Cup Check - A Weekend of Cross In Boulder

For many outside the cycling community, Compton is a city located in South Central Los Angeles, known primarily as the birthplace of "Gangsta Rap" and Trebon is the name of a small tourist town in the South Bohemian Region of the Czech Republic.

But for those of us in the know, Compton and Trebon are also the names of the best U.S. cyclocross racers as well. And they proved that fact beyond question this past weekend in Boulder.

One of the first things that I noticed at the Redline Cup, held at the blustery Boulder Reservoir, was that Katie Compton was rocking an all-blue kit and not the customary stars and stripes. Dave Towle was working the microphone and soon clued me in to the fact that she was wearing the UCI points leader colors. I suppose she was probably tired of the same old National Champion's jerseys anyway and plus, it gave the other women a chance to see a different colored blur for the first half of the first lap until she rode away from them all.

I am actually saving most of my Katie Compton material for the piece that I will write after she wins the World Championships this year. It should be good though.

Ryan Trebon had a rough start on Saturday but slowly worked his way back up to the usual suspects of Tim Johnson, Jeremy Powers, Joachim Parbo and teammate Barry Wicks after a few laps. He mingled with the others for a moment but then went all Turbo and immediately put about 30 seconds into everyone. Treefarm has an interesting demeanor when he's racing and sometimes it's hard to tell if he's even trying but when he does finally get to the front and hits the gas...it can be pretty impressive. Both of the courses this weekend favored power and speed so it was natural that Trebon and Compton murdered everyone.

I would like to take this time to address the above photo of Joachim Parbo, the Danish National Champion. He seems like a nice enough guy and I've only heard good things about him but after watching him race a half dozen times over the past two years, I just simply cannot get past one thing. Or, well I guess two things. His hairy legs.

And not just normal hairy legs but, like, Tonkin Caveman style shaggy legs. You can't really see them too well in the above photo but they are kind of out of hand. I mean...it's sort of cool with Tonkin because he's just unshaven everywhere and he's from the Pacific Northwest where hairyness is the norm. But how does a Danish cyclist not shave his legs? Does Bjarne Riis know about this? I feel like it's almost disrespectful somehow.

Anyway, Sunday's Boulder Cup was held in the shadow of the Flatirons and under the watchful eyes of Len Pettyjohn, Michael Aisner and Scott Moninger (above) among many others. Being a typical Boulder event, there were current and former pros all over the place in the crowd but it was particularly cool to see Chris Baldwin and course marshall Tyler Hamilton moving barriers before the Cat. 4 event. How many other sports would ever have a scenario like that? Maybe Carmelo Anthony or Allen Iverson will rebound for me next time I go shoot hoops.

Since Compton and Trebon basically crushed everyone, the best drama of the weekend actually surrounded Geoff Kabush trying in vain to hold off Chris Horner for 5th place behind Johnson, Powers and Wicks. The heavily side-burned Canadian was able to maintain his lead in the technical sand sections for a number of laps but Happy Face Horner was visibly faster on the grass and asphalt. After steadily closing the gap Horner finally caught and passed Kabush on the long paved run through the finish, shown in the picture above.

How Chris Horner doesn't have a job right now is beyond me. The guy is one of the best race animators I have ever witnessed. I've seen him do a ton of road events including a first-hand view of his win at the SF Grand Prix a few years back but I think Sunday's 5th place may have been the most impressive. He doesn't have many UCI points so he had to start mid-pack and he would lose ground on most of the guys ahead of him on the technical sections. So...he basically rode ridiculously fast to get up to 5th place, ahead of both the Danish and former Canadian National Champions.

I was at the final Crank Brothers event at the Polo Grounds in Golden Gate Park a few years ago for what was, I believe, Horner's second cyclocross race ever. He showed up to registration about 10 minues before the race in the full yellow Saunier-Duval kit, proceeded to stack it a few times and still finished in the top 15. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that he is now getting podiums in year three considering he was top 10 at Lombardy a few weeks ago.

The above photo is blurry because my camera was set wrong, but you should be able to see that Trebon is holding a giant sword above his head. There were these crazy Lion-Heart guys running around with wigs and a huge Flanders flag who gave Treefarm this huge metal sword in the final straight. Big time props to Trebon for handling it because that thing did not look light at all. I think everyone had that initial nightmare flash of him decking it and committing hara-kiri as he crossed the finish line. Realistically though, that sword gave him a tougher time than any of the other competitiors.

It's always good to see the fans come out and uh, support the riders. These young ladies were Kona fans and had plenty to cheer about at the podium presentation. The term groupie may be too harsh, perhaps they are old friends, but regardless, scenes like this speak to the growth of cyclocross in the States. Although we still have a long way to go before there is a Kona dance squad, great events like the Redline and Boulder Cup will certainly help the growth of this crazy sport. Cheerleaders or not.

And finally, we have the Man, the Myth, the Legend...the pink vest. I've seen this guy marshalling a bunch of events and he always sports the pink Pearl vest. Awesome.

Are you tough enough to rock the pink vest? I didn't think so.

Dr. J's Tech Talk: Watt You Talkin' 'Bout Nietzsche?

Not many people realize that when Friedrich Nietzsche wrote of "The Will To Power" he was actually talking about cycling. The whole concept ended up getting misconstrued through various false interpretations, but his original point was really just that cyclists are always seeking ways to increase their Power output. In fact, legend has it that Nietzsche was actually one of the first inventors of the SRM power meter.

In Fast Freddie Nietzsche’s own words, he promotes the notion of the Will To Power by stating, "Physiologists should think before putting down the instinct of self-preservation as the cardinal instinct of an organic being. A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength — life itself is will to power; self-preservation is only one of the indirect and most frequent results"

Originally, Nietzsche 's name for this concept was "Discharge Your Strength" but he quickly changed it to "Will To Power" after he started getting some off-color responses and DNA donor inquiries.

Anyway, all "Jens Voigt as Ubermensch" philosophizing aside, Nietzsche helps us in the cycling world to understand the true importance of power and our natural desire to exert it. Interestingly, while I have not been able to locate any data on the German philosopher’s wattage numbers, it is said that his VO2 Max was phenomenal. And his famous nihilist quote “God is dead” was reportedly uttered in triumph after thrashing his training partners in a particularly brutal session of climbing intervals.

But speaking of wattage and power…I thought now would be a good time to put James Watt’s legacy into a greater scientific context so that we may better understand just how weak we all are. The term “Watt” is far simpler to unwrap than “Power” (which has more connotations than you can imagine) so let’s look at what this unit of energy, equal to one joule per second, really is.

An organization that I am involved with manufactures laser systems which have peak pulse powers on the order of >1 Terawatt, so consider this the conclusion to the earlier entry about Time that confirmed how slow we all are. For reference, a Terawatt is equal to 1 trillion watts. As Snoop says, “Don’t get mad…I’m only being real.”

A Few Examples...

Watt:

60 W – The power of a typical household light bulb.
232 W – Average power output of Floyd Landis during the 2005 Tour de France.
379 W – Average power output of Floyd Landis while placing 6th in the final TT of the 2005 Tour de France.
430 W – Average power output of Ondrej Sosenka while covering a UCI record 30.8 miles in one hour.
745.7 W – 1 Horsepower.

Kilowatt (1 Thousand Watts):

1.39 kW – Per capita average power use in the U.S. in 2003.
1.7 kW - Approximate power output during the final sprint of a typical Tour de France flat stage.

2.378 kW – Average power output for 5 seconds by Manfred Neuscheler on a Bike-Ergometer. 40-200 kW – Approximate range of power output of typical automobiles.

Megawatt (1 Million Watts):

2.5 MW – Peak power output of a Blue Whale.
10.3 MW – Electrical power output of Togo.
190 MW – Peak power of a Nimitz Class aircraft carrier.

900 MW – Electrical power output of a CANDU nuclear reactor.

Gigawatt (1 Billion Watts):

1.21 GW – Power needed to run the Flux Capacitor in Back To The Future.
2.074 GW – Peak power generation of Hoover Dam.
3 GW – Approximate peak power of world’s largest nuclear reactor.
12.7 GW – Average electrical power consumption of Norway in 1998.

