Role Models - Cycling vs The Hibachi

Some of you may have seen footage of NBA Hall of Famer Bill Walton riding a road bike in the 70’s (the 7 footer's head tube was about as long as my arm) and many of you may be aware that current All-Star LeBron James has recently invested in Cannondale. Obviously cycling and hoops go together like…well, actually they really don’t go together like anything. Regardless, it seems that the NBA has another cycling advocate in the person of one Gilbert Arenas, also known as “Agent Zero” or simply “The Hibachi.”

The former Second Round pick for the Golden State Warriors (the only reason I care, even though he’s a Wizard now) regularly updates a phenomenally strange blog to which I was directed recently. It seems as though Agent Zero has been getting in some spins during the off-season and had some things to say about his bike skills and sense of self-preservation. Or lack thereof. Let the Hibachi start cooking below:

“My fear that I was having was falling, that was my biggest fear – falling on my leg. Wouldn't you know, we were riding on the freeway and I had to get off and go on the pike towards the airport and Crystal City. The people behind me were too close so I couldn't break and I had to just jump the curb going at least 15 miles per hour.

Whoo! That wasn't a pretty sight. I had grass stains and all sorts of stuff. I fell on my good leg so it was nothing to worry about. All the cars were stopping and asking, "You alright?" I was like, "Yeah, you know, my ego is hurt but that's about it."

I wasn't wearing a bike helmet. The only people who wear bike helmets are 13-year old girls and Tony Hawk, but that's skateboarding and he's doing flips and stuff. I'm going straight. Ha, well I guess I did end up doing a flip off my bike, but it wasn't a planned one.” – Gilbert Arenas, Agent Zero

Nice. My favorite parts are that he was riding on the FREEWAY, that he makes it seem as though 15 mph is fast and that grass stains were a concern. I know DC is a big city, but there have to better places to ride than the Freeway or the Pike, right?

My least favorite part is when he directly heckles everyone besides 13 year-old girls and Tony Hawk for wearing a helmet. But you may have guessed that would be an issue with me already. Now...I can’t say how worried the Hibachi should be about crashing on his leg but I think he should probably worry more about his skull and brain.

Then again, judging from Agent Zero’s blog and personal history of odd behavior, I really don’t know what is going on in that melon and he may have already suffered a couple dingers. For a quick reference, please enjoy some of the many flavors of Hibachi cooking via Gilbert’s Wikipedia page below. Note – I wish I could make this stuff up. My swag was phenomenal? That’s Gold Agent Zero, Gold!

Courtesy of Wikipedia...

“Gilbert Jay Arenas Jr. (born January 6, 1982 in Florida) is an American professional basketball player currently with the NBA's Washington Wizards.

Arenas was most often nicknamed "Agent Zero," but has increasingly been referred to as "The Hibachi."

While with the Warriors, he once took a shower at half time in full uniform. Before every game he would take a teammate's jersey and hide it in the locker room to make them look for it. Warriors teammate Adonal Foyle called him a "lunatic," and Troy Murphy said he used to lick or put baby powder on donuts he was forced to deliver to the team as a prank.

Arenas has been said to play online poker during the halftime of games, instead of resting or preparing for the second half. He disputes the accuracy of these stories, saying he was misquoted. Arenas says he does not play for money nor does he play online; instead, he plays on a DVD game of poker. On road trips, he will often eschew team outings on the town in favor of sitting in his room, ordering products from infomercials, such as a colon cleanser. In the same interview he said he preferred sleeping on the couch than on his bed, and that he once ate 12 cheeseburgers while on a road trip with the Wizards in Canada.

Arenas agreed to become a team captain for the 2005-06 season after declining the previous year because he said that many times he didn't even believe the things he was saying to his teammates. He has recently been given the nickname "The Black President", and calls himself the "East Coast Assassin", in reference to his quest to prove his abilities to those who did not vote for him to be a 2006 Eastern All Star reserve. Arenas has also begun to refer to himself as "Agent Zero"

During the 2003-04 season, Arenas tried to vote himself into the All Star game, trading a pair of shoes and a jersey for a box of ballots.


During the 2006 NBA season, he began to shout the word hibachi as he took field goal attempts in games, explaining, "You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi'." He has also stated that while he is scoring on opponents, he is "cooking chicken and shrimp" in reference to his "Hibachi grill," and that if his opponent wanted to double team him, he would "cook filet mignon" as well.

On January 3, 2007, Arenas hit a very long game-winning three-point shot to beat the Milwaukee Bucks. In a post-game interview, Arenas stated that he did not shout "hibachi" or "quality shot." Rather, he told reporters that "My swag was phenomenal."

Arenas is donating $100 for every point he scores in each home game this season (2006-2007) to local D.C. area schools, while team owner Abe Pollin is matching that contribution for each away game. He also mentors a D.C. boy who lost his family in a fire at age 10. Arenas takes him shopping, bowling, got him a job as a ball boy for the Wizards, and acts as a brotherly figure towards him.”

.....What can I say other than...”Wow.” I wish professional cyclists were as interesting as the Hibachi. Here is a guy who may very well be crazy, but he’s a heck of a player and all in all, a pretty solid human being. I mean, he’s never really gotten into trouble and by all accounts is deadly serious about his profession. The fact that he took $20k off of his teammate Deshawn Stevenson during a shooting contest at practice is a testament to his competitiveness at least.

But as fascinated as I am by the Hibachi, I really have to take umbrage with the helmet comment. What an unnecessary thing to say. If I were a 13 year old girl I would be terribly offended. And as a staunch supporter of helmet use, I am far more disturbed by his blog comment than say...this:

Anyway, the main issue is that some young kid who idolizes Arenas could refuse to wear the helmet his parents bought him because of these comments and end up on a ventilator for the rest of his life (or worse). I would never specifically blame Arenas if this happened but it would have to be noted that, as a role model who clearly appreciates his fame, it is TERRIBLY irresponsible to make such foolish and potentially damaging comments. Read the rest of the Hibachi's post on "A Bicycle Built For Zero" to get a better understanding of his popularity with the kids. MEN wear helmets too Gilbert. Responsible men who realize the consequences of our choices and actions and are concerned for the health and safety of the kids that look up to us. "Wizards Season In Jeopardy As Agent Zero Slips Into Coma After Bike Accident" might not be a great headline for a future post on the blog.

Anyway, keep an eye out for Gilbert Arenas if you are ever riding along the Freeway or turnpike in Washington DC. He’s dangerous and potentially running at a very high temperature. But if you are a professional or competitive cyclist with a blog...please ask him for some advice because he is likely far more interesting than you. In the words of Snoop...”Don’t get mad, I’m only being real.”

