horn and finally managed to curb-check it enough to allow the silver Subaru to squeeze through without damage, but it was incredibly close. The truck stopped and a bearded man began leaning his head out of the window as I passed, both of us shaking our heads in mutual disgust. I could not make out the details of the driver’s comments but I am confident that they were not suitable for children.

The silver Subaru took a right turn at the bottom of the hill and I casually followed its path into the condominium parking lot at the end of the street. Usually I do not follow aggressive drivers (and certainly do not recommend it) but for some reason I felt a need to let this person know that he or she was probably not meeting the standard mental health requirements for Colorado driving privileges. Or at the very least, I wanted to ask why he or she chose to drive in such a manner when they only lived a few blocks away. I didn’t expect a positive reaction but I was wearing a helmet and had easy access to a bike pump if things got really out of hand.

When the forty-fifty-ish woman with a man’s haircut and sandals got out of the silver Subaru, she acted like nothing had happened. When she noticed me pulling up to the car she shockingly exclaimed, “Can you believe that truck honked at me? He almost hit me!”

I almost fell down in amazement but managed to circle back around and compose myself before responding, “Well, usually people honk when they are about to get hit, not when they are doing the hitting. I think that was actually your fault back there.”

She finished pulling her yoga mat out of the car and began to say something stupid when I interrupted her and stated in a firm yet unemotional tone, “You nearly hit me after blowing through the stop sign on Mapleton and then drove into oncoming traffic and nearly hit that truck. Just so you could get home from yoga class three seconds sooner? YOU are the problem and you are a menace.”

After those words came (semi-involuntarily) out of my mouth, I realized that last part may have been a bit excessive and it seemed to trigger a weird reaction in the manly-coiffed silver Subaru driver. She stuttered for a moment, shaking angrily in her stupid yoga clothes that would be inappropriate for a woman half her age and then blurted out, “I don’t have time for this right now.”

The mannish yoga wench stormed across the parking lot like a spoiled eight year-old brat and then suddenly (and rather humorously) realized that she had not locked her car. I watched for a moment as she turned back toward me, looked at her keys, then turned back around and walked away. She was apparently willing to leave whatever stupid valuables she may have had in the silver Subaru unprotected in order to avoid speaking to me again. But I didn’t really have anything else to say anyway, so it was probably better for both of us that she ran home like a little girl with Tom Brokaw’s haircut. Besides, her yoga mat was a better weapon than my bike pump.

If I were a meaner person (like her) I would have done something unpleasant to the exterior of her car after she ran away like a flexible, elitist coward. If I were really messed up I probably would have ripped out her stereo. But I’m the kind of guy who feels bad about yelling at stupid drivers, so I just rode away silently and lit her condo on fire later that night.

Interbike Images: Pro Style

2009-10-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

One of the cooler things about Interbike is the prominent display of many sweet Professional bikes that have been ridden in the biggest events in the world. As soon as you walk into the lobby of the event you are greeted by a couple of Grand Tour rigs right off the bat.

Now, Denis Menchov is a great rider, and it's easy to forget that he has three Grand Tour victories to his name. But for some reason, it's easier to remember that he hits the deck more than any other big name rider I can think of. He crashes going uphill, in time trials, on descents...it's really quite remarkable. I looked for scratches and blood (or chicken feathers) but couldn't find any evidence.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was somewhat fascinated by Thor's green Zipp wheelset. Here is a photo of why. For some reason, I think they are the coolest wheels but the bike itself is really sweet across the board. Black and green Cervelo with Speedplays and Zipps? Yeah, sign me up. Green is for the money.

Here is a lineup of rigs from Shimano's Pro Tour teams. The emergence of SRAM into the road market has been amazing but Shimano still brings some phenomenal product to the table. However, the coolest thing in this photo is the Cav-Custom green cockpit on the Scott in the foreground. The least cool thing is the pair of orange knickers that the dude on the right is wearing.

Here is another shot of the green cockpit from PRO. Notice how bulky and gigantic the stem is, as well as the slightly odd tape job on the bars. Not sure if that was to show more of the graphics or what, but that tape seems a little wide to my eye and would bother my hands on the tops. I think this setup was designed by Bishop Don Magic Juan.

As you can already tell, many companies make significant efforts to display their Pro affiliations. In a sport where equiment really does count, this is important to both customers and marketing managers alike. Vittoria couldn't really show a bunch of worn-out tires so they displayed signed jerseys from the teams that they sponsor. However, they may have been the signatures of the employees at their factory for all I know...I doubt anyone really checked the authenticity.

Here is another wall of jerseys from Vittoria. I think I would probably have put the Garmin and Lampre jerseys above the Rock Racing one. But that's just me. And someone should have thought some more about having the Cervelo guys sign the jersey in black ink. Oh well.

The SRAM booth had a nice display of bikes from the Tour which was understandable, considering they swept the podium with Astana and Saxo Bank. Here is Andy Schleck's rig, which looks almost exactly like his brother Frank's...just a little better.

This is actually the TT bike that Lance used in the Tour of California. I'm not sure if it was the one that was stolen in Sacramento but at least it didn't have hundreds of dead butterflies pasted all over it. I have a significant appreciation for and understanding of artwork of many kinds but I am still having a hard time reconciling Lance's use of "pickled shark artist" Damien Hirst's grotesque butterfly paint job on his Champs Elysees bike at the Tour. There are plenty of great artists out there who do not have to resort to a sickening misappropriation of Nature's beauty in order to make a name for themselves. Regardless of whether he used his own "bred" butterflies, if one animal was killed to serve this pathetically arrogant purpose, it was not worth it. Terrible decision all around.

Contador's bike however, was a very nice example of class and complex graphic work. I like this bike a lot and thought it was neat that they incorporated the three Grand Tour hash-marks on the seat-tube, which have been pink, gold and yellow on his other bikes. Similar to Thor's Cervelo, this is just a really fast-looking, classy machine that pays homage to the event while still looking like it means business. Awesome wheel graphics too.

The fastest bike in the world? Probably. Cancellara's TT bike looks like a nasty tempered, two-wheeled version of Knight Rider. This bike hates it's life...getting mauled by some gigantic Swiss freak of nature who makes 400 watts seems like a rest period. Carbon and alloy can only take so much stress and strain. I predict this bike will commit suicide to end the misery.

I am still waiting for the lab tests to come back but my prediction is that the name tag on Franco Pellizotti's bike was worn off as a result of the toxic effect of Jheri-Curl juice. As we all know from experience, there is a lot of sweat that drips onto the top tube during a race. So it makes sense that a high dose of extremely concentrated hair products would destroy the stickers and paint job just behind the headtube of Franco "Soul Glow" Pellizotti.

As much as I will continue to heckle Soul Glow Pellizotti (BTW - what ever happened with the whole racism deal at the Tour?) for his blonde soul patch and Side Show Bob hairdo, I cannot argue with the fact that he has had a great season. Although, with the advent of colored shorts in bike racing, I am no longer certain that winning the polka-dot jersey is an honor or just an opportunity to look like a freaking clown. I guess it's both really. But Jalabert never looked like a clown, Herrera never looked like a clown. So why have Michael Rasmussen, Soul Glow and almost everyone else recently looked like idiots when they lead the mountains classification? Colored shorts...that's why. And stupid hairdos.

Anyway, in an effort to support the industry I will admit that the polka-dot bike is rad. Polka-dot shorts are criminal, but this Cannondale is pretty sweet. You see a ton of Donkeys out there who try to rock the King of the Mountains kit but nobody has the real-deal polka-dot bike to go with it. That is legit. Not like the 275lb cat I see at the Tour of California every year in full Rabobank polka gear on a mountain bike.

Besides the personalized bikes, another really cool Pro feature are custom shoes. I think these are Bradley Wiggins' track shoes but since the Brits basically own every Velodrome event these days, they could belong to someone else. But I'm pretty sure they were made for Wiggie Smalls. The Bont shoe display was like a rainbow of shiny leather and carbon but these lace-up kicks were the most eye-catching. I hate laces though. I wish I could wear velcro shoes all the time. Does Roos make a wingtip model?

Now THIS bike is really what it's all about. Personally, I have always been drawn to Scott's paint schemes from a graphic perspective but this custom job for Mark Cavendish is just about as sweet as it can get. Taking the theme from the old Spitfire fighter planes, this thing just literally oozed Fastness through the display case. The sharp silver, black, white and yellow highlights have a slightly matted look that enhances the tough appearance.

But the coolest details of all are the painted lady on the headtube and markings on the toptube to represent each of Cav's six stage wins. This photo shows the graphics of rivets and sheet metal panels as well, which enhance the sensation that this bike is truly unique. There are a lot of cool paint jobs out there but this rig actually looks like it was made differently and is a great modern take on a classic theme. I am usually not fond of War references in sports but this bike won my prize for Best Pro Bike at the show. There was a Colnago and a Serotta that get my DREAM bike award but Cav's Scott Spitfire was super fly.

As we move from Road to Cross Season, I though this would be a nice way to end the 2009 Pro Bike section. This may be a really sweet bike but since it's Cross...who can tell? Colorado mud does not make my bike look like this...

Where else is mud revered and respected like this? Only Interbike...

The Real Interbike - Part Three: Attack Of The Bike Clones

2009-09-30T01:43:00.001-07:00

Regardless of any formal training or specialized credentials, I consider myself something of a Scientist. Not traditional, lab coat and Bunsen Burner science mind you, but more of the psycho-social, holier-than-thou kind of science that usually involves a healthy dose of self-indulgent over-analysis, qualified speculation and inactionable conclusions. Perhaps it is for this reason that my degree from the University of Colorado has the initials B.A. and not B.S. on it. Although one could argue that a Bachelor of Arts degree merely reflects the ability to make B.S. an art form. And I am determined to put that diploma to good use.

So it makes sense that Interbike, for me, rapidly devolved from a Bicycle Industry trade show into a Bicycle Industry freak show of sorts, a global bike-culture circus of one-upmanship and false posturing for me to document, recount and ultimately ridicule. Just like a good scientist should.

Perhaps viewing Interbike attendees as a Species is more accurate, if not, at the very least a little more sympathetic. This perspective then makes it easy to break down various sub-species according to the kind of bikes they ride or if they even ride at all. Further analysis of physical features such as hairstyle (both head and leg, male and female), visible tattoos/piercings and wardrobe can then be cross-referenced with a linguistic database of words like "sick" "chamois" and "resistance" to create a complete taxonomic map of Interbike attendees. With some additional funding from the National Science Foundation and Trek Bikes, it is my assertion that this data can then be used to create a formula to accurately predict behavior patterns in this population during at least 85% of normal daily activities. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

The point is that the Bicycle Industry, as much as any other I can think of, contains people that really look like they are in the Bicycle Industry. For better or worse. There are a number of individuals (usually with titles like Vice President of Something or Whatnot Director) who looked like they could have been in another industry (and probably have been at some point) but with the exception of many similarly logoed shirts, the crowd at Interbike tends to look like the crowd at the Solvang Time Trial in the Tour of California. Only slightly younger and less well-dressed.

Don't get me wrong, I think this is a good thing. I was never able to wear shorts and running shoes when I worked Laser Industry trade shows and am admittedly bitter that I was grilled on technical specs by physicists and engineers, not bearded bike shop managers from Vermont named Grizz. Again, the fact that wearing a suit and tie at Interbike would be the equivalent of wearing cut-off jeans to Photonics West is not a bad thing at all. Although I am certainly not advocating cut-offs, but that is kind of missing the point. It's the freedom to wear them that makes the bike industry cooler than most...albeit, more prone to otherwise-inexcusable wardrobe choices and guys with strange nicknames.

One of the things that I have noticed about Interbike and cycling culture in general, is that there is often very little visible difference between the best athletes in the world and some random, relatively fit person with shaved legs, colorful athletic shoes and a Lance Armstrong wristband. To the untrained eye, it must seem like there are at least 20,000 professional cyclists in Boulder alone. But the interesting thing is that most of the professional cyclists at Interbike (at least the Road and Mountain riders - BMX is a whole different beast) actually seem to dress the most normally, often in a manner that shows no signs of aforementioned casual bike-wear conformity seen on so many non-pros. But ironically, by dressing so normally they almost stand out more. It is an interesting phenomenon.

As I mentioned earlier, the BMX scene is a very unique sub-species in the Biker Kingdom. Possessing the most youth appeal and highest ratio of ink and metal-to-skin at Interbike, the BMX Zone was pretty cool to walk through at a brisk pace. Even though I started riding similar bikes at a young age, the haunting memory of having my Predator stolen from out in front of Der Weinerschnitzel in 1986 was just too much for me to handle. Especially with so much caffeine, guarana and B-Vitamins coursing through my veins, causing horrible flashbacks of corn dogs, root beer and that sickeningly empty bike rack at the corner of Camino Alto and East Blithedale Avenue in Mill Valley.

BMX has changed a lot since back then though. I thought I was badass when I would ride on my pegs and get more than 6 inches of air on any jump. Now guys are doing flippity-flips, tumbly-twists and other stuff that could be considered far more athletically challenging than riding up or down a hill quickly. It's too bad they all look like felonious thugs wearing shirts that are too small, pants that are too big and hats that look like they will blow off when the air conditioning kicks on. I actually thought a lot of the bikes and equipment were pretty cool but sadly, the collar on my shirt and plaid on my slacks made me feel uncomfortable in the BMX Zone and I had to hastily retreat to the safety of the Media Room for a cup of coffee and some stale pretzels.

The Media Pavillion at Interbike is basically a big room in the middle of the show floor with glass walls, a bunch of lunch tables and so many chairs that it's impossible to walk through without banging your shins repeatedly. There is another stage room where televised interviews take place but the main draw for most of the writers is the snacks. Every so often someone re-stocks the coffee and if you are incredibly lucky you can actually get a bagel or a cookie to nibble on. There were rumors of brownies and fruit but I never saw them and think the whole story may have been exaggerated for the sake of a few gullible and hungry journalists. With no brownies or cookies, I was left to sit alone at a table in the middle of the room, staring out through the clear walls at the Interbike population - taking notes, laughing to myself and furiously adding data to my taxonomic ranking of the Biker Species as I finished off the remaining coffee and pretzels.

Check Back for The Real Interbike - Part Four: It's A Small Interbike World

The Real Interbike - Part Two: The Best Little Bike House In Vegas

2009-09-29T20:37:00.001-07:00

As I entered the exhibition hall, momentarily paralyzed by the neon lights and smell of new Lycra, I experienced my first flashback of the trip. In my professional life so far, I have somehow managed to find myself at no fewer than eight trade shows, each passing quickly through my mind as I sternly pretended to look at the exhibitor list. These past experiences have varied greatly, depending on vital factors associated with the particular industry, organizational affiliation and, perhaps most importantly, the location of the event. However, none of the aforementioned conditions holds a candle to the importance of whether you experience the show as an Exhibitor or Attendee. It's almost like the difference between being a Prostitute or a Pimp. Or so I've heard...

Considering that this is Las Vegas, it is understandable that one would be so desensitized by the billboard-scale public nudity and fleets of Hooker Trading Card Distributors on every street corner that he or she is either unwilling or unable to identify the similarities between what is going on out in the streets and what is taking place in the air-conditioned rat maze of Interbike. Sadly, this psychological avoidance is understandable, since the majority of people in the bike industry are exploited even more heinously than those within the other, slightly less-dysfunctional profession. But the health and benefits packages are strikingly similar.

Seriously though, this is a town where you can never really be sure if that late-twenties to mid-thirties woman in the mini skirt being paraded around on the arm of the strutting 50-70 year-old schlub in the Tommy Bahama shirt is really his wife or girlfriend or simply a short-term business associate, and there is an unavoidable synergy to the whole Trade Show/Flesh Trade relationship. The fact that Las Vegas proudly boasts a devotion to both excess and the almighty dollar bill acts like lighter fluid sprayed on a stagnant barbecue, exciting the flames of greed and moral sacrifice beneath the Big Burger of Capitalism. Because of this, there really is no better backdrop for an Industry trade show than Las Vegas, although it is unlikely that these observations will ever make the pages of your favorite bicycle-related media outlet or marketing campaign. "Come to Interbike in Las Vegas! Where obscene greed and unsolicited exhibitionism are not only accepted, they're encouraged!"

At this point, it should be acknowledged that I am using this inflammatory analogy in specific reference to the relationship between the Exhibitors (Manufacturers and Suppliers of Goods and Services) and Retailers (Resellers of Goods and Services), since these groups comprise the majority of Interbike participants. Operating somewhere on the fringe are the Media and a handful of Pros and Personalities, doing everything from on-site product reviews and interviews to networking with sponsors and signing autographs. Or just kind of walking around, taking pictures of cool things and occasionally talking to people, like I did for hours on end each day.

Strangely, I have had a full media credential for two years running and have still yet to perform any of the aforementioned activities in a formal capacity while I was there. It seems that anything truly important should be followed up on after the show, so the extent of my on-site analysis was a reckless pillaging of various weakly-monitored booths containing a plethora of substances promising to elevate energy levels. Unfortunately, the lack of a predetermined scientific hypothesis and properly qualified control group will probably render my experiment/overdose unfit for academic publishing but there may be some use within the fields of Chemical Toxicology or Clinical Psychology, depending on the severity of my current laundry-list of post-Interbike, free sample-induced health concerns.

Regardless, it should be recognized that there are two primary goals for most of the people and companies attending Interbike, depending on which side of the so-called Pimp and Ho/Retailer and Supplier Fence you happen to fall on. Understandably, these are often complicated relationships, fraught with potential conflicts of interest and guarded communication. Especially in the bicycle industry. Being dangerously juiced up on Sport Beans and GoFast only exacerbates the tension.

On one side, the Exhibitors go out of their way to make themselves look as superficially attractive as possible, slathering a thick layer of makeup on blemishes in recent product offerings and hoping no one notices the nasty scars and burn marks they have likely accumulated over a lifetime in the business. It's not exactly the Red Light District in Amsterdam but there is certainly a come-hither vibe emanating from many of the booths. After a while I would just refuse to make eye contact with anyone, for fear that they would ask me if I wanted to hear about their latest product line or whether I was looking for a good time.

You see, the Exhibitor's best hope is to align themselves with competent and proactive Retailers, aggressive and reliable business people who will pursue new business while providing a certain level of protection and support when things get a little freaky. The best ones will even step in when some customer needs to get slapped around a little bit, but this is not as common as it once was. It is also important for the Retailers to determine the suitability of a certain Exibitor's Product for his or her market. For example, the big names like Specialized and Oakley know that they appeal to a large audience and can command a premium. But there are always those weirdos and fetishists who are into freaky stuff and like certain features, proportions, colors or recumbents. The Retailer must know the desires of the customer and have the necessary inventory in stock.

While the Exhibitor controls the Product, it is the Retailer who assumes the position of power in the Interbike relationship. As a result, there is a noticeable stench of desperation permeating the Sands Expo, the byproduct of hundreds of businesses realizing that their success or failure is largely dictated by Retailers who may or may not ever consider using their product and may or may not have multiple facial piercings and a neck tattoo. Apparently these features guarantee that you are fit to represent the industry to the general public and are the Interbike equivalent of leather and denim at a Hells Angels rally.

Just as it is difficult to determine if the blonde in the high heels is a wife or an escort, it is nearly impossible to tell if the guy in the ripped jeans and greasy t-shirt is the store owner or some guy who snuck in the service entrance. It has been said that Las Vegas is not all that it seems on the surface, so it makes perfect sense that the same can also be said for Interbike. But after some more thought, all these flashing lights and tight clothing really do remind me of the Red Light District, only with carbon fiber and chrome as the bait. Perhaps there is more truth on the surface than we were told.

Check back for The Real Interbike - Part Three: Attack Of The Bike Clones

The Real Interbike - Part One: Where It's At

2009-09-28T09:19:00.001-07:00

On the surface, Interbike is the biggest bicycle industry trade show in North America. But beneath this glamorous exterior, it is a bubbling cauldron of gratuitous bike porn, blatant posing and institutionalized class discrimination...among other significantly less-distasteful things. I understand that this may sound a bit heavy to the casual observer (considering that it really is a very pleasant and well-run affair) but after reading numerous safe/bland descriptions of the event recently, this seems like an opportune time to provide an in-depth look at what The Show is really like. However, it should probably be noted from the outset of this personal account that the consumption of a near-fatal mixture of energy drinks, gels, bars, chews and beans over the course of my 48-hour Interbike experience has left me in a hyper-paranoid, borderline-psychotic state from which I may never fully recover. As in all tales, both fact and fiction, there is usually some truth to all sides of the story.

Let me explain...

I arrived in Las Vegas at approximately 9am on Thursday, after a whopping three hours of restless sleep. Since the Divine Airline Math Network (D.A.M.N.) determined that it was somehow cheaper for me to fly through Phoenix first, this meant a 2:45am wake up call in order to get to Denver for my flight. There is something unnerving about drinking coffee at three o'clock in the morning but I knew it was better to start warming up the system early since it was sure to be a marathon/death march of epic proportions in Vegas. I couldn't check in to my suite at the Bellagio (or was it a Standard room at Bally's?) until much later in the day so the plan was to catch a shuttle to the Venetian and head over to Interbike at the Sands Expo immediately upon my arrival. Certainly not ideal, but that was the plan.

The sensations of arriving and departing any big city are unique but McCarran Airport in Las Vegas probably has a wider spectrum of energy and hygiene between "coming" and "going" than any place I can think of. The people coming in look like they are getting ready for the best time of their lives and the ones going out either look like the worst rejects from the Real World or undercover junkies and coke-dealers from a lost Miami Vice episode. There is a tangible excitement among the recent arrivals - usually an inexplicable assortment of people from all over the world who curiously decided that spending their money and time in Sin City was a good idea - which inevitably rubs off on you somehow, even if, like me, you are already anxiously awaiting a return to the sanity of home before you even get off the plane. As for the people leaving...honestly, I'd rather spend the night in a graveyard on Halloween than a departing gate at McCarran Airport on any Sunday of the year. Grim is not a strong enough term.

Strangely, even though I have voluntarily traveled to Las Vegas on multiple occasions, I still can't help but wonder what possesses most human beings to actually want to fly there. At least I had work* as an excuse this time, and therefore avoided most of the unpleasant internal arguments over situational morals, ethics and economics which have tended to plague my voluntary visits. Sadly though, possessing a conscience is clearly a detriment to fully enjoying any Vegas experience, regardless of circumstance. *Definitions of "work" may vary.

So after dodging multiple limping Del Boca Vista Retirement Community refugees in matching sweat suits and trying desperately to rationalize the fact that I had recently overheard TWO separate conversations about fake tanning products (including an impressively detailed comparison of application procedures and unwanted side effects) I finally made it through the terminal and into the brisk 90-degree heat of mid-morning in the desert. Apparently there was some kind of contest going on in town where being tan was a huge concern but unfortunately, I was unable to identify a particular skill or talent among those discussing it. Other than being really, really tan of course. Keep in mind that I came in on a flight from Phoenix.

After identifying the proper shuttle, it was a pretty quick jump to the Venetian. The best part of the ride from the airport to the Strip is that it passes numerous super-cheesy billboards for an array of humorously outdated acts, providing ample opportunity for jokes about Donny and Marie Osmond or seemingly anyone who may have been on TV between 1978 and 1984. Donny and Marie are the easiest though. Apparently, what happened in Vegas (30 years ago), stayed in Vegas (and plays 5 shows a week at the Flamingo).

