Monday, January 8, 2007

Overweight Man To Spend Thousands Of Dollars On Lightweight Bike Parts

According to recent reports, significantly overweight local cyclist Bob Krantz is planning to spend thousands of dollars on a wide range of lightweight carbon fiber, titanium and aluminum bicycle parts and accessories in 2007. The recreational cyclist, who rides his $6,000 pro-quality racing bike around town approximately twice per month, will be searching for any product that can reduce the weight of his bike to below that of the UCI minimum of roughly 16 pounds.

"It is really a shame that the UCI has made weight restrictions for professional racers. But since I am not a pro, I am able to take full advantage of lightweight technology and really make the most of my strength-to-weight ratio," the 5'8", 215 lb. Krantz stated shortly before sitting down to a mid-ride meal of a chocolate chip muffin, steak sandwich and a 24oz bottle of Yoohoo at the local coffee shop.

The 55-year old accountant estimates that he has spent approximately $30,000 over the last four years in an effort to keep up with the advancing technology but claims the benefit to his performance has been worth the expense. "You'd be surprised at how much of a difference I feel riding my 16 lb. Cervelo Soloist with the new Zipp Wheelset and carbon fiber compact crank by FSA compared to my chunky old 16.4 lb Pinarello with lousy Kyseriums and crummy standard alloy Campy crankset from back in 2005. I mean, after I did all of the calculations for how much that extra 0.4 lbs was costing me on the climbs around my neighborhood and on the way to the coffee shop...we're talking about some serious energy savings" said Krantz as he zipped up his recently purchased XXXL Team CSC skinsuit and slipped some sparkling white lycra shoe covers on his new pair of $350 Sidi's. Additionally, Krantz chooses not to wear a helmet due to the excess weight and a claim that his masterful bike-handling skills allow him to avoid accidents. Furthermore, the rider boasts a "sixth sense" for trouble as a result of his dozens of hours on the bike over the last five years.

When questioned about the possible ramifications of getting the weight of his bicycle beneath the current UCI minimum Krantz was realistic, stating "Yeah, I could probably start drilling out some of the components to save an ounce or two but honestly, I'm starting to worry about compromising the structural integrity of the bike. After all, I am a few pounds over my ideal raceweight, well...like about 75 or so if you want to be specific, but carbon fiber and titanium are pretty strong so I'm not too worried. I rarely get up over 15 mph anyway, so even if I break another frame or burst another skinsuit...I should be okay."

Those interested in viewing Bob Krantz's pro-quality lightweight racing bicycle up close can usually see it leaning up against a table outside of the local coffee shop every other Saturday and occasionally on Sunday before the NFL season starts.

3 comments:

alliwannadoisbicycle said...

hahahahahahaha.

How I love watching Freds toil up the "Climb" in central park on their $5000 trek madones.

TXCiclista said...

roflwaffles.

"Cut grams in the crank or pounds at the waist"

Brian said...

If this isn't a spoof I'll be a monkey's uncle!