Ask Dr. Jeru - Attack of the Inbox

When I started “blogging” I quickly realized that the comment section was kind of a crazy place. Simply put, some people are very comfortable leaving feedback or thoughts in this forum and others are not. With this in mind, I set up an email account for people that wanted to contact me without having to make a “public” comment on the website. This allowed a few people to tell me how wrong I am about various things but also became a way to ask me questions about bike racing and other topics. What follows is a brief sampling of some random questions I have received over the last month or so.

Amazingly, these are actual questions from actual readers. Please note that I use the term “reader” liberally. Names have been removed to protect the ignorant, umm I mean…illiterate, hmmm…innocent. Here goes:

Question: Who would win a race up Alpe d’Huez: Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van Damme?

Dr. Jeru: The immediate response is that it would be Chuck Norris by a wide margin. It is Chuck Norris after all, lifetime sponsor of Jens Voigt and roundhouse-kicker of all things French. Also, most people are not aware that he was Lance’s secret coach during the Tour run. The truth is that Carmichael was a front and Walker Texas Racer was the original title of the show.

Plus, have you seen Seagal lately? Not many people know that he was actually Jan Ullrich’s dietician for a number of years. How many calories are in that new Energy Drink Steve? And what is this “Asian Experience” you speak of? The hairstyle is rather Fignon-esque, but I don’t think Steve is getting up that hill like L-Fig used to. Even though silk kimonos are very aerodynamic. I’m guessing that Hard To Climb would be the name of his movie about the event.

So that leaves us with JCVD, a true legend of splits-inducing karate moves. Now…for reference, I generally operate under a few strict rules when wagering on bike races:

1) Pick the person with the least amount of visible body hair.
Exception – Candelario.

2) Pick the person with the most Dutch or Belgian sounding name. Such as anything with a “Van”, “De” or “Merckx” in it. Exception – Axel Merckx.

3) Pick the person that seems the most comfortable in spandex. Exception – Me.

If I were sticking to these rules, it would be Van Damme all the way. He’s got the least amount of hair, he’s got an uber-Euro name and you know he loves the tight clothes. While none of these rules have much scientific foundation, they tend to be pretty good wagering tips.

However, I have to go against the formula because in this case it seems that JCVD fits all of the above criteria better than Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal. But I still think Chuck Norris wins the race up Alpe d’Huez because of the Number 1 gambling rule of all time:

1A) Don’t bet against Chuck Norris. EVER.

Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and forget the numbers. Also, it’s probably better to stay on Chuck’s good side just in case. I think I just heard knuckles cracking.

Question: Is Danilo Di Luca cooler than me?

Dr. Jeru: In the words of Daryl Strawberry, "Well, I don’t know you but…Yes."

Question: Which shorts are worse, Saunier-Duval or Liquigas?

Dr. Jeru: While both are heinous and unacceptable, I believe that the SD shorts are the worst. It would have been very easy for Castelli to leave off the little “widow’s peak” or whatever that is in the “crotch-al” region. I am a HUGE proponent of black shorts (for many reasons) and they could have just made a nice black center, yellow side panel kind of thing. Instead it looks like Eddie Munster’s hairline over their junk. It’s bad enough that we have been subjected to the all-yellow canary look for the past few years but now this? The worst.

But like I said, the Leaky Gas shorts are grotesque as well. Stripes are bad. Lime green and blue stripes are VERY bad. Then again, Di Luca’s pink splotchy Maglia Rosa duds were even worse. All in all, I have to say this is one of the worst “Pro Kit” years in recent memory.

This brings up and interesting question though. What does one do when his or her team kit sucks? Is there any recourse?

The recreational rider or weekend warrior can pick and choose which team he or she wants to be on so there is no excuse with these people. But for the serious, elite-level to pro racer, sometimes you just have to take what they give you and be grateful for it. Occasionally, I think sponsors make crappy kits on purpose, just to get back at their riders or somehow make a spectacle of them. If this is true…I don’t know what happened to make Jelly Belly such a spiteful company. Or Vitamin Cottage. Or the Village Peddler.

Personally, if I had the palmares of a Savoldelli or Simoni…I’d think twice about donning an Astana or Saunier Duval kit. But then again, here are some of mine that I basically rode in for free so...

On second thought, how much are they getting paid? Oh…yeah, nevermind. Forget what I just said. I’d race in flesh-colored body suit a la George Costanza for that kind of cabbage. Or just go naked and have them tattoo the logos on me. Now THAT would probably get some media attention but I might sacrifice some aerodynamics.

Question: Who will win the Tour this year? Podium?

Dr. Jeru: 1) Vinokourov 2) Leipheimer 3) Evans

More Predictions: Pereiro doesn’t even crack the top 20. Levi wins a mountain stage. Zabriskie wins the long TT and places in the Top 15 overall. Hushovd gets the Green and the Chicken gets Polka Dots again. Bruyneel announces a new Asian sponsor to replace Discovery Channel. More current and former riders will be exposed. Oh…and someone will probably crash or get a flat tire.

Question: Thoughts on the Dauphine?

Dr. Jeru: I am not a huge fan of Christophe “La Chien” Moreau although he did prove to be the strongest, most motivated rider in the event. I don’t know if anyone caught it during the footage from the Dauphine on VS but right after he crossed the finish line on the final stage (following a little post up no less) he completely hocked a full mouth of spit at someone on the sidelines. I couldn’t tell if it was a cameraman or journalist but it was BLATANTLY intentional. Classy move on your home turf there Dog.

I don’t know what it is (actually I do…it’s the attitude, lack of class, stupid tactics and the tube socks to name a few things) but this guy…this is not my kind of guy. Can you imagine if he won the Tour? I shudder to think.

Question: If the Alexi Grewal quote “I never raced for fun in the first place, so I’m not going to start now” is your new favorite, what is the old one?

Dr. Jeru: Good question. Actually my favorite quote is “ –“ which is complete silence as he used to fly past me on the way to Jamestown when I was a Junior.

But I guess that doesn’t count so I’ll go with “Will everyone SHUT UP!?!”

Explanation: During the well-attended Coors Classic DVD release party at U-Bikes this past winter, Race Director Michael Aisner had the mic while a number of the people in attendance kind of spoke amongst themselves before clips of the film were shown.

Aisner eventually began speaking about Davis Phinney and asked the Coors Classic poster-boy to say a few words. Now, the microphone was not terribly loud and DP didn’t want to yell so it became tough to hear him over the murmer of the many other voices in the room.

Within moments, Grewal stands up in front of Aisner and Phinney, turns to the crowd of people in attendance and yells as only Alexi can “Will Everyone SHUT UP!?!”