Terawatt (1 Trillion Watts):

1 TW – Approximate peak power of femtosecond laser pulse.
1.7 TW – Average electrical power consumption of the world in 2001.
3.327 TW – Average total (gas, electricity, etc) power consumption of the U.S. in 2001.
13.5 TW – Average total power consumption of the human world in 2001.
50 to 200 TW – Rate of heat energy released by a hurricane.

Chuckawatt (1 Quadrillion Watts):

1 CW – Average power unleashed by a Chuck Norris round-house kick.

So…now we know a little more about Wattage. I don’t have the schematics for constructing a Wattage Cottage yet but I think I may wait to build one until they produce a power meter for my bike that measures Chuckawatts. So far, Jens Voigt is the only known cyclist with a CW rating and he ripped the bottom brackets out of a dozen Cervelos before they could verify the result.

But that’s a story for another time…

Closure and the Cycle

"Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor." - Homer, Iliad

There are times in our lives when we are forced to recognize the frailty of our existence. Times when we seek answers to questions that have no solutions. Times when closure is nothing more than a figment of our imagination.

Two friends of mine have passed away recently, far earlier than they should have. Both were kind, good-hearted people who made the world a better place for not only friends and family, but for everyone they touched. And many are now left asking why they were taken from us so early.

But life does not usually give us straight answers. Life is fickle and stubborn and secretive. The game of Life is not fair and the rules we play by are not really rules at all but merely a socially-constructed framework through which we navigate the sliding scale of good and bad and the foundation of how we are ultimately remembered when we die.

But what of the closure we seek when someone close to us passes away? Depending on how you view the subject, death only represents the end of the physical body we inhabit. Therefore closure is something of a misnomer for those that believe memories can sustain a relationship beyond what we can see and touch. In fact, closure may be a purely pschological construct.

Interestingly, Gestalt psychology acknowledges the so-called Law of Closure with the following definition:

The mind may experience elements it does not perceive through sensation, in order to complete a regular figure (i.e., to increase regularity).

Although this "Law" is most often represented by the perceptual completion of an image, it can also apply to the way many people deal with death. Our brains are naturally wired so that we strive for closure of the incomplete. And what could be more painfully incomplete than a relationship with someone who has passed away earlier than we were prepared for?

In my personal quest to find regularity and closure...I have come to the conclusion that, in all likelihood, neither exists outside the feeble confines of my brain. The only constant is change and closure in a psychological sense relies so heavily on subjective input that it can rarely, if ever, be considered "real."

Regardless, in my own search for closure I have been reverting to my comfort zone of cycling recently and keep coming back to the situation that Floyd Landis has found himself in. If there is ever someone who has been forced to deal with an absence of closure over the past year, it's Floyd.

Beginning with his positive result in the Tour, to the suicide of his Father-In-Law and now through the first arbitration hearing and on to his appeal to the CAS...one can only imagine that there has been little closure in Floyd's life over the past year. And one can only imagine how difficult these unresolved events must have been for him. Hopefully the bike has remained consistent in its support.

It's interesting to me that I find so much comfort in cycling because in many fundamental ways, the bicycle often provides me with the best understanding of closure and the cyclical nature of life and the world as I know it. But then again, my definitions of these terms may not be typical.

In psychology, closure refers to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event. In physics, a cycle is defined as "A sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one."

Cycling is my therapy. There is a conclusion to every ride and I inevitably return home with a deeper appreciation for life than when I left. In this sense, riding is not truly cyclical because I am fundamentally changed by the process. And as a result, I am often far better prepared to handle the stresses and trauma of daily life, both physically and mentally.

We are all racking up miles in the ride of life and we never know what lies on the road ahead. So enjoy the scenery and take time to reflect on the lessons that those who pass before us can teach. Thank you Gary and Tennyson...you will be missed.

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” – Alex Tan

Carpe Diem

Landis Lobs Law Bomb

October 17, 2007 - San Diego, CA.

Embattled professional cyclist Floyd Landis announced today that he will be retaining the legal services of Jackie Chiles and Bob Loblaw in his upcoming appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. Landis was recently stripped of his 2007 Tour de France title as a result of a supposedly positive test for exogenous Testosterone after his stunning victory in Stage 17 of that race.

"I trust that the addition of Jackie Chiles and Bob Loblaw to my legal team will strengthen my chances to prove my innocence and expose the injustices of our current anti-doping system" stated the former Postal Service and Phonak rider at a small press conference in San Diego. He then went on to explain why he chose to add the services of the two high-profile attorneys.

"Most people don't know this but I was actually on the jury for the famous O'Henry Candy Bar Heiress case that Jackie worked on a few years ago for Cosmo Kramer of Kramerica Industries. Even though they lost the decision...I always felt like they would have won if Stan the Caddy hadn't gotten involved" Landis explained.

"Jackie had that case in the bag but bras are like bike shorts...they've got to go against the skin. Like a glove."

Chiles then followed up with the statement that the case against Landis was "outrageous, egregious and preposterous" and described WADA Chairman Dick Pound as being "lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"

Landis then went on to detail his new found relationship with attorney Bob Loblaw.

"I actually stumbled upon Bob Loblaw's Law Blog while I was recovering from my hip surgery and got some great information. I already had a legal team and he was still working with the Bluth Family at the time but he was very professional and helpful. This guy is all business...there is no nonsense with Bob Loblaw."

Landis also noted that he appreciated the subtle irony of Loblaw's Legal Motto: "Why should you have to pay for a crime that someone else...noticed?"

When confronted with questions regarding recently unsuccessful representation of Kramerica Industries and the Bluth Company by his new attorneys, Landis explained his confidence that these results were not indicative of their ability.

"Most people overlook the fact that Jackie actually won most of his cases for Kramerica Industries. The compensation for those victories was somewhat problematic but he won them nonetheless. Besides...he never told Kramer to put the balm on."

"And Bob Loblaw was once again undermined by the prior ineptitude of Barry Zuckerkorn, who initially represented the Bluth Company. The other problem there was that he doesn't speak Spanish. But we all know that Bob Loblaw no habla Espanol so you can't really blame him for that."

Landis then ended the press conference with a brief summary of his defense strategy.

"I trust that my new attorneys will be able to win this appeal for me due to their extensive experience and aggressive legal approach. I want the headlines to read: Jackie Chiles and Bob Loblaw Lob Law Bomb at Anti-Doping System."

Cyclist

I’m not exactly sure when I officially became a cyclist, but I think it may have actually been before I ever even took a pedal stroke. As a small child my Father used to ride me around Marin County on the back of his ten-speed, stopping occasionally when I would fall asleep in my kiddie seat. I suppose that was probably when I first experienced the joy of feeling the road rumble beneath me and the pleasant sensation of leaning into a turn at speed. The fact that I would regularly fall asleep while my Father was riding was an early indication that I would develop a certain comfort with the bike.

When I finally got my own two-wheeled machine, a root beer brown cruiser with a banana seat and orange detailing, I was officially hooked. I used to tie my Tonka trucks to the back and ride around for hours. Eventually I got an actual ten-speed of my own and was finally able to go on a real ride with my Dad.

On that first ride, less than a mile from the driveway, at the first stop sign, I tensed up, ran into my father and knocked us both to the ground. Not exactly a fairy tale introduction to the sport of road cycling, but I suppose it prepared me for the numerous bike-related spills I would take from then on.

That incident also taught me that you could hit the deck and still get back up and ride through the pain, which would become somewhat of a recurring theme for me. If Dad and I had gone home after we crashed, I may not have become the masochist I am today.

But we didn’t go home. We got back up, dusted ourselves off and kept going for what ended up being a great ride. In fact, when I still lived in California I would regularly ride that same stretch of road between Bolinas and Stinson Beach and remember that day fondly. The excitement and thrill of gliding along Bolinas Lagoon with my Father far outweighed the humiliation of crashing and the painful scrapes to my elbows and knees.

I think that the element of the unknown is one of the stronger uniting factors among cyclists. We never really know how the ride will end up but far more often than not, it is better than whatever else we would be doing. However, the reality is that whether we are training for a race, commuting to work or enjoying a leisurely cruise, every time we go out and ride our bikes, at any speed, we are taking a very real risk. In case you were wondering, cycling is a pretty dangerous sport recreationally and downright treacherous competitively.