It was almost 10:30 when I finally got to the Sands Expo, seemingly located within the bowels of the still-impressive Venetian Hotel. Entering the main doors of the Venetian, it takes about 15 minutes of snaking through the noise and lights of the casino floor to get to the show area. Thankfully, there are signs hanging from the ceiling with arrows pointing to various places of interest within the maze. Not so thankfully, they are placed in such a manner that you almost inevitably end up running into a cocktail waitress, drunk guy in a tank top or elderly person holding the equivalent of their next Social Security check in a giant plastic cup of quarters as you are trying to read which way to go. If you are very lucky, you can make it through the labyrinth without being cursed at or assaulted (much) and will hopefully manage to avoid being run over by someone recklessly driving one of the 150cc Rascal Power Chairs that the hotels seem to give out to anyone who asks - regardless of any apparent handicap other than inebriation. You could easily lose an Achilles Tendon or blow an ACL from one of those things.

For the record, later in this very trip I witnessed an old man knock another less-old man all the way to the ground with his Power Chair as he sped down one of the faux-cobbled streets at the Paris Hotel. He hit this poor pedestrian so hard his rear wheels nearly came off the ground and then he just took off like he had merely grazed a curb or something. But even as the victim was cursing and picking himself up off the ground after being struck in a blatant hit-and-run Rascal violation, everyone just kept going about their business like it was totally normal. I wanted to help the guy out but I was eating a $10 crepe and didn't feel like picking up all of the coins that he spilled out of his giant plastic cup after getting drilled. Vegas is freaking crazy.

Anyway, I knew I was in the right place when I saw Tyler Hamilton standing in the hallway outside the main entrance, smiling and pleasant as always. Various other "industry" acquaintances began to appear and suddenly the sloppy, glitzy buzz from the casino dropped down to the slightly less-sloppy, slightly less-glitzy vibe of Interbike. A quick trip to bag-check and the media room for my pass and I was ready to go. Or so I thought.

Immediately outside the showroom doors was a display of Pro bikes from Thor Hushovd and Denis Menchov which halted my progress even before I entered. I'm always curious about how people set up their bikes and Interbike is a cool opportunity to see some race-ridden rigs up close, so I stood there for a few minutes checking out the little details that set these machines apart from most. Then, after admiring Thor's green-highlighted Zipp wheelset for one last time, I showed my media pass to the clearly unimpressed security guard, pulled open the door, and anxiously stepped into the two-wheeled madness of Interbike 2009.

Check back for The Real Interbike - Part Two: The Best Little Bike House In Vegas

Reading Between The Headlines - August Edition

2009-08-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Since the Vuelta a Espana and September have apparently snuck up on us while we weren’t looking, now is probably a good time to clear up a few headline stories that surfaced after the Tour ended last week. Er, I mean last month. Did anyone see where August went? Donde esta August? Anyway…let's look at some events that transpired over the last month.

Tour of Utah – Bikes, Bibles and Ball

“What awful things are written all over that man’s shorts? I can’t bear to look at his ‘area’ long enough to read it. Is that team sponsored by Satan?” – Overheard every single day at the Tour of Utah during Mancebo’s jersey presentation.

So…Paco Mancebo of the Rocky Road Racing biking club won the Tour of Utah and I’m sure the Mormon population could not have been happier to watch him accept the leader’s jersey everyday in his horrible faux-graffiti kit. I guess Rock has enough coin to make 10 different colored kits but can’t manage to get everyone the same kind of helmet or bike. So NOT Pro.

Speaking of which…Michael Ball went to Brigham Young Fashion School, right? You can always tell a good member of the Church of Latter Day Saints by the way they handle interviews like this. This guy is totally solid, I swear.

On the flip side, it was cool to see Alex Howes continue to prove that he has the goods to excel at the next level; even though the old “take a spectator’s hot dog and attack” move is just about the oldest trick in the book. I mean, how many times did we see Anquetil, Merckx or LeMond take the old “hot dog hand up” and go on to destroy the competition? I thought everyone knew that trick by now and was amazed the field fell for it yet again during the Tour of Utah. Suckers.

Alejandro Valverde vs. Tom Danielson vs. Logic and Reason at the Tour de Burgos

In yet another case of horrible, never-ending frustration courtesy of Operacion Puerto and the UCI, some cheesy Spanish guy who has been banned from racing in Italy (but is somehow still able to compete everywhere else?) managed to dislodge Tom Danielson of Garmin-Slipstream from the lead of the Tour de Burgos on the final stage. And critical fans of the sport took yet another carbon fiber-toed kick to our collective chamois.

Sadly, professional cycling is never going to get rid of its soiled reputation as long as there are regional bans and shady guys like Valverde and DiLuca who keep managing to slip through the net time and time again, only to be proven guilty in the long run. One can only assume that Valv.Piti will be banned by the UCI eventually and the fact that he can still influence races and even challenge for a Grand Tour is absolutely maddening. I rarely wish bad things for people, but I wouldn’t mind it too much if Valverde had some bad filet-o-pescado somewhere over the next few weeks in the Vuelta.

Garmin-Slipstream Wins! Gramin-Slipstream Wins!

In less depressing argyle-related news Tyler Farrar is rapidly laying claim to the title of Best Road Sprinter Not Named Mark Cavendish. Having recently won the Vattenfalls Cyclassics and a three-pack of stages in the Eneco Tour, Farrar will hopefully win his first Grand Tour stage somewhere in Spain and solidify his position as the best American sprinter since Davis Phinney.

On a side note, if all goes well Farrar will have completed all three Grand Tours in 2009; which is pretty impressive even if you ignore his handful of podiums and near-misses so far. Adding a stage win would be the icing on the cake of a great year. Great enough that we’ll give him a Mulligan for that weird spider-looking earring.

Texas Invades Colorado, Takes Jersey

Some guy named Lance Something or Other apparently moved to Aspen a few minutes ago and is now winning State Mountain Bike Championships and defiling the record books of historic local events. However, anger over this invasion among the cycling community has been diminished by the presence of a sign on the Texan’s bike that reads: Now Accepting Applications For Employment.

Understanding this, most people can probably look the other way on the Leadville 100 record simply because that event is pretty ridiculous anyway. But to have a guy who is outspokenly Texan come in here and take home the Colorado State Champion jersey is just depressing for everyone outside of your neighborhood Radio Shack. Reports that the Texan has stitched a Lone Star patch on the jersey and coated it in barbecue sauce have not been confirmed.

The only solace we locals can take is in the fact that people recognize the Colorado State Championship as an impressive accomplishment and it would probably be tough to brag to Matthew McConaughey and Ben Stiller about a Texas State Cross Country Championship. I mean, we all know that the only trails down there are on George W. Bush’s ranch and the denim sleeveless jersey they give out to the winner just doesn’t go with yellow at all.

USPRO Championships – Déjà Vu All Over Again, and Again, and Again

USPRO Time Trial Podium: David Zabriskie, Tom Zirbel, Scott Zwizanski, Billy Zabka, Daphne Zuniga, Don Zimmer, Zig Ziglar, ZZ Top, Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is the first time in history that three guys with “Z” names have ever been on a national championship time trial podium together. That is craZy. Seriously, the odds are astronomical. “X” would probably be the only letter with less chance of sweeping the podium.

But the real question is whether or not Zabriskie was able to say, “DZ Nuts” when responding to every question during the post-race press conference. For example:

Journalist: “What propelled you to victory today?”

Zabriskie: “DZ Nuts.”

Journalist: “Who did you think were your biggest competitors before the start?”

Zabriskie: “DZ Nuts.”

Journalist: “What can we expect to see on your National Championship skinsuit?

You get the picture. Hours of fun with that one.

USPRO Road Race Podium: George Hincapie, Andy Bajadali, Jeff Louder

After recovering from a broken collarbone at the Tour, George Hincapie reclaimed the Stars and Stripes jersey for the third time as a professional. After the whole fiasco with Garmin and Astana in France, it is cool to see Melanie’s husband get a little redemption by scoring the USPRO Champs jersey. It would be even cooler to see the Stars and Stripes crossing the line first at the Roubaix velodrome in 2010.

Crazier things have happened. Like having three guys with “Z” names on the TT podium, for instance. You never know.

Bikes, Bloodsport and Black Shoes - You Can't Handle the Truth

2009-08-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sadly, it’s been nearly a month since the Tour de France ended and I still find myself habitually channel surfing over to Versus (aka The Mensa Channel). Most of the time I find enlightening programs that showcase noble endeavors such as a) Kicking and punching human beings inside of a cage, b) Shooting and killing unsuspecting wildlife, or c) Hooking, torturing and possibly killing marine creatures while wearing a trucker hat and speaking with a Southern accent. Good wholesome fun for the entire family.

But on the flip side (I am going to try to start using that phrase more) Versus did just show the Tour of Ireland which was cool and they have been kind enough to broadcast the Track & Field World Championships as well as daily re-runs of Bloodsport. Opportunities to view any of these spectacles are always appreciated. Especially Bloodsport.

We will get to the Tour de France and some other topics shortly but in the meantime, I must confess that Bloodsport remains one of my favorite films. It may not be a cinematic masterpiece but it is highly re-watchable and actually gets funnier every time I see it. The fact that Forest Whitaker was a supporting actor to Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport and went on to win an Oscar for playing Idi Amin always blows me away. Do you think JCVD called him when he won Best Actor? Did Chong-Li need to wear a Bro or a Manssiere? Why did JCVD have a perm in the beginning of the movie? Were we really supposed to believe that Jean-Claude Van Damme was in the U.S. Army? Was it a Belgian Army exchange program or something? And whatever happened to the blonde reporter that JCVD hooked up with? So many questions…

During one of my last viewings I also couldn’t help but notice how much the musical score of the training scene in Bloodsport sounds like the beginning of “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits. It’s crazy. I kept waiting for Mark Knopfler to bust in on the guitar as Jean-Claude Van Damme was having his legs ripped off on Shidoshi’s torture rope machine. Since when does being able to do the splits confirm that you are ready to fight in the Kumite? It’s like the producers just asked JCVD what kind of weird things he could do and wrote “can do the splits on chairs and stuff” into the script. Perhaps they overestimated his “can fight as if temporarily blinded” skills though. That final fight scene has not aged well.

For the record, I know it’s strange that I cannot stand watching real-life fighting, hunting or fishing on television yet three of my favorite movies are Bloodsport, Predator and Jaws. Go figure. I guess I just prefer my death and violence in fictional form – and apparently starring heavily accented European men. Or Richard Dreyfuss.

Anyway, it seems like enough time has passed that we can now look back on the Tour de France and determine what really went down in the Grand Boucle. For instance…

Code Red aka Garmin-gate aka You Can’t Handle The Truth

Sticking with the movie theme for a moment, I am happy to say that I am re-writing the screenplay to A Few Good Men but will be changing the venue from the Marine Corps to the Tour de France. Please keep in mind that this is a work in progress as there is still some confusion about the actual events. As it stands now, the popular character choices are as follows:

Pfc. William Santiago (the guy who had the Code Red ordered on him) will be played by George Hincapie.

Lance Cpl. Harold Dawson (the guy who was ordered to execute the Code Red order) will be played by David Zabriskie.

Pfc. Louden Downey (the other guy who followed the Code Red order) will be played by Danny Pate.

Lt. Jonathan Kendrick (the guy who passed Dawson the Code Red order) will be played by Matt White.

Lt. Col. Matthew Markinson (the guy who wanted Santiago transferred) will be played Jonathan Vaughters.

Col. Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson, the guy who ordered the Code Red) will be played by Matt Johnson.

It remains to be seen what actually happened on the road during Stage 14 so the actors could change but this seems about right from the evidence out there now. I still can’t figure out how Tom Cruise and Demi Moore fit in there though. And I should definitely try to get Melanie Hincapie involved somehow…

Cruel Shoes aka Black Shoe Sheep aka Weekend Warriors

Okay, can we all just come to an agreement that black cycling shoes have no place in the Tour de France anymore? Unless I am mistaken, there were only three riders in the 2009 Tour who regularly wear black shoes: Yaroslav Popovych, David Millar and Lance Armstrong. I see tons of black cycling shoes (often accompanied by neon jerseys and helmet mirrors) on the roads of Boulder every weekend but they just seem awkward in the European pro peloton these days.

Armstrong wears black socks all the time, which makes it seem like he’s wearing thermal booties but at least it looks consistent. Millar seems to go back and forth with his socks but the black shoes certainly make him look British (if that makes any sense). And Popo almost always goes with the white sock/black shoe combo, perhaps as an homage to the old Russian national teams…or Cosmo Kramer.

Regardless, after watching roughly 500 hours of Tour coverage during July I realized that, with the exception of the aforementioned cases, there were only white, silver/grey, red and yellow shoes in the event this year. Understanding that Mavic is responsible for all of the yellow ones, this truly makes Popovych, Millar and Armstrong black sheep. Come on guys, it’s 2009…let’s get with the program.

It’s funny that 99% of Europeans always wear black casual shoes but white cycling shoes are pretty much the ultimate Euro statement. I’m also curious how black cycling and soccer shoes gradually gave way to the rainbow of colors we see on the road and pitch today. They must have had the technology to make different colors for a while so there had to have been some influential athletes who made them acceptable to wear for the rest of the public. Kind of like Michael Jordan rocking baggy shorts or making it cool for balding guys to shave their heads.

Looking back, I recall white shoes becoming popular in the late 1980’s when Andy Hampsten won the Giro in his white Lakes and then Delgado led the way for Time to outfit entire teams with their sweet looking white, grey and red kicks. I still think the second-generation Time model was probably the coolest looking cycling shoe ever. Or should I say…of all Time.

Sorry…I will recount more of the 2009 Tour someTime. I need to go to Time out.

TdF 2009 - Green is for the Money. Gold is for the Honeys.

2009-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

After winning his fourth stage of the 2009 Tour de France and reclaiming the Green Jersey in the Points Classification, Columbia-HTC rider Mark Cavendish has announced that he would like to be known as “Bishop Magic Mark” from this point on.

During the press conference following Stage 11, the sprinter from the Isle of Man asked the media to address him by the new title and name at all times. He then paused and conceded that it would also be acceptable to simply call him “Bishop” if you are “really in a hurry.”

Most in attendance seemed unsure of what to make of the statement at first but after a few minutes, a curious journalist slowly began to ask some questions regarding the origin of his newfound personality.

“My new name and title are all because of the one and only Archbishop Don Magic Juan, a man without whom I could not have pimped all these stages and raised my game to level of a true player,” Cavendish stated matter-of-factly to the confused crowd.

Following a few seconds of awkward silence while he adjusted his green glasses, green hat, green kit and green shoes, he continued to explain.

“After my disappointment at the Olympics last year and missing out on the Green Jersey because of it, I was searching for guidance. I needed a life coach and a spiritual advisor. But most importantly, I wanted someone who could understand just how much I like the color green. Obviously, it didn’t take a genius to realize that Archbishop Don Magic Juan was the best person to educate me on the true nature of the game.”

The brave journalist then asked who Archbishop Don Magic Juan was and quickly received an angry glare from the Columbia-THC rider. Taking a step back from the podium, Cavendish took a long drink of Cristal’s new recovery drink from his jewel-encrusted water bottle and composed himself before responding.

“Look…we all know that pimpin’ ain’t easy, and neither is sprinting in the Tour de France. But ever since Rolf Aldag and Bob Stapleton started making us listen to their hip-hop mixes with lots of Big Daddy Kane and Ice-T songs on the bus, I figured that pimpin’ was probably harder. So naturally, I went to see the Archbishop Don Magic Juan at the Player’s Ball and the rest is history.”

“You see, most people don’t know that Archbishop Don Magic Juan is actually a huge cycling fan and a really good rider. He’s got a super-fly custom-made Eddy Merckx that is actually covered in emeralds and gold. He and Eddy have been friends since the 60’s. And we all know how that worked out for the Cannibal…and he didn’t even take the full nickname,” explained the rider formerly known as the Manx Missile and Cav.

“So basically, since he’s the Archbishop that means that I have to stick with just Bishop for now. Even though a lot of people mistakenly call him Bishop and not the more accurate Archbishop, I recognize that I still have a lot to learn about how to keep my pimp hand strong and make sure the player haters don’t salt my game. I am not worthy of the Archbishop status and my name is not Don, so I couldn't use that either. But both of us are still Magic though, for the record.”

The room of journalists still seemed somewhat confused as another reporter stood up and asked about the most valuable lesson Cavendish had learned from Archbishop Don Magic Juan.

“That’s easy,” exclaimed the leader of the Tour de France Points Classification with a laugh, clearly showing his newly acquired grill of gold teeth and pointing to his completely green outfit.

“Green is for the money! Gold is for the honeys!”

He then put his hands in the air, dropped the podium microphone to the ground with a thud that echoed through the silent press room and proceeded to walk off the stage without another word.

Tour Def Rants - Week 1

2009-07-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

Is it just me…or is Astana kind of like Def Jam Records? Think about it, they’ve got Johan Bruyneel as the mastermind of the organization, just like a Belgian Russell Simmons. Then there’s Ekimov dropping the science like Rick Rubin, only in the team car instead of an NYU dorm room.

Obviously, Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador are like Run-DMC and the Beastie Boys; two contrasting styles battling for the top step while operating on the same team/label and vying for the favor of Johan Simmons/Russell Bruyneel.

Like the Beasties in their younger days, Alberto is a bit rebellious and prone to bursts of immaturity at this point in his career but you can tell that there is some deep talent that will likely age gracefully and successfully. I’m not sure if Contador will end up organizing Tibetan relief bike races or marrying Diane Court from Say Anything…but again, like the Beasties, this guy can pretty much do whatever he wants so you never know.

“You gotta fight, for your right to the Yellow Jersey.”

Then there is Lance as Run-DMC, a lock for the Hall of Fame but still tries maybe a bit too hard to play the tough guy. But despite the hardcore image, they also both effectively catapulted their genre/sport into the mainstream U.S. consciousness. Interestingly, Run-DMC had the help of Adidas and Aerosmith, whereas LA got his name out there by associations with Nike and Sheryl Crow. Coincidence?

“Now me and my Nikes do the illest things, we like to stomp out pimps with diamond rings.”

Next up you’ve got Levi Leipheimer, who is clearly LL Cool J, right? I mean, the physical similarities are obvious enough but replace the “J” with “Heimer” and they may as well be twins. I don’t know if Levi will carve out an acting career that includes WB sitcoms and movies like Rollerball…but I can see him listening to “I Need Love” as he reads all of the predictions about LA and Contador.

“When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall, and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call.”

I can’t decide if Kloden is more like EPMD or Slick Rick. Both were pretty solid but a little inconsistent and plagued by some external drama. I guess it all depends on the final verdict in his doping case. If he ends up getting caught out, he’ll definitely be more like Slick Rick. Or the Public Enemy of Germany.

“Flava Kloden got problems of his own.”

Okay, I think we’ve worn that one out enough so let’s look at some fun Tour de France nicknames that riders would have if they were rappers or a band:

Bradley Wiggins – Wiggie Smalls

Fabian Cancellara – Swissy Elliot

Mark Cavendish and Columbia-THC – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Sprint Train

Cadel Evans – No Faith Evans

Luis Leon Sanchez – Kings of Leon Sanchez

Frank and Andy Schleck – Schlecks-n-Effect

Thor Hushovd – Bjork ?

Sorry Thor, I couldn’t think of anything good there. We’ll see if we can come up with something better by Paris.

As a final note on the Tour so far (you know…because the repetition of media coverage and the fact that the race has really only just begun) it should be noted that Alberto Contador is kind of beginning to remind me of Norman Bates from Psycho. There is a little bit of a physical resemblance but it’s mainly just the sense that there is some serious stuff bubbling under the schoolboy façade.

In fact, I have likened his climbing style to that of a “crazed spider monkey” in the past, but perhaps he is a little more like Norman at the Bates Motel. Ideally, his seething internal aggression and psychotic desire to slaughter people will make for some good racing...and no unfortunate accidents in the shower.

He’s not rooming with his Mother, is he?

“Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est?" ("What is it?") – Talking Heads

I don't know what it is yet...but it should be an interesting road to Paris.

For the Record

2009-07-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

Pre-Tour de France Predictions:

Stage 1 - A. Contador or Jens Voigt

G.C. - (1) A. Contador, (2) C. Sastre, (3) L. Leipheimer

Mountains - A. Schleck

Points - M. Cavendish

TV Watching - Me

Soul Stiffness

2009-06-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Soul: the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life. It is an abstract immaterial property of being.

Stiffness: the resistance of an elastic body to deformation by an applied force. It is an extensive material property of being.

Please Go Here For The New-Look Mumbo Jumbo on Bikes, Life, Culture and General Whatnot:

www.stiffsoul.blogspot.com

There will be more. Yes, there will be more.

A Tale of Two Clavicles - Part One

2009-03-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

Doctor Van Nostrand (I have absolutely no idea what his name really was) said it probably wasn’t the truck that broke my collarbones. No, they were actually snapped by the force of getting slammed into the pavement from atop my bicycle after getting hit. My left knee and calf took the brunt of the initial impact so the Chevy Suburban was really only responsible for the first part. The ground took care of the rest.

By making an on-coming left turn directly into my path, the Mother (who had two children in the backseat) left me with two unpleasant choices:

1) Brake and slam into the right side of the vehicle at about 27mph.

2) Accelerate in front of her and hopefully just get clipped from the left.

Clearly, neither of the above decisions lend themselves to positive outcomes but the latter also entertains the very real possibility of getting run over. Which is pretty much the last thing you want. Especially by a Chevy Suburban.

Regardless, I chose the higher Risk/Reward option. It sounds cliché but time nearly came to a standstill before the impact. It was literally like a movie or one of those car commercials where everything slows down right before the BANG!!

The scene took place in late afternoon on the day before Thanksgiving in 1989 as I was heading back down E. Blithedale from a great ride up on Mt. Tam. Anxious to get home and have dinner, I was making good time and very nearly keeping pace with traffic on the slight descent toward Boyle Park. Then, just up the road from the tennis courts, everything shifted into super-slow motion as I instantly realized that some very, very bad things were about to take place and there was nothing I could do about it. Dinner was probably going to have to wait.

At first I thought I could accelerate enough to get by cleanly but the Mother got across pretty quick and hit me nearly dead center with her license plate. The bumper connected about mid-shin and the outside of my left knee actually broke a hole in the grill. Then physics took over and the entire right side of my body became one with the intersection of East Blithedale and Walnut, distributing hundreds of pounds of force into the unforgiving pavement. I guess my jersey and shorts provided some cushioning but basically just disintegrated into my skin along with the gravel and grime from Walnut Avenue.

Needless to say, my spindly little 14 year-old clavicles could not possibly withstand this sequence of events and instantly snapped in half on both sides. Amazingly, I got right back on my feet and began hopping up and down in the street as if I had stubbed my toe, trying desperately to comprehend what had just happened. It did not take long to realize that there had been some pretty hefty damage but at first I thought my right wrist and left knee were the worst off. As the adrenaline began to fade, it seemed like every part of my body hurt.

Finally sitting down in the grass in front of the hair salon on the corner, it became clear that there was more wrong with me than I could accurately diagnose. The big lump in my right collarbone was disconcerting, as was the blood gushing from my left leg and right arm.

At least a half dozen people either witnessed or heard the accident and soon there were ladies from the hair salon and other random gawkers milling around asking me if I was okay. I do not recall my exact response but I’m pretty sure it involved an expletive and the word “Ambulance.”

To Be Continued…

AToC Stage 8 - Running Diary vs VS

2009-02-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

Hey Race Fans. Since most of you are probably going through a similar bit of post-AToC depression, please enjoy the following running diary from the VS coverage of Stage 8 from Rancho Bernardo to Escondido. This may be a bit free form and not exactly tense-specific in any way, so bear with me if I jump around a bit. I was traveling on Sunday and have read race reports but haven’t actually seen the coverage of this stage. Here we go:

- The shirts that Columbia made for the crew at VS are pretty lame. I know they make some good gear but don’t really understand why they put the TV guys in fishing shirts. Are those denim? Yeesh.