Half of the room immediately went silent in shock and the other half just started cracking up and applauding. Then Davis reached over and gave Alexi a huge hug. CLASSIC. Someone out there should have this footage because I know there were a number of cameras there. I’ll write more about that night eventually after I properly internalize what it meant. But yeah…that’s my favorite Alexi quote.

Question: Why are there so many Australians succeeding in the US peloton?

Dr. Jeru: There are a number of reasons. First of all, it is a little-known fact that Australia is actually a testing ground for many types of water-based performance enhancing substances. As a result, many Aussies have a significantly higher pain threshold than the average American. The country’s massive consumption of Vegemite is proof of this nation-wide tolerance for pain. Nasty, chewy, bitter pain in a jar.

Oh…they also fight crocodiles and snakes and stuff all the time when they are growing up so bike racing is really pretty easy comparatively. Trust me, Nathan O’Neill would much rather go toe to toe with Phil Z. than get all frisky with a deadly reptile. Even the fuzzy animals like Kangaroos and Koalas are bad-asses down there. Mother Nature was in a weird mood when she set up Oz.

But the main reason Australians come to the States to race and do so well is because the water in our toilets obeys the laws of physics and goes down the drain in a rational, clockwise rotation. You’d be amazed at how a counter-clockwise flush can ruin one’s fitness. It’s the little things. The Aussies may not be honest about it…but I’m pretty sure the toilets are the biggest reason for their success. Come on Henk, admit it.

Plus, Americans are soft and weak. Yeah, that’s right. I said it.

And finally…

Question: What Would Jens Do?

Dr. Jeru: Whatever he wants. You got a problem with that?

Separated At Birth - Captions

Okay, one of the best elements of this here Inter-Web thingy is the unprecedented access to information and images from all over the world. Here are a few pictures that I have taken the liberty of captioning (is that a word?) as well as some photographic evidence of the relatives of some people we know.

The following individuals have been separated at birth:

Rising American Road Sprinter Tyler Farrar and...

...This Guy

Legendary US Criterium / Sprint Monster Jonas Carney and...

...Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver

("Maybe if we wear costumes, they won't notice us. In the front row of this Hockey game. ")

Speaking of hairstyles - Snoop Dogg's son and...

...Cameo. Word Up.

(By the way...I still don't know why Snoop was wearing a fake mustache during the NHL Finals but hey...it's Snoop. He can do whatever he wants. Except fool people with that 'stache.

Now for some captions:

Doctor: "What the...your pulse is at 25 bpm!?!?" Basso: "I have done nothing wrong and have never met Dr. Fuentes. Can't you see that I am tranquilo?" Or...

"But I still get to keep my trophies and rooms full of money though, right?"

Golf is WAY harder than it looks. Or...

Cycling Fans React To Riis, Zabel and Aldag Confessions.

" I am Di Luca...I live on the 2nd floor. You are powerless against my hair gel and green striped shorts. Yes I think you've seen me before."

Clown Training aka Me At The Gym

If anyone can think of good captions for these, please write them in the comment section. I know there are better ones out there.

The Velo Fro - Nature's Helmet

Many cycling historians will tell you that the UCI’s helmet rule was born out of a concern for rider safety. This sounds nice and seems logical however, few are aware of the REAL reason that helmets became mandatory in 2005. In reality, the helmet rule was a final, last-ditch effort to keep the hairstyles of professional cyclists under control once and for all. Judging from the recent Giro d’Italia, the jury is still out on the success of the project.

The sport of bicycle racing has a long history of riders who have taken great pride in how the wind whistled through their stylish hairdos. Some, like Laurent Fignon went for the sleek pony-tail/wind-sock effect, while others, such as the one and only Laurent Brochard took the cascading mullet route. Note to self: Don’t name child Laurent.

But these guys aren’t the reason that helmets were made mandatory. Stylistically, the helmet rule didn’t really affect the racers who chose the “long in the back” look because they could still get the neck coverage that they so desired. No, the helmet rule was designed for one hairstyle genre in particular. The Velo Fro.

An afro, sometimes called a "natural" or shortened to "fro", is often defined as “a hairstyle in which the hair extends out from the head like a halo, cloud or ball.” Oh yeah. While this is a purely academic description of the afro, the term is often used loosely to describe any head of bushy, curly hair. If you have additional questions about this style choice you can reference the spectacular hip-hop group The Afros’ groundbreaking work entitled “Kickin' Afrolistics” for greater detail. But for the purpose of this article we will stick with cyclist afros or, as I like to call them, Velo Fros - Nature’s helmet.

My first introduction to the Velo Fro came from the legendary Andy Hampsten. Those who follow the sport will recognize that Hampsten is perhaps one of the greatest cyclists in American history. They will also attest to the fact the guy had one wicked Velo Fro going for a few years back in the late ‘80’s. The thing I appreciated most about Andy’s afro was its dryness. It was always fluffy and kind of cotton-y. Never all greased up like the Italian Velo Fro’s we will look at shortly. In fact, few people know that the stored-up heat in Hampsten’s wild and wooly, Colorado-grown Velo Fro was actually what propelled him to victory during the cold and snowy Giro in 1988. Insiders (okay…just me) have since dubbed the race “The Gi-fro d’Italia.”

Another contributor to the UCI helmet rule and the Gi-fro d’Italia phenomenon was the one and only Lion King himself, Mario Cip-fro-llini. Now this is basically the anti-Hampsten look. The Italian was known for his flamboyant style throughout his career but this photo was taken during Cip-fro’s time with the little known Soul Glow Cycling Team shortly after the release of Coming To America. Few people know that he used to scream “Just Let Your Soul Glow” as he crossed the finish line during his many sprint victories. One wonders how many more stage wins he would have gotten with a more aerodynamic do.

Building off of Andy Hampsten’s legacy, another Boulder-based climbing specialist has taken a different approach to the Velo Fro. Over the last two decades, Scott “Morning Hair” Moninger has had almost the same number of follicular adventures as race wins. Okay, he has actually had about two-hundred more race wins but I like this Navigators-issue hairstyle in particular. You can almost see the hair dryer stuffed into his jersey pocket and the Poison tape in the walkman. Rock on Scott, rock on.

Although he is no Cipo, Franco “Il Dolfino” Pelizotti has done a fairly good job of letting his hair do the talking. It may be a bit too “Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister” for my personal taste, but at least those huge sunglasses on the forehead keep the locks in check when he’s doing pre and post-race socializing. I don’t really get the Dolphin nickname though. I’m no Marine Biologist (although George Costanza and I can fake it pretty well) but aren’t dolphins all slick and smooth? Flipper never rocked a Velo Fro. I think Pelizotti’s new nickname should be “Dee Snyder” and he should immediately start using “We’re Not Gonna Take It” as his theme song. Either that or he should be called Franc-fro Pelizotti.

