Thursday, January 22, 2009

Old Is The New New

While cruising the InterWebs recently, I happened upon a chat room for individuals who have returned to their respective professions after various periods of inactivity. With the causes of these competitive breaks ranging from pseudo-retirement to drug suspension and even outright felonious behavior, the current and former “pros” logged into the chat room represented many professions and even more circumstances. Below is an excerpt copied from the site:

- LA (Cycling): “Hey, who else is out there?”

- MJ (Basketball, Baseball, Gambling): “I just got off the golf course, but I think I have some time to kill before my poker game with Sir Charles.”

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating): “Hello. I am interested in learning some new and valuable lessons in this chat room. However, in keeping with my prior record I will not act on any of this knowledge.”

- A “P” J (Football, Making It Rain): “Yo, I just want y’all to know that just ‘cause you get back in the game doesn’t mean they want to keep you there. Take it from Pacman, you enable multiple strip-club shootings and people act like you’re some kind of bad person.”

- FL (Cycling, Whiskey Drinking): “The rest of you guys are bunch of crybabies. I am coming back from both a career-threatening injury AND a drug suspension. You got nothing on me.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Woman Dating): “Hey, don’t forget the old cappuccino days Son. I’m still The Comeback Man. You may only have one hip but I only have one…uhh…well, you get my point. I’m older and have far more of my legacy to lose but I’m in great shape and apparently still have some testosterone to burn. After all, you’d be amazed how hard it was to keep up with McConaughey these last few years.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity): “Hello everyone, it’s Iron Mike and I am back from a recent trip to Bolivion. I would just like to remind everyone to eat their vegetables and make sure that they know how to use a calculator. If I had known that such a simple device could have prevented me from wasting hundreds of millions of dollars and going bankrupt…well, things would have been a little different for me and maybe I wouldn’t have had to fight so many times. I think I remember Robin Givens bringing one home that was a prop from Head Of The Class but the batteries were dead. So close.”

- LLCJ (Rapping, Loving the Ladies, Greasing Chest): “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years.”

- BF (Football, Wrangler Wearing): “Hey y’all, I just wanted to say that I really could have used this chat room last year. I mean, I freaking cried at my first retirement announcement in Green Bay. Cried!!! How can you recover from that? Well, I guess you can’t. Between crying at a press conference and returning to play for the Jets, I don’t think I can ever go back to Mississippi or Wisconsin. Hmmm…maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

- MJ (Basketball, Baseball, Gambling): “Trust me BF, it will never be the same with your original fans but come on, they were only loyal and supportive for like 10 to 20 years. No biggie. The main point is that you served your own selfish competitive ego by going to another team, destroying their morale and ruining any chance of success in your new hometown. Don’t worry, you’re following the plan perfectly. You’ll be in upper management for another horrible franchise in no time.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Woman Dating, Occasional Marathon Running): “So do I need to worry about losing fans now that I have gone over to a team from Kazakhstan?”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “Oooh, please tell Kazakhstan that Mike says hello. He was one of my training partners back in the 80’s. Praise be to Allah.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Women Dating, Occasional Marathon Running, Texan): “What?”

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating, Apologizing): “Yes, I too am curious if I will have lost some of the support of the tifosi. As well as the respect of all of the riders and managers I lied to, of course.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “All I know is that my tifosi hasn’t been acting right ever since I had that really spicy Indian food a few weeks ago.”

- BF (Football, Wrangler Wearing, Packer-fan Killing): “Wait…lying to fans, teammates, coaches and managers is wrong? Nobody ever told me that.”

- MT (Boxing, Cannibalism, Insanity, Poetry): “I’ve done some crazy things, but the only time I ever lied was when I said I was going to eat Lennox Lewis’ children. I never got around to that. Oh well.”

- A “P” J (Football, Making It Rain): "I always say I am going to make it rain but it doesn't actually rain. It just means that I am going to throw a bunch of money in the air and act stupid. Not sure if that's a lie or not, technically."

- FL (Cycling, Whiskey Drinking, Mennonite-ness): “Okay, this is getting a little too weird for me, I think I’m going to go listen to some Kid Rock. LA and IB…I’ll see you two in Cali. I hope the rest of you get whatever medical and legal help you need."

- IB (Cycling, Procrastinating, Apologizing): “Yes, I will see you in California and shake your hand but I will not actually say hello.”

- LA (Cycling, Famous Women Dating, Occasional Marathon Running, Texan): “You may see me but not if I see you both first.”

It seems that the webpage that hosted this chat room has been changed or removed but hopefully we will gain access again sometime soon.

3 comments: said...

damn you for ruining (yet another) keyboard...

CaliRado Cyclist said...

My fault...

Anonymous said...

Way to meld all the felons and characters. Damn funny!