Thursday, January 10, 2008

Rock Racing Announces Canseco, Vick and Bin Laden Signings

January 10, 2008 - Los Angeles, CA

At a press conference held on a fashion show runway in Los Angeles, controversial professional cycling team Rock Racing announced the signing of Jose Canseco, Michael Vick and Osama Bin Laden to its roster for the 2008 season.

Team owner Michael Ball (aka John Kreese or “The Guy”) began the event by grabbing the microphone amid rock music and flashing strobe lights and yelling “Are you ready to f***ing rock?!?! We got some baaad motherf***ers in the house today!!”

The stunned and usually reserved group of cycling journalists remained silent and just looked around at each other as Ball continued to yell obscenities at them in an effort to “make this sport f***ing cool, man.”

“Okay, I’m here to announce that Rock Racing has added some serious badasses to the team. In addition to the recent signings of Sevilla, Botero and Hamilton – I got some hardcore dudes to back them up now and take some of the heat off” explained Ball to the confused crowd.

“You see, I’m all about giving people a chance, man” he continued. “And these cats have gotten a bad rap lately, you know? So I just want to prove that Rock Racing is all about giving people opportunities. Admitted steroid user? That’s cool. Convicted felon who murdered dogs? Hell yeah man, we got room for you. Terrorist mastermind and global threat? Sh**, you know that dude will bring some crazy publicity. Sign ‘em up!”

Ball then began to field questions by asking “Any of you motherf***ers got a problem with any of this s**t?"

Clearly nervous, a visibly uncool reporter stepped up to the microphone and asked why the team was hiring so many controversial figures.

“Like I said, these guys all just got a bad rap along the way somehow. Hiring the troubled racers was a no-brainer but I knew people would give me hard time about the non-cyclists like Canseco, Vick and Bin Laden. Especially Vick…people really like dogs. The other guys aren’t that bad though” said the founder of the Rock & Republic denim company.

“The team and I have been catching a lot of heat lately for some of the moves we’ve been making so I wanted to bring in some guys that really know something about cultivating an awful reputation. As with everything I do, it’s all about being extreme so I had to find the absolute best of the worst. And I think I hit it out of the park with Canseco, Vick and OBL, as I like to call him. You cannot find three guys with more combined ill will than these dudes. Trust me, I looked.”

At this point, Ball allowed recently signed Jose Canseco to make a brief statement. It should be noted that only Canseco was present at the announcement as Vick is currently behind bars and Bin Laden is often somewhat reclusive.

“I am really happy to be a part of the Rock Racing team. Michael Ball has been a friend of mine since back in the days when I could afford $400 jeans and it’s nice to be involved with a guy that I have so much in common with. It has been said that I am somewhat polarizing as well and I hope that my terrible reputation will soften some of the scrutiny being directed at some of the other members of our team” explained the former baseball player and steroid user.

“Plus, I can carry Oscar Sevilla and Tyler Hamilton with one arm and Santiago Botero with the other if the press gets a little rowdy or they need some security. I dated Madonna for a while so I know a thing or two about how to handle the paparazzi.”

Sensing that his new hire was on the verge of seeming somewhat helpful and sympathetic, Ball quickly took the microphone and began to address some other issues with Vick and Bin Laden, whom he admitted had far worse reputations than Canseco.

“I’m not sure how much racing Vick and OBL are going to be able to do this year but they will be integral parts of our team. If anything, these guys make me and the Operacion Puerto guys look like Mother Theresa. It may be a little hard for OBL to provide his whereabouts to the drug testers all the time but that’s cool. I dare those WADA vampires to find my boy out there for a random test” explained the heavily gelled and tanned fashion designer.

“Anyway, I have so much money that I can pay off any fines or whatever. I’ll just buy the Doping Agencies if I have to and make them cooler. That’s what it’s all about, man. Making things that rock and are f***ing cool!!”

Ball then wrapped up the event by having Canseco model the new Rock Racing team kit for 2008 which consisted of a bedazzled denim vest with snaps and cut-off jean shorts.


K-Fed said...

I think Britney Spears was hired as a soigneur.

And the Enron CFO is their accountant.

TreBone said...

LMAO! "...people like dogs." That's great!

Karl Rover said...

Good job on the post. You beat NYC Bike Snob and Velonews to the punch by one day. It was a veritable tripartite of Rock Racing nonsense.

Also, sweet photoshop with the dog and Vick. Too bad the dog wasn't biting him in the leg.

Jesse said...

I don't think Snoop Dogg has been signed yet... He could bring a lot to Rock Racing as well...

CaliRado Cyclist said...

It's almost too easy to heckle Rock Racing and M-Ball. There is just so much good material there.

Yeah, it looks like the timing was good on this post. Same with the Slipstream presentation and a few others when it comes to VN. And I'm not exactly quick to the punch considering I have an over-full-time job that has nothing to do with the sport.

I caught O'Grady's similar schpiel in the VN Rant. I just can't get with the particular style of whatever that is supposed to be.

Is he trying to be funny? Grumpy? The old-ass Andy Rooney of cycling commentary?

Humor is subjective though.

Timeliness and plagiarism...not so much. Oh well.

I guess that's why I am not a professional writer...yet.

Grey said...

Way to take it to the next level. Very good stuff.

Sebastian said...

too bad about cipo not signing on with these guys. not that i want to see mario running with the wrong crowd, of course, but i think he'd take to all the black and skulls very nicely, and he would provide a neat parallel to the case of david beckham -- aging eurotrash sports star forsaking an honest retirement to make a cool few million in la.

sebastian said...

whaddaya know? sometimes dreams do come true!