And finally, let’s reflect on the most under-appreciated American cyclist of all time, Ron “Wookie” Kiefel. I am still waiting to hear back from the jury on this one, but I think that is his real hair, although I believe this photo was taken after he had retired. Just a hunch. It may come as a surprise to some but Ron’s real last name is actually Kiefunkel and he has a famous older brother named Art. You may recall Art from his work with Paul Simon in the seventies and eighties. The song “Bridge Over Troubled Water” was actually about Ron making it from the peloton to the breakaway in a particularly wet race for the 7-Eleven squad. It turns out that the duo’s manager didn’t like how “Simon and Kiefunkel” sounded so he ended up changing it to Garfunkel and the rest is history. Anyway, the resemblance is uncanny and should eliminate all doubt as to the legitimacy of their brotherhood.

Over time we will gather some more data and create a Hair Hall of Fame but at least now you know…About the Velo Fro.

Some Recent Photos

Homage To Frank

The Bolder Boulder

A Saturday In Boulder

Past & Future - Can You Spot Davis?

Pavement Tatoo

Aspen

High Country Nerds

Where Is Hunter S.?

Deck View

Aspen Meadows

Hell On Wheels Revisited - What Would Pepe Danquart Think?

Well, it's finally happening. Riders and team physicians are breaking a more than decade-long silence and coming totally clean about doping in cycling. Oh, wait…hmmm, I mean…uhhh, kind of. Maybe sort of? Okay...I don't know what's going on.

What I do know is that I have watched "Hell On Wheels" no fewer than four times and it ranks right up there with "PRO" and "Overcoming" as one of the best cycling documentaries available. Even though it has subtitles, the voyage of Team Telekom in the 2003 Tour de France is a heck of a ride. It has exceptional photography, a riveting storyline, a Director named Pepe Danquart and most importantly, an eminently likeable cast of characters. Foremost among the latter group (and the true stars of the film) are Rolf Aldag and Erik Zabel, both of whom recently confessed to having doped at certain times in their careers.

After two-plus hours of some pretty intimate footage, "Hell On Wheels" makes it clear that Aldag and Zabel (A-Z) are both extremely professional guys. They seem honest, friendly and good-natured despite the fact that they are going through hell on the bike every day. Throughout the movie the viewer is exposed to the extreme psychological toll that the Tour de France takes out on its participants. The physical element is obvious to anyone looking at a race map but the psychological beating that these guys take during the Tour is astounding. Especially Erik Zabel, who crashed early on and finished without a single stage victory.

I've always liked Zabel. The flat-top haircut, the Dieter accent, the Green Jerseys, the Milan-Sanremo wins (and losses)...he was always in the mix. Just a tough, tough guy. Quite possibly the most respected rider in the entire professional peloton, it will be fascinating to see how Ete handles this situation. It will also be very interesting to hear the reaction from other riders. I'm guessing he gets a better response than Manzano or Simeoni did.

The only reason I really knew much about Aldag was because he rode well in the San Francisco Grand Prix a few years back. I don't know why I remember that but watching him throw down on Taylor Street was impressive. It wasn't entirely surprising to me that he grabbed the Polka Dot Jersey in the 2003 Tour. He has since done well as a director for T-Mobile and it looks like he will retain his position with the team despite his confession. By all accounts, he's a really good guy and the riders respect him immensely. Once again...a slightly better response than Manzano and Simeoni.

Anyway, after the recent admission that they had doped during their time with Telekom/T-Mobile, I'm not sure that I'll be able to appreciate "Hell On Wheels" in the same fashion I once had. Supposedly, both riders were clean by the time 2003 came around but you can't help but wonder when, why and if they chose to quit. Afterall, not many riders have confessed to long-term use of performance enhancing drugs for a reason.

It seems that there was a lot of "dabbling" in doping products but not a lot of habitual use if we are to believe many of the recent confessions. Unfortunately, many have been somewhat tough to swallow. I'm not sure that a partial confession eases the conscience all that much, but I hope these guys feel better about themselves for having come clean...er.

It is difficult to predict the final outcome of all of these confession-ettes however, it would seem that they signal the beginning of a very long and dirty history lesson. Even if these guys are telling the truth about their minimal usage, the fact remains that they all felt forced to dope in order to compete and they all had fairly easy, if not completely team-sanctioned access to the necessary products.

Despite past indiscretions, I would guess that Zabel and Aldag are probably pretty good guys. But good people sometimes do bad things. Especially when it means supporting their family through bike racing or going back to East Germany to work in factory or warehouse. We'll have to see about Milram but at least Bob Stapleton seems to agree by announcing that he will keep Aldag on the T-Mobile staff as a director. How the cycling community responds to these confessions and perhaps more importantly, the confessors, will likely be a significant factor in how many riders choose to come clean...er.

Hey, at least it's not a bold-faced lie anymore for some of these guys. Just a maybe a timid-faced one. Better than nothing I guess.

I think I'm going to go watch "Hell On Wheels" now. It really is a good movie and I think that Pepe Danquart would appreciate it. The way things are progressing for German cycling, I don't know how many more of these DVD's he's going to sell.

Hey...It's Enrico Palazzo!

Hey…It’s Enrico Palazzo! And he’s leading the Giro d’Italia! Rumor has it that he will be flying to L.A. on the rest day to sing the National Anthem at an Angels game and save the Queen of England from Reggie Jackson. Oh, wait…what? It’s Gasparotto and not Palazzo? So that’s not Di Luca lying on the table in this photograph below? Sorry, my bad.

Well, all Naked Gun references aside, apparently the Giro started on Saturday. The reason I say “apparently” is because the brain surgeons who organized the event decided to have a ridiculously tricky Team Time Trial as the first stage - thus encouraging large time-gaps and essentially gifting the winning team with the maglia rosa for the entire first week. As a racer and fan, I have to say…this might be the single worst way to start a Grand Tour.

It seems like the Giro organizers don’t really have issues with doing weird things on the opening day though. Remember the night time Prologue a few years ago when a helmet-less Cipollini donned a pink body-suit and rode the course as the final rider? Yeah…I don’t know if that really conformed to standard protocol either. But it was still WAY better than the TTT start.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that much of the interest generated by the early sprinting stages of a Grand Tour (or any stage race for that matter) is the potential for a number of riders to garner not only a stage win but also the leader’s jersey as well. When McEwen won the first “real” stage on Sunday, he should have taken the maglia rosa with it. Or maybe current World and Italian Champion Paolo Bettini would have taken it if a normal prologue had opened the race. That would have been cool too.