I have been hit by cars, crashed out by numerous Freds, broken bones and have lost more layers of skin than I care to remember, all because of my desire to ride my bike. In fact, I was recently reminded of these risks as I swatted away the wasp that had just stung me on the eyelid as I descended Lefthand Canyon the other day. I never know that I am going to crash or get hit by a car or stung by a bee before I go out, although I do always recognize that it is a possibility.

But despite all of the potential hazards, the possibility of having a great ride and the life-affirming enjoyment it brings makes it worth the risk. It was difficult convincing my Mother of this after I got hit by a car and broke both of my collarbones the day before Thanksgiving in 1989, but she managed to understand. Or at least she pretended to.

Anyway, I’m still not entirely sure when I officially became a “cyclist”, I just know that I have used the term to define myself for the better part of my three decades of existence. I have gone from “passenger” to “rider” to “racer” and everything in between, but for all intents and purposes, I may have never even had a choice as to whether or not the term “cyclist” would constitute a critical element of who I am as human being.

Having been exposed to the bike and the joys of riding at such a young age, I truly believe that I have had cycling in my blood since my Dad first strapped me into that kiddie seat on the back of his old ten-speed. I probably could have resisted it and, like most of my childhood friends, forgotten the joy that riding a bicycle brings. But thankfully, my family supported my urge to risk life and limb on two wheels and allowed me to make cycling a critical part of my life.

So thank you Mom, Dad, C-Mac and everyone else that has encouraged me to follow my passion. I am forever grateful and can only hope that other young, would-be cyclists have a support system like mine. Cycling is a wonderful sport and I am certain that I am a better person for having been involved in it since those days on the back of my Father’s bike.

The Name Game

I have been thinking about first names recently. I believe it is a function of a co-worker being pregnant and C-Mac and I looking at adopting a stray cat that has been hanging out at the house. For reference, we think her name will be "Celery." The cat, that is.

Anyway, last names, or surnames if you want to get technical, are fairly rigid so if you're stuck with a bad one...tough. Just ask Dick Butkus. Sorry about that, blame your distant ancestors. Or the INS if your surname had the misfortune of being "Americanized" upon your family's arrival to the States. Although I think Coors looks better on a beer can than Kuhrs would. Just saying.

But first names, or given names, are just that...given. Every generation is offered a small but valuable opportunity to get the next crop of "Whatevers" off on the right foot with a good, positive first name. Sadly, many parents are woefully negligent of this opportunity...no, that's not strong enough, let's go with...obligation. Parents have an OBLIGATION to their kids to name them responsibly.

And if the sports and entertainment world is any indication...many parents are not living up to their end of the bargain. And even worse, many are potentially contributing to the growing illiteracy rate in this country. For example: Jerramy Stevens, Jerame Tuman and Geramy Rodamer are all prominent football players and Jeromy Burnitz was an MLB outfielder for about 14 years.

In case you were curious, Jeremy (correct) is a form of Jeremiah and ALL of these spellings are WRONG. In fact, I blame Jerramy Stevens’ horrible Super Bowl performance and subsequent DUI in Seattle on the fact that his name is spelled incorrectly. No real Jeremy would have behaved like that. Except maybe Jeremy Miller aka Ben Seaver from Growing Pains. That kid is bad news. Anyway, Stevens has been overcompensating for that misspelled birth certificate his whole life. That’s on you, Mr. and Mrs. Stevens.

Now, in the grand scheme of genetics and socialization, naming your child wouldn't seem to be at the top of the Overall Parental Duties list. But trust me, it is and should probably be moved up in the order. It’s not as lighthearted and fun as naming your cats Cosmo and Celery. Additionally, blatantly misspelling a "normal" name is just as bad as naming your kid "Dweezil" or "Apple" or whatever. Granted, it helps if your surname is Zappa or Paltrow but come on...isn't growing up hard enough?
With that said, the sport of cycling has remained fairly untainted by the questionable naming and spelling choices plaguing professional athletics and entertainment. Except for the Fabian Phenomenon, which I detailed earlier. But I think we came to a favorable resolution with that one after all the data was collected.

So, since there is not much use in heckling the names of the riders, I thought it would be interesting to look at the origin and meaning of some high-profile first names in the world of professional cycling. Since many names, such as the aforementioned Jeremy, are cultural forms of earlier “root” names, I will try to get to the original meaning.

Cycling Geneology 101: The Given Name

LANCE – Lance Armstrong
From the Germanic name Lanzo, a short form of names that began with the element land meaning "land".

I always thought this was a crazy name because it is a Noun, a Verb and kind of an Adjective in some senses with regard to Armstrong. This is probably the most “Heckle-able” name on the list though. Lance rhymes with too many things and kids are too creative with names like this.

GREGORY – Greg LeMond
From the Latin Gregorius, which was from the late Greek name Γρηγοριος (Gregorios), which was derived from γρηγορος (gregoros) meaning "watchful, alert".

Now we know why LeMond has been so involved in all these public disputes and slanderous accusations. He was born “watchful and alert” so I guess he can’t help calling it how he sees it. He sure could have used those qualities while he was hunting back in ’87 though. Oops.

GEORGE – George Hincapie
From the Greek name Γεωργιος (Georgios) which was derived from the Greek word γεωργος (georgos) meaning "farmer, earthworker", itself derived from the elements γη (ge) "earth" and εργον (ergon) "work".

Once again, this is a very apt name for one of the best “workers” in the sport. Perhaps the “earth” part explains some of his problems in Roubaix, Eneco and California. And the “Farmer” part is clearly a reference to the tan lines.

LEVI - Levi Leipheimer
Means "attached" in Hebrew. In the Old Testament Levi was the third son of Jacob and Leah, and the ancestor of one of the twelve tribes of the Israelites (the tribe that eventually became the priests of the Israelites).

Okay, now this is a great example of how hard someone has to work to get over the limitations of their first name. Leipheimer was clearly “attached” as a racer for much of his career. He could usually hang in there but never really separated himself from the group. Things changed somewhat this year as he stretched the shackles of his “Levi-ness” a few times in the TdG, TdF and USPRO but I think he will always be fairly Levi, no matter what.

BJÖRN – Bjarne Riis
From an Old Norse name meaning "bear".

Seems pretty fitting, even though he is known as the Eagle. Regardless, those are two good animals. Question: Does a bear dope in the woods?

CHRISTOPHER – Christophe Moreau
Means "bearing Christ", derived from Late Greek Χριστος (Christos) combined with φερω (phero) "to bear, to carry". Christopher was the legendary saint who carried the young Jesus across a river.

This meaning may explain some of the rather lofty expectations carried by La Chien Moreau. Although I have to think that “young Jesus” was probably pretty light. Solid diet, super good strength to weight ratio.

ALEXANDER – Alexandre Vinokourov, Alejandro Valverde
From the Greek name Αλεξανδρος (Alexandros), which meant "defending men" from Greek αλεξω (alexo) "to defend, help" and ανηρ (aner) "man" (genitive ανδρος).

The meaning of this name would be much more appropriate if they switched it to “defended men” or “to be defended, helped.” Close, but not quite.

OSCAR – Oscar Freire, Oscar Pereiro,
Means "deer lover", derived from Gaelic os "deer" combined cara "lover". In Irish legend Oscar was the son of the poet Oisin and the grandson of the hero Fionn mac Cumhail. The name Oscar could also represent a revival of an Old English name (meaning "god spear" from Old English os "god" and gar "spear").

I am not sure how Oscar became a popular Spanish name but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be quite as common if everyone knew what it meant in Gaelic. Common meanings in Spain vary between “Rainbow Jersey Wearer” and “2nd Place.”

THOMAS – Tom Boonen
Greek form of the Aramaic name Te'oma which meant "twin". In the New Testament this is the name of the apostle who doubts the resurrected Jesus. According to tradition he was martyred in India.

If Tom Boonen had a twin, Belgium would explode. And they would win Flanders on a tandem bike.

PHILIP – Phil Ligget
From the Greek name Φιλιππος (Philippos) which means "friend of horses", composed of the elements φιλος (philos) "friend" and ‘ιππος (hippos) "horse".