- What is the Over/Under on how many throat lozenges have been consumed by Liggett, Sherwen and Hummer this past week? With the way the veins were popping out of their necks during the pre-race chit-chat, you’d think these guys would be mute by now. I guess that’s what separates the Pros.

- Okay, Cozza and J-Mac go off immediately. Between Frischkorn and Cozza, I think I’ve seen Garmin do this 50 times in the last couple of years. The flag drop attack is not exactly the best way to win but it sure gets things moving. Not sure how many friends it wins you though.

- Good break with J-Mac, BJM, A-Schleck, Barredo and a few others. My favorite thing so far – Phil calling Barredo “Burrito.” Awesome. I still think about Barredo’s histrionics after getting dominated by Burghardt in the Tour last year. And I laugh and laugh.

- Bob Roll interviews VDV: Christian is actually a pretty funny guy and it’s good to see him being more relaxed and casual with the media. Although I guess it is probably easier to be mellow when you’re being interviewed by Bobke. Bad news about Svein dropping out, hopefully he will recover well and handle the Euro spring without any nagging injuries. Meatball is totally getting some face time behind VDV. Good job Mike. Hope you can parlay that into some action with the ladies.

- Commercials: Ugh, I really dislike the repetitive and feeble commercials during this coverage. What I do think is funny though, is this whole Uriah Faber WEC deal. The only reason I know this dudes name is because I have seen him fight a few times right before VS covers a bike race. He’s from NorCal, pretty much kills everyone in like 15 seconds and is actually the first cage fighter that I had seen with a TV commercial for some energy drink. But then the very next commercial is for the WEC coverage on VS and shows multiple angles of him getting absolutely cold-cocked and losing his title. Oops. Bad timing on that one Uriah. I still get a little sick every time I see that knockout. He looked like Mancebo in Stage 6.

- Bob Roll interviews Levi: I’m not sure but…I think LL may have hit the bong in the bus during the pre-race meeting/clam-bake. I have NEVER seen such a mellow, happy and glazed look on this guy before. Perhaps he really is NorCal to the core. Does he live in Santa Rosa or Humboldt? Jokes about crashing, Band of Brothers comments, glasses askew, perma-smile on the face, maybe growing a soul-patch…what flavor was that energy bar/brownie? Afternoon Delight?

- Mt. Palomar: This is a pretty wicked climb and it is not being made any easier by the presence of hundreds of idiots running alongside the riders. A dork with no peripheral vision in a beer bottle outfit, knobs in Speedo’s and helmets and just plain morons who want to get on TV were all out if full force on Palomar. I am embarrassed that these Donkey’s are out on the road and absolutely dread the time when one of them causes an accident. David Zabriskie was the only rider who I have heard mention how stupid some of the “runners” were and how sketchy they seemed as they fell down and tripped over each other up the mountain.

Here’s the thing – I’m a lover not a fighter. But…I swear, it should be totally fine for respectful spectators to “interfere” with all of these Jerks who interfere with the race. You can take that how you want it but a real fan, a real connoisseur of the sport, would not disrespect the racers by trespassing on their field of play. It sickens me that these fools are glorified by the television and photo coverage of the race. They should be arrested. And run over by the race caravan. There, I said it.

After personally watching Overcompensating Antler Boy nearly lobotomize dozens of people as he rode around downtown Solvang and seeing Big Hair and Ass Fan run right across the road in front of the riders on the Ballard Canyon climb – I officially call these fools out. They are giving American fans a bad name and are obviously more concerned with their own “CLOWN CELEBRITY” status than the race itself. For these CLOWNS to actually get suits made up (Antler guy is even so blatantly self-interested that he put a VS logo on his heinous skinsuit…how cheap and cheesy is that?) means that they actually consider themselves part of the race. Hey Dip Stick, YOU’RE NOT PART OF THE RACE!!!! THE RACERS ARE THE RACE!!!! YOU ARE A SELFISH CLOWN…GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!

- Back to the race: It looks like Enrique Gutierrez is back. I know his nickname was “The Buffalo” but being a Colorado alum, that always seemed like a negative association for my beloved mascot. Therefore, I think I will call him “Giro-doper I hardly knew #6.” Tim Johnson marks the move for OUCH and seems to be feeling the form after ending his cyclocross season a bit early to train for the road. The field is stringing out now but still staying together. It seems like they are wary of this climb and probably anticipating some fireworks in the last two or three miles of the grade.

- Still not really sure about the yellow Mavic kicks yet. Cool for cross, maybe not so much on the road. Sorry guys, they make white ones right?

- Has anyone commented on the “DEAD” written across the junk of the Rock Racing kits yet? I know it actually says “ROCKS NOT DEAD” but as Paco Mancebo displayed on Stage 1, it just looks like they have DEAD written on the chamois. That’s kind of harsh.

- Bob Roll interviews Lance: LA is cracking jokes, he really does seem pretty mellow. There is still a very deliberate and focused tone but I have been impressed with how much he seems to be enjoying the experience. Regardless of what you think of the man and his legacy, it’s always pleasant to see people that just like riding and racing their bikes. And Lance certainly seems to fall into that category. Cycling is fun and at the very least, LA is making it seem like an enjoyable and worthwhile endeavor. Nothing wrong with that. Especially if you work for Trek.

- VDV is taking it up a notch on the front of the rapidly dwindling peloton. These cats are not messing around anymore, as VDV seems to be laboring more than he was in the Alps and Pyrenees in July.

- Off goes Oscar Sevilla on what appears to be a ninja-bike. Maybe he’s trying to shed his baby-face image by rocking what appears to be Rick James’ hairdo underneath his helmet but unfortunately, it kind of just makes him look like one of the Mary Jane Girls. Sorry buddy, I’m just trying to help.

- Here comes Floyd with Voigt, Gesink, etc. Arrgh, some idiot just pushed Floyd and it seemed like he just gave up after that. Landis does not seem like the kind of guy that would appreciate that. That is really unfortunate. It would have been rad if Jens got off and went Chuck Norris on that guy. He kind of veered off so I got a little excited that there would be a roundhouse kick involved somehow. No such luck. This time.

- Andy Schleck is working hard in the break but kind of dancing around a little. Now Frank Schleck is going off the front of the peloton with JV, Gesink and Tom Danielson. It could get a little crazy if Saxo-Bank ends up with four guys ahead of the field with Levi isolated. You have to think that Astana is playing it cool since it’s still so early but…Bjarne seems to be applying his patented late-race Hail Mary tactics again.

- In other news: Dave Zabriskie is on LL like it’s nothing. I’ve always thought DZ should be able to climb with the best of them but just hasn’t been able to show it for some reason. Michael Rogers just took a MASSIVE pull to bring the GC guys back to the first chase group. Mick and DZ are looking super strong this year.

- Oh My Goodness. Some guy was just running along holding his infant child out like a musette bag. I really hope he gets arrested for child abuse. That was way worse than Michael Jackson a few years back. I swear, this is the reason I really fear for the future of our planet.

- Good to see Tommy D. in the front group. He’s been pretty visible in Boulder recently and seems to be finding a good comfort zone after a few frustrating years. Hopefully it comes together again for both him and Garmin-Slipstream.

- Jens Voigt presented by Chuck Norris looks like he’s in a prize fight with his new Specialized bicycle. I feel sorry for the carbon fiber when Jens starts rocking and throwing uppercuts with the quadriceps. Now there is some mental defective in green speedos running in front of Voigt. Oh how I wish there could be an official Time Out called for fighting like in hockey. The riders could even take off their gloves and then scrap. Actually, I’ve seen some funny YouTube clips with Bobby J and some other pugilists that may make me reconsider that.

- The main group goes over the summit of Mt. Palomar about a minute or so back. All the necessary names are present.

- Uh Oh, Michael Ball in the House: Humble? Not about being arrogant? A different time now? About business? He still has the Bentley though. I just hope the success in California gets guys like Baldwin and Creed paid for the rest of their contracts.

- The little Rock feature seemed to focus on Tyler more than M. Ball. Hamilton is still very popular and as polite and gracious as ever, signing autographs and posing for photos with fans. He actually seemed to be among the more visible of the “Big” name riders in the event.

- Commercials: Okay, how did I miss the investment potential for pharmaceutical male enhancement products? I could have retired by now if the frequency of advertising is any indication of cash flow. I feel like I need to take a shower after some of those innuendos.

- Apparently Bob Roll is doing product placement pieces now. I’m not sure how the manufacturers got VS to go along with that but okay. I wonder how much those little pieces were worth?

- Glenn Chadwick is off the front again and has really stepped up for this race. He was in the break all day on Stage 5 as well. It seemed like he just kind of fell away from the other guys down Palomar. I know he’s a Kiwi but he must know this descent.

- Paul Sherwen is now explaining how a stage race works. Duh…you mean it’s overall time? Der…what’s the green shirt for? Do they do stuff like that on the European coverage? Or do they just expect that if you’re watching, you pretty much know what is going on? I really hope that little production piece on the basics of a stage race helped some people out. Because I think it made a little bit of my brain explode and it better have been worth it.

- Here is the final climb up Cole Grade. Nibali is drilling it in his Liquigas/Kermit the Frog costume. Oh no, idiot Sumo wrestlers running next to the riders. This is out of hand. And another fool carrying his kid while running alongside the peloton. Since when did that become an option?

- Schleck is really digging now but Nibali is hanging in there as they begin to hit the rollers. Astana is all over the front of the field as Armstrong seems to be regulating the tempo. Chadwick is caught and has a bite to eat as he falls through the group.

- Oh dear. It seems that VS has found some of the old graphics from the Coors Classic in order to demonstrate how drafting works. Nice. I could be wrong, but that looked like a cartoon or something. Did one of the viewers win a contest to get that on TV? Or one of the producers kids? That was amazing. Oh, so that’s why they ride in a line like that?

- Schleck seems to be the stronger of the two and is now gesturing for Nibali to pull through. The Italian takes a sucker pull but at least fakes it on the front for a few seconds. It seems like someone other than Astana would have had to start working to bring Schleck and Nibali back because the Kazakh crew had no reason to reel them both all the way in.

- Hummer just gave a strange shout out Bill Walton. Okay. I remember an old picture of Walton when he was with the Blazers and he had a bike with a foot-long head tube. Seriously, the guy is like 7 feet tall. I think Hummer wants Lakers tickets from Luke.

- The final descent before a finish is always hectic but this one could be fun to watch. Nibali almost nibbled the tailpipe of the moto there for a second. I wonder if Schleck ever thinks about his Superman impression at the Tour de Suisse last year? These guys are flying.

- There is an interesting mix of riders and teams in the front chase group of about 25. In a display of small guy power, Oscar Sevilla and Trent Lowe take pulls ahead of Gutierrez. There just aren’t enough guys from a motivated team in this final group.

- Now it seems like Schleck is sitting on Nibali for the final kilometers. The Luxembourger makes a jump in the final straight and that’s it. Hincapie edges Sutherland for third at 39 seconds back.

- Phew. It’s over. Levi wins again over DZ and Michael Rogers. Done, done and done.

- Apparently there were over 2 million spectators at the Amgen Tour of California. I am happy to say that I was one of them for a few days but must admit that it is certainly much more comfortable from the couch. As always, the VS coverage makes me scratch my head every once in a while but still proves to be the best that we have in the U.S. so I am grateful for its presence.

- Now if we could just do something about those shirts…

AToC Stage 7 - Through Rose Bowl Colored Glasses

2009-02-23T13:10:00.000-08:00

Understanding that the Rose Bowl has played host to events such as the Super Bowl and World Cup, I really didn't think that it would be too crazy at the finish of Stage 7. Needless to say, I was wrong. It wasn't just a little crazy, it was completely Gary Busey-level insane.

In a scene that could be described as somewhat "Lollapalooza-esque" the final five circuits around the Rose Bowl in Pasadena provided a wonderful spectrum of demographic representation not usually seen at bicycle races in North America. The cultural melting pot that is LA was certainly on display and EVERYONE was psyched to be there, even though a number of the spectators didn't really seem to realize that it was a bike race and not a football game.

For those who are familiar with bike racing in the US, it is generally acknowledged that while the sport is comprised of "mostly" open-minded and accepting individuals, it is sadly deficient in terms of socio-economic and cultural diversity. There are certainly many unique examples around the country but for the most part, bike racing has not exactly transcended the boundaries of white-collar spectatorship and participation in the States. Hopefully events like the Amgen Tour of California will help make the sport more representative of our population as a whole.

As for the race itself, the final circuits provided an opportunity to see just how much time a team like Astana can take back on a breakaway over the last 30k. The day-long break, which contained names like Hincapie, Vande Velde, Baldwin, Roulston, Weening and Schleck was likely more concerned with the stage win than gaining time but still, they weren't exactly lolly-gagging. Frank Schleck put in a pretty good solo dig but it ended up being a group of three that got away at the very end with Nocentini barely edging Roulston and a fading Weening. Meanwhile, the Astana crew pulled back about five minutes and kept LL comfortably in the lead.

Although it didn't get much attention, the effort of Horner in particular was impressive as he was suffering from road rash and a nasty bang to the knee but still rotated with Chechu and the rest at 30+ for the final circuits. Similarly, it was inspiring to watch how hard Tom Zirbel, Svein Tuft and Trent Lowe were working behind the field after having crashed earlier in the stage. The three riders throttled themselves through ripped lycra and blood with no hope of catching back on, exemplifying the toughness and stubborness of elite bike racers. I just hope they could hear the crowd support as they finished, since that was likely the only bright spot to their day.

I also hope that the examples of personal character, fortitude and effort on display were appreciated by all the fans in Pasadena. The metaphor of life that is bike racing has the power to transcend most social and cultural barriers and perhaps...the world is a better place due to the sport. Or perhaps I am viewing the world through Rose Bowl colored glasses.

AToC Stage 6 - Levi's Trifecta

2009-02-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

If Solvang, California were a food, it would be a sweet, jelly-filled Danish pastry. If it were a bike race, it would be the Amgen Tour of California. And if I were more creative I would be able to come up with a better way to start this post.

Anyway, I love this freaky little town and think that the TT in Solvang may be the single coolest event in North American bike racing. The day’s temperatures flirted with the mid-70’s and the Califosi (does that count as a new word?) were out in full force, turning the town and beautiful 15 mile course into an virtual amusement park of bike racing goodness.

Having attended the event for the third year now, it is clear that attendance was significantly higher in 2009 than previous editions, to the point that spectators were packed 10 deep along portions of the course and jammed the expo area like sardines. Even along the more remote stretches of road outside of town there was rarely more than a few hundred meters between bunches of people clanging cowbells and cheering the racers.

As for the racing itself, LL Cool Heimer proved that he is the sole owner of this stage and anyone who wants to steal it from him will probably have to take up residence in the Central Coast in order to uncover his secrets on this TT course. David Zabriskie came as close as anyone has to accomplishing the feat but still ended up 8 seconds shy of the three-time winner. Saxo Bank’s big Scandanavian Gustav Larsson took the third step of the podium and continues to prove that he is one to watch in big races against the clock.

Michael Rogers put up a respectable performance but at one point it was announced that his first split was a full two minutes ahead of Zabriskie. Now…for those familiar with bike racing (or physics) it was pretty clear that there was no possible way that any human being could go two minutes faster that DZ over 7.5 miles but that did not stop a number of people from going crazy in the crowd. Thankfully Big Dave Towle came to the rescue and brought some sanity back to the event by stating that Rogers would have to be flirting with the sound barrier in order for the split to be correct. Needless to say, the time check was not right and I politely informed some people standing near me that it’s not really possible to go 40mph for that long. Sorry Mick, not this time.

On a final note, through the much-appreciated goodwill of MissingSaddle and the Jelly Belly team, I was able to accompany Danny Van Haute in the infamous bean-colored Lexus as we followed Stage 5’s Most Courageous rider Matthew Crane along the TT. I will document this experience in greater written and photographic detail shortly but suffice to say, it was pretty rad and I am quite thankful for the hospitality. I first met Van Haute as a 15 year-old junior racer back in the day but I never anticipated kicking it in the car with him during the biggest race in the country. Who knew? Stay tuned for more on that soon.

Stage 7 into Pasadena has the potential to be a bit tricky but I anticipate another bunch finish with Captain Cavman taking yet another scalp ahead of Thor and Tom. Rose Bowl here we come.

AToC Stage 4 & 5 - Captain Cavman

2009-02-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, it is officially “normal” at the Tour of California now. After days of rain, crashes and breakaways the sun has returned and Mark Cavendish is racking up stage wins. With a second victory in as many days Captain Cavman made his boss proud as he took the “hometown” honors just up the road from Bob Stapleton’s house.

While the stage played out basically as expected, a breakaway of six riders did their best to mess up the formula and stayed away for most of the day. Matthew Crane took the Most Courageous jersey back to the Jelly Belly bus for his efforts in the break and got some solid publicity for the Bean Team. As the longest-running sponsor in North American racing, it’s great to see the return on investment for the NorCal company and Director Danny Van Haute.

It was also great to see that there was far less carnage on the roads of California than we have seen over the last few days. After the likes of Kirchen, Freire and Nydam were hauled off in ambulances yesterday, the field stayed more upright in Stage 5 and enjoyed near-perfect conditions for most of the race. It’s been a pretty hectic event for the medical staff up to this point so hopefully Stage 5 bodes well for the remainder of the ToC.

Viewing the finish in person, it was clear that Captain Cavman and his Columbia crew were not going to be denied. What was not clear upon viewing a replay of the finale, was whether MC the Hammer was pointing to the team logos on his kit…or well…something else as he crossed the finish line. Maybe his arms were tired or something but all I know is that the hands were pointing pretty low in relation to the Columbia-High Road logos. Not sure about gesturing at your junk for a post-up victory salute but I guess when you win as much as the Teen Wolf of bike racing, you can assume a little creative license.

Again, despite the weird victory salute, team owner Bob Stapleton was very pleased after the race. I had a chance to chat briefly with The Man as we walked to the press conference and the moral of the story is that he is quite possibly the coolest owner in all of professional sports. As evidence of this, he actually held Cavendish’s bike and stayed for the duration of the comments almost sheepishly in the back of the room, graciously accepting congratulations and deflecting praise upon his team.

This may not seem like a big deal at first but can you imagine the owner of an MLB team shagging fly balls or assisting the players in any way other than signing their checks? But Stapleton really seems to care about his riders and never seems to come off like a multi-millionaire owner of a professional sport team. I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with him on a number of occasions now and he is always exceedingly polite and friendly. So much so that I am almost willing to forgive him for going with the white shorts this year. Almost.

Anyway, now we head to Solvang where the forecast predicts 72 degrees and plenty of sunshine. The conditions will be perfect for Levi to keep his unblemished record on the spectacular course through the Santa Ynez valley and virtually lock up the overall. And again, tasty Danish pastries will be consumed by yours truly. I can’t wait.

AToC Stage 3 - Sprinting 101

2009-02-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

Just in case anyone was wondering how to lead-out a sprint in bike racing, take a look at the tape of the Cervelo Test Team in the finale of Stage 3 in Modesto. After making a late catch of the day's breakaway remnants, the field basically just had to watch as an English-speaking chariot delivered Thor to Valhalla...uh, I mean Modesto.

After a valiant effort by Jeff Louder to stay away after spending all day in the break, Cervelo took over about 1k out and just crushed it with Roulston, Rollin and Lancaster. They actually controlled the finish to the point that Hushovd basically made a little jump at 150 meters and coasted easily across the line.

After not being sure that Cervelo was even in the race up to this point, it was nice to see the new team show the Pro Tour kids how to do it. In retrospect, I'm disappointed that I didn't fully appreciate the lead-out speed and size of Roulston, Rollin and Lancaster before witnessing it in Stage 3. With the God of Thunder in the caboose behind them, it's safe to say that not many people are going to be coming around those dudes.

It was interesting to note that Cavendish got caught up a little bit with Fast Freddie in the finish and never really contested the sprint. After having words with Cipollini last year, it may be safe to say that the Teen Wolf of Man will not be palling around with the Rock Racing crew at the afterparty.

Stage 4 from Merced to Clovis has the potential to be either epic and heinous or epic and spectacular. Either way it's going to be tough and the final descent off of Crane Valley Road is making me cold just thinking about it. If a small group gets away over the last climb, there will probably be too much real estate to cover before the finish but there is also a strong possibility that if some riders way down on GC get a couple minutes over the top it may not be worth it for the peloton to take risks on the final descent and run into Clovis. Look for a group of random European guys and a few young Americans to get away early before George Hincapie avenges his teammate and takes the sprint out of a group of about 30 riders.

AToC Stage 2 - Bridgeway to the Boardwalk

2009-02-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

It's not often that the biggest bike race in the country traces a portion of one's commute to work. Consequently, it's not often that one can watch the best professionals in the world make the hardest part of your daily ride look like, well...an easy neutral zone warm-up. Thousands of Bay Area cyclists are probably thinking similar thoughts of inferiority as I write this.

While it's been a number of years since I last spun down Bridgeway in Sausalito and made the jump up to and across the Golden Gate Bridge on a cold and drizzly Monday morning, it all seemed pretty familiar as the peloton took the scenic route into San Francisco to begin Stage 2. At $6 toll fee per rider and car (uhh, probably not) it must have been a pretty hefty tab so I hope the pictures were worth it. Although come to think of it, I would easily pay $6 in order to not have to yell at all the tourists standing in the middle of the bike paths on the bridge. It's usually so loud and windy that they can't hear you and you narrowly avoid drilling them anyway so I hope the NorCal guys in the group tried to express how much of a priviledge it was to take the road. Good job Caltrans.

After a nice little scamper through Sea Cliff (one of the nicest neighborhoods ever) and up past the 17th hole of Lincoln Park (one of the most scenic par 3's ever) to the Legion of Honor (one of the coolest art museums ever), the group dropped down into the Ocean Beach area of The City. The course then passed the Zoo and Olympic Club (one of the best golf clubs ever), up through the outskirts of Daly City and down into Pacifica where the field then traveled by the BEST TACO BELL IN THE WORLD. No parentheses needed for that one.

I can't tell you what the food tastes like but for those who are not familiar with this place, it sits right on Pacifica State Beach and has this great view of the shoreline, surf and surrounding cliffs. I've passed this Taco Bell a thousand times and have only stopped on a few occasions but take my word for it...if you're ever in the mood for a Chalupa and want a nice view...this is your place. We always joked that the drive-thru was regular price but it was probably like $30 per entree in the Taco Bell dining room because of the view.

Anyway, a good sized break containing local-boy-done-good Ben Jacques-Mayniac got a few minutes up the road and took the lead all the way to the final climb of Bonny Doon. It was at this point that Levi Leipheimer began levitating up the climb and turned a 3 minute lead into a cruel joke. Carlos Barredo thought he was good for a minute or two but was then caught by Tom Peterson and Jason McCartney near the top of the climb.

The two Americans began pulling away from the Spaniard when a 5'7" yellow and teal clad motorcycle came charging up from behind at what seemed to be about 20mph. Peterson managed to hang on to the Levi Express into Santa Cruz and easily came around for a good, albeit somewhat "conditional" win. The young Garmin rider is certainly worthy of the publicity though, as he is among the best of the upcoming American stage racers and clearly a name to watch in the future.

Another small-ish group came in a bit later, carrying most of the contenders except an obviously tired Francisco Mancebo, who relinquished the leader's jersey to the hyper-motivated Leipheimer. All politics and yada, yada aside, I feel a bit bad for the Rock guys who busted themselves all day long in the rain and wind, only to have Paco get dumped immediately on the last climb of the day. I saw Baldwin on the front for what seemed like hours on end as the field slogged down Highway 1. The team did everything they needed to do but it was a lot to ask for Mancebo to come back with a good day after his effort on Stage 1.

