Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Local Cyclist Discovers Fossil In Pain Cave

This hard hitting journalistic account is largely indebted to Race Announcer Dave Towle, the voice behind many organized pain cave expeditions and as far as I know, the inventor of the term.

Boulder, CO

Local cyclist Howard Rosen recently discovered the fossilized skull of a triceratops while digging deep into his pain cave at the end of a long training ride according to Boulder authorities. Archaeologists from the University of Colorado are analyzing the specimen in greater detail but have confirmed that it is, in fact, a real dinosaur.

Archaelologists study the skull found in Rosen's pain cave

The surprising discovery came as Rosen climbed the final steep pitch of Old Stage Road after a long training ride in the mountains northwest of Boulder. “I was coming back from a big loop through Allens Park and Ward and decided to really give my all up the last part of Old Stage coming back into town” said the 32 year old Category 4 racer to a crowd of local media gathered at the University of Colorado. “As I got to the last few hundred meters my heart rate was really high and I was kind of starting to swerve around a little bit. Then, all of the sudden, I heard this sound behind me like something had fallen out of my jersey pocket. I looked back and there was this huge fossilized skull of a triceratops lying in the middle of the road. It really caught me off guard.”

While it is fairly common for serious cyclists to enter their pain caves on a regular basis, it was the depth to which Rosen dug that was the likely cause of his remarkable finding. “I’ve really never gone that hard before,” said the Account Manager for a local tech company. “I was really struggling toward the end there but I have to say it was worth it. I mean, it’s not often that you can produce a nearly perfect triceratops skull from your pain cave as a Cat. 4. The really good fossils and hieroglyphics are usually found in the pain caves of much more experienced riders.”

When asked if he felt his pain cave finding was an indication of good form going into the 2007 season, Rosen was measured in his response. “I really can’t say if I’m going to do well this season or not. It’s kind of tough to tell. Maybe the fact that it hurt so much and that I had to go that far into my pain cave is an indication that I actually kind of suck right now. Normally I get up that hill a lot easier.”

Aftermath of previously documented dinosaur pain cave finding

Archaeologists from the University of Colorado were baffled by the discovery but confirmed that it was a legitimate finding. “I have never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Michael Koctostin, an expert on cycling-related dinosaur bone findings. “It is not uncommon for many of the local cyclists in the greater Boulder area to bring us small fossils and bits of precious metals found in their pain caves from time to time. But the size and startlingly good condition of Mr. Rosen’s triceratops skull is truly unique. I’m glad I wasn’t riding behind him at the time, that’s for sure.”

Rosen finished the press conference by answering questions about the logistics of his production and transportation of the skull. “Honestly, I don’t really know where it came from. I checked my jersey and shorts and everything was fine. I felt a weird twinge in my lower abdomen right before it came out but seriously…the shorts and everything were left completely intact. Trust me on this one, I was as shocked as anybody that this happened. And it was really hard to carry back into town.”

It is unknown whether Rosen’s findings will lead to other local cyclists using Old Stage Road as a launch pad into the nether regions of their pain caves but residents of the area have noticed small nuggets of coal, quartz and numerous other minerals on the side of the road with more frequency. “I found a few chunks of raw hematite in my driveway the other day after a large group ride came through,” said Sam Fletcher, a long-time resident. “The guys in the front were doing okay, but I think it was the two or three guys at the back of the pack that were responsible.”

Fletcher’s accusations have not been confirmed but I think you probably know who you are.

Stay tuned for The CaliRado Cyclist Interview with Bob Vila discussing the proper construction of a Wattage Cottage.


curtis said...

yo.... you won the glasses on missingsaddle.com..... do you want them. if not i will find another winner....

Jeru said...

Heck yeah, but I can only wear them during time trials right? We need a ruling on this one...

Anonymous said...

Good work, this is the funniest cycling blog entry I've read... cheers, i'll be checking back.