Are they talking about Paul or Bob?

TYLER – Tyler Hamilton
From an occupational surname meaning "tiler of roofs" in Old English.

If the Operacion Puerto thing doesn’t get cleared up this may be a viable career option.

PAUL – Paolo Bettini
From the Roman family name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" in Latin.

They got the “small” part right but the gold helmet and shoes pretty much did away with the “humble” element.

LLOYD – Floyd Landis
From a surname derived from Welsh llwyd meaning "grey".

Floyd is a variation of Lloyd apparently. Feel free to read whatever you want into this meaning. Grey has a lot of connotations, but not nearly as many as say…Dick Pound for example.

Arbitrary Cogitation - Show Me...Something

So, the road racing season is drawing to a close and the final big event in the U.S. is the altogether confusing Tour of Missouri. Or Missourah, Mizzou or whatever else the local yokels call it. Regardless of your chosen pronunciation, it’s not exactly the first place that comes to mind when thinking about bike racing. Just out of curiosity, is anyone else concerned that the primary locations for two of the biggest events in domestic cycling are Georgia and Missouri? Maybe it’s just me but this seems odd.

Anyway, what does come to mind when thinking of The Show Me State besides its strangely anti-social state motto? Show you what Missouri? Why so skeptical? Well, I can only speak for myself so I will go over a short list of the things that I think about when forced, somewhat unwillingly, to ponder this odd Midwestern/Southern state.

1) The Missouri Compromise, the Dred Scott case and the Mason-Dixon Line – Missouri has a pretty fascinating socio-political history. Not entirely pleasant but interesting nonetheless. A volatile Southern/Midwestern identity crisis has led to a checkered judicial history as well, that has often seen Missouri as a stomping ground of racial and social issues that still exist to this day. No wonder Rush Limbaugh lives there.

Did you know that Missouri is one of only two states that border 8 other states? I’m not sure why, but for some reason I think that is crazy. 8 other states! Are you kidding me?
Maybe all the borders contribute to the weird social make-up of Missouri. I don’t know.

I do know that Missouri's borders physically touch a total of eight different states, as does its neighbor, Tennessee. Missouri is bounded on the north by Iowa; on the east, across the Mississippi River, by Illinois, Kentucky, and Tennessee; on the south by Arkansas; and on the west by Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska (the latter across the Missouri River.)

Now, I’m cool with Iowa and Illinois but the other six neighbors may leave a little bit to be desired in the culture department. Sometimes you are judged by the company you keep.

2) Nelly – I always thought it was weird that Cornell Haynes Jr. aka “Nelly” wore Band-Aids on his face and fashioned himself as a “Southern Country” type of guy. Last time I checked, St. Louis wasn’t terribly country and not too far south either. And why would you want to affiliate yourself with the South as a rapper anyway? But then again, how can we ever hope to understand the machinations of the man that gave the world “Pimp Juice” and thought it was okay to call out KRS-One? Like Chino XL said, “What’s next? Beyonce battling Rakim?”

3) The Los Angeles Rams – My hatred of all L.A. sports teams didn’t completely transfer to the Rams when they moved to St. Louis…but I still don’t like them. And I still call them the Los Angeles Rams. The switch to gold instead of yellow will never erase my childhood nightmares of Eric Dickerson and his stupid Kurt Rambis glasses.

The matching flat top haircuts of Kurt Warner and his wife didn’t help my appreciation of the Rams very much either. But they did make me smile.

4) National Lampoon’s Vacation – For some reason I always love the scene when the Griswold’s take the wrong exit in the Family Truckster and end up in East St. Louis. It just doesn’t get much better than Clark trying to keep Ellen, Rusty and Audrey calm with gunfire in the background. Goodbye hubcaps, hello comedy gold.

Speaking of goodbyes, has anyone seen Chevy Chase lately? I never thought Anthony Michael Hall would be more popular in 2007 than the man who played Clark Griswold and Ty Webb, two of the greatest movie characters of all time. You never know.

Just for reference, Cousin Eddie lived in Kansas, not Missouri. Close but no real tomato ketchup.

5) Branson – Billed as “The Family Friendly Las Vegas,” Branson is just a weird, weird place from what I have been able to tell. With more neon signs and country musicians than should ever be allowed by law in one location, I think Bart Simpson summed up Branson well when he stated “My Dad says it’s like Las Vegas – if it were run by Ned Flanders.” Sounds like fun huh?

Is gambling okay if it is controlled by conservative, right-wing Christians? The fine people of Branson, Missouri say “Yes. Yes it is.”

Speaking of the Simpsons, many argue that their hometown of Springfield is in Missouri although the show makes a point of never clearly identifying which state it is in. I am not ashamed to know this.

5) The Fifth Down – The only other thing that really sticks out in my mind when I think about Missouri is the infamous “Fifth Down” that the University of Colorado football team took advantage of to beat Mizzou a few years back.

To recap, the “Guy who holds the down markers” spaced out, didn’t flip over his down cards and ended up allowing CU five downs instead of the customary four allotted for each series of attempts at a first down or score. How a whole stadium of people, the Missouri players and coaching staff and all of the referees failed to notice that they played five downs will always baffle me. But my school won the game because of it so I guess it worked out okay. Go CU!

So, yeah…The Tour of Missouri. I still don’t know what to think. Show Me…something, even though the race has apparently been gift-wrapped for Big George Hincapie after the second stage. It would be cool to see local guy Willdren of the Frischkorn get on the final podium but...how ‘bout those exciting GC standings in the TdG and ToM this year eh fellas? Yeah...15 and 30 minute gaps do not make for exciting "Tours."

Speaking of Melanie Hincapie’s husband…did anyone happen to catch GH’s post-race comments after the USPRO? Yeah, not exactly happy to have been on the second step that day (even though he was still taller than Levi). I guess maybe George forgot the selflessness Levi displayed last year and all of the subsequent criticism he took for it. Seriously, Leipheimer got a ton of heat for fetching bottles and basically shelling the field for Hometown Hincapie in 2006. Yet, I don’t recall Levi saying he that he could have won and that he had “great legs but just couldn’t use them” like Small George did this year.

But this brings up an interesting topic that Dave Towle and Bob Roll touched on during the coverage that doesn’t get a lot of attention. I am speaking of the fact that a good number of guys racing at this point in the year have not had their contracts renewed for the 2008 season and have essentially been fired from their current teams or have already signed on elsewhere and are essentially racing against their future teammates. Needless to say, there are conflicts of interest a-plenty in September. And since George will be rocking T-Mobile pink next year, the Disco blue probably didn’t mean quite as much that day.

Even though the Pro Tour guys get most of the attention, I always wonder about the Grunts at this time of year. I’m talking about the guys that are scrambling, trying to make a living racing their bikes. The guys that don’t know whether they will be fighting it out on the NRC circuit or just hoping to catch on with a good regional elite team next year. The guys who are deciding how much longer they can risk life and limb in a profession that may force them into a second job in the offseason. How do you keep sacrificing your own chances when you have already lost your spot on the team? I wish there was more attention paid to this late-season dynamic in a sport where motivation plays such a huge role in performance.

With regard to motivation…I am beginning to think that the UCI must be punishing Spain for the whole Operacion Puerto scandal by throwing Alejandro Valverde under the bus before the World Championships. Of all the ridiculous events that have followed the OP Affair, this may take the cake. Has the UCI identified what exactly they have found in the Puerto documents that makes them so certain Valverde was involved? And has the Spanish Federation responded to the evidence the UCI claims to have? Am I talking to myself and wasting my time by even caring at this point? Will this freaking case ever see ANY kind of resolution at all?

Final not on the Worlds though: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. And I don't mean Pereiro.

But speaking of frustrating delays…how about our boy Lloyd Flandis? Remember him? It has now been well over a full calendar year since the Mad Mennonite was fingered by the French Lab of Dopes and he is still flapping in the breeze.

I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to have your entire professional reputation and future riding on a verdict that takes over a year to reach. So much for the right to a speedy trial. Every day that passes without resolution is another day that Landis will never be able to recover. It is SHAMEFUL that this process has dragged on for so long. Guilty or innocent…no one deserves to be kept in limbo like this. They say a verdict will be announced by the end of September but I’ll believe it (maybe) when I see it.