So now Levi Leipheimer and Astana have the lead and about half of the Top 10 in the general classification. It's going to be uber-hard for anyone to beat LL and his posse but there is a long way to go before we get to Escondido. Hopefully the sunshine at the finish in Santa Cruz is an indication that things will be clearing up. If not, it will be a rough wake-up call as the field hits Sierra Road almost immediately after the start of Stage 3 in San Jose on Tuesday.

Look for the first field sprint finish in Modesto (still the worst host city ever) with Cavendish getting the better of Boonen and perhaps Haedo or Hushovd. It would be great to see an American sprinter get in the mix so hopefully Huff, Farrar, O'Bee or even good old local boy Fast Freddie Rodriguez rubs some elbows and represents on home turf. But if Caviar-dish is within sniffing distance of the front, chances are he will get the redemption from the relegation in 2008 and coast to a 3 bike-length victory. I just hope it's dry and everyone stays upright. Send good thoughts to AJM.

AToC, Stage 1 Recap - What Just Happened?

2009-02-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

So…as many of us familiar with February in NorCal had feared since the race was first announced five years ago, the rain and weather have been less than pleasant. I know bike racers are tough but there must have been a lot of complaining going on between Davis and Santa Rosa.

Apparently, Chris Horner was the only rider to renew his MENSA membership and realized that Paco Mancebo was in danger of riding away with the entire race on the first road stage. Summoning the troops with sketchy time splits. Astana began to pull back the deficit with the confused help of a small but strong group, coming into the circuits of downtown Santa Rosa a little over a minute behind the solo Rocker.

Here’s where it gets really strange. Apparently the brain trust at the AToC decided to neutralize all of the finishing circuits and count final times upon the first finish line crossing. It’s difficult to say who actually knew of this decision out on the road but it is certain that this info was not provided to the media during coverage of the finale. So instead of a ferocious chase, we ended up watching the group almost soft-pedal around while Mancebo slaughtered himself off the front. Seeing the chase group go from a long line to a slightly bunched up training ride was confusing at best for those watching.

Here is a sampling of my confusion:

“Why the hell aren’t they chasing?” “Come on, you pulled for 50 miles to get him back, why give up now?” “Do they really want to let Mancebo have over a minute?” “Why isn’t anyone else working to pull him back?”

Well, it turns out that there was really no need to do any more work once they got onto the circuits since the course was neutralized. What was even crazier though, was that Vincenzo Nibali and Jurgen Van de Walle then took off and easily bridged up to Mancebo, seemingly putting themselves in excellent position for both the stage and the overall.

Here is another sample of choice comments:

“What the hell are they doing?” “If it was that easy for two solo guys to bridge, you’re telling me they couldn’t have pulled hard for another lap and caught everyone?” “You’re just going to sit there and give a minute plus to Mancebo and Nibali?” “Does anyone from the US want to win this race?”

Ultimately, both Van de Walle and Nibali got jobbed because not only did Mancebo end up taking the sprint for the stage, the officials ended up giving them the same time as the first chase group that finished over a minute down because of the neutral circuit judgment. Wait…what? Yeah…I know, try explaining that one to them after 4+ hours in the cold rain.

Anyway, it remains to be seen just how strong Mancebo and Rock Racing are so the race is surely not over. It will be a wild one now for sure. Hopefully Stage 2 from Sausalito to Santa Cruz will be a little clearer – both in weather and official race functions. And hopefully BJM or one of the other NorCal kids can represent and then go get some cotton candy at the Boardwalk.

AToC - Prologue Recap and Stage 1 Preview - Davis (Phinney) to Santa (Maglia) Rosa

2009-02-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

The 2009 Amgen Tour of California has officially begun and looks strikingly similar to last year. Fabian Cancellara continues to perform the best Motorcycle impersonation, Levi Leipheimer shows that he is firing and Slipstream narrowly misses another win. Yup, pretty much like 2008.

Although, after viewing the recorded VS coverage I did find some other interesting things to note. For example, did you know that Lance Armstrong had cancer and came back to win the Tour de France? I was not aware of that. It's a good thing the VS producers dusted off that video they made in 2000 and got me up to speed.

I'm all for fighting for a good cause and referencing a truly remarkable comeback tale but seriously, does ANYONE not know this story by now? Instead of running old footage that everyone in the English-speaking world has seen, it would have been very nice to have perhaps seen some of his recent work with the Trek-Livestrong U-23 Team or something that speaks to his current position and the future of the sport.

While it was unfortunate that most of the coverage was rehashed from the Tour of California Preview show the week before, there was some interesting new material. For example, the clip on Mark Cavendish was interesting, even though you couldn't really hear him over the Gaelic festival music blasting over the dialogue. I'm still not sure if he lives in a barn on the Isle of Man or not but he apparently likes cereal, has a pretty cool striped bathrobe and an awesome golden retriever.

Anyway, they did end up actually showing some of the racing and it was encouraging to see many of the names in the top 25 - shown below:

1 Fabian Cancellara (Swi) Team Saxo Bank                                       4.32.9 (50.294 km/h)
2 Levi Leipheimer (USA) Astana                                                 0.01.2
3 David Zabriskie (USA) Garmin - Slipstream                                    0.02.7
4 Michael Rogers (Aus) Team Columbia - Highroad                                0.02.8
5 Thor Hushovd (Nor) Cervélo TestTeam                                          0.03.1
6 George Hincapie (USA) Team Columbia - Highroad                               0.03.4
7 Tom Boonen (Bel) Quick Step                                                    
8 Mark Renshaw (Aus) Team Columbia - Highroad                                  0.04.1
9 Svein Tuft (Can) Garmin - Slipstream                                         0.04.2
10 Lance Armstrong (USA) Astana                                                0.04.3
11 Mark Cavendish (GBr) Team Columbia - Highroad                               0.04.9
12 Tom Zirbel (USA) Bissell Pro Cycling                                        0.05.0
13 Ben Jacques-Maynes (USA) Bissell Pro Cycling                                0.05.6
14 Tyler Farrar (USA) Garmin - Slipstream                                      0.06.5
15 Charles Bradley Huff (USA) Jelly Belly Cycling Team                         0.07.2
16 Oscar Freire (Spa) Rabobank                                                 0.07.4
17 Hayden Roulston (NZl) Cervélo TestTeam                                      0.07.6
18 John Murphy (USA) OUCH Presented By Maxxis                                  0.07.9
19 Peter Latham (NZl) Bissell Pro Cycling                                      0.08.2
20 Christopher Horner (USA) Astana                                             0.08.5
21 Jeremy Vennell (NZl) Bissell Pro Cycling                                      
22 Christian Vande Velde (USA) Garmin - Slipstream                             0.08.7
23 Andy Jacques-Maynes (USA) Bissell Pro Cycling                               0.09.4
24 Dominique Rollin (Can) Cervélo TestTeam                                     0.10.0
25 Juan José Haedo (Arg) Team Saxo Bank                                        0.10.5

In addition to having 14 North Americans in the mix, it is especially cool to see the prominence of riders like Tuft, Zirbel, BJM and Huff (even though Hummer called him "Charlie") who continue to show that our domestic racing scene is bursting with world-class talent. The fact that I also predicted all of these guys to do well need not be mentioned. Oops, too late.

Stage 1 from Davis to Santa Rosa has the potential to be a really wild one. If the weather is nasty, I could see the race breaking up on Howell Mountain and then completely fanning out all the way to the finish. The only hope for a big sprint is if the field comes back together crossing Napa Valley before they get to the final short climb up Petrified Forest Rd.

The chances of someone local like Steven Cozza or Scott Nydam trying to get away early is pretty high but I think that there are enough big name sprinters like Boonen, Cavendish, Hushovd, Haedo and Freire to bring everything back in Napa or at the last minute in Santa Rosa. In this case, I actually see Freire coming through and taking his first Tour of California victory. I was a little surprised by his prologue time but he's been quiet lately and always wins something of note. This could be a good stage for him - kind of Milan Sanremo-esque with the final sharp climb and finish.

I've ridden most of this course and just really hope the conditions are decent and nobody comes to grief on the potentially treacherous roads. Twisty, wooded roads + Botts Dots + First big race + High motivation = DANGER. The finish has been a little tricky in Santa Rosa lately as well, as evidenced by the addition of "The Levi Rule" into the cycling lexicon. Hopefully everyone stays upright.

The California Lottery - Predictions

2009-02-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest. Although the Amgen Tour of California field is bursting with big name riders, there really are only a handful of legitimate contenders who make the event a top priority. But as Jacques Anquetil said, "There are no races. Only lotteries."

Considering this and the fact that weather may play a significant role in the event, it would not be surprising to see just about any one of 25 or 30 riders take the jersey into Escondido next Sunday. For the most part, the pre-race favorites will work their way to the top of the leaderboard but this could be the year that a big break stays away and gives a handful of dangerous guys a sizable cushion on the rest of the field.

Obviously we know the main protagonists - Levi, Floyd, VDV, Hincapie, Armstrong, Cancellara, Basso, Zabriskie, Hamilton, Sastre, yada, yada, yada. The odds are that one of these guys will win and out of this group, I would actually put my money on Hincapie...if gambling were legal. I just feel like George could scratch together enough seconds throughout the course of the week to hold off Levi and Floyd in the TT and Mt. Palomar. But LL and Flandis will not be easily denied.

However, for some reason my gut tells me that it will be one of the "Lieutenants" who gets in a break on a nasty weather stage (perhaps into Santa Rosa, Clovis or Paso Robles) then has a solid TT and doesn't get dropped on the climbs. In this case, I could envision probably 25 guys who may be capable of defending a 2-4 minute lead on the pre-race favorites.

Of these riders, I would personally like to see someone like Svein Tuft, Chris Baldwin or Ben Jacques-Maynes take the win. I could also see Jens Voigt, Stuart O'Grady, Michael Rogers or Rory Sutherland having the goods. But if I were a gambling man, I would put a couple bones on one Christopher Horner. It's been a while since C-Ho took a big W on American soil and it would not be surprising to me if we saw Astana riding for the "other" Yankee on the squad after he sniffs out the right move.

Oh...and I'm going to go WAY out on a limb and predict that some British guy named Cavendish will win a sprint or two. But while I'm out here, I'm thinking that there will be a few surprise stage winners in the AToC this year as well. Similar to Dominique Rollin's breakout victory in heinous conditions last year, the 2009 edition may present a great opportunity for another North American rider from a domestic team to tough out a career-defining win. Look for someone like Brad Huff, Tim Johnson, Steven Cozza or Tom Zirbel representing the USA to the fullest with a gritty stage win.

I will make stage predictions as the race goes on but my pick for the prologue is Thor Hushovd. I've never met a Norwegian I didn't like and the course and conditions may suit the big man to perfection. Plus, he's riding a Cervelo TT rig now - which can only be a vast improvement over his past machines. That could make the difference in a 3 mile prologue.

So there you have it. I've filled out my ticket...let the lottery begin.

Pre-Cali Ponderings Purge

2009-02-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

Schadenfreude Rage:

Schadenfreude is generally understood as pleasure taken from observing the misery of another. A slightly more detailed definition is the "largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another, which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate."

It should be noted that I was a fan of professional baseball before I even knew what professional cycling was. So, while the recent A-Rod, Tejada and Radomski stories may not have “delighted” me per se, I must admit that it is oddly relieving to have another sport usurp cycling for the top spot on the media’s “Dirty List.” Even if it is the National Pastime.

On a side note regarding the A-Roid Story: Does anyone else think that Madonna is just about the most perfect candidate for HGH use? I’m not usually down with making suggestions like that but have you seen the woman lately? She’s ripped like Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon.

I always thought the relationship between Sean Penn’s 50 year-old ex-wife and the highest-paid player in baseball was an odd one at best. Perhaps not quite as odd as her past with Dennis Rodman (did he introduce her to Kabbalah?) but still pretty strange. It would be naïve however, to think that celebrities from music and film did not rival professional athletics in the widespread use of “performance-enhancing” drugs. The prominent use of HGH in anti-aging clinics is a topic that I have not heard discussed much in music or film, but it could be argued that the physical benefits for those industries equal or outweigh the results gained in pro sports.

“Gotta drop 25lbs and get muscled-up for that next super-hero flick? In three months? Okay, I think we can find something to help.” “Need to get smooth, toned and tight for that romantic-comedy with the younger guy? “You may want to try this…”

Who knows? I’m just saying…but I should probably get back to the cycling stuff.

Somewhere Phil Liggett Is Having Nightmares:

There was a break in the fourth stage of the Tour of Qatar that consisted of what may be the most tongue-twisting group of names that I can recall. With the exception of the exceedingly normal Michael Barry (Columbia-High Road), the rest of the break’s participants had names like Abdelbaset Hannachi (Doha Team) Maarten Tjallingii (Rabobank), Gatis Smukulis (Ag2r-La Mondiale) Dominik Roels (Milram), David Deroo (Skil-Shimano) and Rhys Pollock (Drapac Porsche Cycling).

I can just see Phil and Paul in the booth (if they were there?), looking at those names and freestyling something that may or may not have been even remotely close. I often wonder how many names I unknowingly mispronounce because of Phil and Paul. I’m sure they do their best and get far more right than wrong but still…who’s going to correct them? Bob Roll?

For all I know, maybe it really is “Bone-in” and not “Boo-nen” and Valverde actually does pronounce his first name “Alleythandro.”

Excuse me Mr. Armstrong but Phil Knight is on Line 1:

Not that it’s a big deal, but is LA wearing black Rocket 7’s with a big yellow Nike swoosh on them? I know that there are a number of other high-profile riders such as Levi Leipheimer, Mark Cavendish and Nicole Cooke who still rock the legit Nikes…so what’s up with LA going all ninja stealth? I know his old kicks were basically re-branded as well, but they at least did a better job of covering it up. Can you imagine LeBron James just slapping a sticker on some Reeboks?

Also…What’s the Over/Under on how long it takes Mr. Armstrong to convince Astana that the old powder and yellow kits need to get “Lance’d” up a little bit and modified? Three months?

Nothing too severe but somehow I see changes being made to the kit used in the bigger races later on in the year. My guess is that the earliest time for a kit change would be the Tour of California and the latest would be the Giro d’Italia. There just has to be more black eventually. Not like "Smell The Glove from Spinal Tap" black but you’ll see…the image is too important.

Speaking of California:

I can’t wait. There will be MUCH more to follow as I prepare for another trip back to the Homeland for perhaps the best race in U.S. history. Hopefully the weather cooperates. Stay tuned.

We Are Not Alone...Just Lonely

2009-01-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Some people go to church every Sunday. Others may ride or race their bikes, watch sports, go shopping or even spend time with family and friends. For most, Sunday is a day of comforting rituals, both public and private, allowing for reflection on the past week as well as anticipation (or fear) of the next.

While I have been known to partake in some of these activities myself from time to time, there is no more regular part of my Sunday routine than watching ESPN from 7:00 to 8:30 am. For those unfamiliar with this particular block of programming, it consists of (the Emmy Award winning) Outside The Lines, The Sports Reporters and the first half of SportsCenter. Throw in a cup of good coffee (or three) and you’ve got the recipe for a pretty nice little Sunday morning.

So…I was intrigued when, a few hours prior to the Tour Down Under/Lance Armstrong Show on VS, (the Emmy Award winning) Outside The Lines focused on performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball and the Mitchell Report. Even though the topic is old, at least it wasn’t about drugs in bike racing.

Since the Mitchell Report is basically baseball’s rendition of Operacion Puerto, it was quite intriguing that the two primary witnesses were a sketchy personal trainer/gopher and a former batboy/clubhouse attendant for the New York Mets. Gee…no wonder there have been zero convictions after 21 months and $20 million. No subpoena power equals no...nothing. Way to go George Mitchell.

While I am not intending to compare the Mitchell Report and Operacion Puerto, it is striking how many similarities I envisioned between the various players in each particular drama. From the minutia of interactions between the “dealer” and the “user” and the common goal of success at all costs, all the way up to the near-if not outright-complicity of managers, teams and even the associations who organize and run the sports themselves.

While the latter issue is a touchy one at best, the former element regarding the process of sourcing and purchasing performance enhancing drugs is much more straightforward. Last Sunday’s (Emmy Award winning) Outside The Lines comes back into the picture now as it consisted of a lengthy interview with Kirk Radomski, the self-proclaimed steroid and HGH supplier to 200-300 professional baseball players.

But whereas Operacion Puerto has bags of blood with hokey nicknames, the Mitchell Report has Radomski, who is more than happy to eliminate any pet detective work by naming names. And I mean, lots of names. All of which you can now find at your local book store in his new punningly-titled literary masterpiece “Bases Loaded.”

Must every sports-related book title have some cheesy double entendre in order to be published? I’m not necessarily complaining because some of them are clever and if I ever write a book I will probably do it too but still…what’s up with that?

Anyway, Radomski is certainly no Pulitzer Prize winner (this is a clubhouse attendant we’re talking about here) but he did manage to come up with enough material to fill a book and many hundreds of pages in the Mitchell Report. Therefore, one may be inclined to think he’s not making this all up out of his own creative genius. The fact that he goes on to snitch on the likes of Lenny Dykstra. David Segui. Roger Clemens, Eric Gagne, Mo Vaughn, Chuck Knoblauch, Kevin Brown, Miguel Tejada, Andy Pettitte and Fernando Vina, all of whom have been somewhat suspect over the years, makes his story begin to sound downright plausible.

Consider also that Radomski has served no time in prison as a result of his confession to dealing prohibited substances and that none of the players cited have pursued legal action against him despite his very public accusations. These factors would seem to indicate a high level of probability that at least a portion of his testimony and book are accurate. I can only hope his chuckling claim that over 80% of players had used performance enhancing drugs was an exaggeration.

Sound vaguely familiar?

It should be noted that Operacion Puerto and the Mitchell Report differ in many critical respects. For example, we know that the reason for George Mitchell's lack of progress was because the Major League Baseball Players Association recommended a policy of silence and non-cooperation (no active players testified), but what is the primary reason for the failure of the Operacion Puerto investigation at this point? One judge? The Spanish legal system? High-profile soccer players?

With all due respect to the CPA (eh…), we can be fairly certain that professional cycling’s “union” has not been the problem in Spain. The MLBPA is the Bentley of Unions while the CPA is more like a Huffy with a flat tire.

Anyway, we’ll know we’ve hit the big time when (the Emmy Award winning) Outside The Lines on ESPN devotes an entire episode to a bike racing scandal. Or better yet...a bike race or racer without a scandal. But until then, we can at least rest assured that ours is not the only sport being publicly disgraced. So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

Old Is The New New

2009-01-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

While cruising the InterWebs recently, I happened upon a chat room for individuals who have returned to their respective professions after various periods of inactivity. With the causes of these competitive breaks ranging from pseudo-retirement to drug suspension and even outright felonious behavior, the current and former “pros” logged into the chat room represented many professions and even more circumstances. Below is an excerpt copied from the site:

- LA (Cycling): “Hey, who else is out there?”

- MJ (Basketball, Baseball, Gambling): “I just got off the golf course, but I think I have some time to kill before my poker game with Sir Charles.”

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating): “Hello. I am interested in learning some new and valuable lessons in this chat room. However, in keeping with my prior record I will not act on any of this knowledge.”

- A “P” J (Football, Making It Rain): “Yo, I just want y’all to know that just ‘cause you get back in the game doesn’t mean they want to keep you there. Take it from Pacman, you enable multiple strip-club shootings and people act like you’re some kind of bad person.”

- FL (Cycling, Whiskey Drinking): “The rest of you guys are bunch of crybabies. I am coming back from both a career-threatening injury AND a drug suspension. You got nothing on me.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Woman Dating): “Hey, don’t forget the old cappuccino days Son. I’m still The Comeback Man. You may only have one hip but I only have one…uhh…well, you get my point. I’m older and have far more of my legacy to lose but I’m in great shape and apparently still have some testosterone to burn. After all, you’d be amazed how hard it was to keep up with McConaughey these last few years.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity): “Hello everyone, it’s Iron Mike and I am back from a recent trip to Bolivion. I would just like to remind everyone to eat their vegetables and make sure that they know how to use a calculator. If I had known that such a simple device could have prevented me from wasting hundreds of millions of dollars and going bankrupt…well, things would have been a little different for me and maybe I wouldn’t have had to fight so many times. I think I remember Robin Givens bringing one home that was a prop from Head Of The Class but the batteries were dead. So close.”

- LLCJ (Rapping, Loving the Ladies, Greasing Chest): “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years.”

- BF (Football, Wrangler Wearing): “Hey y’all, I just wanted to say that I really could have used this chat room last year. I mean, I freaking cried at my first retirement announcement in Green Bay. Cried!!! How can you recover from that? Well, I guess you can’t. Between crying at a press conference and returning to play for the Jets, I don’t think I can ever go back to Mississippi or Wisconsin. Hmmm…maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

- MJ (Basketball, Baseball, Gambling): “Trust me BF, it will never be the same with your original fans but come on, they were only loyal and supportive for like 10 to 20 years. No biggie. The main point is that you served your own selfish competitive ego by going to another team, destroying their morale and ruining any chance of success in your new hometown. Don’t worry, you’re following the plan perfectly. You’ll be in upper management for another horrible franchise in no time.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Woman Dating, Occasional Marathon Running): “So do I need to worry about losing fans now that I have gone over to a team from Kazakhstan?”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “Oooh, please tell Kazakhstan that Mike says hello. He was one of my training partners back in the 80’s. Praise be to Allah.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Women Dating, Occasional Marathon Running, Texan): “What?”

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating, Apologizing): “Yes, I too am curious if I will have lost some of the support of the tifosi. As well as the respect of all of the riders and managers I lied to, of course.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “All I know is that my tifosi hasn’t been acting right ever since I had that really spicy Indian food a few weeks ago.”

- BF (Football, Wrangler Wearing, Packer-fan Killing): “Wait…lying to fans, teammates, coaches and managers is wrong? Nobody ever told me that.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “I’ve done some crazy things, but the only time I ever lied was when I said I was going to eat Lennox Lewis’ children. I never got around to that. Oh well.”

- A “P” J (Football, Making It Rain): "I always say I am going to make it rain but it doesn't actually rain. It just means that I am going to throw a bunch of money in the air and act stupid. Not sure if that's a lie or not, technically."

- FL (Cycling, Whiskey Drinking, Mennonite-ness): “Okay, this is getting a little too weird for me, I think I’m going to go listen to some Kid Rock. LA and IB…I’ll see you two in Cali. I hope the rest of you get whatever medical and legal help you need."

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating, Apologizing): “Yes, I will see you in California and shake your hand but I will not actually say hello.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Women Dating, Occasional Marathon Running, Texan): “You may see me but not if I see you both first.”

It seems that the webpage that hosted this chat room has been changed or removed but hopefully we will gain access again sometime soon.

Farmer's Tan Almanac - 2008 Edition

2008-12-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

As we steadily careen toward the end of 2008, I thought it might be interesting (and ultimately, somewhat depressing) to take a month-by-month look back at the year’s top stories both on and off the bike. After all, if we do not learn from history, we are certainly doomed to repeat it. Are you listening to me UCI and ASO? Somehow I doubt it, but let’s crack open the almanac and see what happened in ’08 anyway.

January 2: The price of petroleum hits $100 per barrel for the first time.

January 18: After much speculation, Rock Racing announces that Mario Cipollini will return to the peloton in the Amgen Tour of California.

January 21: Stock markets around the world plunge amid growing fears of a U.S. recession, fueled by the 2007 subprime mortgage crisis.