But instead, we get a snotty Danilo Di Luca (who still seemed mad at his teammate Enrico Palazzo…er…I mean Gasparotto for riding faster than him in the TTT) begrudgingly accepting the leader’s jersey and looking rude. Plus, we now have to look forward to the joys of seeing lime green and pink for a week.

Speaking of Di Luca…is he just simply too cool to smile? I think he may be. It seems like he’s really annoyed, angry or just kind of indifferent whenever he’s on the podium. Maybe it’s because he’s always shorter than the podium girls. That might get on my nerves too.

Come to think of it…that would be kind of tough. I mean, you win a race or get the lead and you’re all psyched and thinking macho thoughts about yourself. Then you go up to the stage and the podium girls make you look like a 12 year old in a Halloween costume standing next to the baby sitter.

Considering that most professional cyclists are fairly average-to-short in height, you would think that the organizers could get some non-Amazonian women to help dispense the post-race goodies. I mean…I know most models are fairly tall but you’re trying to tell me that they can’t find some attractive, shorter women in Italy? Really? I’m guessing they could probably rustle up a few nice looking petite ladies in those parts.

After all, when the winner of a prestigious bike race goes up to the podium and ends up looking like Long Duk Dong next to Lumberjack in Sixteen Candles…you may lose a little of the grandeur. Then you throw in a Pink Jersey and things start going downhill faster than Il Falco.

Maybe I’m just being petty but I have to think the riders talk about this phenomenon too. I mean…we can’t all be George Hincapie and run off with the podium girl. Cyclists generally do pretty well with the ladies but it can’t be good for the old morale when the podium girls have to bend down to kiss you. Even when you’re standing on the top step.

Anyway…I have to mention one more thing about the Giro that is INSANE. During the coverage of the first road stage on VS, there was a point when the breakaway group passed some dude riding along side of the road. Not on the sidewalk or adjacent to the course…I mean…the guy was actually cruising along the race route and the break had to basically go around him. It was ridiculous. And the worst part was that the guys in the breakaway didn’t even yell out “On your left” as they passed him. I mean…where is the etiquette guys? It’s only the first stage of the second biggest bike race in the world. Come on let’s be courteous to our fellow bike riders, huh?

So, yeah…the Giro started on Sunday. I guess it’s important but there is just so much else going on in the sport that is taking the focus away from the race. Between Operacion Puerto and the Landis Case, the Giro seems to be the least important. Hopefully we will have a clear winner at the end of the race and at least we know that it will conclude in three weeks. Since we can’t say the same thing about an end-date for OP or the Landis Affair…let’s finish with a Naked Gun quote from Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad, one of the leading investigators of both cases.

"I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until they are behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

Excuses, Justifications and Exculpations - Learn From The Pros

Okay…a lot of people have criticized Floyd Landis for his early attempts to explain his supposedly positive test during the 2006 Tour de France. Sure, the initial press conference was awkward, with the rumors easily gapping the facts in the race for public opinion and I will admit that the possible whiskey defense had me scratching my head a little bit. But the fact is, he never should have been subjected to that whole process to begin with. Floyd was put in a position where he was forced to defend himself against documents, results and allegations that he had not even been formally presented with. Regardless of what you think of the case…that’s just not right.

So anyway…I couldn’t help but laugh when reading a recent public defense that makes Floyd look like Johnny Cochrane, or better yet, Jackie Chiles. I am referring to the ramblings of the ever-entertaining Curt Schilling, All-Star pitcher and self-promoter of the Boston Red Sox. On Tuesday, he of the (allegedly) bloody sock, took issue with San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds on his blog and on a local Boston radio station, making a number of statements that have caused quite a stir.

"Everyone has days and events in life they'd love to push the rewind button on, yesterday was one of those days," Schilling wrote on 38pitches.com. "Regardless of my opinions, thoughts and beliefs on anything Barry Bonds it was absolutely irresponsible and wrong to say what I did. I don't think it's within anyone's right to say the things I said yesterday and affect other peoples lives in that way."

Here’s what caused the ruckus:

"I mean, he admitted that he used steroids," Schilling said Tuesday. "I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes and cheating on the game, so I think the reaction around the league, the game, being what it is, in the case of what people think. Hank Aaron not being there. The commissioner trying to figure out where to be. It's sad.

"And I don't care that he's black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever. It's unfortunate … there's good people and bad people. It's unfortunate that it's happening the way it's happening."

While only bits and pieces of what he said are true, Schilling kind of, sort of took responsibility for his comments, but then just actually suggested that the early time of the interview may have been partly to blame. Wow, it must have pretty early in the morning to make someone say stuff like that. Somebody get this guy some coffee. So, just how early was the interview?

"I'd love to tell you I was ambushed, misquoted, misinterpreted, something other than what it was, but I wasn't," Schilling wrote. "I'm thinking that waking up at 8:30 am to do the weekly interview we do with WEEI is probably not the greatest format and if you heard the interview it's not hard to realize that I'm usually awake about 30-45 seconds before it begins.”

Okay now I understand. I mean…people actually expect you to be able to talk coherently and make defensible comments at 8:30 in the morning? Is the sun even up by then? I mean…come on, there aren’t even any game shows on TV at that hour. Just the boring news with all those…what do you call them…oh yeah…facts.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I respect that Schilling is being so public in his apology and I wish more athletes would be accountable for what they say. I just can’t quite understand how the time of day or how long you have been awake affects the ability to censor one’s true beliefs in a public forum. Curt Schilling isn’t sorry for the comments he made…he’s sorry that people took offense to them. Those weren’t just “off the cuff” remarks by a sleepy guy who doesn’t know what he’s saying. I could be wrong here, but somehow I get the sense that Curt Schilling may have actually developed a stance on the subject of Barry Bonds over the last few years. It just so happens that he has now made that stance public in a rather unflattering manner.

But seriously…8:30 in the morning? The funniest part is that he acts like it’s early and that we should somehow be sympathetic. It would be one thing if he had just pitched a night game prior to the interview but Schilling last threw on Sunday and the Sox didn’t even play on Monday. So basically…that’s a really poor excuse for Tuesday morning. Far worse than anything Floyd said.

In retrospect, I think Floyd’s whiskey defense was actually one of the most telling factors in this whole process. You would think that if someone were doping, they would probably try to formulate some kind of defense in the event of a positive test. Maybe not…but it seems logical to me. Not that logic has anything to do with this, but the fact that Landis was so scattered in his initial attempts to explain the result could be seen as a testament to his confusion, surprise and ultimately, his innocence.

I just have to think that a person with something to hide would find a better way to hide it than by publicly claiming he may have had too much to drink the night before. And it’s not like he would ever be able to use that excuse in another event or context. The only reason he was drinking on the evening of Stage 16 was because of the specific circumstances of that particular day. It’s not like he was out doing shots of JD after he got the yellow jersey in the first place. It was just so random. Usually people blame alcohol for poor performances, not good ones.