Finally, I would like to end on a high note and mention Taylor Phinney’s recent Individual Time Trial victory in the Junior World Championships.

I can proudly say that I have known the Phinney’s for a little over 17 years and actually met the family when Connie was pregnant with their eldest son. I was a Junior racer for their shop team back then and I have to say, it makes me feel a bit old to see Taylor rubbing elbows in local Pro/1/2 events in Colorado and getting World Championship jerseys.

I had a chance recently to spend some time with Connie and Davis at Thomas Prehn’s birthday party as well as the following morning’s group ride and it was great to see how proud they are. And also how mellow they are about it. This is a family that truly appreciates the value of life on a daily basis and it is heartwarming to know that they have been able to experience this. Listening to Davis talk about Taylor with the expertise of a coach and the love of a father is something I will not soon forget.

Greg LeMond might be concerned about the young Phinney’s future as a professional cyclist, but I have little doubt that he has the support structure needed to be as successful as he wants to be. As Davis says proudly and knowingly, "He's got a huge engine."

And suddenly I am reminded of why I love this sport.

Listen To Cicero

Cicero’s Six Mistakes of Man:

• The delusion that individual advancement is made by crushing others


• The tendency to worry about things that cannot be changed or corrected


• Insisting that a thing is impossible because we cannot accomplish it


• Refusing to set aside trivial preferences


• Neglecting development and refinement of the mind and not acquiring the habit of reading and studying


• Attempting to compel other persons to believe and live as we do.

By most accounts, Marcus Tullius Cicero was a pretty sharp guy. He may have been a bit wishy-washy at times, but it's safe to say that his Six Mistakes of Man have a good deal of merit.

The fifth mistake may not fully apply, but the others could be easily applied to the UCI/ASO feud. Cicero was an Italian lawyer too, so maybe he could have brokered something. Where are Bill and Ted with their Time Machine phone booth or Marty McFly and his DeLorean when you need them?

I like quotes a lot. I find a certain comfort in reading the inspiring, funny or stupid things other people (often far more respected than me) have uttered or written. Recently, as professional stresses have increased, I have found myself going back to some quotes involving Character, Adversity and Virtue among others. Most of these apply directly to my situation, but they also have a clear relevance to the current state of professional bicycle racing as well.

Here are a few quotes and comments.

"But rules cannot substitute for character." — Alan Greenspan, chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve Board (b. 1926)

No matter what rules, tests and penalties are instituted to rid the sport of cheating...the end result will be dictated by the character (or lack thereof) of the riders. And since, at least the last time I checked, most of the riders are human beings...there will be cheaters. To say that catching people breaking the law is indicative of a problem does not account for this fact. I am far more skeptical of sports that never catch anyone. As Tommy C. said:

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." — Thomas Carlyle, Scots-English historian and author (1795-1881)

The German TV stations that rode out of the Tour on their high horses probably still broadcast soccer games, right? Yeah, and all those footballers on the Operacion Puerto list have been pulled from their teams and publicly revealed right? Oh...yeah.

"I have not observed men’s honesty to increase with their riches.” — Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father and third U.S. president (1743-1826), in a letter to Jeremiah Moor, 1800

Okay, Tommy J's reputation has taken a bit of hit recently, and rightfully so, but he did leave us with some pretty good quotes in between the philandering and slave ownership. The whole "We hold these thruths to be self evident" thing was pretty solid, but I am particularly fond of the above quote because Tom just flat out tells it like it is.

The bottom line is that as long as there is a bottom line, there will also be a bottom of the barrel. And there will be people willing to get pretty dirty down there.

"It is more shameful to distrust one’s friends than to be deceived by them." — François duc de la Rochefoucauld, French epigrammatist (1613-1680)

One of the things I find most disconcerting about the assumption of guilt placed on those within the cycling community is that a resistance to openly slander current and former colleagues is now interpreted as nearly an admission of collusion. I question the notion that you must name names or publicly defame other riders or team staff to prove your commitment to a clean sport.

"The proper man understands equity, the small man profits." — Confucius (K'ung Fu-tzu), Chinese sage (551-479 B.C.)

This one from Donna Changstein's favorite philosopher goes out to the ASO and the other Grand Tour organizers. For the future of the sport, there needs to be a distribution of power and influence between the events. Think about it, what is the image of the recent Grand Tour winners? Ummm, not so good is it? And the power structure is such that these guys are the primary faces of the sport for better or worse.

But if you look at the Classics and many of the "second tier" events, there seems to be a much more legitimate representation. I don't know, maybe they are just as bad but it just seems like the ASO is trying so hard to keep the spotlight on itself, but it's not using the right facial cleanser or something. And the whole sport is looking ugly as a result.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jelly beans." — Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president (b. 1911)

Our 40th President of the United States, ladies and gentlemen. Okay that was just for fun.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory." — Steven Wright, American comedian (b. 1955)

This is for all of the half-admissions, media-money-induced confessions and post-career-mortem mea culpas. It makes for a curious situation when you cannot be certain of denials or admissions.

“It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.” — Upton Sinclair, American author and politician (1878-1968)

A doozy from the only author that has made me throw up while reading. Seriously, The Jungle, you should read it. In the bathroom.

Anyway, I think this applies in a number of ways to those within professional cycling over the last few decades. People will often compromise their ethics when livelihoods are at stake, whether it's in a meat packing facility or the pro peloton.

"We cannot learn without pain." — Aristotle, Greek philosopher (384-322 B.C.)

It's tough to expand on Aristotle. I guess this one speaks for itself. Arnold Out.

You Asked For It

So...I guess this has been a crazy Tour. And considering that I have a number of unanswered emails in my Inbox from friends and family asking me "WTF?", I figured this may be a good opportunity to maintain my well-earned reputation of spotty correspondence and get some thoughts out there in a completely public and impersonal forum. Sorry kids but it's all about efficiency right now.

While it’s impossible to cover everything, here are a few of my thoughts on the proceedings:

First of all, doping is something that I have unfortunately grown accustomed to. I obviously don’t like it, but I realize that cheating is a function of human nature and there will likely never be a truly “pure” sport when there is this much coin involved. It goes on in every walk of life…cycling is just under the microscope more often.

Some newer issues for me involve the way this whole “cleansing process” is being handled. By the UCI and ASO, WADA, the teams, the media and even the riders themselves.

For example, when you kick out the leader of the biggest race in the world based on the Italian TV testimony of a former racer who says he saw him in the Dolomites when he should have been in Mexico…you pretty much tell everyone that they are fair game to be taken down by speculation. That is SCARY. With the money at stake for these Pros, the prospect of shady leaks and hearsay being a determining factor in who is and who is not allowed to race (to earn a living) is very real. That’s horrifying.

Imagine if Baseball or Football wouldn’t let people play if ANYONE within shouting distance of a journalist said that so-and-so was on the juice or cheating? Regardless of hard proof. There wouldn’t be a game played in either league. FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS!!!! And the cost associated with leveling the Hall of Fame buildings for each sport would be astronomical.

I guess proof is kind of unnecessary at this point. Who needs a positive test or a completed B-Sample analysis? Especially when the Labs are in cahoots with the Race Organizers and whoever else willing to pay them more than their piddly annual salary for a juicy leak? You think these frogs in the Labs don’t have a stake in this? No leak money if there isn’t a positive, right? And the bigger the name…the bigger the stack of small, unmarked Euros right?

Now, I’m not being pessimistic here…I’m being rational. This is human nature we’re talking about. There has been a pretty clear precedent for this type of activity in all those dusty old history books. Throw in the multi-million dollar pissing match being waged by the UCI and the ASO and the riders all of the sudden become chess pieces in the INFINITELY more corrupt world of big business. Do you think these organizations care if a rider is falsely accused and loses everything? I can’t say for certain, but considering the UCI’s history of doping prosecution and the ASO’s shareholder interests…I’ll say no, they don’t. Especially if it makes the “other” organization look bad and strengthens their own side in the battle for dollars.

Honestly, I have to wonder if Rasmussen (who, I admit, does have a suspect history within the whispery rider-world) was something of a pawn in all of this. He may have been a “Man In Black” or a downright cheater, I don’t know, but with regard to the Hard Data he played by the rules of the game. He pushed them to their limits but he stayed within them nonetheless. Does that make him a deserving winner of the Tour?