January 22-27: Tour Down Under
Andre Greipel and the short-lived black kits of High Road do damage down under and give notice to the cycling world that they will be a force in 2008.

February 4: Iran opens its first space center and launches a rocket to space.

February 17-24: Amgen Tour of California
After being informed that Astana would not be invited to the Tour de France, Levi Leipheimer defends his 2007 victory with a convincing win in the TT.

February 19: Fidel Castro announces his resignation as President of Cuba.

March 9-16: Paris-Nice
Davide Rebellin finally wins the Race to the Sun after a stunning downhill attack which leaves young Robert Gesink on the verge of soiling himself.

March 19: An exploding star halfway across the visible universe becomes the farthest known object ever visible to the naked eye.

March 22: Milano-Sanremo
Fabian Cancellara rips away from the final group and holds on to claim yet another Classic in remarkable fashion.

April 6: Ronde van Vlaanderen/Tour of Flanders
Stijn Devolder attacks with 25k to go and does the Belgian National Champs jersey proud with a stunning solo victory.

April 9: Gent-Wevelgem
Oscar Freire proves yet again that he is a force to be reckoned with and handily takes the mid-week semi-Classic in his usual un-Spanish style.

April 13: Paris-Roubaix
Tom Boonen finds the moves and easily outsprints Cancellara and Ballan to take his second Hell of the North victory before an unfortunate night on the town.

April 20: Amstel Gold Race
Damiano Cunego wins a small bunch sprint at the end of his very first Amstel Gold Race and claims his first Spring Classic victory.

April 22: Surgeons at London's Moorfields Eye Hospital perform the first operations using bionic eyes, implanting them into two blind patients.

April 27: The Taliban attempts to assassinate Afghan President Hamid Karzai in a military parade in Kabul.

April 27: Liège-Bastogne-Liège
Alejandro Valverde takes his second Liège after the Schleck Brothers and Rebellin fail to distance themselves from the Spaniard before the finish.

May 3: Over 133,000 in Burma/Myanmar are killed by Cyclone Nargis, the deadliest natural disaster since the Boxing Day Tsunami in 2004.

May 10 - June 1: Giro d’Italia
Alberto Contador angrily comes off the beach to defeat a bunch of guys who would later be caught up in doping scandals and adds the maglia rosa to his growing collection of Grand Tour winners jerseys.

May 12: Over 69,000 are killed in central southwest China by the Chengdu quake, an earthquake measuring 8.0Mw. The epicenter is 90 kilometers west-northwest of the provincial capital Chengdu, Sichuan province.

June 8: Philadelphia International Championship / Philly Week
Matti Breschel wins in Philly after Metlushenko and Sevilla ride away with the early-week prizes. Teutenberg and the High Road Ladies dominate as usual.

June 8: In the Akihabara area of Tokyo, Japan, a 25-year old man stabs 7 to death and wounds 10, before being arrested.

June 8-15: Dauphine Libere
Alejandro Valverde surprisingly defeats Cadel Evans and Levi Leipheimer in the TT to win his first stage race outside of Spain.

June 10: Fire engulfs Sudan Airways Flight 109 after landing in Khartoum, killing 44.

July 7: A suicide-bomber drives an explosives-laden automobile into the front gates of the Indian embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan, killing 58 and injuring over 150.

July 5 - 27: Tour de France
Carlos Sastre and CSC outmaneuver Cadel Evans, Christian Vande Velde and a bunch of dopers to win his first yellow jersey.

July 25: A series of seven bomb blasts rock Bangalore, India killing 2 and injuring 20 and on the next day, a series of bomb blasts in Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India, kills 45 and injures over 160 people.

July 27: At least 17 are killed and over 154 wounded in two blasts in Istanbul.

July 28: At least 48 are dead and over 287 injured after bombs explode in Baghdad and Kirkuk, Iraq.

August 7: The 2008 South Ossetia war begins as Georgia and Russia launch a major offensive inside the separatist region of South Ossetia after days of border skirmishes between the two sides.

August 8-24: Beijing Olympics
Sammy Sanchez and Nicole Cooke take the Road Race while Fabian Cancellara and Kristin Armstrong are the fastest in the Time Trial.

August 28 – September 7: Hurricane Hanna causes 7 deaths in the United States, and 529 in Haiti mostly due to floods and mudslides.

August 30 - September 21: Vuelta a Espana
Alberto Contador takes revenge after being left out of the Tour and narrowly edges teammate Leipheimer to collect his third Grand Tour in as many tries.

August 31: USPRO Road Championships
Tyler Hamilton nips Blake Caldwell by centimeters to take home the Stars and Stripes jersey after a few dark years.

September 10: The proton beam is circulated for the first time in the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and the highest-energy particle accelerator, located at CERN, near Geneva, under the Franco-Swiss border.

September 8-14: Tour of Missouri
Christian Vande Velde and the Garmin-Chipotle squad finally gets the win and fends off a ferocious Columbia team which leads Mark Cavendish to multiple easy sprint victories.

September 12: A Metrolink train collides head-on into a freight train in Los Angeles, California, killing 25 and injuring 130.

September 28: World Road Championships
Allessandro Ballan and Nicole Cooke take home the rainbow jerseys in the Road Race.

September 30: A Jodhpur temple stampede in western India kills over 224 people, and injures 400.

October 3: U.S. President George W. Bush signs the revised Emergency Economic Stabilization Act into law, creating a 700 billion dollar Treasury fund to purchase failing bank assets.

October 12: Paris-Tours
Philippe Gilbert gets it right after some near misses and foils the sprinters with a daring attack.

October 18: Giro di Lombardia
Damiano Cunego wins another Race of the Falling Leaves as the peloton begins to show signs of fatigue after a busy year.

October 21: The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is officially inaugurated. It is a collaboration of over 10,000 scientists and engineers from over 100 countries as well as hundreds of universities and laboratories.

November 1-2: Boulder Cup
Todd Wells and Tim Johnson take the Saturday and Sunday events respectively, while Georgia Gould dominates both women’s races.

November 4: In the United States presidential election, Barack Obama is elected the 44th President of the United States and Joe Biden is elected the 47th Vice President. Obama becomes the first African-American President-elect.

December 14: Cyclocross Nationals
Ryan Trebon gets his second Stars and Stripes jersey and Katie Compton makes it five of the last five National titles.

December 27: Israel initiates a series of airstrikes against the Gaza Strip, killing at least 312 (including 56 civilians) and wounding over 1,500.

Well, so there you have 2008. Ugh. I hate to end things on a bad note but hey, this is the world we live in and hopefully this type of reflection helps confirm just how good most of us who follow the sport of cycling have it. We are certainly fortunate and let’s all hope for the best in 2009. The world can use all the help it can get.

Happy New Year Everyone.

Totally Memorable Moments of 2008

2008-12-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

What better way to reflect on a few of the most memorable moments and developments of the 2008 cycling season than by drawing some comparisons to memorable quotes from a few 80’s movies? Wait…don’t answer that. There are probably a number of better ways. Regardless, I thought such an effort might be interesting. The result follows…

“I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.” - Charles, Better Off Dead

It is safe to say that Carlos Sastre was like the older guy who used years of experience to capitalize on the opportunity hook up with the head cheerleader/Alpe d’Huez before going on to take the Prom Queen/Yellow Jersey back to the hotel/Paris and the record books.

In the end, Big Papa Sastre was the only guy in the mix who actually seemed like he had a plan and was “tranquilo” for the whole race. He was the only one who handled it all like he knew exactly what he was doing. While Evans was losing his marbles, hitting cameras and spending too much time listening to Rockwell, Menchov was hindered by bad luck and descending skills, and Vande Velde couldn’t even believe he was there with the leaders, Carlos/Charlie was no dummy, and finally got the job done in the biggest way possible. Next up, K-12.

“Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the f-ing charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?” – Axel Foley, Beverly Hills Cop

Levi Leipheimer was a mad guy at Tour of California. News had just come from ASO that LL’s Astana team would not be extended an invitation to the Tour de France and the defending champion of the ToC was all business…and some revenge too. Similar to Axel’s window experience outside Victor Maitland’s office, Levi was suddenly feeling the strong-arm of a European guy in a suit and was not about to just take it without a fight.

I was fortunate enough to be at the TT in Solvang and have never seen someone as hyped-up as LL-Cool-Heimer on the start ramp. It was kind of freaky actually. He was huffing and puffing and looked like his eyes were going to burn a hole through his Specialized sunglasses. It reminded me of how the guys from World’s Strongest Man Competition get all crazy before they pull a tractor with their teeth or something. If it weren’t for the skinsuit and 300lb weight differential, you would have thought it was Magnus Ver Magnusson up there holding off Cancellara. Millar and Vande Velde.

“I must break you.” – Ivan Drago, Rocky IV

Fabian Cancellara’s win in Milan-Sanremo was probably my favorite race of the year. I wrote about it a bit earlier, but it’s worth repeating that his move at the end of the race was as close to my vision of a perfect victory as I have ever seen in real life. You know, that sequence of events that you play in your head when you’re out on a ride and imagine yourself bursting out of the pack and holding them off over the last few desperate kilometers?

Well, F-Can just basically stepped up like Drago to the peloton’s hapless Apollo Creed in Milan-Sanremo. There was such a shocking difference in strength that normal tactics never even entered the picture and the race was over before anyone even knew what happened, with the sprinters lying unconscious, twitching on the canvas as Cancellara and Brigitte Nielsen walked away with the victory. “If he dies, he dies.”

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

Similar to Levi in California, Alberto Contador raced the entire season with a huge chip on his shoulder courtesy of ASO. This was certainly the case at the Giro d’Italia. After getting the call from Johan while chilling on the beach doing the Macarena, Bert came into Italy ready to put a whupping on the entire sport.

Substitute “father” with “relaxing vacation on the beach” in the above quote and you basically have the Spanish Spider Monkey’s repeated declaration to the rest of the field at the Giro d’Italia. Substitute “father” with “chance to repeat my Tour victory” a little later in the year and you have his war cry at the Vuelta.

“Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.” – Farmer Ted, Sixteen Candles

“Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.” – Ed Rooney, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

This sequence of quotes seems to sum up the most depressing part of the entire year - the multiple high-profile CERA-related doping cases at the Tour de France. There had to be a similar process by which Ricco, Piepoli, Schumacher, Kohl and everyone else actually thought they were going to sneak through the controls, tried to relax and enjoy the party but were ultimately nailed by Ed Rooney, Dean of Students and Dope Testing.

The parallels of these quotes and the whole doping scene are endless. For example, would Farmer Ted have had the most amazing night of his life before waking up in the back seat of a Rolls Royce with the hottest girl in school if he had not mistakenly thought that he and his dopey friends were safe from harm before they entered the party at Jake Ryan’s house?

And come to think of it, is there a better symbol of the anti-doping system than Ed Rooney? I mean, at the heart of his job is a strong desire to make sure everyone follows the rules. Nothing wrong with that, right? Right.

But unfortunately, sometimes the whole process of enforcing the rules gets a little out of hand and you occasionally end up with a guy like Rooney who turns it into a personal vendetta against those he is trying to control. This never works out well for anyone, although I would probably prefer Ed’s dog attack and subsequent beatdown by Jennifer Grey to a courtroom battle against the Anti-Doping Establishment. At least he had a brief chance against the Dirty Dancer. But if you go up against an "-ADA" of any kind, it's pretty much "Pucker up Buttercup."

“You using the whole fist, Doc?” – Irwin M. Fletcher (as Arnold Babar), Fletch

Depending on how you view Tyler Hamilton’s victory at the USPRO Championship, you may find it easier to identify with either Dr. Dolan or Fletch in this uncomfortably funny examination scene. Even though neither position is desirable at all, I guess it’s better to be the guy with pants than the guy without pants. As Seinfeld says, “Pants always beats no-pants.”

So whether you think that Tyler stuck it to everyone that has stuck it to him or not, the fact remains that he is now the guy with the Stars & Stripes jersey (pending Rock Racing actually racing in 2009) and seems to have reclaimed a more pleasant position than the one he had been in for the last few years. “Whew, you ever serve time, Doc?”

“He went from totally geek to totally chic.” – One of the Brunette girls, Can’t Buy Me Love

Even though Slipstream had some decent results in the Spring (including Maaskant’s remarkable ride in Paris-Roubaix), it wasn’t until they won the Team Time Trial at the Giro d’Italia that they really forced the media to take note and prepare for the publicity onslaught that accompanied the lead-up to the Tour.

Little did we know that the formerly overlooked Christian Vande Velde was beginning to make a Ronald Miller-esque jump in reputation and results after briefly donning la maglia rosa and going on to sit at the cool clique’s table at the Tour a few months later. Apparently he kept mowing Cindy Mancini’s lawn because the former Boulder-ite then went on to fend off a ferocious Columbia team in Missouri while Courtney Gains, the creepy red-headed friend looked sadly at the podium from the back of the crowd.

“Who put this thing together? Me, that's who! Who do I trust? Me!” – Tony Montana, Scarface

We all know that Fabian Cancellara likes to fancy himself as both Spartacus and Tony Montana but I wonder if Kristin Armstrong doesn’t have a poster of Scarface somewhere in her house as well. Regardless of film taste, the reality is that by winning gold medals in Beijing after multiple previous world titles, both Armstrong and Cancellara have clearly displayed the single-minded self-confidence to go out and master the toughest test in bike racing. It could be argued that the road Time Trial is the ultimate display of personal strength and mental fortitude, although perhaps Tony might make a case that creating a drug empire is higher on the list. Maybe we can get Dr. Fuentes’ opinion?

“There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.” – Dana Barrett, Ghost Busters

The other thing that is interesting about Cancellara is that he seems so balanced and happy off the bike, but is clearly a cold-hearted monster while on it. The same can be said for Armstrong, whom I have had the pleasure to meet a few times and is extremely nice and pleasant. I am sure that they have focused and driven personalities off the bike but both riders seem absolutely possessed when they get on it. Much like Dana (Sigourney Weaver) in Ghost Busters, it’s like they turn into Zuul the Gatekeeper when they get on those Cervelos and go after the finish line like it’s a demonic refrigerator or something.

“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” – Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf

If Teen Wolf had been made in 2008, the final thing on Coach Finstock’s list would have been “never get into a field sprint with Mark Cavendish.” Because much as Scott Howard was unstoppable on the basketball court when he was The Wolf, Cav was not to be beaten when he got a whiff of the finish line this past year.

Although Cavendish was remarkably fast, it should be noted that he had had the distinct benefit of a much stronger team than Michael J. Fox. I mean, besides being an average of about 35 years old, the Beavers were a pretty feeble group to begin with. The 37 year-old fat guy character was even eating a sandwich during some of the games. What’s that about, Chubs? Enjoy the show man, you’re playing hoops with a freaking werewolf! And killing everyone! And no one seems to care that you have a werewolf on your team! Appreciate this while it lasts! I don’t recall Hincapie or Ciolek snacking during a lead out. Although Melanie’s husband does kind of look a little like Mick, the 33 year old guy who played for the Dragons.

“Daniel LaRusso is gonna fight?” – Official at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, Karate Kid

This was basically what I said when I heard that Lance Armstrong was going to come back to professional road racing. It was pretty much the same thought process. You know, come on man, haven’t you proved yourself enough? It’s okay, we know you competed against some bad guys and all but let’s just stay safe and spend some more time with Elizabeth Shue or whoever McConaughey brings over okay?

But LA has a little Cobra Kai in him too and may have begun to miss leading chants of “Strike first, Strike hard, No Mercy, Sir!” I just hope that he learns from the trainwreck that was Karate Kid 3 and doesn’t show up looking like someone wearing a Ralph Macchio fat suit. Somehow I don’t foresee that being a concern but then again, it’s got to be tough to stay hungry when you've done it all before and have it all at your fingertips. Why do you think they had to get Hilary Swank for the 4th Karate Kid installment?

But if the 2009 season plays out anything like the final fight scene between Daniel and Johnny at the All-Valley Tournament, then you can bet I’ll be one of the people cheering like crazy from the side of the mat. Anybody but the “Put him in a body bag!” guy, that is. I always hated that guy.

Reading Between The Headlines...Again

2008-12-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

We’ll go over some fairly recent thoughts on some fairly recent headlines shortly, but in the meantime…

I attended the Garmin-Slipstream Team Presentation a few weeks ago in what I hope will become an annual tradition here in town. It was certainly a fun event but after being at the Boulder Theatre for the first Slipstream-Chipotle (keep up with the name changes, please) shindig last year, it seemed a little tame in comparison. Instead of last year's “Hey, we’re all a little/severely faded and really excited to be racing in such an interesting environment” kind of vibe, the 2009 Team Presentation was far more serious in declaring the need for more W’s in the coming year. And I don’t mean Wiggins. Wiggins's's.

Speaking B-Wiggs...I am still trying to figure him out. First of all, the guy’s haircut is so unbelievably bad that it must have cost him hundreds of dollars. It sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but I figure that the worst looking haircuts actually tend to cost the most. Think about it. I mean, there is no way that someone would walk into a Cost Cutters, get butchered and walk out looking like Bradley Wiggins without demanding their money back and thinking that their barber was drunk. But...if you go into some fancy pants Salon in London and the “Stylist” tells you that the chainsaw look is super hot right now – you (or Bradley Wiggins) probably shell out the $200 and walk out the door thinking you’re the Shiz.

Anyway, B-Could Use Some-Wiggs also failed to endear himself to the crowd during the presentation by jokingly referring to Boulder as Kansas City. Twice (Don't think I didn't catch both times). Not the best choice there, mate. It was probably a better choice than Dallas but still – I think the humor was lost on most of us when he started trying to act like Boulder was not The English Speaking Bike Mecca. Besides, Gold medals are a dime a dozen in this town Son, you better recognize. But most importantly, this is where they print your checks.

Other highlights of the evening included Dave Towle rocking the mic, Julian Dean, Matty White and David Millar all walking up into the balcony to say hi to Tyler Hamilton before the show started, DZ extolling the virtues of “The Google” and Vaughters wearing a Lucy t-shirt instead of a turtleneck sweater. Good times.

Now I will regurgitate and ramble on some recent stories circulating the cycling scene:

Fraud Factory

In financial news, it seems that the U.S. may not control the market on massive corporate evilness after all. In a stunning, yet fascinatingly Hollywood-esque turn of events, it appears that the former CEO of IT Factory (the former co-sponsor of the former CSC cycling team, former winner of the Tour de France) may have embezzled anywhere from $85-$140M from the Danish company. After mysteriously vanishing during a trip to Dubai, Stein "T" Bagger eventually showed up in Los Angeles (of course) and turned himself in to Taggart and Rosewood from Beverly Hills Cop.

Detective Axel Foley has reportedly been called in from Detroit to handle the case but said that Bagger will probably just be shipped directly to Bjarne Riis’ house – where he will almost certainly be killed.

Wii Game Apparently More Challenging Than Pro Field Sprinting

In a story that should only involve Major League Baseball players, sprinting sensation Mark Cavendish apparently injured his calf while playing a snowboarding game on his Wii recently. Upon further investigation, it was acknowledged that Cavendish had been operating the video game on the extremely dangerous “Abdujaparov-Level” despite Bob Stapleton requesting that he keep it on the far safer “Bennati-Level” during the offseason. Reports that the team has placed a bounty on Shaun White are unconfirmed.

Although similar, this story is far less noteworthy than the tragic “I Thought We Were Playing Duck Hunt” incident involving Greg LeMond and his Brother-in-Law back in 1987. Video games sure have come a long way since then.

Frank Schleck Did Not Inhale

Apparently Frank Schleck has done nothing wrong. OK. Apparently he wired many thousands of Euros to Eufemanio Fuentes a few months before winning the Amstel Gold Race out of the kindness of his heart and the desire to unload a little excess cash for a few good training tips. OK. Apparently when you pay many thousands of Euros to a drug dealer in another country, there is no legal way to determine that the money was actually for...well, anything. OK. Apparently Frank Schleck wants us to believe that he never got anything other than some training advice in return for his many, many thousands of Euros. Eh… Apparently he also thinks that we are not paying attention. And are not very smrt. Not smrt at all.

I hear Marion Barry is going to run for office in Luxembourg.

Rock Racing Will Do Whatever It Wants To Do…For A Little While

Someone may want to take the stack of jeans off of that big binder with “UCI Regulations” written on it that has been collecting dust in the back of Rock Racing’s Escalade for the last couple of years. It seems that Michael Ball may have been a little too ambitious with the roster for 2009 and the team has been forced to cut a number of racers from its Continental squad in order to meet UCI age and rider limits. D’oh! I know there are lots of big words in the Rule Book and precious little information on denim stitching but…this does not reflect well.

“Sorry guys…we were told there would be no math. Bummer that we gave all the good spots to a bunch of sketchy foreigners but have fun doing the local crit series and cheering for us at all the big races that you can’t do now. Rock On!”

I guess it’s a good thing they don’t have to keep a spot open for The Tat anymore.

Plaxico Burress vs Tom Boonen

Question: What would happen if Tom Boonen carried an illegal, loaded handgun into a club and then proceeded to accidentally shoot himself through the thigh while sitting at a table with numerous other patrons?

Answer: The entire country of Belgium would go on strike for a week, Boonen would be immediately thrown in jail, banned from cycling for the foreseeable future and his parents house would probably be burned to the ground within hours.

Question: What would happen if Plaxico Burress was caught in an out-of-competiton test for having done some recreational party drugs while at a club and had some minor traffic violations in his Lamborghini?

Answer: No one would think twice and he would be given a five-year, $27M contract extension.

Perhaps I need to write NFL vs UCI Part Deux now. Hey, does anyone know where I can score some Star Caps?

Amore & Vita signs Chad Gerlach, Amy Winehouse and Gary Busey

I had the terrible misfortune of watching a portion of Gerlach’s Intervention show a while ago and am really confused by the fact that he will be racing professionally while so many other excellent racers and more importantly, excellent human beings are going without contracts in 2009. While I respect the desire to help people overcome past problems, as it seems R-Gag and AV/McDonalds are claiming, I cannot get over some concerns that the sport would be better served by giving that roster slot to a young rider or a veteran who has made better life choices. I’m all for redemption but not at the expense of those who have been consistently positive influences on others.

Then again, maybe they were smoking crack when they designed that horrendous, white and red kit and are looking for someone to sympathize with them.

Where’s The American Beef?

In slightly sad news, Fuji-Servetto has replaced Scott-American Beef as the sponsor-driven name of the artists formerly known as Saunier Duval. The cycling world certainly did not get enough time to enjoy listening to Phil Liggett say things like “American Beef is being dropped” or “The American Beef riders are gathering at the head of the field.”

After all, nothing says bike racing like a Mexican-based meat-packing conglomerate. Alas, farewell American Beef, we hardly knew ye.

Astana The World Turns

On a final note, I am still waiting to hear back from someone in Hollywood regarding my idea for a reality show about Astana. I am also working on a script for a daily soap opera called Astana The World Turns but haven’t sold the rights yet. Maybe I should be shopping this around in Spain? Anyone? I swear it will be better than Dancing With The Stars or Flavor of Love.

Mea Culpa and Post-Pura Vida Syndrome

2008-11-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, before going over some recent cycling news events, I must apologize to Roberto Gaggioli after mistaking another driver for him a few weeks ago. Apparently, he was not the culprit on I-70. I am very sorry for the misidentification but I swear there is a Dopple-Gaggioli-Ganger in an Audi out there getting speeding tickets. Mea culpa RG.

Anyway, after spending the last few weeks driving through Costa Rica, there will be no complaining about U.S. drivers any time soon. I truly love Costa Rica and the Ticos are overwhelmingly nice and courteous people but…one could argue that the driving conditions often leave a little something to be desired.

