Thursday, January 11, 2007

Lloyd Flandis Ready To Win 2007 Tour de France

San Diego based cyclist Lloyd Flandis is coming off the best season of his career and is hoping to win the 2007 Tour de France. While his participation in the event has yet to be confirmed, Flandis’ ability to compete in the event may be compromised by the on-going legal issues concerning Floyd Landis, winner of the 2006 Tour. Landis was fired from his Phonak team after news of his questionable positive test was leaked to a horrible French newspaper. Flandis claims to have never raced professionally but is really, really good according to everyone who has ever ridden with him including Lance Armstrong, Tyler Hamilton and George Hincapie. Rumour has it that Oscar Periero and Andreas Kloden think he's pretty good too.

Lloyd Flandis (not to be confused with Floyd Landis)

Floyd Landis, not Lloyd Flandis, supposedly tested positive for an elevated epitestosterone -to-testosterone ratio after his HEROIC effort during stage 17 of the 2006 Tour de France which brought the former mountain bike racer and Mennonite back into contention for the yellow jersey. Landis is appealing the result and is hanging in legal limbo until someone at the USAC, WADA, UCI or CAS decides to take their heads out the sand or other dark places.

Lloyd Flandis however, has been quietly building his form over the past few years and is certain that he can compete at the Pro Tour level and possibly even win the Tour de France in 2007. “I’m really anxious to get back to racing professionally and hope to repeat my performance…er…I mean Floyd Landis’ performance at the 2006 Tour and repeat…er…I mean win the event for the first time in my career” said Flandis at a press conference held in front of Floyd Landis’ house in a suburb of San Diego.

“I had wanted Floyd Landis to be here to dispell any rumours that we are the same person. Just because we ride together a lot, have the same bike and clothing and look almost identical to one another. But unfortunately he had to go to a rehab session for his hip surgery which, remarkably, I just had performed on my hip as well. We even went to the same doctor” explained Flandis when asked why the press conference was being held in front of Landis’ home.

Floyd Landis (not to be confused with Lloyd Flandis)

While Flandis claimed to understand the apparent confusion between himself and Floyd Landis, he was quick to point out differences from the embattled 2006 Tour winner. “Okay, I know I have the same address and my wife and daughters names are the same as his…but come on…that’s just a coincidence. The biggest difference is that I am from an Amish community and Floyd was raised a Mennonite. I blame Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen for screwing that one up all the time” said Flandis as he fitted his Oakleys to his backwards hat and adjusted the collar on his “Free Floyd” t-shirt.

The press conference ended with Flandis going into a detailed explanation of the differences between Mennonite and Amish beliefs as well as a slide show of Landis' medical and scientific defense presented by Dr. Carnie Banker, an associate of Landis’ and Dr. Arnie Baker who is assisting with the on-going legal efforts. “The sooner Floyd Landis wins his case, the sooner Lloyd Flandis can retire and stay home with his wife Amber. Amber Flandis that is” concluded Banker.

Flandis is hoping to be able to sign with a Pro Tour team for 2007 as he continues his rehabilitation from hip surgery. He will be working with Robbie Ventura and Alan Lim as well as using Cycle-Ops, Specialized, Speedplay and Oakley products as he regains fitness while cursing the names of Dick Pound, Oscar Periero, Pat McQuaid, the French and all of the other people he hopes to make taste it when he wins again. Hopefully.

Floyd Landis was not available for comment.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

roflwaffles

Hooptie said...

I wonder if Floyd and Lloyd share bags of blood for transfusions...like Tyler and his Twin.

Jeru said...

Easy there Hooptie. There will be no Tyler-bashing here. TH is a really good guy just like Floyd and probably Lloyd too. But I don't really know him very well yet.

The main thing is that all Colorado Buffaloes get a free pass on this site so TH has immunity.