Well…I can’t say…but the clock said so. But apparently, the clock is not the only judge in the Tour de France. Even though just a few days ago the ASO, the UCI and Rabobank all spoke in support of him. Not so fast Chicken.

One of the things that I find most disconcerting is the willingness of the organizations, the media, the teams and even a fair amount of the riders themselves to immediately presume that someone is guilty. Prior to a B-sample test, prior to the rider being formally notified and even prior to a positive result. I understand that more often than not, where there is smoke there is fire, but I also seem to recall of a number of historical circumstances where smoke-based prosecution didn’t turn out very well. For anyone.

Having entire teams pulled from the race because one guy may or may not have cheated is just plain stupid. And really pretty childish. Once again, I understand the notion that one must be accountable and realize that their actions will affect others, but…when has this type of behavior EVER mattered or determined whether or not someone was going to break the rules? Yeah…probably not since 5th grade. In the ADULT world, all it does is unfairly punish those that have followed the rules and make them more bitter about the whole process. The bottom line is that those that feel they need to cheat…will cheat. Whether their classmates get mad at them or not.

The team-wide expulsion also completely ignores the fact that most of these guys “compete” with their teammates more than they do with anyone else. How much more money do you get from Cofidis or Astana if you make the Tour team? I don’t know…but I bet it’s a bigger chunk than you get riding the Tour of Austria, wearing the exact same jersey. The teammates are going to likely be the last guys to know if one of their own is cheating. They’d probably be better off telling someone on another team that they won’t be fighting for a roster spot with. How can those within the SPORT not understand this? Punishing the team as a whole is the definition of cutting of your head to spite your nose.

Once again, imagine if this were another sport. “Umm, yeah, sorry New York Yankees. How about you guys leave the World Series because we think that Jason Giambi may have taken some performance-enhancing drugs at some point? You okay with that? Sorry Jeter. Sorry Rivera. Giambi may or may not have done something, but just to be safe, we’d like it if you left for an indeterminate amount of time.”

Or better yet…can you imagine Steinbrenner pulling the team because he thought someone had been on the juice? But then again…I don’t think Steinbrenner is a French name. Can you imagine The Boss running a French cycling team? He’d fire everyone in about 4 days. Joe Torre and Johann Bruyneel could be brothers from different mothers though. Super cool cats, the both of them. Lots of similarities there.

But that’s where the similarities between American Sports and European pro cycling seem to end. And even though it’s frustrating to watch juiced-up freaks go undetected or unnoticed in Baseball and Football while Professional Cycling is actually making efforts to clean itself up, at least we have the hope of a more legitimate product in the end. The harder you look, the more you find. The cleansing process could certainly be handled in a more professional and intelligent fashion but at least it’s happening.

Needless to say, cycling’s hands are pretty dirty right now but at least it has acknowledged the funk. I just hope that the “cleansing process” (and I use that term with all of the historical weight it deserves) does not claim too many innocent victims.

SERENITY NOW

“And at the Tour de Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!”

“I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it. You, Professional Cycling, the newspapers tell me your sport STINKS!

“Sinkewitz, Vinokourov, Moreni and Rasmussen. You guys may have really blown it for everyone. Or maybe not. Maybe it was the terrifying possibility that increased tests performed under increased external stress would likely increase the likelihood of errors generated by an under-paid, over-worked group of poorly-trained lab technicians. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter because you were done-for the moment those results were leaked. Or whatever the standard process is. Go get lawyers because that ‘contract’ is likely not worth the paper it was written on.”

“ASO and UCI. You guys are like two spoiled kids, so quick to blame and overreact. You both cry about the scourge of doping in cycling and yet you fail to understand that a unified front, without ulterior motives and rash judgment, is the best way to affect change. Or maybe you just care about the sponsors and the cash to run your empires…er…businesses…um…organizations?”

-- If Frank Costanza was a cycling fan.

I could never get as riled up as Frank Costanza but I have to tell you…this has been a pretty frustrating few days as a bike racing enthusiast.

Oh, you think so Doctor?

There are a lot of thoughts and theories that I simply don't have the time to articulate right now however, I think most people are just kind of shaking their heads at this point. But those with a more intimate knowledge of or connection to professional cycling could use a healthy dose of Serenity Now in the wake of this 3-week French Soap Opera.

But instead of seeking refuge elsewhere (Seinfeld DVD's), I’m sitting here watching a replay of the most important stage of the Tour de France which was won by the overall leader and yellow jersey wearer. Who was subsequently fired from his team and removed from the race later that evening.

Because he was in Italy when his “papers” said he should have been in Mexico.

I can’t say what he did or didn’t do except that he didn’t test positive for anything. But…I guess that is not really important when the governing bodies decide they don’t want you to win a particular race. Sorry Chicken…I guess it wasn’t meant to be. If you got kicked out of the Tour because of an “administrative error” only, it will be one of the greatest shames in the history of this sport.

And I am watching this stage the day after watching replays of a race won by the most dynamic personality in the Tour. Who was then kicked out of the race for alleged blood doping.

It’s become a pretty depressing evening and then…

I see the clip of the naked guy running alongside Levi after his attack on the Col d’Aubique and start laughing hysterically. That guy was hauling ass. Bare white ass. And he's like the fifth or sixth naked guy I've seen running alongside riders this year. Not to mention the Borat slingshot sightings. The Devil is going to have to start wearing butt-less tights just to keep up. Or maybe not.

And then it hit me like a dog into a carbon fiber rim. The Tour is RIDICULOUS.

How can anything surprise us when naked people are allowed to run along the playing field and stray dogs can be a legitimate hazard?

I mean seriously, what other event has the WORLD’S BEST ATHLETES in the most important part of the most important race actually have a completely naked spectator run alongside them for like 100 meters? Within inches…ridiculous.

This is why I love the Tour and hate the Tour.

I hate how crazy and dangerous and scandalous it is. I hate that it has become bigger than all of the other fantastic races combined in the eyes of the public and the sponsors. I hate that it dominates the understanding (or lack thereof) of all the stale LA-leftover psuedofans and the U.S. news sources, who all consistently portray my favorite sport like a joke.

But I love bike racing. And I love getting completely absorbed by the Tour every summer. I love the competition and the suffering. The scenery and the spectacle. It is truly the greatest sporting event in the world.

But again, that’s part of why I hate it. It’s a vicious cycle…and we still have a few days left.

Dr. J's Puzzler o' the Day -- Below is a little word game I just came up with. See if you can fill in the blanks for these general definitions and locate any similarities to the current situation in professional cycling. Maybe, maybe not. Just wanted to do a little research…

As a result of ___________, suspicions were often given credence despite inconclusive or questionable evidence, and the level of threat posed by a person's real or supposed associations or beliefs was often greatly exaggerated. Many people suffered loss of employment, destruction of their careers, and even imprisonment. Many of these punishments came about through trial verdicts later overturned, laws that would be declared unconstitutional, dismissals for reasons later declared illegal or actionable, or extra-legal procedures that would come into general disrepute.

In modern terminology _____ ____ also has a metaphorical usage, referring to the act of seeking and persecuting any perceived enemy, particularly when the search is conducted using extreme measures and with little regard to actual guilt or innocence.

The practice of involuntary commitment has been described as a _____ ____, with systematic bias in the standards for involuntary commitment, the search for people to involuntarily commit, and the judicial procedures that may result in their commitment.

The term _________ describes a situation, idea, or condition that is identified as being inimical to the welfare of a free-society. An attitude and a policy of control by propaganda, misinformation, denial of truth, and manipulation of the past (including the "unperson"--a person whose past existence is expunged) practiced by modern repressive governments…or governing bodies.

And finally…________ is an annual holiday invented in 1966 by Reader's Digest writer and editor Dan O'Keefe and introduced to popular culture by O’Keefe’s son Daniel, a scriptwriter for Seinfeld.

Okay that last one was just for fun. I'm not saying...I'm just saying.

SERENITY NOW!!!!