First of all, the roads themselves are almost always dangerously twisty and narrow. Adding to the frightening effect are strategically placed potholes as well as numerous pedestrians and dogs who are deceptively good at keeping you nervous by hiding any recognition that there is a huge metal vehicle whipping past them by inches. The fact that we were driving in a Suzuki Jimny (the smaller, wobblier successor to the old Samurai – I don’t even think they are allowed to sell them in the U.S.) which seemed on the verge of rolling over when sticking my arm out the window, let alone when swerving to avoid a group of school children or pothole, did not enhance any sense of safety.

But these things are trivial compared to the awe-inspiring madness of Costa Rican drivers. I say this out of both fear and respect because I have not been able to fully resolve the lingering psychological effects of my experiences on the road with them yet. They were at once and almost universally, life-threateningly aggressive yet oddly aware and polite, while being hyper-impatient and blissfully unconcerned with the future at the same time. Fascinating in retrospect, frightening in the moment. Oh, and it was also quickly determined that traffic laws are not really “rules” so much as mere “suggestions” about how to avoid killing yourself.

For example, it was not unusual to have a huge bus full of tourists, or an old pick-up truck, or a rusted out Datsun, or a cement truck come roaring up behind us at anywhere from 20-70kph over the speed limit and then just go right over the double-yellow lines into the oncoming lane and then back around us without even touching the brakes. Occasionally, the cars in the oncoming lanes would have to slow down or swerve to avoid the passing vehicle but amazingly, I rarely saw anyone get upset about it. In fact, after witnessing about 200 offenses that would likely result in roadside beatings back in the States, I can’t remember more than a few unsavory gestures or honks. And most of those involved me.

Basically, it seems like everyone in Costa Rica is trying to get to a fire. Speed limits and road conditions are evidently not deemed significant if they impede one from passing any and every vehicle in front of them as quickly as possible. But here’s where the Ticos trick you. Because just when you start to think that maybe the guy who darted into oncoming traffic on a blind corner before a one-lane bridge to get around you (when you are already doing 20kph over the posted speed limit) is actually responding to some kind of emergency, then he is just as likely to abruptly pull over to say a polite hello to a friend or kindly give someone a ride somewhere as if time had no significance whatsoever. Truly amazing.

Anyhow, after successfully negotiating a tire-slashing and near-mugging in San Jose, another flat on the drive from Arenal to Tamarindo, far too many unsettling miles on crazy dirt roads without a spare, a few dozen “This can’t possibly be right” utterances and a near-nervous breakdown on the highway/demolition derby outside of Escazu, I have come back to the relative weirdness of life in Boulder and some rather interesting news stories in the cycling world.

Sadly, I have come home to find that both Stefan Schumacher and Bernhard Kohl tested positive for CERA during the Tour. I had a sense that there was something Fishy about Kohl and have long been suspicious of Stoolmacher, but it was still depressing to get confirmation of their deviance from the retro-vampires.

I keep getting flashes of them, as well as Ricco and Piepoli, up on the podium, happily accepting flowers and jerseys like they had done nothing wrong. It’s pretty disturbing to imagine what was (or wasn’t) racing through their brains as they reconciled their dope-driven success. They all seemed rather pleased with themselves, although it’s hard to imagine how they could have slept at night out of both guilt and anxiety. Especially after they knew that a test had been developed for CERA. I wonder how many other riders are waiting nervously for more results to be confirmed from the Tour and the Olympics.

There is a dull sense of satisfaction that the cheaters are eventually getting caught, although one can't help but wonder how different the 2008 Tour would have been without Ricco, Piepoli, Schumacher and Kohl in the mix. It’s one thing to remove names from the record books but the reality is that the dynamic of the race is often being dictated by riders who end up getting popped later on. I wonder if there isn’t a subtle subconscious tactic of minimizing reactions to certain “suspicious” riders with the unspoken hope that they will get caught positive at some point later on.

In other news, it seems that Alberto Contador is staying with Astana for 2009. This is pretty surprising on the surface and contradicts what most followers assumed the Spaniard would do upon the confirmation of Lance Armstrong’s return to cycling. Many predicted that Contador would be too insulted to stay on board and jump ship to another team in which he would be the unquestioned leader. It’s bad enough having Levi Leipheimer nipping at your heels from inside the team bus, but can you imagine an alpha-biker battle with Lance while Bruyneel is directing? Kind of a LeMond/Hinault remake?

But as it stands now, there is question as to whether LA will even ride the Tour, perhaps opting to focus on the Giro instead. Regardless, Contador is either confident that he will be the outright leader for the Tour or he realized that he has as good a shot or better to win somehow with Astana (either with or against Armstrong) than he would on any other team anyway. It may be more awkward this way but considering his options, he probably made the right decision.

AC is the real deal athletically and has a lot of subtle psychological similarities to Lance. The whole “recovery from near-death” thing seems like a rather strong unifying force. For the record, I’m still intrigued by the possible effects of Contador’s brain surgeries on his nervous system and pain threshold. If I recall from my numerous Psych classes…brain surgeries are kind of serious (sarcasm) and often carry the potential for emotional and neuro-chemical changes in the patient. I have no idea if this is a factor for Contador in particular, but I think it is a rather interesting consideration regarding performance enhancement in general. Isn’t there a legend that Jens Voigt somehow had his pain receptors removed back in Germany when he was younger? Or was that Chuck Norris?

Anyway, with the possibility of Contador, Armstrong, Leipheimer, Kloden (pending T-Mobile revelations permitting…) and the whole fleet of mercenaries behind them, Astana is going to be rather fearsome in 2009. I am reserving any judgment on the team for the time being and will just simply try to enjoy the show. It should be entertaining at the very least. If there was ever an opportunity for HBO to chronicle a cycling team for a year – this would be it. Come on, jumping from LA to Contador to Levi to Horner to Eki to Bruyneel, it would be reality television GOLD. Gold, I tell ya. Are there any T.V. execs out there reading?

I continue to be somewhat conflicted about the return of Ivan Basso to the pro peloton. While his admission/non-admission of involvement with Fuentes and Operacion Puerto was nearly Clintonian in its boldfaced claims of misguided innocence, one cannot overlook the fact that he has served his time under the current rules and has a right to race again. I can only assume that having to wear that horrendous Liquigas kit is some kind of cosmic retribution for past deeds.

Speaking of unfortunate kits, it seems that Lampre caught fire at the end of the season with victories at the World Championships with Alessandro Ballan and the Tour of Lombardy with Damiano Cunego. Perhaps the thought of being able to wear the rainbow jersey instead of the pink and blue was all the extra motivation Ballan needed to stay away? I also wonder if Cunego had his much-publicized “I Am Doping Free” tattoo covered up with one that says “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson” in honor of his Fresh Prince nickname.

Well, there were a lot of other interesting things that happened while I was living la Pura Vida and improving my road rally driving skills, but maybe we’ll save the rest of them for the Year End Review or something. It's cross season now. Te Mucho Gusto.

Vacation - La Pura Vida

2008-10-09T11:05:00.001-07:00

Without getting too personal, many interesting developments have taken place recently which may lead to new and exciting adventures. But regardless, I'm going to be on the beach and in the rainforest for the next few weeks and will catch up later.

Until then...here's a video clip I took of the U.S.A Crit Finals held in the parking lot of Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas during Interbike. Much beer was consumed by the crowd and many pairs of shorts were ruined by the crashes which seemed to take place on nearly every lap. Now the camera will be used to film monkeys, volcanoes and some solid surf.

And here's Phil getting interviewed by another guy. Such a cool guy. Where's Paul?

Peace.

Interbike 2008 - Recalling The Chaos

2008-09-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

Having recovered from my first Interbike experience, I am now emotionally ready to provide a personal account of the event. There are always a lot of tech reviews associated with Interbike but I have found very few descriptions of what it's actually like at the expo and events in Las Vegas. Well...now I know for myself. And it was way better than Vegas Vacation - which should have never happened.

First of all, it should be noted that Interbike attendees are rather conspicuous in Sin City. Generally speaking, it is rather easy to determine who is affiliated with the show from the regular Vegas folk. For example, I found myself getting a little lost after departing the shuttle at The Venetian and ended up finding a guy with expensive sunglasses and bright colored running shoes who kindly directed me through the secret Harrah's route. I was thinking about asking the elderly couple with matching velour sweat suits or the group of dangerously inebriated (at 10:30 in the morning) guys in tank tops and Tap Out shirts where Interbike was located...but I guess I made the right choice with the guy who dressed like me. Go figure.

So...after navigating the bowels of The Sands Expo Center and gathering my "media" pass from CZ at MissingSaddle.com, it was up the staircase to Ground Zero of the Biker Sensory Overload Zone. The lobby of the event had a number of pro bikes on display which only served as a brief teaser of the overwhelming two-wheeled coolness which would be experienced on the other side of the doors.

According to the event guide, Interbike had "over 1,000 brands" but it seemed like there were twice that many. Regardless, it was actually bigger than I had anticipated. There is a premium on marketing within the cycling industry and it was clear that many companies were making significant efforts to portray themselves well at his event - as were many of the other attendees with expensive glasses and bright shoes.

It was particularly interesting to note the unique charactersitics of the various factions within the industry. For example, the BMX and Downhill companies probably didn't use the same marketing consultant as Campagnolo or Cervelo. I also don't see a Campy trucker hat or line of punk-soundtracked crash videos coming anytime soon. I can't think of many sports that have such demographic diversity.

One of the cool things about Interbike is that it provides an opportunity to see not only sweet gear but also a number of high (and low) profile current and former riders as well. There are few sports which provide as many post-career possibilities for athletes as cycling. However, if the above photo of Maurizio Fondriest is any indication, he'd probably rather be riding that limited edition bike than conducting business in Las Vegas.

While there is certainly a focus on product, it is clear that Interbike serves largely as a business and networking opportunity. There were over 10,000 registered "buyers" at the event which makes for an interesting commercial dynamic between the exhibitors and most of the attendees. There is also a corresponding spectrum of activity ranging from the hustle and bustle of the Shimano Sector to the relative calm of the Taiwanese handlebar tassle and bell maker. It takes all kinds at Interbike.

Speaking of doing business, there are rumors that Rock Racing has begun talks with Johan Museeuw as a Director for 2009. I did not make that assumption when I took this photo of Fast Freddie and the Belgian but...somehow it seems to fit in an odd way. Regardless, I think Rodriguez scored himself a nice frame during the conversation.

I first saw Museeuw in the Media Center lounge and it actually took me a second to recognize him. It's interesting that I can pick out riders moving in a pack at 30 mph but can hardly recognize the same guys in street clothes. One would think that glasses and a helmet actually serve to diguise one's identity but it doesn't work that way in cycling. Combine that with the fact that most of the people in the road cycling industry actually look and dress like professional racers...and it becomes even harder to determine who people are in an off-the-bike setting like Interbike.

There were obviously a lot of amazing bikes on display but I found myself drawn to the "race-ridden" rigs such as Bradley Wiggins' Dolan pictured above. It is interesting to see how the bikes are set up and to get a better sense of how they are positioned. I was very surprised when looking at Santiago Botero's Rock Racing Fuji to see that he rides almost the same size bike as Tyler Hamilton.

One of the hardest things about Interbike is trying to stay focused. I kept trying to develop a plan, looking at the exhibitor list and map, picking out people or things I wanted to see. But I would inevitably get sidetracked by something bright or shiny, change directions and end up walking around like I was in a labyrinth. I know some of the exhibitors must have thought I was stalking them as I wandered past their booth over and over again, feebly attempting to make my way to another location without getting distracted. Easier said than done.

While wandering the isles, Interbike provides attendees with an opportunity to confirm or challenge some preconceived notions about style and technology. For example, in addition to determining that I like steel bikes more than anything, I was also able to verify that Valverde's "Don Alejandro" Pinarello may have been an admirable concept but is flat-out ugly in real life. I knew that from earlier photos and video but it was nice to have physical confirmation of its heinousness.

On a related side-note, I was disappointed in the amount of Italian steel frames on display. I understand that there is value in the development of carbon fiber, but there is simply nothing sweeter to my eye than an elaborately lugged steel racing bicycle. There were some token track bikes and stuff but the coolest steel frames are now being made by smaller builders and not the old Italian classics. In fact, the Anniversary edition, chrome-lugged Schwinn Paramount may have been my favorite bike in the whole place. Who knew?

Another pro bike on display was Damiano Cunego's Wilier shown above. Again, I was startled by how tiny it was but pleased that it was an understated black-and-white rig, thankfully devoid of any Lampre pink or blue. The rep saw me checking the bike out, walks over and goes, "Damiano Cunego's Control."

To which I laughed and responded, "Ms. Cunego if you're nasty."

After realizing that he was not as familiar with Janet Jackson as I had assumed, I politely thanked him for his time and walked away covering the name on my show badge. In retrospect, I should have kept that one on the inside. Maybe a Fresh Prince joke would have been better.

I could go on about what it was like to attend Interbike...so I guess I will. Just not right now. The next installment will hopefully include some video of the rather fascinating Mandalay Bay Parking Lot Criterium which took place on Thursday evening. Good times...unless you were racing.

Caution: Biker Behind The Wheel

2008-09-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

Recently Recounted Random Tale You May Or May Not Find Interesting:

A couple weeks ago C-Mac and I decided to cruise up to Glenwood Springs to do a little canyon riding. As we’re heading west through the Rockies, this little, scraggly-haired guy in an Audi with two bikes in the back comes tearing up the slow lane on I-70 at about 100mph, only to maniacally swerve within 5 feet of my front bumper and back into the left lane when his path was cut by a truck going 50.

After a rare F-Bomb by yours truly, C-Mac (in an even rarer display of disgust) goes, "What a Bleep."

To which I immediately respond, "I think that was Roberto Gaggioli. I knew he was kind of crazy but...wow. I bet he gets pulled over. I guess he drives like he used to race."

After a couple more choice exchanges, I then educated C-Mac on R-Gag's career and how he was one of the first Italians I could recall that came over and feasted on American Crits back in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Rocking red shoes and looking more like the lead singer for RATT than a professional bike racer, R-Gag tore it up back in the day. No question about that.

I then recounted my memories of him winning in San Rafael when I was 12 years old, over the likes of Eric Heiden, Tom Schuler (the reigning USPRO Champ) and the rest of Team Slurpee and Team Tooth (Crest). On a side note, I recall Marianne Berglund winning the women’s event that day – and gaining many male fans in Marin along the way. I also remembered something about a rather shocking post-race assault later in Gag’s career as well. Oops. Dude, it’s all fun and games until someone gets assaulted with a wooden two-by-four.

Anyway, no more than a mile down after we got through the Eisenhower Tunnel, we see the Red and Blue Flash behind that very same Audi that nearly swept my front wheel back in Georgetown. NAILED.

I guess some people never stop shooting the gaps. Or getting involved with Five-O for being reckless. Or nearly killing me and my fiancé by driving like there is a cash prime at the next exit. I clapped louder when I saw that cop than I did back in San Rafael twenty years ago. Risking lives to get ahead is not cool – in a bike race, after a bike race or on the highway.

Not to preach too much, but I believe that how you drive is a clear reflection of your respect for life. Your own and those of everyone else out there with you. It’s not Pole Position and the risks of driving like a moron always outweigh the benefits. There is rarely a prize for being the fastest guy on the highway. Just an increased probability of a speeding ticket at best and a vehicular manslaughter conviction at the worst. Thankfully, R-Gag only has to deal with the former and not the latter – this time.

The Wayback Machine - 1999

2008-09-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

Time is relative. For many, 1999 may seem like it was just yesterday. For others, such as myself, 1999 feels like ancient history. In an effort to place Lance Armstrong’s pending comeback in a context relative to his first Tour victory, let’s take a quick trip down memory lane and re-educate ourselves on what life was like before we all realized that Y2K was just a massive practical joke.

So…we all know that 1999 was the first year that Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. But Prince’s favorite year also brought us a plethora of interesting headlines in both the Real World and the Cycling World.

Now let’s rev up the Flux Capacitor and look back at the following noteworthy events (at least for me) which took place in the year 1999:

- Gary Coleman filed for bankruptcy. Sadly, the primary reason I thought this was interesting was that I figured Arnold had been forced to do this much earlier. What you talkin’ ‘bout IRS?

1999 was just a bad year for the Diff’rent Strokes family altogether, as it marked the passing of Dana Plato as well. Generally remembered for her portrayal of Kimberly Drummond, I tend to recall her post-Strokes cameo on Growing Pains as the Madonna-esque, virginity-preying girlfriend of young Mike Seaver. But that’s just me…

- Ivan Gotti won the Giro d’Italia after Marco Pantani was disqualified for an excessive Hemocrit level prior to stage 21. Rumors that Ivan’s American cousin, notorious Mafioso John Gotti, was seen lurking in the Anti-Doping tent prior to the ejection have not been verified. I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’.

- The Denver Broncos won their second consecutive Super Bowl over the horrendous Atlanta Falcons and their unforgivable Dirty Bird routine. This event was important because it created a number of highly frustrating debates with Donkey fans about whether they were as good a franchise as my beloved San Francisco 49ers. Obviously I won all of these arguments with well-crafted (albeit obvious) statistical analysis but I generally just responded with, “Seriously? Please.”

- Andrea Tafi won Paris-Roubaix as the Mapei team swept the top three places. This was a watershed event as it provided the cycling world with some of the ugliest podium photos of all time.

- The Euro was introduced as a unifying form of European currency. Elsewhere the Dollar was quoted as saying, “Uh oh.”

- Jan Ullrich won the Vuelta a Espana. Many people overlook this result when reflecting on Ze German’s palmares but in retrospect, I believe this victory is best understood as irrefutable evidence of Spain’s sub-par pastry industry.

- The World population reached 6 Billion people. The U.N. reported that number 6,000,000,000 was born in Sarajevo then quietly asked, “We don’t actually have to prove that, do we?” Then they all had a good laugh.

- Jakob Piil won the USPRO Championship in Philly but Marty Jemison took the Stars and Stripes as the first American across the line. Despite recent events, it should be noted that Jemison did not punch any doctors in the face after the awards ceremony.

- Napster made its debut. I remember thinking that the whole MP3 thing was a fad as I tried to reconcile the many thousands of dollars I had already spent on crappy CD’s with one or two good songs on them.

- Oscar Freire won the first of his World Championships. Shortly after his victory officials requested verification of his nationality since many within the cycling community believed that a Spanish Sprinter was a mythological creature from the past – like Unicorns or a French Tour de France winner.

- Boris Yeltsin resigned as President of Russia. I don’t recall this being terribly important to me at the time but in retrospect, I find it curious that this event seems to make 1999 seem like a very long time ago. At least physically, Yeltsin always reminded me of Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson. Okay, I’m starting to run out of events now…

- Frank Vandenbroucke won Liege-Bastogne-Liege. The Belgian hero then proceeded to fall victim to a number of scandals and catapulted himself into The Mike Tyson Zone, at which point nothing he did seemed too outrageous. How this guy is still making headlines in 2008 is beyond me, but then again, we still see Iron Mike in the news from time to time as well. When Frankie starts getting face tattoos and biting people’s ears during races, then it’s officially over.

Interestingly, when researching the events of 1999 I have come to find that a number of high profile deaths occurred. In addition to the aforementioned Ms. Plato, the passing of Walter Payton, John F. Kennedy Jr., Payne Stewart, Charlie Byrd, Grover Washington Jr., Curtis Mayfield and George C. Scott all took place that year. But perhaps most significantly, the legendary Wilt Chamberlain (the greatest record-holder ever) hung up his shorts for the last time in 1999 – thus putting the final touch on a lifetime of truly remarkable endurance which will never be matched. Not even if Lance wins number 8.

Man, 1999 seems like a long time ago…

Act Like You Know - Or Don't

2008-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Knowledge is Power. Ignorance is Bliss.

Would you prefer to be powerful or blissful?

To be clear, I am not talking about wattage output or that first ride on a new race bike here. Although this is a good indication that the answer to the above question is obviously dependent on one’s definition of the terms involved.

To be more specific, would you rather have prestige and influence or complete happiness? See, now the question takes on a little different meaning.

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” - Confucius

All beings have knowledge thrust upon them simply as a function of experience. What we choose to do with this knowledge varies but we all come to know the world in which we live through actions both willfully taken and begrudgingly endured. Therefore, we are all inherently ignorant (happy) and only come to obtain knowledge (prestige and influence) as a result of the overwhelmingly random circumstances by which our lives are dictated.

Well, yeah. No duh. What’s your point?

In keeping with this theme, I don’t know the answer to that question. But I have been thinking a lot lately about how “knowledge” and “ignorance” can radically influence our experience as sports fans. Unfortunately, the two qualities are not mutually exclusive and the followers of professional cycling, in particular, must often weigh the powerful benefits of knowing about the sport against the ignorant bliss of appreciation without skepticism or awareness of past transgressions.

For example, I have been fascinated by the response to Tyler Hamilton’s USPRO Championship victory and the resulting emotions it has stirred within the cycling community. All greater issues of penance and punishment aside, the uproar created by his recent success shows how the assumption of knowledge can cloud the possibility of ignorance and illustrates the depths to which people internalize their own subjective version of the truth. This is truly fascinating stuff from a perch on the Ivory Tower but not so pretty from road-level.

“Better to know nothing than half-know many things.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

It is clear that many will simply never forgive Hamilton for having tested positive and steadfastly proclaimed his innocence. These individuals have taken their “knowledge” of various events and have come to the conclusion that he is undeserving of their admiration as a human being, let alone as a bike racer. They are unable or unwilling to overcome the baggage of past headlines and are thus prevented from appreciating the value of current performances. This is not meant as a judgment on these people, it is simply a fact proven by comments and behavior in this context.

But if one were ignorant of Hamilton’s past and took his victory on face value alone, it would be a remarkable example of determination, strength and courage to overcome the odds. He was woefully outnumbered by the Garmin-Chipotle riders but was still able to find a way to win – despite the many challenges that he faced that day. He played his tactics to near-perfection and still had enough left in the tank to win the final sprint, despite having to do most of the work to stay away over the final kilometers. I would argue that if anyone but Hamilton had won the Stars and Stripes jersey in the same fashion, he would be universally praised. But unfortunately for Tyler, his Rock Racing kit will always be stained with the scarlet letter of a “convicted doper” for many within the cycling community.

“Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.” – Albert Einstein

Now, it is certainly not my intention to get into a debate about Hamilton’s past guilt or innocence. Regardless of the data presented by both sides, the reality is that very few people will ever know the full story. Perhaps thankfully, I am not one of those people. But the position I find myself in as a follower of cycling is one of choosing to find pleasure and value in the present or allowing my so-called “knowledge” of the sport to damage my appreciation of it. At this point it is impossible to be completely ignorant and blissful but sometimes I wish I could stop being so skeptical and critical as a result of my not-very powerful knowledge.

But then again…

“If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.” – Isaac Asimov

The reality of the situation – or at least what my experience allows me to assume – is that we are all fallible. Our actions are not always pure and our knowledge is not always correct. We go through life rationalizing our own decisions while criticizing those of others. Like all animals, we are often jealous and spiteful and unforgiving. Thankfully, as human beings we have been given the gift of self-reflection and have ample opportunities to prove that the human condition is not as nasty as history would lead us to believe.

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.” – Mark Twain

Or perhaps it is even nastier. History clearly illustrates that Power is a corrupting force so maybe Ignorance isn’t so bad after all.

The Beijing Olympics - Where 13 Is The New 16

2008-08-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, first of all…when did Bob Costas start imitating Johnny Carson? Is it the late night programming or what? If it weren’t for the mysterious absence of ANY gray hair (can you say “Just For Men”?), you would think it was JC, not BC, up there doing scripted monologues and interviewing people on couches. Where’s Ed McMahon when you need him? I hear he could probably use the work. “Heeeere’s Bobby!”

