The former Second Round pick for the Golden State Warriors (the only reason I care, even though he’s a Wizard now) regularly updates a phenomenally strange blog to which I was directed recently. It seems as though Agent Zero has been getting in some spins during the off-season and had some things to say about his bike skills and sense of self-preservation. Or lack thereof. Let the Hibachi start cooking below:
“My fear that I was having was falling, that was my biggest fear – falling on my leg. Wouldn't you know, we were riding on the freeway and I had to get off and go on the pike towards the airport and Crystal City. The people behind me were too close so I couldn't break and I had to just jump the curb going at least 15 miles per hour.Whoo! That wasn't a pretty sight. I had grass stains and all sorts of stuff. I fell on my good leg so it was nothing to worry about. All the cars were stopping and asking, "You alright?" I was like, "Yeah, you know, my ego is hurt but that's about it."
I wasn't wearing a bike helmet. The only people who wear bike helmets are 13-year old girls and Tony Hawk, but that's skateboarding and he's doing flips and stuff. I'm going straight. Ha, well I guess I did end up doing a flip off my bike, but it wasn't a planned one.” – Gilbert Arenas, Agent Zero
Nice. My favorite parts are that he was riding on the FREEWAY, that he makes it seem as though 15 mph is fast and that grass stains were a concern. I know DC is a big city, but there have to better places to ride than the Freeway or the Pike, right?
My least favorite part is when he directly heckles everyone besides 13 year-old girls and Tony Hawk for wearing a helmet. But you may have guessed that would be an issue with me already. Now...I can’t say how worried the Hibachi should be about crashing on his leg but I think he should probably worry more about his skull and brain.
Then again, judging from Agent Zero’s blog and personal history of odd behavior, I really don’t know what is going on in that melon and he may have already suffered a couple dingers. For a quick reference, please enjoy some of the many flavors of Hibachi cooking via Gilbert’s Wikipedia page below. Note – I wish I could make this stuff up. My swag was phenomenal? That’s Gold Agent Zero, Gold!
Courtesy of Wikipedia...“Gilbert Jay Arenas Jr. (born January 6, 1982 in Florida) is an American professional basketball player currently with the NBA's Washington Wizards.
Arenas was most often nicknamed "Agent Zero," but has increasingly been referred to as "The Hibachi."
While with the Warriors, he once took a shower at half time in full uniform. Before every game he would take a teammate's jersey and hide it in the locker room to make them look for it. Warriors teammate Adonal Foyle called him a "lunatic," and Troy Murphy said he used to lick or put baby powder on donuts he was forced to deliver to the team as a prank.
Arenas has been said to play online poker during the halftime of games, instead of resting or preparing for the second half. He disputes the accuracy of these stories, saying he was misquoted. Arenas says he does not play for money nor does he play online; instead, he plays on a DVD game of poker. On road trips, he will often eschew team outings on the town in favor of sitting in his room, ordering products from infomercials, such as a colon cleanser. In the same interview he said he preferred sleeping on the couch than on his bed, and that he once ate 12 cheeseburgers while on a road trip with the Wizards in Canada.
Arenas agreed to become a team captain for the 2005-06 season after declining the previous year because he said that many times he didn't even believe the things he was saying to his teammates. He has recently been given the nickname "The Black President", and calls himself the "East Coast Assassin", in reference to his quest to prove his abilities to those who did not vote for him to be a 2006 Eastern All Star reserve. Arenas has also begun to refer to himself as "Agent Zero"
During the 2003-04 season, Arenas tried to vote himself into the All Star game, trading a pair of shoes and a jersey for a box of ballots.
During the 2006 NBA season, he began to shout the word hibachi as he took field goal attempts in games, explaining, "You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi'." He has also stated that while he is scoring on opponents, he is "cooking chicken and shrimp" in reference to his "Hibachi grill," and that if his opponent wanted to double team him, he would "cook filet mignon" as well.
On January 3, 2007, Arenas hit a very long game-winning three-point shot to beat the Milwaukee Bucks. In a post-game interview, Arenas stated that he did not shout "hibachi" or "quality shot." Rather, he told reporters that "My swag was phenomenal."
Arenas is donating $100 for every point he scores in each home game this season (2006-2007) to local D.C. area schools, while team owner Abe Pollin is matching that contribution for each away game. He also mentors a D.C. boy who lost his family in a fire at age 10. Arenas takes him shopping, bowling, got him a job as a ball boy for the Wizards, and acts as a brotherly figure towards him.”
.....What can I say other than...”Wow.” I wish professional cyclists were as interesting as the Hibachi. Here is a guy who may very well be crazy, but he’s a heck of a player and all in all, a pretty solid human being. I mean, he’s never really gotten into trouble and by all accounts is deadly serious about his profession. The fact that he took $20k off of his teammate Deshawn Stevenson during a shooting contest at practice is a testament to his competitiveness at least.