Cold Blooded Super Freak

July 23, 2007 - Loudenvielle, France

After destroying the peloton en route to victory in Stage 15 of the Tour de France, Alexandre Vinokourov made a surprising admission during his post-race press conference on Monday. When asked how he was able to bounce back from disastrous days to earn wins in Saturday's time trial and Monday's mountain stage, Vino stated in simple, yet slightly accented English, "I am a Cold Blooded Super Freak."

At first, the largely European crowd of journalists were unsure of what the Kazakh rider meant. A moment of awkward silence was then broken by an American journalist who exclaimed, "You mean, like...Rick James?"

"Of course like Rick James. Who else could I possibly be referring to?" responded Vinokourov incredulously. "I owe everything to legendary Motown funk artist Rick James. Without him I would be nothing."

At this point, the normally stoic rider from the southern steppes of Kazakhstan launched into a remarkable account of clashing cultures that resulted in the creation of one of the world's best bicycle racers.

"I first met Rick when he came to my hometown of Petropavlovsk in Kazakhstan back in 1995, three years before I turned pro and right after he had been let out of jail. You remember, for the whole crack pipe deal?" began the 33 year-old leader of the Astana team.

"Anyway, I remembered hearing 'Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer back in the day and recalled that the sample was actually from some guy named Rick James. Someone told me that the original song was called 'Super Freak' and I immediately thought that was the best nickname in the world. I tried to get people to call me 'Super Freak' but it never really stuck. I'll always just be 'Vino' I guess."

The former T-Mobile rider continued, "So he comes to town and I'm as excited as if I had just beaten Levi Leipheimer for 5th place in the Tour. And then I end up scoring back stage passes to Rick's show. I really can't tell you what I saw back there but...yeah, I thought about some of that stuff during the time trial on Saturday."

"I mean...just the excitement of it all, you know?" clarified the winner of the 2005 Liege-Bastogne-Liege classic. "RJ, that's what he wanted me to call him, was actually a pretty big bike racing fan and was always like 'Yeah, motha#!%#in' Vino! You my main man Vino!' He used to always say that right before he asked me to smoke with him or burn someone with his pipe. Yeah...Rick was the best."

It was then that the man known for his attacking nature got slightly choked up as he recalled his final days with the popular funk musician and songwriter. "You know...I have had some people that we're very close to me lose their lives too early. The first was my dear friend and fellow Kazakh professional cyclist Andre Kivilev and the second was my main man Rick James. It was difficult to lose two people that I had so much in common with in such a short period of time. But it made me strong for the 2005 season and I silently dedicated my victories at L-B-L and the Champs to him."

The room had grown quiet in solemn respect as the Astana team captain slowly unzipped the collar of his sweater to reveal a string of gold chains with various crosses and medallions hanging from them. "Some of you may have noticed that I and my teammate Andreas Kloden have been rocking some pretty hefty bling during this Tour. In fact, the reason I crashed was because my necklaces moved and caused me to lose my balance. But that's cool, these are Rick James' chains man. I'm talking 'bout Rick James b&%$!, you know what I'm sayin?"

"He gave them to me when we hooked up after the San Francisco Grand Prix in 2003. I think that weekend took a few years off my career but I have to say that Rick's spirit has been with us this Tour. Doing sweet early on...eating it and losing almost all hope...then a mild resurgence and now who knows? Hopefully we won't be found dead of cardiac arrest with a bunch of pharmaceuticals and other drugs in our systems. But there's a lot of racing left so...you never know man."

The reporters had begun to murmer amongst themselves at this point and a French journalist asked what we should expect from Vinokourov and his Astana team in the final week of the Tour. The blonde Kazakh pulled the microphone from the stand and began to seranade the crowd with the following lyrics from Cold Blooded and Super Freak by Rick James.

"If we try
To get to know each other
You might find
You couldn’t trade me for another

She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street, ow girl"

Then Vinokourov dropped the microphone on the stage, pointed to the crowd, then to the left and walked off the stage as we all looked on in silence.

The TdF Halfway House of Pain

Now that we're a little over halfway through the Tour de France, I thought it would be a good time to put the first 11 stages in perspective and share some thoughts on the action so far. Forgive me if it gets a little freestyle in here but let's go back to Wee Britain for the start:

Prologue – While Fabian Cancellara put the Tony Montana on the rest of the field as expected, it was the performance of Andreas Kloden that really impressed me. You could fit two Klodens in that Rainbow striped skin-suit that the big Swiss-made CSC tank wears, but he basically gave a body blow to the rest of the contenders on Day 1.

Unfortunately, DZ was not firing (I mean, he only did the Giro and the Dauphine right before the last-minute Tour nod. Knuckle up.) and I had a feeling something was wrong when he lost a handful of seconds to the Magic Karpets' ride immediately. At least Cancellara seemed more comfortable speaking English in front of the camera than Zab did a few years ago.

Stage 1 – He may only be 5'7" but I'm pretty sure you don't want to get into it with Robbie McEwen. My Father always says that he and the Pocket Rocket are the exact same size and I don't think you want to start anything with Mr. Arnold either.

The crash was terribly unfortunate for R-Mac but his domination of the other sprinters in the first stage will make the Tour a success for him regardless. Did he have an extra gear on his bike or something? It didn't even seem fair. It would have been fun to see him go at it for the rest of the Tour but if he kept the form from Stage 1, he would have been untouchable anyway.

Stage 2 – It's taken a little while to sink in but I think I'm okay with a guy named Gert winning a stage of the Tour. He seems like a pretty good guy and I always like it when the Donkey gets the glory over the Thoroughbred. Not that Steegmans is a Donkey but…you know what I mean. Donkey Kong maybe.

One of the things that impressed me the most in this stage was the form that Gertrude displayed in the final kick. It was slightly uphill and the Really Big Belgian domestique was rock solid while the Other Really Big Belgian superstar and the rest of the sprinters were flailing all over the place, hopping wheels and generally being spastic. But Gert's line was the cleanest and his form was far superior. Boonen couldn't come around even if he had wanted to at that point. But I think that Tomeke was genuinely happy for his leadout man.

Stage 3 - I watched the finish of this stage maybe 10 times and saw something different with every viewing. The race basically exploded all over the road from the little cobble section and Cancellara's attack was the dynamite. Guys were looking around like "Did someone on a motorcycle jump throught there?"

By the time they realized what had happened Scarface had snorted the whole bag and was unloading everything he had on the field. Once again, if you watch the finish closely you see how solid Cancellara was even at that point. Just rock solid while the other guys were wiggling all over the road. I think that was one of the best finishes I have ever seen.

Stage 4 - Big Thor Hushovd. Owes Julian Dean big time. Great leadout by the Kiwi.

I think that Al Trautwig may have a man-crush on Thor Hushovd like George Costanza with Tony, the Mimbo. What ever happened to Dan Cortese and MTV Sports anyway...?

Stage 5 - This was actually a great stage. It reminded me of Milan-Sanremo and had the feeling of a one-day race for some reason. Pippo Pozzato continued the proud tradition of the Velo Fro and did his best Cipollini impersonation to take the win from Oscar Freire. I kind of worried that Pozzato would get a little too cool after he won MSR last year but Pippo takes care of business. That mane is out of hand though.

The BIG news of the day was the Kazakh voodoo Curse of Borat that came out in full force on the Astana team. I almost expected to see Greg Brady's Tiki head from Hawaii on one of Vino's many gold chains. Put it back in the cave Vino, didn't the Bunch teach you anything? Maybe they only had the first episode in Kazakhstan and never saw Greg's wipeout or the tarantula in Part 2.

A-Klod was the first to deck it off the side of the road and fractured his coccyx. I've never done it myself, but that sounds heinous. The crash looked so weak though. Like a 2 on the Nascar fanbase-o-meter.

Then Vino got a little air after his chain slipped and absolutely shredded himself at a scary speed. The footage of the following motorcycle having layed it down to avoid hitting him after the crash speaks to how quickly it must have happened. It was a valiant ride in to the finish but I didn't think either Kloden or Vino would start the next day. Super tough.

Stage 6 - At this point it was almost a matter of checking Boonen off the stage win list. It was a dicey sprint though and T-Boo had to make about 4 significant moves before he kicked through in front of Freire again. The overhead shot of the sprints are always fascinating. It's ridiculous how chaotic that last k is.