I really do like The Games though, even if I have to reconcile some serious issues with the host country, Al Trautwig, and the IOC in an effort to truly appreciate the athletes. Part of me just can’t help but be skeptical of a few performances but for the most part, the Olympics provide an opportunity to see the best of the best - often competing in events that hardly anyone will care about for another 3 years and 60 some-odd days. “Hello Badminton, my name is Field Hockey. Have you met Synchronized Diving? Didn’t think so.”

In cycling news, our often marginalized sport (but still better than Archery) did its best to distinguish itself by providing the first positive doping test of the Games. Which was nice. Way to go Spain - between this and the Basketball photos (seriously…?), you’re really the life of the party. It’s only the Olympics – no one’s watching anyway. Except, of course, many of the people who would rather see Checkers or some other weak “sport” replace anything with two wheels. See: WADA. Sweet timing.

The most interesting part about this doping story is that Moreno bugged out prior to the race and never even made the start, blaming her withdrawal on an “anxiety attack” after being tested on the first day of her arrival in Beijing. Yeah, I’d probably be a little anxious too – especially if I knew I was cheating and had a good chance of getting popped in both pre and post-race tests. Perhaps it could have been called an “anxiety/conscience attack.” That voice in your head can get pretty loud sometimes. Too bad she didn’t listen to it earlier.

In other news, the Men’s Road Race looked pretty rough from the 10 minutes of footage I was fortunate enough to catch over the course of about 17 hours of programming. I really liked how they showed the first clip of the start at like 9:30 in the morning, had three or four 60 second clips between then and noon, and then showed a whole 6 minutes of the finale at 11:00 at night. That was rad. Okay, it may not have been that strung out, but I do have a completely used 6-hour tape that supposedly has the race on it – I just can’t seem to find it amid the excitement of Beach Volleyball, Knitting and Toad Licking or some other crap. Thanks NBC – now I hate peacocks.

Anyway, the race played out as most people thought it would, with the field gradually succumbing to the course and conditions, thus allowing the big names to fight for the medals. Andy Schleck appeared to be the strongest on the day but was completely marked by Slammin Sammy Sanchez and Davide Rebellin. Everyone thought that there would be an Italian and a Spaniard fighting for the win but most eyes were on Bettini and Valverde, thus giving their less notorious teammates a chance at Gold. The best move of the day was certainly the effort of Fabulous Cancellara, who rode everyone in the chase group off his wheel, bridged up past Rogers and Kolobnev to the leaders and then grabbed the bronze ahead of a fading Schleck.

If it weren’t for the bronze medal that The Mayor of Santa Rosa brought back to the Golden State from the TT, I may have had to comment on the footage of Levi seemingly marking Fab-Can’s move and then looking around and sitting up. Oh wait, I guess I just did. Now…it would be rather foolish to suggest that anyone in the world could have gone with The Swiss Cheese at that point but man…it would have been nice if LL Cool Heimer could have held that wheel and been able to contest the final climb with the leaders. Oh well…11th in the RR and Bronze in the TT has to be regarded as a great week.

So…to the surprise of virtually no one, Nicole Cooke and a Spanish guy won the Road Race while Cancellara and Kristin Armstrong took Gold in the Time Trial. I think we saw those results coming. It’s pretty cool that AAA Armstrong has her own Cervelo commercial though. I can’t recall many female cyclists getting that kind of publicity – and she certainly deserves it. Amazingly, her result was the first Road Gold (not to be confused with Rold Gold – “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”) medal for the U.S. since 1984. Wow. Would it be too early to start putting Armstrong near the top of the list for U.S. women all time? Actually, the World Championship already did that so I guess we’re probably already past that point. Super nice lady too – way to go KA.

Speaking of famous female cyclists (Connie is still Numero Uno for those who don’t know), The Phinney Family logged some good airtime as Taylor slugged it out on the track in the newly renamed Bradley Wiggins Pursuit and Davis continued to inspire all Parkinson’s sufferers. I vividly remember DP telling me that he was trying to convince Mini-Phinney to race the Pursuit a little over a year ago and that he had an outside chance at the Olympics. I didn’t think too much of it at the time but in retrospect, I am amazed at how it has all unfolded and the wisdom of Davis’ prediction. Understanding that NBC was going to broadcast the event sometime on Saturday, I happily watched the Points Race on the USA network and was momentarily thankful that multiple cycling events were going to be on TV that day. Nice.

This brief state of pleasure was subsequently shattered upon flipping back to NBC and realizing that I had missed the beginning of the Pursuit coverage because it was being broadcast at THE SAME TIME as the Points Race. Then my head exploded as I tried to come to grips with the fact that the Donkeys in charge of Olympic programming had decided to basically screw those of us who actually thought we were going to be able to watch all of the events without the need for multiple television sets.

Honestly, have they done that with ANY other sports so far? I don’t recall having seen gymnastics or swimming literally competing for viewers on multiple channels at the same time. They couldn’t have staggered the airtime by 30 minutes so we could watch both? Really? Everything is tape-delayed anyway – so what was the problem? There has been some seriously heinous stuff going on at The Games but for me…the programming has been the most problematic by far. Well…maybe not by far.

Every time I start to get excited about watching an event, they inevitably cut to something that I could not possibly care less about. I am still recovering from the small brain hemorrhage I suffered the other night as they repeatedly tempted me with the possibility of 400m coverage and then force-fed me an hour of diving and gymnastics as an unwanted appetizer.

Thankfully, I did get to see my peeps Jeremy Wariner and LaShawn Merritt cruise to ridiculously easy 44’s in their 400 meter qualifiers and then reflected on some good memories of not running nearly that fast back in my School Days. Sadly though, I also watched Sanya Richards basically choke on her “accessories” in the Women’s Final, and get third in a disturbingly slow race. Honestly, did anyone else take issue with the amount of crap she had on during that race? The ridiculous arm warmers (style is not THAT important), the absolutely incomprehensible leg warmers (which were comically bagged up around her ankles as she flailed down the final straight), not to mention the 5 pound engagement ring from her NFL fiancée and half-dozen earrings and necklaces? Not to be too critical but…I ran those times as an 8th grader. But then again, all I had on was a track kit and not the entire contents of my Mom’s jewelry box.

I’ve always wondered about the jewelry/accessories thing in cycling as well. How many dudes will drill holes in their derailleur cages and then wear a huge watch or necklace while they race. Huh? Am I missing something here? I know that there is a weight limit for the bikes but don’t the pounds you carry on your body have something to do with the end result as well?

Anyway…Here are some final thoughts on the Olympics so far:

- How frustrating must it have been as an American swimmer this year? “Hey, you just won an Olympic medal so…what’s it like to see Michael Phelps win eight gold ones?” or “Good job setting that World Record in the relay…what would you have felt like if you had lost the gold medal for Michael Phelps?” or “Congratulations on being one of the best swimmers in the world…can you get me Michael Phelps’ autograph since he is so much better than you?”

Honestly, I couldn’t believe how dismissive many of the interviews were toward the other swimmers. Especially the relays - where they would have all four guys standing there after the race answering questions about Michael Phelps. I felt bad for the other guys but I also felt bad for Phelps. Somehow I think he’ll come out of it okay (the $100 million earnings projection will help) but it’s got to be difficult being on a “team” when the focus is so squarely on one person. But until he wins gold by swimming all four legs of the relay – let’s maintain some appreciation for the other athletes okay?

- Usain Bolt is a scary guy. He’s 6’5” and has a beautifully athletic running style but I am very nervous about him. Well, I should actually say that I am nervous about almost all Caribbean sprinters as they dance away with an overwhelming majority of the speed-related hardware – with nary an off-season drug test to disrupt their preparation or celebration.

But Bolt in particular is terrifying. The ease with which he mocked the 100m World Record was eerily reminiscent of a young Italian athlete who did some shocking things in the Tour de France a month or so ago. What was his name again…Ricky something? Anyway, the Lightning Bolt then proceeded to crush the 200meter World Record and immediately occupied a place atop my “I don’t know about this guy” list by dethroning my main man Michael Johnson in the record book and displacing Carl Lewis as the most recent 100 and 200 winner. Sorry man, I hope you’re clean but you just punked two of my favorite athletes of all time so…let’s just say my curiosity has been piqued.

Plus – the showboating and post-race foolishness (seriously, who poses like that? Tyra?), combined with an apparent total lack of humility or respect for any other athletes (past or present) has been a bit difficult to tolerate and has not exactly endeared the young man to my particular tastes. Or Jacques Rogge’s for that matter. When the notoriously lenient IOC Chief starts dissing you in public – perhaps you’ve stretched the boundaries of sportsmanship a little too far.

Maybe the wounds inflicted by the Ricco Show at the Tour are still too fresh, but anytime someone makes it look too easy and is exceedingly arrogant in doing so (like they KNOW that they have an extra advantage), I can’t help but get suspicious. Unless, of course, the athlete is named Michael Phelps and is incapable of human error - as the U.S. media would seemingly have us believe. At least he was respectful of Mark Spitz and the other swimmers though. Ugh…I don’t know anymore.

Anyway, as the shocking paperwork declaring all of the Chinese gymnasts over 16 years of age seems to indicate…perhaps not all is as it seems at these Olympic Games. Oh…you think so Doctor? Whatever, I’m off to go put on some Marley and crack open a Red Stripe in honor of the fastest country in the world. Let the chips – medals and World Records – fall where they may.

Fanning The Flames Of Fanaticism

2008-08-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

For various reasons, I have taken some time recently to contemplate the psychological components of being a professional sports fan and specifically, an American fan of pro cycling. While I have not conducted any clinical research, I consider myself a 30+ year-old, passionate case study and am fairly confident in the validity of my conclusions. I will begin by examining some concrete traits and then move on to the more intangible elements of perception. And we all know that perception is reality, right?

As always, there is room for interpretation in this process and while I have attempted to maintain a certain level of objectivity, it should be acknowledged that my personal feelings on this subject have been developed over many years of informal data collection. I say informal because I was rarely graded or paid for my efforts, but in reality I have pursued knowledge of the sport with equal or greater vigor than any educational or occupational pursuits. Additionally, since the overwhelming majority of my experience with this subject has taken place within the United States, it is also important to note that my conclusions are based on the unique experience of following a largely European sport from an American cultural perspective.

One of the primary elements of the typical American cycling fan or “U.S. Cycle Racing Advocates and Zealots for Entertainment and Excitement (U.S.C.R.A.Z.E.E.)” is the physical connection to the racers. This is important when distinguishing an “average” European fan versus the typical American fan for a number of reasons. Due to the widespread cultural importance of cycling in many European countries, there is a level of interest which transcends the boundaries of individual participation and extends into the general public far more so than in the United States. In the U.S., the majority of fans are cyclists themselves and have an inherent appreciation for the act of cycling. As such, there is a strong identification with the riders as like-minded people with similar interests and behavioral patterns.

Danish National Cyclocross Champion Joaquim Parbo recently commented on this phenomenon after having spent the last few seasons in Boulder and participating in many U.S. events. Essentially, Parbo claimed that while there may be more spectators at European races, the fans of cycling in the States are far more respectful and understanding of the riders because they are often cyclists as well. He followed this statement with stories of wading through cigarette smoke, beer, hecklers and the more “average” sports fans at European events. Sound familiar to anyone?

In this respect, the typical European cycling fan may be more similar to the typical American Football fan who probably never even played the game but is able to find entertainment in the sport in a more “common” fashion. Anyone who has been to a major professional sporting event in the U.S. can infer what I mean here but for clarity – I am not exactly praising the motives, vocabulary and hygiene of the “common” American sports fan. Is there a European equivalent to the Oakland Raider Nation?

Anyway, at this point it will be helpful to identify the basic reasons that people become fans of a sport to begin with. The driving forces that make people sports fans, have been studied by psychologists, such as Dan Wann at Murray State University and they generally attribute people becoming fans to the following factors:

Entertainment - Sports spectatorship is a form of leisure. “Except for all the Donkeys who run alongside the riders in the Mountains. That’s got to be pretty hard when you’re that drunk.”

Escapism - Being a fan gives one an excuse to yell at something, an activity that may be constrained in other areas of one's life. “What other sport allows drunken spectators to yell and spit right in the face of the athletes as they perform nearly inhuman feats of strength and endurance?”

Euphoria/Stress - Fans experience euphoria during moments when play is going well for their team, and stress when play is going against their team. This generates pleasure. “Two of the happiest days of my life were when LeMond beat Fignon in 1989 and when Landis made his comeback in 2006. Two of the saddest were when Hamilton got popped in the Vuelta and when Floyd cracked in the yellow jersey. Don’t even get me started on the Giants and Niners.”

Aesthetics - Some people are fans simply because they appreciate the aesthetics of the game, such as the precision or skill of play. “Bike racing may be a little hard for some people to appreciate but generally speaking, guys like things that go fast and crash a lot and ladies like hairless dudes in tight shorts. There is obviously a lot more to it than that – but we are talking about Americans here.”

Family Bonding - Fans going on a family outing to watch a sports event form a psychological bond with one another as a family. “This is where the future of cycling in America is going to come from. People who grew up in the LeMond/7-Eleven/Armstrong eras are starting to have lots of kids. And many of them have a lot of money to spend. Would you rather have a child that races bikes or plays football?”

Self-esteem - Fans identify with their teams to the extent that they consider themselves successful when their teams have been successful. “I have always been fascinated by the strength of this phenomenon and am certain that much of the Lance Armstrong Effect was purely a result of his dominance in the Tour as a proud, flag-waving American. Regardless, there is a palpable confidence which comes from supporting a winner. Unless, of course, you happen to be from France.”

It is clear from this academic analysis that actual physical participation in the sport itself is not high on the list of motivating forces for becoming a fan. Interestingly, professional bicycle racing provides all of the driving factors listed above but has not grown in popularity to the extent that it has been able to draw in casual American sports fans. The Lance Armstrong Effect was the closest we have come to having non-cyclists comprise a significant portion of American cycling fans but since his retirement, many of these followers have left the sport behind largely because they were following a personal interest story rather than bike racing.

And here is where the perceptual element of being a cycling fan in America gets tricky. If you are like me, the L.A. Effect was appreciated for its presentation of the sport to an audience that would otherwise never have taken an interest but at the same time, it generated a mild resentment for the occasionally blatant “Band Wagon” followers. I wrote an article about this a while back that kind of sums up my thoughts on the whole deal.

In this respect, bicycle racing in the United States is kind of like your favorite band or TV show that hasn’t really gotten popular yet. There is a certain sense of pride that we are among the few individuals sophisticated enough to follow this marginalized sport/band/program without it being crammed down our throats by the mainstream media. As such, there is often a resulting desire to determine the “real” fans from those who have hopped on the Band Wagon of rising popularity. For example, I loved the first couple Black Eyed Peas albums but after they started getting popular, I moved on and let the Fergie Generation have them.

The L.A. Effect was a perfect example of this phenomenon as the development of the New Lance Fans began to overshadow the Old Cycling Fans in both visibility and commercial value. No matter how good that NRC race or early season Semi-Classic was, it just can’t match the broad marketability of a group of cancer survivors on a charity ride. And just like Bridging The Gaps is a far better song, My Humps is the one that made the BEP’s millions of dollars.

There is no denying that the Lance Armstrong Effect took the sport of cycling in the U.S. to a point of cultural importance which it likely would not have reached otherwise. For this, I believe most fans are truly grateful – despite the fact that we now have a former bike racer as tabloid fodder. But here lies the problem as well.

Cycling fans in the United States have historically been part of a small but extremely passionate group. When the sport grew in popularity (albeit somewhat artificially inflated by the L.A. Effect) during the Texas Occupation of France, many of the long-term followers rebelled against the resulting spotlight. I cannot speak for everyone, but it seems that many fans had difficulty accepting that their beloved sport had “sold out” to a certain extent. Perhaps those fans forgot about the old Taco Bell ads that Greg LeMond did, but still, it was odd recognizing that the sport had grown beyond the confines of VeloNews and into the realm of US Weekly.

At this point, I feel it may be necessary to acknowledge that the average cycling fan in the U.S. identifies with the riders – not necessarily other fans. This is important in that it is almost entirely opposite of the experience of average fans in other sports. The next time you go to a Football, Baseball or Basketball game, take a look around see how many people have absolutely no interest in the action taking place in the competition. There is a social component to the typical American sports fan which often elevates camaraderie (and inebriation) over competition and the sport itself.

It is also far easier for the average cycling fan to identify with Christian Vande Velde or Carlos Sastre than it is for Joe Sports Fan to identify with LeBron James or Tom Brady. Most of us are not 6’9” and even fewer of us have dated Giselle Bundschen. Therefore, many cycling fans are almost over-protective of many professionals because there is a sense of kinship that does not exist in many other sports. The life of pro football, baseball and basketball players is so foreign to most of us – both physically and financially – that they almost cease to be human. As a result, the treatment of these athletes by their fanbase can range from complete idol-worship to complete disdain and criticism.

This final point is worth looking into in greater detail and I will expand on this premise shortly. But in the meantime, I will offer a few internal dilemmas:

I want cycling to grow in popularity. But…I want it to be popular with people I like and respect. Unfortunately, I often do not like or respect many of my fellow Americans.

I want cycling to get to a point where it can be discussed intelligently and critically, similar to the broad range of coverage styles of “ESPN-level” sports, where there is little concern about offending the hyper-sensitivities of any particular fanbase. But…I also want to continue defending the sport as a whole. This may seem contradictory but I feel that by both defending and criticizing the sport of cycling, there is an opportunity to promote the sport and make it more intellectually stimulating as well.

I want cycling to be given the respect it deserves in the United States for making headway in the Fight Against Doping while all of the other sports have stuck their heads in the sand. But…I also want the topic of cheating to remove itself from all of the mainstream coverage of the sport. Even though cycling has been more proactive against doping than any other sport, it will continue to be cast as a venue for cheaters simply because efforts are being made to successfully catch them.

Again, I will delve more into these issues in the future. Now…off to Beijing where cycling is a big fish compared to events like synchronized swimming and archery. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.

TdF - Just One More Thing...

2008-08-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

This one is for all of the fellow fans of Lieutenant Columbo out there. Not to be confused with Rolf Aldag, also known as Lieutenant Columbia. You thought you were done with the Tour commentary, didn’t you? Not so fast.

- Okay, whose idea was it to have Pat Reilly and Michael Douglas on the stage when Carlos Sastre was presented with the yellow jersey on Alpe d’Huez? That individual should not be allowed to get anywhere near the Tour de France ever again. Did Sastre even know who they were? Was he back there asking Douglas about his nude scenes with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? Was he blinded by Pat Reilly’s oil-slick hairdo and luminescent tan?

Oh…Just one more thing. Is it just me or do Dwyane Wade’s coach and Catherine Zeta-Jones’ husband actually kind of look alike? The more I think about it, when Douglas played Gordon Gecko in Wall Street he was basically just doing a Pat Reilly impression. The ego, the greed, the win-at-all-costs attitude and especially the greasy, greasy hairdo. How did I not notice that earlier?

- How much of a relief was it to see Damiano Cunego drop out of the Tour? After getting shelled on every climb, crashing nearly every day and then literally tasting cement in Stage 18, the Fresh Prince was yet another belated victim of my Nickname Jinx. Sorry man. I wouldn’t wish two and a half weeks like that on anyone.

Oh…Just one more thing. How many more Grand Tours is Cunego going to disappoint himself and his fans in before he starts hedging his GC chances and going for stage wins and the Classics? Seriously, there is no reason that he should be putting himself (or us, for that matter) through this anymore. It’s like watching a spider try to keep itself from going down the drain. Brutal. The tattoo makes it even worse.

- Is Carlos Barredo just a total punk or what? It seemed like he pulled out every cheap trick in the book to take advantage of Marcus Burghardt and still got served in the finale of Stage 18. Serves him right actually. It was almost comical to watch him try to cheap-shot his way to a stage win. Sorry Booredo, the Cycling Gods do not look kindly on guys who attack their breakaway companions when they are trying to zip up their jersey 10km from the finish and then act like a chicken-with-it’s-head-cut-off for the remainder of the race. Have some respect man.

Oh…Just one more thing. Did you see his tantrum at the finish? What kind of Donkey finishes second by meters, uselessly throws his bike and then makes more dramatic gestures with both hands than the guy who actually won? Seriously, I hope his teammates or directors heckled him about that. Or his Mom.

- I hate to ask this but…was Robbie Ventura wearing a Woman’s belt and pants on the early Versus coverage? Not that I usually pick up on these things, but C-Mac pointed out his pleated khakis and woven leather belt the other day as we were going through the VHS tapes and…I have to say I was a little confused. Maybe that’s why he got a little high-pitched while he was in the Garmin-Chipotle car and in some of the post-race interviews with Vande Velde. Gotta love the excitement though RV. Maybe they weren’t clear about the wardrobe requirements in the pre-race meetings but I think he stuck with the flat-fronts eventually.

Oh…Just one more thing. Did Bruyneel really put the Lance Hex on Frankie Andreu to keep him off the Prime Time coverage? Cyclingfansanonymous pointed this out earlier and I think there may be some real validity to it. I understand that things may not be easy breezy between Johan and Frankie but still…I wonder what kind of conversations have gone on behind the scenes over there. Bruyneel does bring some things to the table in the coverage but Frankie has a certain style that I have come to appreciate and look forward to. I can’t really get a read on Johan. He’s a little too reserved for me to believe that he actually commented on everything he noticed. He was clearly scouting for 2009.

- How much energy did Cadel Evans waste by being so impatient and hyper-sensitive with the press during the Tour? Was it enough to cost him the race? Personally, I think his demeanor and stress was the difference. He can blame his team as much as he wants but his attitude off the bike could have cost him the Yellow Jersey. I cannot comprehend the pressure he was under but still, he has been a Pro for a long time and did not seem to handle it all very well. I have a lot of respect for Cadel and again, cannot begin to understand what he was going through but I think I called this one a while ago. Sorry mate, I really do hope you can beat Contador next year but some things are going to have to change. Most notably in the old melon.

Oh…Just one more thing. Did anyone else catch the comment that Evans made prior to the final stage when asked about the difference between 1st and 2nd in the Tour? His immediate response was “Many hundreds of thousands of Euros.” Wow, okay. While he may be totally correct from a financial perspective…that was a pretty crass thing to say. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not, but I am always fascinated by how consistently money reveals itself as a terrible motivator for professional athletes. Those who succeed in the highest levels of sport are often driven far more by internal motivation than external. Do you think Carlos Sastre or Christian Vande Velde would have said something like that? Even as a joke?

- Am I the only one still waiting for the final lab tests to come back before I really feel a sense of closure to the Tour de France? It’s probably the residual effect of the Landis victory (I will always call it that) which forces a certain sense of fear beyond the Champs Elysees that I cannot escape. Sad but true.

Oh…Just one more thing. Despite concerns about the ASO and all of the negative headlines, is the Tour de France still the greatest sporting event in the world? Maybe only Lieutenant Columbo knows for sure.

TdF Pre TT Recap - Teen Wolf, Ditka and Fish

2008-07-25T10:51:00.001-07:00

Now that we have had sufficient time to forget the illusions of Ricky Ricardo and Dilated Piepoli, this seems like a good opportunity to look back on the last week or so and see what aftertastes are lingering from our menu of TdF goodness. Let us all ignore (momentarily) the mess left by Saunier-Robert Duval-Byron Scott and the other misfits, while acknowledging (begrudgingly) the repercussions of stringent testing and appreciating (thoroughly) the outstanding performances of a largely clean Tour. Okay?

Okay.