But as fascinated as I am by the Hibachi, I really have to take umbrage with the helmet comment. What an unnecessary thing to say. If I were a 13 year old girl I would be terribly offended. And as a staunch supporter of helmet use, I am far more disturbed by his blog comment than say...this:
Anyway, the main issue is that some young kid who idolizes Arenas could refuse to wear the helmet his parents bought him because of these comments and end up on a ventilator for the rest of his life (or worse). I would never specifically blame Arenas if this happened but it would have to be noted that, as a role model who clearly appreciates his fame, it is TERRIBLY irresponsible to make such foolish and potentially damaging comments. Read the rest of the Hibachi's post on "A Bicycle Built For Zero" to get a better understanding of his popularity with the kids. MEN wear helmets too Gilbert. Responsible men who realize the consequences of our choices and actions and are concerned for the health and safety of the kids that look up to us. "Wizards Season In Jeopardy As Agent Zero Slips Into Coma After Bike Accident" might not be a great headline for a future post on the blog.Anyway, keep an eye out for Gilbert Arenas if you are ever riding along the Freeway or turnpike in Washington DC. He’s dangerous and potentially running at a very high temperature. But if you are a professional or competitive cyclist with a blog...please ask him for some advice because he is likely far more interesting than you. In the words of Snoop...”Don’t get mad, I’m only being real.”
Amazingly, these are actual questions from actual readers. Please note that I use the term “reader” liberally. Names have been removed to protect the ignorant, umm I mean…illiterate, hmmm…innocent. Here goes:
If I were sticking to these rules, it would be Van Damme all the way. He’s got the least amount of hair, he’s got an uber-Euro name and you know he loves the tight clothes. While none of these rules have much scientific foundation, they tend to be pretty good wagering tips.
But like I said, the Leaky Gas shorts are grotesque as well. Stripes are bad. Lime green and blue stripes are VERY bad. Then again, Di Luca’s pink splotchy Maglia Rosa duds were even worse. All in all, I have to say this is one of the worst “Pro Kit” years in recent memory.
Question: Who will win the Tour this year? Podium?
Question: If the Alexi Grewal quote “I never raced for fun in the first place, so I’m not going to start now” is your new favorite, what is the old one?
...This Guy
...Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver
Golf is WAY harder than it looks. Or...
My first introduction to the Velo Fro came from the legendary Andy Hampsten. Those who follow the sport will recognize that Hampsten is perhaps one of the greatest cyclists in American history. They will also attest to the fact the guy had one wicked Velo Fro going for a few years back in the late ‘80’s. The thing I appreciated most about Andy’s afro was its dryness. It was always fluffy and kind of cotton-y. Never all greased up like the Italian Velo Fro’s we will look at shortly. In fact, few people know that the stored-up heat in Hampsten’s wild and wooly, Colorado-grown Velo Fro was actually what propelled him to victory during the cold and snowy Giro in 1988. Insiders (okay…just me) have since dubbed the race “The Gi-fro d’Italia.”
Another contributor to the UCI helmet rule and the Gi-fro d’Italia phenomenon was the one and only Lion King himself, Mario Cip-fro-llini. Now this is basically the anti-Hampsten look. The Italian was known for his flamboyant style throughout his career but this photo was taken during Cip-fro’s time with the little known Soul Glow Cycling Team shortly after the release of Coming To America. Few people know that he used to scream “Just Let Your Soul Glow” as he crossed the finish line during his many sprint victories. One wonders how many more stage wins he would have gotten with a more aerodynamic do. 
Building off of Andy Hampsten’s legacy, another Boulder-based climbing specialist has taken a different approach to the Velo Fro. Over the last two decades, Scott “Morning Hair” Moninger has had almost the same number of follicular adventures as race wins. Okay, he has actually had about two-hundred more race wins but I like this Navigators-issue hairstyle in particular. You can almost see the hair dryer stuffed into his jersey pocket and the Poison tape in the walkman. Rock on Scott, rock on.
Although he is no Cipo, Franco “Il Dolfino” Pelizotti has done a fairly good job of letting his hair do the talking. It may be a bit too “Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister” for my personal taste, but at least those huge sunglasses on the forehead keep the locks in check when he’s doing pre and post-race socializing. I don’t really get the Dolphin nickname though. I’m no Marine Biologist (although George Costanza and I can fake it pretty well) but aren’t dolphins all slick and smooth? Flipper never rocked a Velo Fro. I think Pelizotti’s new nickname should be “Dee Snyder” and he should immediately start using “We’re Not Gonna Take It” as his theme song. Either that or he should be called Franc-fro Pelizotti.
And finally, let’s reflect on the most under-appreciated American cyclist of all time, Ron “Wookie” Kiefel. I am still waiting to hear back from the jury on this one, but I think that is his real hair, although I believe this photo was taken after he had retired. Just a hunch. It may come as a surprise to some but Ron’s real last name is actually Kiefunkel and he has a famous older brother named Art. You may recall Art from his work with Paul Simon in the seventies and eighties. The song “Bridge Over Troubled Water” was actually about Ron making it from the peloton to the breakaway in a particularly wet race for the 7-Eleven squad. It turns out that the duo’s manager didn’t like how “Simon and Kiefunkel” sounded so he ended up changing it to Garfunkel and the rest is history. Anyway, the resemblance is uncanny and should eliminate all doubt as to the legitimacy of their brotherhood. 
Over time we will gather some more data and create a Hair Hall of Fame but at least now you know…About the Velo Fro. 
Where Is Hunter S.?
Aspen Meadows