It’s kind of counter-intuitive, but sometimes a well-articulated response to an accusation is indicative of a prior assumption that the accused could be required to defend themselves at some point. In Floyd’s case, his poorly formulated response to the initial results from the Tour may have actually reflected the potential of a false positive from a psychological perspective more than say…Ivan Basso’s false declarations of “tranquility” regarding Operacion Puerto, for instance.

In Schilling’s case, his highly polished apology is in stark contrast to his poorly formulated excuse. From a psychological perspective, this is representative of an individual who is accustomed to apologizing publicly due to an unfavorable external reaction but probably has little remorse for the actual content of his statements. But then again…it was 8:30 in the morning. Perhaps Schilling will be more careful to get some caffeine before he discusses cycling on his blog or the radio.

By the way, the Floyd Landis hearing is scheduled for Monday.

The Uncertainty Principle

The term Uncertainty is used in a wide range of fields, including finance, psychology, physics, philosophy and most of all…professional cycling. “Uncertainty” in these disciplines is generally used in reference to predictions of future events, to existing physical measurements or to the unknown. This last component, the Unknown, is of particular interest to the cycling world recently. But I’m not really going to talk about that right now. Stay with me.

Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (uber-condensed version): “The more precisely the Position is determined, the less precisely the Momentum is known.”

Werner Heisenberg was in his mid-twenties when he shot to the forefront of his profession under the tutelage of a highly revered Danish physicist named Niels Bohr. He was always regarded as a talented mind, but his work in Copenhagen, which helped form the foundation of quantum mechanics, distinguished the German from many of his peers. Although he worked with the likes of Max Born and Pascual Jordan, Heisenberg was always the most highly revered. Ultimately, it was Heisenberg’s “Uncertainty Principle” that came to highlight many of the issues pertaining to quantum theory, both mathematically and philosophically.

Ivan Basso was in his mid-twenties when he shot to the forefront of his profession under the tutelage of a highly revered Danish cyclist and team manager named Bjarne Riis. He was always regarded as a talented racer, but his work for Team CSC, which led to multiple podium finishes behind Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, distinguished the Italian from his teammates. Although he raced with the likes of Jens Voigt and Carlos Sastre, Basso was always the most highly revered. Ultimately, it was Basso’s triumph at the 2006 Giro d’Italia and subsequent fall from grace that has come to highlight many of the issues pertaining to doping in cycling, both in practice and philosophically.

Werner Heisenberg was the head of Germany’s wartime nuclear energy program during World War II. His efforts during this time are somewhat controversial and there are a number of differing opinions regarding his contribution to nuclear research. Supporters argue that he aided only in stalling the Nazi military’s goal of creating an atomic bomb. Others contend that Heisenberg simply miscalculated the feasibility of a deliverable weapon of this type and focused on nuclear energy research instead. Most historians agree that he was not a strong supporter of the Nazi agenda and likely assumed his role out of a sense of self-preservation and a fear of possible repercussions from his employers.

Ivan Basso was the leader of the best cycling team in the world during the immediate Post-Lance Armstrong Era. His efforts during this time are somewhat controversial and there are sure to be a number of differing opinions regarding his contribution to the doping problem in cycling. Supporters will likely argue that he only attempted to cheat and postponed his unused doping practices until after his most significant victories. Others will likely contend that Basso simply got caught and is now trying to defend his actions and the legitimacy of his prior victories. Most observers will likely agree that he was probably not a strong supporter of the doping culture and likely assumed his role out of a sense of self-preservation and a fear of possible repercussions from his employers.

It should be noted that Niels Bohr, Heisenberg’s Danish mentor not twenty years earlier, was part of a team of physicists who worked on the Manhattan Project. Although nuclear fission was discovered in Germany in 1938, it was this group from the United States, not Heisenberg’s team, that developed the first atomic bomb later used on Japan in August of 1945.

It should also be noted that Bjarne Riis, Basso’s Danish mentor not twelve months ago, was the leader of a team that won back-to-back Tour de France titles in 1996 and 1997. Although recent reports claim that the ’96 team used illegal practices during Riis’ victory and ’97 winner Jan Ullrich has shamefully retired in the wake of Operacion Puerto, it is Ivan Basso who has become the biggest doping story in the world of cycling.

The basis of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle is that the simultaneous determination of two paired quantities, for example the position and momentum of a particle, has an unavoidable uncertainty. An Unavoidable Uncertainty. That’s the important part here, so you can forget about the wave-particle duality issues. An Unavoidable Uncertainty. Think about that for a second.

I used to think that we would never really know who is guilty until they admit it. But as Basso’s recent admission proves, even a confession leaves room for doubt and uncertainty. Now I’m thinking that maybe this Heisenberg guy was on to something after all.

In a slightly flawed interpretation, if there is an Unavoidable Uncertainty in the behavior of sub-atomic particles (which, by the way, are the building blocks of everything in the known universe), then there is probably a significant element of uncertainty in the world of cycling.

In fact, I’m certain of it.

Dr. J's Tech Talk - Time and Power, Part 1

In the “real” world (read: non-cycling related) I have recently become involved with a scientific organization that uses Femtoseconds as a primary element of time measurement (for reference, a femtosecond is to a second, what a second is to 100,000,000 years). During this period, it was pointed out to me that I hadn’t written anything about cycling in quite some time. TIME. I thought about that for a moment and decided that it was only true depending on how one views “Time,” although I do admit that many femtoseconds have passed since my last entry.

Note to Readers: By the way, the world of Physics can create a plethora of wonderful rationalizations and excuses...seriously. Actually, so can Anthropology…did you know that the Hopi culture had no verbal or written reference for time – past, present or future?

Anyway, I got to thinking about how many cyclists judge themselves and others by a number of (seemingly) concrete orders of magnitude, primarily those relating to elements of “time” and “power.” Speed is another factor that I may get into in the future but I’ll stick with time and power for now. While these units, or measuring systems, are not truly stable in an academic sense (don’t make me go Einstein on you), base values and meanings can be used to differentiate performance on a “human” scale. After all, the theory of relativity is not meaningfully applicable for cyclists travelling at different speeds until Litespeed or Cervelo actually make a bike that can go about 186,282 miles per second. Although, there probably is a psychological equation involved. But that’s another topic for another time…Psychology can be even trickier than Physics.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Time and Power. I’ll start off with the notion of Time because more people probably understand the basic elements of how we typically view time intervals than those of power or output. As such, most people probably think they have a fairly strong concept of time…but unless they have a PhD in Physics, most of those people are wrong. Time can actually be quite difficult to wrap the old melon around when looked at critically. With this in mind (leaving Kant, Leibniz and Existentialism out of the picture), let’s look at the basic framework by which human beings view the concept of “Time.”