Bradley Wiggins actually put in a decent ride although he didn't seem too enthused about a solo day. It was fitting that a Brit got the most airtime that day and it did bring attention to the anniversary of Tom Simpson's death. It actually seemed somewhat callous that the Tour did not recognize it in some way after the British rider's request. Don't even get me started on the ASO right now though.

Stage 7 - Linus Gerdemann gave German cycling a brief rest from all of its recent grief by shelling his breakaway companions and enduring one vicious case of cotton-mouth on the final ride over the Colombiere and into Le Grand Bornand. He took the yellow, polka-dot and white jerseys along with the stage. Safe to say, it was a pretty solid result for the young Hilary Swank look-alike.

Big thumbs up for Bob Stapleton and the possibility of a truly clean team...oh, what? Huh...

Stage 8 - The first real mountain stage ended with a Chicken in Yellow and a Goat in the French National Champion's jersey. Rasmussen continues to basically just call his shot, pick a stage and leave everyone behind in the mountains. It's crazy. Never asks for help and guys just drop off his pace. He doesn't accelerate super hard, he just goes. People are underestimating him and he knows it. Don't sleep on Chicken.

Moreau attacked. Guys covered him. He attacked again. Got covered. Repeat. Repeat. French get all lathered up about his chances despite apparent mental handicap. Repeat. Repeat.

That group could have put BIG time into Levi, Sastre and the other guys that played it cool. But Moreau ruined it.

A-Klod impressed me again by nursing Vino through this stage while an easy-looking Kashechkin followed Moreau's antics. Kloden played the Number Two role again, but I think he may have kind of given up the Tour at that point after his crash. I don't know, it's such an odd dynamic with those two.

- By the way: I saw an interview with Horner the other day and he flat out called Kashechkin (usually but not necessarily accurately pronounced 'Kash-Ay-Kin') a name that I had never heard before. I'm pretty sure he called him "Cassius King" but I could be wrong. It could have been "Cassius Keen" as well. It certainly wasn't Kashechkin though. Does C-Ho know something that Paul, Phil, Bob and I don't? Horner makes me question my reality sometimes.

The "Not So Fast Young Man" Award went to Michael Rogers after crashing out of the most dangerous break of the Tour so far. Yes! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Stage 9 - It was unfortunate that the results sheet couldn't decide whether Juan or Mauricio Soler won the stage but one of them did. And he did it in a pure "These Are Not Mountains To Me" display of Colombian climbing bravado. How do you say "Altitude Schmaltitude" in Spanish?

Contador was riding like a crazed spider-monkey that had gotten on a bike at the circus and was roaming around the course and Popovich reminded me of a Russian mobster. I bet he's broken thumbs before. Disco is kind of a hard team.

Vino really cracked which was sad to see. It was interesting to see Horner and Vandevelde in the Vino and Cassius Keen group though. Even though they lost a chunk of time, that was a pretty select bunch.

Stage 10 - The record books say that Cedric Vasseur won the 10th stage sprint into Marseille but I'm still not entirely sure. In my world Jens Voigt goes in the break, Jens Voigt win the race. I know there are other possible realities but we'll see. I think JV presented by Chuck Norris will still have something more to say about it.

It did remind me of Henri from Cheers, yelling "France Wins! France Wins!" followed by Norm saying "Wow. You don't hear that very often" though. Which was nice. Is it wrong that Henri is my favorite French guy ever? The "telephone number contest" episode with Sam is pure gold.

Stage 11 - So much for another mellowish flat stage. Astana caught Christophe Moreau and AGR2-D2 sleeping after Le Chien and Gerrans touched up and all of the sudden...no more French podium contender. One couldn't help but think that Vino woke up mad and would have shelled anyone if they missed the split, but it must have been a little more encouraging to know that it was The Dog getting dropped. Moreau was the one attacking when Vino struggled up the Colombiere.

Oh and Robbie Hunter won the sprint and Freddie Rodriguez got taken down in the final stretch. Freddie continues to bear the curse of Emeryville. Maybe living that close to IKEA messes with your mojo.

Well, that's the first 11 stages. A lot has happened but I still have no idea who will win the Tour. I do think people are understimating Rasmussen but I could see Valverde, Evans or Levi winning the thing in the final TT. Levi has the praying-Landis aero position and technique now. And I know it's hotter in Santa Rosa than France so he should be in good shape for the final week.

We really won't know anything about the podium until that final TT though. But it should be a fun week.

The Chicken and The Fat Man

Not many people know this, but new Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen and I go way back. Most people think that he got the nickname “Chicken” because he is so skinny but in fact, I am actually the primary reason he was given the name when we were mountain bike racing back in Denmark. It’s kind of a crazy story and became something of an issue between us for a while but things are more friendly now. It did get a little chilly when he and I met up at the Tour of California recently though, so I don’t know if he’s totally forgiven me.


You see, it all began back in Denmark in the mid 90’s. Even though mountain bike racing was still a growing sport in Europe at the time, it was often difficult to make ends meet as an American so I was forced to pick up odd jobs from time to time in between races. As I was wandering around the town of Tollose on the day before the next event, I happened to run into Rasmussen and a few of his Danish teammates outside a coffee shop. They invited me to sit with them for a little bit while they practiced their English and asked me questions about Missy Giove and John Tomac.

After a little while a random guy came over and asked us if we were familiar with the Danish children’s program Bamses Billedbog. I had no idea what he was talking about but the Danes went crazy and started talking about how they always watched it when they were growing up. Apparently, it is a Sesame Street-esque kind of program where people dress in animal costumes and the primary characters are a Bear named Bamse and a Chicken named Kylling. As it turned out, the guy that was talking to us was actually the actor that played Bamse the Bear and he was trying to get someone to fill in for his partner, Kylling the Chicken, at a promotional event that was tied to the bike race.

At first, nobody was too excited to get into a Chicken costume but the Danish guys knew I was a little short on cash so they translated the situation for me and talked the actor who played the Bear into letting an American handle the role. The guy’s car was parked right out in front of the coffee shop so he opened up the trunk and sure enough, pulled out an elaborate Chicken outfit. By this point I was actually pretty excited about playing Kylling for a bunch of Danish kids but I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Sadly, the reason that the Bear actor needed help was because the Chicken actor had apparently gotten a little too Hollywood (or whatever the Danish equivalent is) and had developed a fairly hefty cocaine addiction as a result of the show’s success. Not only was this problematic from a reliability standpoint (as evidenced by my newfound job) but it had also been difficult on the wardrobe department as they had to constantly alter the Chicken costume to account for the actor’s dramatically falling weight.

To make a long story short, I had barely gotten the stockings of the Chicken suit up to my calves when the material became dangerously compromised. I didn’t think it would be cool to ruin the costume so I gave it back to the Bear actor and tried to apologize for having the legs of a normal bike racer. At this point, the Bear actor was starting to panic because he was going to be in serious trouble if he didn’t find someone about 5’10” who weighed less than 140lbs. Immediately, we all looked at the only man for the job.

Rasmussen was actually really cool about it. At first. We all basically guilted him into putting the Chicken outfit on and a few minutes later he piled in to the Bear’s car and took off. It was the next day that things got tense between me and the New Chicken. As it turned out, the children’s event that they had gone to went really late and the Bear didn’t end up bringing Rasmussen back to the team hotel until nearly midnight. Furthermore, all the little grubby kids were sneezing and slobbering all over the costume and by the time he got to the start line the next day, he had begun to sniffle. I rode over to him as we were warming up to ask how it went and he just looked over at me and said, “Not well Fatty, not well.”

Maybe it was a mental thing as a result of the “Fatty” comment but I ended up flatting twice and pulled out about halfway through the race. I can’t remember how Rasmussen ended up finishing but I distinctly recall hearing “GO CHICKEN” and “KYLLING RASMUSSEN” at various points throughout the event and for the remainder of the time I raced with him. Little did I know that he would be called “Chicken” for the rest of his career

When I asked him how he felt about people misinterpreting the origin of his nickname at the Tour of California he laughed and said, “Hey, I’d rather be known for being skinny than for dressing up in a Chicken costume.” Then he called me “Fatty” again.