World Anti-Doping Agency Chairman Dick Pound (For reference, that’s his real name…not an alias or porn star title) publicly criticized both your Grandmother and your favorite childhood pet in a recent interview. It is unknown whether Pound has ever met your Grandmother or favorite childhood pet but somehow they were included in widely published claims of drug use and illegal performance enhancement by the I.O.C. member.
When questioned about your relationship with both your Grandmother and favorite childhood pet, Pound was dismissive. “It’s a great story,” Pound said. “Wonderful. But if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Claiming that the careers of both your Grandmother and favorite childhood pet were influenced by the use of performance enhancing drugs, Pound was firm in his belief that out-of-competition testing and possible DNA profiling is a necessary step forward. Despite the fact that your Grandmother has never tested positive for banned substances, Pound said it is clear to him that she had cheated. “It’s like they used to say about pornography. You know it when you see it.”
A good buddy and protégé of former I.O.C. president Juan Antonio Samaranch, Pound was personally chosen for the role of WADA Chairman in 1999. The creation of WADA was supposedly an effort to establish a global anti-doping code for use in all Olympic and many non-Olympic sports. Pound also served as the I.O.C. Chairman of the Television and Marketing Committee from 1983 to 2001. During this time the I.O.C.’s TV rights have risen from $100 million to $2 billion.
Somewhat lost in the on-going soap opera that is the I.O.C. and WADA is the fact that Samaranch was rather close to one Franciscso Franco, the Fascist, Nazi sympathizer and associate of Adolf Hitler who served himself as dictator of Spain from 1939 until his death in 1975. These facts are lost as Pound casts dispersions over the entire professional cycling peloton and regularly lumps all racers into the group of convicted doping offenders. We are judged by the company we keep and Dick Pound thinks that your Grandmother, your favorite childhood pet and all bicycle racers are bad people.
While Pound understands that even though he is publicly criticizing your Grandmother and favorite family pet without any real proof of wrongdoing or formal sanctioning, he is quick to justify his outbursts as they pertain to his overall mission of offending any and everyone who cares the least bit about the process of justice and fairness in drug testing and sports as a whole. Randomly claiming that your favorite childhood pet had epitestosterone-to-testosterone levels exceeding the arbitrarily stated WADA minimum of 4-to-1, Pound reverted to his pattern of grossly childish and ignorant comments. “You’d think he’d be violating every virgin within 100 miles. How does he even get on his bicycle?” It has not been confirmed whether your favorite childhood pet can even ride a bicycle.
As a Canadian (that can mean whatever you want it to mean), Pound is understandably bothered by the United States and finished his presumably drunken rant with a parting shot directed at anyone south of his Canuck borders and even threw in a little primitive chest thumping and profanity. “There aren’t too many people who are prepared to point the finger at America and say: ‘Hey, take off the [expletive] halo. You’re just like everybody else.’ That’s a problem in America. America has a singular ability to delude itself.” One of Pound’s assistants later explained to him that since Canada is in North America it is technically considered “America” too. The assistant was promptly suspended for two years for having supposedly “juiced” during his 2nd Grade Geography lesson on the Continents.
The interview concluded with a Top 10 list of WADA Chairman Dick Pound’s claims and beliefs:
1) Your Grandmother and favorite childhood pet are rotten, dirty cheaters
2) Anyone who has ever even considered bicycle racing is a rotten, dirty cheater
3) Juan Antonio Samaranch is a good guy
4) Francisco Franco thought Samaranch was a good guy…and he felt the same way about Hitler
5) People with high epitestosterone-to-testosterone levels are prone to defiling virgins – but only within a 100 mile radius
6) It's perfectly okay to make baseless, exhaggerated and randomly profane claims as long as they are published and you are an I.O.C. or WADA official
7) It's especially okay to make outrageous, inflammatory comments if you have written a book titled "High Impact Quotations" and are named Dick Pound
8) It is not okay to say the slightest negative thing about WADA, Dick Pound, Canada, Ben Johnson (who Pound defended in court) or any poorly run, leak-riddled French laboratory
9) Canada, Mexico and all of the other countries in North, Central and South America are not part of the "America" that apparently wears a "[expletive] halo." That distinction is saved for the United States
10) Dick Pound is actually a socially acceptable name. Richard or Rich or Richie or Rick or Rickey or ANYTHING ELSE is not as good as DICK Pound.
* Author’s Note: While the basis of this article is satirical, it should be noted that every quote attributed to Mr. Pound is accurate and can be found in the following NY Times article. See for yourself.