Most of us probably know that Greg LeMond won the closest Tour de France of all time by a mere 8 seconds over Frenchman Laurent Fignon. Considering that the race took place over 2,000 miles and three weeks, that 8 second differential seems incredibly small. And when compared to most Tours, it is a tiny margin of victory. But when viewed in the context of a larger timescale, these 8 seconds take on a whole new meaning. First, let’s take a look at what a “second” really is and then we can try to grasp some non-standard units of measurement so that the “second” becomes a much more relative term.

Second [Traditionally understood as the 60th part of the 60th part of the 24th part of the day]

Context:

1/60 of a Minute
1/3,600 of an Hour
1/86,400 of a Day
1/31,557,600 of a Year

Examples:

1s – approximate time of a single heartbeat
1s – the time required for light to travel 186,282 miles
1.26s – approximate time for light to travel between the Earth and the Moon
8s – the time by which Greg LeMond defeated Laurent Fignon in the 1989 Tour de France
9.77s – world record for men’s 100m sprint event

Millisecond [one thousandth of a second]

Examples:

1ms – cycle time for frequency 1kHz
2ms – single flap of housefly wing
5ms – single flap of honeybee wing
8ms – standard camera shutter speed
100ms – the blink of an eye

Microsecond [one millionth of a second]

Examples:

1μs – cycle time for a frequency 1MHz radio wavelength at 300m (AM mediumwave band)
1μs – the time required for a sound wave at sea level to travel 1/3 of a millimeter
5.4μs – the time required for light to travel one mile in a vacuum

Nanosecond [one billionth of a second]

Examples:

1.02ns – the time required for light to travel 1 foot
2-4ns – time for typical pc microprocessor to complete a single instruction

Picosecond [a millionth of a millionth of a second]

Examples:

1ps – half-life of a bottom quark
3ps – average lifetime of a hydrogen bond between water molecules at room temperature
3.3ps – the time required for light to travel 1 millimeter

Femtosecond [a millionth of a billionth of a second]

Context: A femtosecond is to a second, what a second is to 100,000,000 years. Or…a femtosecond is to a second, what a minute is to the known lifetime of the Universe.

Examples:

10 to 100fs – single vibration time of an atom in a typical molecule
100fs – the time required for light to travel the distance across a human hair
200fs – the reaction time of eye pigments to light

Other References

32 years – yours truly
75 years – average lifespan of humans in First World countries
231 years – age of United States on July 4, 2007
40,000 years – time since Cro-Magnon colonization of Europe (Upper Paleolithic)
200,000 years – approximate age of Homo sapiens
40 million years – estimated period of time until Australia will collide with Asia
250 million years – Galactic Year – a revolution around the center of the Milky Way of our Sun and the Solar system
100 billion years – estimated total lifetime of the Universe (if the Universe is “closed”…big if)

Hopefully, these examples and definitions help put the concept of time into greater focus. And until someone proves otherwise, I will continue to claim that I have the world “Femtosecond” record for cycling. People can talk about the “Hour” record and discuss the merits of Merckx, Boardman and everyone else but I’m pretty sure that no one has posted the “Femtosecond” record yet. And I didn’t even need a specially made TT bike or a disc wheel. Take that O’Bree.

Coming soon…Part 2: A “Real” analysis of Power. Hint: You don’t have much.

Arbitrary Cogitation - Friday the 13th Week In Review

It was another busy week in the cycling world. Between the inaugural U.S. Open, the Tour of Flanders and Ghent-Wevelgem, there is plenty of action to reflect upon, so I'll address some lingering thoughts.

We'll start with the U.S. Open in Virginia. By the way, did you know that Virginia Is For Lovers? State slogans are always kind of curious but VA's statement still leaves me with a weird feeling. Of all the possible ways to entice tourists or provide some insight into the state, that was the best they could come up with? Okay Virginia...it's like they were watching too many of those SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch as the creepy couple that hangs out in the hot tub.

As far as the racers were concerned, the slogan should have been "Virginia Is For Crappy Weather" as the event endured freezing temperatures and snow flurries throughout the day. I figured it would be an opportunity for the Colorado contingent to show their toughness but it ended being a showdown between Texan Pat McCarty and Canadian Svein Tuft. Ivan Dominguez made a very impressive bid for the win by bridging up to the first chase group but effectively ended the race by doing so. Even though the group would have had a difficult time catching the two leaders anyway, The Cuban Missile's presence squashed whatever incentive they had to dig even deeper and close it down for good. I have to think they could have done it if the group had been cohesive and all thought they had a chance for the win.

P-Mac surely gets a nod for starting the winning move and sticking around until the final climb but Tuft proved to be strongest guy in the race. The recent Tour of Cuba winner was just tougher at the end of the day. I still have mixed feelings about a Canuck winning the U.S. Open but...he seems like a good guy and anyone who rides a bike with a trailer from Vancouver to Alaska and back is okay with me. Honestly, I almost think the fact that he did that is cooler than the race win. Almost.

And now for some thoughts on the highly anticipated "Live Coverage" from NBC: Eh.

Al Trautwig (this guy is going to kill me) was once again behind the microphone accompanied by Bob Roll and John Eustice. Al tried to act like he knew something about the sport but with comments like "It doesn't make aerodynamic sense, but if your nickname is the Cuban Missile and you want to win this race, you leave these guys behind and catch up to the leaders yourself," he continues to prove that he knows not of what he speaks. Bob Roll (consistently consistent) kind of laughed at him when he said that. Dominguez had recently bridged up to the front chase group by himself and Trout says that he should now attack the group and make up 30+ seconds on the leaders without sacrificing his finish? Good call Albert. You're right...Ivan really didn't try hard enough there.

He also continued his subtle jabs at Floyd Landis. Super condescending. I still really don't know what he brings to the table other than timing the intros and commercial breaks. Is he going to be the main guy when Paul and Phil finally pack it in? I am seriously concerned by this prospect. Forget Social Security...I want to know who will take over for Phil and Paul.

I can generally handle Eustice because he knows what he's talking about and has a vested interest in the future of the sport. He can get a bit dramatic and I could have done without so much "Virginia Tourism" propaganda but he did a fairly good job of trying to explain the race to the network audience. I also like that he rarely, if ever, directly addressed Trautwig. He always directed his commentary to Bob. That was fun. For real though, I think Eustice was getting a kick-back for every time he used a Virginia-specific name or pointed out a historical landmark or something. The guy should run for Governor. Virginia Is For John Eustice.

