Sunday, January 14, 2007

Astana-Wu-Tang Cycling Team Press Conference

In a recent press conference conducted in Staten Island, the East Coast hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan announced that it will continue its sponsorship of the Astana-Wurth (Wu-Tang) professional cycling team for the 2007 season. As a result, the team will continue to wear the multi-platinum group's famous red logo on their team gear and casual clothing.
The Real Wu-Tang Logo
Group founder The RZA, also known as Bobby Digital, led the press conference by expressing his satisfaction with the success of 2006 but quickly addressed the unfortunate typo that resulted in the team clothing and marketing information displaying the word "Wurth" and not the appropriate "Wu-Tang" as seen above. "I was quite unhappy with that particular situation" stated the clearly disturbed producer and MC. "It is fortunate that 'Wurth' is a direct Kazakh translation of 'Wu-Tang' but on sheer principle, the Wu simply will not tolerate such an egregious error and we are currently in the process of rectifying the situation accordingly. Let's just say that rather careless employee will not be riding a bike any time soon."
Beloki and Jaksche Representing The Wu
The RZA expressed his frustration at having the logo on the team gear misspelled but took comfort in the fact that Wu-Tang Clan record sales in Kazakhstan have quadrupled since the group began sponsoring the team. "I am confident that the average cycling fan knows the Wu-Tang logo when they see it and are not fooled by the 'Wurth' thing. So most people just naturally associate the mainly Spanish and Kazakh professional cycling team with hard core East Coast hip-hop and assume that the team is representing Wu-Tang to the fullest" said the man responsible for such albums as "Enter the 36 Chambers". "And when they roll up to races in that pimped out turquoise and yellow bus with the stereo turned up, blasting phat you know people see that red "W" and know that the Wu has something to do with it."
Method Man calling Vino to ask if he has his pipe in the 2006 Vuelta
The Astana-Wurth (Wu-Tang) cycling team experienced a tumultuous season in 2006 which included everything from numerous rider bans in the wake of Operacion Puerto to the victorious ride of Alexandre Vinokourov in the Vuelta a Espana. The RZA was joined on stage by several other members of the Wu-Tang Clan including Method Man, The Genius, Cappadonna and Ghostface Killah to congratulate the team and discuss the goals for 2007. Notably absent was Wu-Tang member Raekwon the Chef who is widely known as a huge fan of Kazakh rider Andrey Kashechkin and can often be seen wearing a gold medallion with the rider's name spelled out in diamonds on stage. Members of the group could not confirm Raekwon's whereabouts at the time.
The press conference ended quickly as an argument broke out between the various Spanish and Kazakh entourages resulting in multiple gunshots being fired. No one was critically hurt but the Wu-Tang clan members were fearful of their safety and unwilling to remain in the venue with such a questionable crowd of cycling journalists and racers. Look for Method Man's new album "Vuelta Victory" in stores soon.


Anonymous said...

It's like this, I'm a start from the top:

Benoit Joachim - he's like that dude that'll sit back and watch you play yourself and all that, right? and see you sit there and know you lyin, and he'll take you to court after that cuz he's Benoit Joachim.

Rene Haselbacher, he's the chef. He's cookin up some marvelous shit to get ya mouth waterin. on some old shit.

Then, there's Eddy Mazzoleni. There's like mad different methods to the way I do my shit. basically, Eddy Mazzoleni is like 'roll that shit, light that shit, smoke it'

Assan Bazayev - he's a phsycopathic thinker.

Then we got Sergey Ivanov, cuz there ain't no father to his style. that's why he's Sergey Ivanov.

Gennady Mikhaylov, he's on "some now you see me, now you don't"

Kloeden? He's the sharpest muthafucka in the whole clan. he always on point, with the beats, with the rhymes, whatever. And he DJ's.

Vinokourov? The genius is just the genius. he's the backbone of the whole joint. he's the head. we form like voltron and Vinokourov happens to be the head.

J.T.A. said...

R.I.P. O.D.B.