Mark Cavendish – Kind of fast

The young speedster whom I have now dubbed “Teen Wolf” made a shamockery of the bunch sprints of the 2008 Tour de France. I'm still not sure if he is more of a Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman version but time will tell. It’s actually difficult to comment on Cav's wins because he generally makes it look absurdly easy to jump 5-10 spots and then open a 3 bike-length gap in the last 200 meters. Team Columbia was very strong and the field was Petacchi and Boonen-less but still…it’s just not that easy.

One of my favorite parts about the Cavendish Experience is the guaranteed post-race interview awkwardness. He is exceedingly grateful to his teammates and usually answers most questions with references to them - Good job so far PR guys. But then he always manages to sneak in a “If I’m anywhere near the front I will win for sure” kind of line which just totally ruins the façade of humility.

And his look of “Well…yeah. Duh” whenever the interviewer says that he proved he is the fastest, is absolutely great. Someone get this kid a self-esteem coach. He needs to work on the confidence. Sorry Meatball, but lookout Beijing.

Danny Pate – Close but no paté

It was another close call for the Garmin-Chipotle crew as Danny The Pate made the break and finished third in one of the hardest mountain stages in the Tour. Following up Frischkorn’s effort in Stage 3, it seems that the U.S. rookies are handling the biggest race in the world with remarkable courage and some darn good form.

Although it was especially heartbreaking to watch the final meters and post-race interview, The Pate should be proud of the effort and continues to prove that you can get to the top without compromising yourself. I just hope nobody called him Paté in the French press room.

Vande Velde – Better than Ditka

Staying with the Garmin-Chipotle theme, how about Christian Vande Velde? The kid from Illinois is making the Super Fans proud and again, setting a great example of a good guy, getting great results, the right way. Even Ditka could learn a thing or two from VDV.

The crash after getting detached on the Col de la Bonette will probably sneak into the “D’oh” column in his career retrospective but may actually be a good motivator for the TT on Saturday. I believe that he has a good ride left in him and certainly think that he can get on the podium if things go his way in the race of truth.

Regardless, the Chicago-land area is better known for Downers Grove and crit racing so it’s pretty cool to see VDV succeeding in France. Perhaps all his years in Boulder have a little something to do with that though. Actually, I wonder if he maybe he had a flashback of the annual carnage of Downers Grove after going so hard to bridge back up on the climb that caused him to crash on the descent. Just like home eh VDV?

Crashes and Descents – Winning and Losing the Hard Way

Speaking of crashing and descending, it seems like this Tour has been chock-full of both. Just about all of the favorites have hit the deck so far but there has also been an element of importance on descending in this year’s GC race that I don’t recall seeing much in the past. All crashes aside, I really enjoy the element of danger and risk that emerges when there is a tough descent near the finish of a stage. I’m guessing that Luis-Leon-Spinks Sanchez feels the same way after making his stage-winning move on the downslope.

Now, we all know that Pereiro has a flair for spectacular biffs but his aerial techniques apparently still need a little work. Matt Hoffman he is not. And as a result, his crash over the guardrail and onto the road below in Stage 15 was literally a nightmare. When the initial report came in that he had broken his femur (the biggest bone in the human body!) I felt like I was going to puke. Thankfully, he managed to escape with merely a fractured scapula so I ended up with just a little heartburn instead. I would imagine all the guys who had to ride past him as he lay screaming on the ground got a little verklempt as well.

Jon-Lee Hooker Augustyn’s Superman impression down the hillside was pretty scary at first but became somewhat comical once it was clear he was okay. Do we know if his bike ever stopped? Did he send a thank you note to the spectator that just happened to be standing there and helped him back up? These are the questions being overlooked in the Prime Time coverage.

Anyway, it will be interesting to see if the time that Menchov lost to Sastre, Evans and the Schlecks on the descent of the Bonette will come back to haunt him. I am always amazed that guys can work so hard and be so good on the climbs and then just lose it all back on the descent. It’s not a physiological issue – it’s all technique and mentality. To potentially lose the Tour de France because you can’t hold wheels on a descent is borderline inexcusable. Come on, you’re a Professional.

Bernhard Kohl – The Fish?

I have had the opportunity to see Bernhard Kohl up close and personal at the last few editions of the Tour of California and wasn’t really sure what to think of him. He’s a pretty tiny guy but his head is gigantic – so he kind of looks like a little kid on the bike.

But after watching him “swim” up the climbs of the 2008 Tour de France, as Bob Roll so eloquently described, I have become a huge fan of the young Austrian. I generally appreciate athletes with a lot of style and grace but often root for the guys that do it their own way – even if it looks weird. Kohl’s head-bobbing and swaying are almost like Jim Furyk’s golf swing or Rick Barry’s free throw shooting technique. Not exactly the prettiest to watch but certainly successful in getting the job done.

Now we just need to get Kohl a good nickname. I was thinking about “The Fish” but maybe we can do better than that. Perhaps “Porcupine Fish?” or “Puffer?” Hmm, I’m going to need to work on this one some more.

Sastre – It’s about time, literally and figuratively

There is not a single rider at the Tour de France that deserves to wear the yellow jersey more than Carlos Sastre. The diminutive Spaniard who Bjarne Riis and I call “Cahlos” has ridden a virtually spotless race so far and probably has the most accumulated credit in his Tour Luck Account. Plus, he’s just a really nice guy and has something like a dozen kids to take care of at home so he’s certainly going to be the sentimental favorite.

I also think that it would be fitting for CSC to win the Tour. They have been the best team so far and have really made the race exciting from a tactical standpoint. Say what you want about Bjarne Riis but the guy is like the Karl Rove of bike racing. Even though many people may not care for him – almost everyone respects his cunning and tactical sense. Plus, anyone that can put together a team like that needs to be recognized as a phenomenal leader. The whole team is a bunch of badasses but they all toe the company line because they know who they’ll have to answer to if they step out of it. I’d like to make a documentary called “CSC’s Brain.”

Anyway, Cahlos may not have gotten as much time on Evans as he would have hoped but I still believe that he can limit his losses and keep the jersey into Paris. The situation in last year’s final TT was very similar and Evans was not able to dislodge Contador. I see the same thing playing out this year except the gaps may be even smaller. Cattle has just been a little too rattled and tense, while Cahlos has been “muy tranquilo.” That will be the difference.

At the end of the day, or at the end of Saturday to be more specific, I see Sastre holding off Cattle Evans by a few seconds with Schleck holding on for 3rd, Menchov in 4th and Vande Velde slotting into 5th. It’s going to be tense for everyone and I just hope there are no mechanical issues that influence the GC.

Chavanel actually won a stage (I kid, but Sylvia has been working hard and deserved some success), so clearly anything can happen in this Tour de France. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait.

Excuses

2008-07-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

Thoughts while not going as fast as I should...

Stay tuned for more Tour thoughts shortly. There may even be an interview or two in store from some of the Garmin-Chipotle crew in the next couple of days.

Peace.

COBRA vs The CaliRado Jinx

2008-07-17T08:03:00.001-07:00

For the record, I am certain that I jinxed my beloved San Francisco Giants in Game 6 of the 2002 World Series by simply uttering the phrase "We're only six outs away." The fact that the Angels made a remarkable comeback and that I was in my livingroom in Colorado at the time is irrelevant. I was almost as much to blame as Felix Rodriguez. Almost.

My jinxing abilities were also on display during the 2007 Tour when I wrote a "creative" post on Alexandre Vinokourov and his fascination with funk legend Rick James. A day later, Vino was booted from the race for blood doping and my Cold Blooded Super Freak reference suddenly became much more than a joke. Sorry Vino, my bad. Again, this was totally my fault and had nothing to do with the boosted blood in his veins.

After recent news from France that Ricardo Ricco has tested positive for traces of EPO, it seems that The Cobra is the latest victim of my jinxing skills. I think the final straw was when I busted out the Photoshop and put the Cobra logo on his jersey in my post the other day. He was pretty much doomed after that. Again, I feel responsible for this somehow. Perhaps I should be more careful about where I aim my anti-mojo gun next time.

With the departure of Moreau as a potential target for the next CaliRado Jinx, it will be interesting to see who is next on the list. I kind of feel like Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone, only my visions are largely humorous and generally include various popular culture references. Thankfully I don't see the people die - just their careers. Farewell Cobra, it was [sort of] fun while it lasted.

"You should see what I see..."

TdF Perspective - Respect The Leprechaun

2008-07-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

The Cycling World, myself included, has a tendency to lose some perspective during the Tour de France. Which is understandable, considering the beauty, scale and drama of the event. But as we watch, almost hypnotized, as the riders fly along at truly breathtaking speeds, it is easy to forget just how many levels of the sport exist beneath the glamour and spectacle of Le Grande Boucle.

While the Tour may be the premier event in bicycle racing, it should be noted that the core of the sport and the heart of its future, lies squarely within the public. Within those of us who have been fortunate enough to find our passion on two wheels, whether our own or those of the professionals who push the limits of athletic performance for our entertainment. The racers at the Tour represent the pinnacle of performance on the bike but the foundation is built on the masses that move at a far slower speed.

Although I have grown somewhat skeptical of her judgment recently, perhaps Whitney Houston said it best when she famously claimed, "The children are our future." And judging from the size of the Junior fields at most local bike races, the future of cycling in the U.S. is going to be just fine, if not spectacular.

A quick look at the typically huge Masters fields is also an indication of where the interest is currently and will continue being generated. There are a lot of kids out there racing bikes but in yet another example of life's cyclical nature, we owe it all to the old guys.

SCENE: As nearly 60 kids lined up at the start of this past Sunday's local race, the winner of the recently completed Pro/1/2 Colorado State Criterium Championship readied himself for the podium. This alone is not worthy of mentioning, but the fact that the winner of perhaps the most competitive State Championship in the country was 51 years old is as symbolic of the beauty of the sport as anything I could have scripted out of my own imagination.

For those of you who may not know, Alan McCormack is a TRUE cyclist by every definition of the word and potentially the best possible role model for all of the kids that watched him beat out guys half his age last Sunday. Having started racing as a junior in Ireland (his Father was an accomplished racer) and competing in everything from the Olympics to the Giro d'Italia to the Coors Classic, The Leprechaun has been doing it longer and better than anyone I can think of. I cannot do justice to McCormack's career in this format but take my word on it, the guy is as legit as it gets. I hope to write more about him soon.

Okay, I'll start a little bit now: For Reference, McCormack is one of the coolest guys ever. Mad tattoos, dyed hair - the dude is a rock star. Watching him casually move through the P/1/2 fields in Colorado is similar to watching a concert pianist or any other Master. At this point, there is a grace and composure to his racing style that is almost artistic. But beating a field of REALLY good racers in a field sprint at 51 takes more than brains. Make no mistake, the man can still fly.

The connection between McCormack's victory and the sizable Junior field may not have been obvious to everyone in attendance but it was not lost on this cyclist. Factoring in the local races and the staggering amount of recreational riders on the road, I am confident that the sport remains healthy on the domestic front, despite the on-going issues surrounding the professional ranks in Europe.

It was truly a privilege to witness the full spectrum of age and ability in cycling this past weekend. Despite Triki Beltran's positive EPO test and the apparent dissolution of the Pro Tour, appreciation for the bicycle seems to be growing on our side of the pond and I can't help but be optimistic about the future of this beautiful sport.

With inspiring role models like The Leprechaun leading the way for all the youngsters (not to mention us semi-old guys) out there, how could we possibly fail?

COBRA - Real Italian Anti-Hero

2008-07-15T15:46:00.001-07:00

Ever since Ricardo Ricco burst on to the professional cycling scene, he has been known by the nickname “The Cobra.” While many journalists and fans have proposed theories about the origin of the moniker, little has been revealed by the rider himself until now. The true story may surprise you.

Most people assume that Ricco calls himself “The Cobra” because of his attacking style and reputation for venomous strikes aimed at opponents, both on and off the bike. But in fact, the reason behind the nickname has nothing to do with his tactics or personality, instead owing itself to his long term fascination with an American cartoon.

Ricardo Ricco never cared that G.I. Joe was a real American hero, as the theme song claims. When watching the cartoon as a young boy in Italy, he found himself identifying more with the terrorist Cobra Command Organization – especially their leader, Cobra Commander. It was not long before little Ricardo was running around with a blue hood on, screaming “Cobra!!!” at the top of lungs as he continually antagonized his fellow classmates.

When asked about his somewhat unhealthy obsession with such a villainous character, Ricco is quick to point out that Cobra Commander was simply misunderstood and pressured into global terrorism by the competitive culture of mid-80’s cartoons. The Italian climber responds similarly when asked about his fascination with Marco Pantani, although he adamantly stresses that he doesn’t believe Cobra Commander ever used EPO.

The sport of cycling has a number of individuals who have taken on nicknames associated with characters from children’s programs and cartoons such as David Rebellin (Tintin), Michael Rasmussen (The Chicken) and Manuel Beltran (Triki – a Spanish Cookie Monster) among others. While Ricco admits that his chosen moniker is not original in this sense, he firmly contends that “The Cobra” is better because “the bad guys are always way cooler than the good guys. I mean, why do you think I signed with Saunier-Duval?”

After acknowledging that the majority of the public mistakenly thinks he named himself after a snake, Ricco admits that he rarely corrects people anymore. “I originally started calling myself Cobra Commander, which pretty much kept things clear, but I thought that may have sounded a bit arrogant. And the last thing I want is to be seen as cocky. I mean, everyone already knows that I’m the best climber in the history of the world – so why should I need to include ‘Commander’ in there?”

“The Cobra is a good enough nickname for now. Maybe after a few more glorious victories in which I hypnotize the competition with my reptilian stare, the other riders and media will begin to refer to me as Cobra Commander anyway. In fact, I am certain they will. COBRA!!!”

While this last part remains to be seen, it seems clear that unless Garmin-Chipotle or Columbia signs Sgt. Slaughter or Snake Eyes in the offseason, The Cobra may be here to stay. Reports that Leonardo Piepoli is going to paint his head silver and start calling himself “Destro” have not been confirmed.

TdF - Sprechen Zie Karma?

2008-07-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

The notion of Karma has various interpretations but the most common understanding would probably be something along the lines of "What goes around, comes around." To put it in the context of bike racing and the Tour, it could be considered a "cycle" of cause and effect, so to speak.

Even though Stefan Schumacher is rocking a slightly Buddhist look with the bald head, it might take a while to appreciate the Karmic justice of being taken down within sight of the finish and losing the leader's jersey to the very guy he made contact with. The fact that the other rider was George Hincapie's teammate is a twist of comedic irony worthy of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. You never want to see someone deck it and lose the jersey but Stage 6 was right out of Hollywood. Only WAY better.

Again, he may not see the humor of this situation right now but perhaps Stoolmacher will be able to laugh about it in the future. Big George probably never thought he would look back on the Benelux experience and smile - but I am quite certain he had a chuckle or two after the finish in Super-Besse.

Speaking of the Republic of Columbia, General Hincapie and President Stapleton must be incredibly happy with Captain Kirchen and the rest of the fleet so far. Garmin-Chipotle may be more of a sentimental favorite for the public but the former High Roaders are giving CSC a run for the title of Best Pro Team. In fact, the inclusion of the Women's program makes Columbia a clear leader in the world of professional cycling.

By the way, I wasn't kidding when I said President Stapleton - I would vote for him in a second. Let's start a write-in campaign. Who's with me?

Alright, back to the Stage 6 -

I am rapidly trying to hang on to the Riccardo Riccobra Bandwagon as it collects summit finish victories, spewing out a dense cloud of inflammatory statements on the rest of the peloton the entire way. Seriously though, the guy is fun to watch and listen to. What more do you want? Except better shorts, of course.

The crashes and first week aggression will catch up with Valvoodoo. Among other things. He would have beaten Ricco a few weeks ago. Oscar Periero is riding really well though and Caisse d'Epargne is stronger than I thought but...my Cycling Spider Sense tingles whenever I see those yellow handlebars.

Cadel Evans was solid as usual but had some choice words for one of the Moto guys after having a mechanical and seems a bit tense. Like, borderline Jack Nicholson as Col. Jessup in A Few Good Men tense. I imagine a lot of silence on the Silence bus.

I have been listening to the Eurosport audio in the morning and Sean Kelly completely calls him Cattle Evans. It's not even close to Cuh-del. I've heard that Evans will correct people on the pronunciation from time to time but I wonder if he would have the stones to say anything to Kelly. Anyway, I recommend listening if you don't have video for the morning coverage. Or can't covertly watch it online at work.

Other Random Things That May Not Have Anything To Do With The Tour:

I crossed paths with Tom Danielson a couple of times this past week as he was in Boulder for a while prior to the Cascade Classic. He was doing some motorpacing and passed me going up Lefthand Canyon at what must have been at least 27mph. It was kind of humiliating. Okay - quite humiliating.

Then Tommy D showed up at the Niwot Criterium along with a solid group of domestic pros. When the local weekend crit has a start list that reads like an NRC event - you may want to consider sandbagging it in the lower Categories for a while. Being a Cat 2 in Colorado is kind of like being a Freshman at a Senior party - you may have some classes together from time to time but you always know where you stand in the pecking order.

For the record, Toyota United were the cool clique and swept the podium with Ben Day, Ivan Stevic and Jonny Clarke out of a break that consisted of Phil Zajicek, Colby Pierce and Jason Donald among others. Len Pettyjohn then mentioned that the TUP guys had done 5 hours before the race. Oh, okay...I guess that 6th hour is when you really start flying.

I wonder if Will Frischkorn and Danny Pate are sitting in their hotel rooms in France, thinking how far they are from Cascade right now.

Check out my podcast with Will from the Tour if you haven't already. I'm new at the whole podcast deal so forgive the slow start but I think there is some interesting stuff in there once we got rolling. Nice. Nice.

TdF - Talkin' Tour and TT's

2008-07-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

First of all, check out the podcast interview I was fortunate enough to do with Tour de France rider Will Frischkorn of the Garmin-Chipotle team after the Stage 4 Time Trial on MissingSaddle.com. It’s fairly entertaining if you’re interested in hearing some Tour talk from one guy who is not used to doing such things and another one who is. I am not Larry King yet but Will is a good guy and played along nicely. Even got a question about the kits in at the end.

Actually, I've only listened to it once but I'm concerned that my style is a little more like the ladies from the "Delicious Dish" sketch on SNL. Good times. I'm glad it was Will and not Alec Baldwin (aka Pete Schweddy) on the other end of the line.

Hopefully we’ll be able to get some additional updates from France as the race progresses.

Okay, so now for the TT and yet another close call for both Columbia and Garmin-Chipotle:

Say what you want about Stefan Schumacher (such as...reputed amphetamine user and doper, self-proclaimed blood-value altering diarrhea sufferer, confirmed drunk driver and George Hincapie crasher for example), the guy rode one fast time trial in Cholet. So fast that he got himself a somewhat shocking yellow jersey over Kim Kirchen of Columbia and David Millar of Garmin-Chipotle.

Without getting into any of the things one could say about Valverde and Schumacher wearing yellow (cough), I have to say that it would have been exceedingly good for professional cycling to have either Captain Kirchen or Miller Time to get the jersey. Nothing against Gerolsteiner or Caisse d'Epargne, but it would have been nice to see a leader from an American team with a cutting-edge internal testing system. I'm just saying.

With that said, it was great to see Danny The Pate on top of the leaderboard for a while, even though dang Sylvia Chavanel knocked him off. Thankfully Jens Voigt beat the crap out of his bike like he was Chuck Norris (oh yeah) and took the lead for a while until Menchov lowered the bar. Christian Vandevelde put in a really solid performance and slotted in at 8th, one spot ahead of George Hincapie.

Ultimately, Cadel Evans gained time on everyone he needed to (Liggett: "He pulled out a big one and struck a psychological blow to his rivals" - ok), Valverde lost time to everyone he didn't want to, Cancellara proved that he is mortal and Schumacher almost seemed not to be.

Anyway...we will see what happens later this week. The race is wide open and I have a feeling that Shoe Maker and the Water Boys will be under an incredible amount of pressure over the next few days. I can't wait.

TdF - 3 Up, 3 Down

2008-07-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, we're three days into the TdF and I am already beginning to lose my resistance to the impending dementia caused by that infuriating "Take Back the Tour" commercial on Versus. I can only hope (with every fiber of my being) that the VS producers get as sick of it as I have and end the madness before someone (like me) gets committed to a mental institution. I'll be on the stretcher mumbling "I'm gonna get myself straight" right before they put me into the straightjacket.

Specifically, the reverse-footage is exceedingly depressing, a little offensive and the song kind of makes me want to kill myself. Or start doing drugs to numb my ears and the resulting suicidal tendencies. Good job VS!! Only two and a half more weeks to go!! I hope we all make it. The riders might be clean but now the entire viewing public will be pill-popping alcoholics by the end of the month.

Okay, back to the race. Well, sort of…

Alejandro Valverde is obviously a great cyclist. After all, he's been winning races since he was a kid and has continued a fairly steady rise to now challenge for the Tour de France. However, among a few other concerns, there is just something inherently cheesy about Valvoodoo which prevents me from enjoying many of his victories. I feel kind of bad saying it, but I call 'em like I see 'em and something about the Spaniard's style bugs me. Okay, I actually don't feel that bad.

From the historically low-cut socks (a little triathlon-weird looking but still better than Moreau's white tube socks), to the prematurely balding, yet oddly Jheri-curlish hair (just shave it off dude, trust me), to the overly-coordinated yellow, black and red of his new Spanish National Champion's kit (the yellow on the bike and helmet make it seem like he's trying too hard), the man who may or may not be DIRECTLY linked to Operacion Puerto has track record of questionable style (and nickname) choices.

But considering he got his big break in those horrendous old green Kelme kits – maybe he was doomed from the start. Or maybe Fuentes should have been a fashion advisor too. He seemed pretty slick in all those Mafioso-style photographs.

Anyway, despite the relative ease with which he won Stage 1 and coasted to the finish of Stage 2, I am sticking to my prediction that bad things will surface for Valv.Piti and he will not be sporting those garish yellow-gold Oakleys in Paris. ASO cannot be happy that he is prowling the top of the GC right now. "Umm…can someone get that Spanish judge on the line? Patrice Clerc would like to speak with him."

Scandinavian By Design…

I have said it for quite some time now and I'll say it again – I like me some Scandinavians. Especially Norwegians. Or should I say "Noorveejins?"

This goes for just about everyone I've ever met but Thor Hushovd seems to reinforce this opinion. My guess is that the French like Thor quite a bit as well. Considering the publicity he has been able to generate for Credit Agricole over the last 5-6 years, he should be an honorary Frog at this point. I bet he's more popular than Moreau.

These things I know: The sun will rise again and Thor Hushovd will win a stage of the Tour de France.

So Frisch and So Clean, Clean…

The Outkast song may not have been playing on the race radio but the title seemed apt after what our local Boulder representative Will Frischkorn did in Stage 3. After over 200k's off the front, the Colorado Buffalo alum just missed grabbing what may have been the most surprising stage win for an American since Greg LeMond's TT in 1989 and cemented the fact that Slipstream/Garmin/Chipotle are going to be able to do some good things over the next few weeks.

I hope to have more details about Stage 3 from the source in the near future. But in the meantime…Way to go Man!

Between Missouri, Milan-Sanremo and now the Tour, Willdren of the Frischkorn is making getting into day-long, race-making breakaways look remarkably easy. Come on…it's only 200k's off the front. Let's go.

It's probably nothing compared to the Bus Stop Ride though and I think the start in St. Malo must have reminded him of the chapel with the same name on Peak to Peak Highway.

Next Stop for Garmin-Chipotle: A Yellow Jersey for David Millar after the TT tomorrow. Cancellara can't possibly win again, can he? We'll see.