A final word on the coverage as a whole. John Eustice was the (albeit recently appointed) Race Director for this event and NBC had a full two-and-a-half hour broadcast but there was not a single mention of the women's race that took place the same day in Richmond. It is one thing to grant 1/3 of the prize money for the ladies but to add insult to injury and completely neglect their existence on the air was inexcusable. This was a great opportunity to highlight the universal appeal and challenge of bicycle racing for men and women but the commentators and NBC completely dropped the ball. They should be ashamed for not finding the time for a minute of coverage in a 2.5 hour broadcast. Congratulations to Tina Pic for the win, yet another notch on the belt of a great racer.

Otherwise...it was a pretty interesting race but the weather made it too much of a crap shoot.
Weather did not factor in to the Tour of Flanders, where Leif Hoste continued to infuriate Belgian fans, losing to a superior Alessandro Ballan. It was the third 2nd place for Hoste who was reduced to tears after the finish. Many Belgians will never forgive him for towing Kessler to the win a few years back and many Americans (my brother in particular) will never forgive him for towing Tom Boonen to victory without Hincapie's consent last year. One would assume the Belgians are none too happy with him after he bricked the finish again last Sunday. I don't know what it is about Hoste but he doesn't exactly inspire confidence. He's obviously immensely strong right now but still...he's like Boogerd. You just can't trust him to finish the job.

Ballan however, started and finished the job with a boat load of class in Flanders. The Italian was fresh off victory in the Three Days of De Panne and basically pimp-slapped Tom Boonen and the rest of the field on the Muur. Tomeke made a pretty good charge that softened everyone up but when Ballan came shooting by and Boonen's head dropped and shoulders started rocking, it was all she wrote for a Three-peat.

Hoste managed to make it up to the Italian and did some work to keep the gap but it seemed that Ballan was doing most of the pace making to the finish. Sweet Leif then sat on at the end which I though was going to doom their chances. He ended up timing it almost right but jumped a fraction too soon, allowing Ballan to get back on his wheel and come around him in the final meters for the most crushing of his three second-place finishes.

Perhaps the best performance of the day was put in by Lucca Paolini, who managed to finish third despite crashing twice. That's a pretty tough day at the office.
If the Flanders-Ghent-Roubaix trio of races were the group Wilson Phillips, Ghent-Wevelgem would be Carnie Wilson before the gastric bypass surgery. Deep down, there is some good quality but they just always get overshadowed by the more glamorous sisters on either side. The only way to get some attention is to find some drama like elective surgery, reality television or in the case of Ghent-Wevelgem, heinous crashes.

Tyler Farrar broke his kneecap and Jimmy Caspar got a cobble stone tattoo on his face among the dozens of others that bit it on the descent of the Kemmelberg. There was also some good finishing drama as the T-Mobile duo of Marcus Berghardt and Roger Hammond pulled off a nearly perfect one-two punch on Oscar Freire. The young German got his first big win and Hammond showed good form in the leadup to Roubaix. Apparently Freire was not a happy camper after showing some serious gusto and then getting worked over by the guys in pink. He may have been the strongest guy in the race but apparently cycling is a team sport.

I think I remember Eustice and Trautwig telling me that in between messages from the Virginia Board of Tourism. I'm pretty sure that Roubaix Is Not For Lovers but I could be wrong. We'll have to see on Sunday.

Fuentes Admits Poor Code Name Creativity

Madrid, Spain

In the wake of recent news linking Jan Ullrich to specific bags of blood in the Operacion Puerto case, Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes has issued a public statement admitting a severe lack of code name creativity.

"Si, I am really not that creative when it comes to code names. I never have been. If that is a crime then I am certainly guilty," said the beleaguered Spanish physician to a group of journalists in Madrid.

Recent "code names" released for the bags of blood linked to Jan Ullrich, arguably the most popular cyclist in Europe at the time, were "Jan", "Number 1" and "Hijo Rudicio." The latter code name can be translated as "Son of Rudy", a possible reference to Ullrich's longtime coach and confidante Rudy Pevenage.


"When I first started doing this whole blood collecting thing, I just put the rider's names right on the bags. But then someone pointed out that it probably wasn't a good idea to do that so I started trying to think of other ways to identify the bags and the riders. As it turns out, that was WAY harder than I thought it would be. Muy dificil," admitted Fuentes when questioned about the origin of the names.

"I even spaced out and wrote 'Jan' on one of the bags, but I thought I could play it off that it was for former 'Airwolf' star Jan Michael Vincent. That one didn't go over so well in Spain. I guess some of the Spanish Guardia Civil don't have the DVD's yet," continued the facilitator of perhaps the largest doping scandal in the history of cycling and apparent TV helicopter action-drama fan. Rumors of bags labeled "Ernest Borgnine" are unsubstantiated.

Additionally, the names of certain riders' dogs are allegedly printed on a number of the bags confiscated from Fuentes' apartment in Madrid. For example, the name "Birillo" is supposedly written on a bag that insiders have linked to Ivan Basso because it corresponds to his dog's name. Basso has denied these rumors and has stated that many Italians have named animals after the beloved Birillo Robot. Basso has also denied rumors that he is a robot after he destroyed the competition in the 2006 Giro.


"When I was younger I named my dog "Dog" so that should tell you something about my naming creativity. But I was impressed at the names that some of the riders had come up with for their dogs so I decided that might be a good code system. Well, once again...not so much. Nada mucho. Who knew so many many people were aware of these guys' pet names? Yeesh, I mean...get a life tifosi," continued Dr. Fuentes.

Yet another example of poor code naming is the stash of blood labeled "Buffalo" which allegedly corresponds to Jose Enrique Guitierrez. The rider widely known by the nickname "Buffalo" both for his large physique and labored riding style, finished a truly remarkable 2nd in the mountainous 2006 Giro d'Italia and is reputed to be a client of Fuentes.

"Once again, totally my bad on that code name. Just a really poor choice on my part," concluded Dr. Fuentes as he prepared to leave the press conference. "I sincerely apologize to all the riders who were so easily linked to this investigation by my lack of creative code naming skills. If I had known that these code names were so easy to track, I would have just labeled them with the athlete's names right on them. In retrospect, I mean really..."Son of Rudy", "Buffalo"...I'm really embarrassed that I was so deficient in my attempts to cover all of this up. I'm a doctor for crying out loud. I should have been better than that. Oh well."

"But hey...no one has been charged yet so it's all okay for the time being at least. I'll talk to you guys again after the Swiss and the Germans finish with Number 1...er I mean Hijo Rudicio...d'oh...ahh forget it. Call me when something actually happens in this case."

* Late Breaking News: Insiders have reported that Ivan Basso has recently changed his dog's name to "Bjarne."